Another question I received

on my social media was,

I'm a father and I feel like

I'm working my butt off, and

I feel like my family and children are

not grateful for all the things I'm

doing. <Laugh>,

I think mothers and fathers both feel

that way towards the spouse and their kids

sometimes.

I think that's pretty probable along

the journey at different times.

And what shall I do?

He asked. Well, people

in the family, children, spouse

and extended family members,

they each have a unique set of values

and priorities that they live their life

by.

If they feel that what you're doing is

helping them fulfill what they value

most, they're more grateful.

If they do not feel that that's

happening, they're going to be ungrateful.

And that's a human behavioral trait.

If somebody's doing something and

selling you a product that you feel is

fulfilling what you want, you're

grateful. If not, you get angry and you,

you say, Hey, this isn't doing

what it's designed to do.

So if you want your family or children

or extended family to appreciate you,

no harm in having a conversation with

them to establish what it is that they

expect. Anytime somebody gets

less than what they expect,

they get sorrow and anger, and ungrateful.

Anytime they get more than they expect,

they get joy and gratitude

and they're open to it.

So find out what their expectations are.

Find out if those

expectations are reasonable.

Because if they have an expectation

that's more than what you're expecting,

then you're doing what you

think, you're doing your job,

but they don't feel it's

doing what they expect.

So have a conversation to

find out what they expect.

Don't make them wrong

about their expectation.

Just ask them what their expectations are.

And am I to work and do

this and do that and list

the things you do, and am I to

expect no appreciation for that?

And maybe just having conversation

with them they might open up and say,

thank you for revealing to me that I

haven't even given you any thanks for what

you've done. And make sure that

you're doing the same. Make sure,

it's kind of unrealistic

to expect gratitude back if

you're not doing the same

for all they're doing.

You might make a list of all the people

and what they're doing and take a look

at how it's serving you and helping you.

And you might go and have a

little gratitude for them.

When you're grateful for them they

tend to be more grateful for you.

But know that if you don't

know what their values are,

you don't know what their expectations

are and you're not meeting them,

then they're not going to give

you the response you want.

So take the time to find out what

that is, have a dialogue with

them and let them know what you're

experiencing. But don't make them wrong.

Just say, this is what I'm experiencing,

is my expectations unrealistic?

And have a humble you know,

dialogue with individuals so you can

both be on the same page of what's

expected. It's, you know, many times on a,

I had a guy go out on a

date with a girl <laugh>,

and her expectations were pretty high

and his expectations were much lower

and he didn't live up to

expectations and she let him know it.

And he came back and he says, man, I've

been castrated on that date. And I said,

well, did you find out what her

expectations? Well, I did indirectly.

They said now you may want to

go and find out what that is.

So you on the next date, if you're

going to have another date with her,

find out what the expectations are so

you can have a chance to meet them.

See if it's something that's

realistic. And if it isn't realistic,

have a conversation about it. If

it is realistic, step up. You know,

find out what it is. Dialogue

and communication works.

Don't make them wrong for them.

Just ask them if they think that's a

fair and reasonable expectation and for

what you're doing and have a dialogue

and work it out and have integrity in the

relationship dynamic. That

works in the long run.

But just know that if you don't ask

them what their expectations are and you

don't know what their values are,

you have a very high probability

of not meeting them. Because,

you're guessing at what it is.

And many times we project and make an

assumption that our values are right and

theirs are less important. And then

we expect them to live in our values.

And anytime we expect other people

live in our values, we have futility.

And we're going to be angry and aggressive

and blame them and feel betrayed and

criticize them and challenge them,

and feel despaired and depressed and

want to exit and escape and have futility

and frustration and grouchiness and grief

and hatred and hurt and irritability

and irrationality. I call it

the ABCDEFGHIs of negativity.

That's a normal response when we have

unrealistic expectations of others to live

in our values. So find

out what their values are.

Find out what their expectations are.

Find out what their standards are.

You want to hope that they have a high

standard because you don't want to be

with somebody that's too low a standard

in your relationships and family.

And try your best to have a dialogue and

communicate and see if you can't find

out what their needs and expectations

are. See if it's reasonable,

negotiate it if necessary, and let

them know what you're experiencing.

And be aware that you may be

unrealistic in your expectations.

And by the way, the addiction to

praise can make criticism painful.

So make sure that you're not

expecting praise without reprimand,

and positive without negative.

There is no relationship that's going

to be support without challenge,

and peace without war, and

positive without negative.

There's no one-sided

relationship. That's delusional.

Reality is that people

have a set of values,

when you communicate in their

values, they're nice as pussycats,

if you go against their values,

consciously or unconsciously,

they can be mean as tigers,

grateful or ungrateful.

So care enough about yourself and them

to find out what their values and needs

are, their expectations, and let them

know about yours and have a dialogue,

and have a respectful communication

and negotiate a fair exchange.

And then you'll have a

grateful relationship and

they'll be grateful and you'll

be grateful for it. And that works.

That's why in the Breakthrough Experience,

my signature program I teach,

I address that issue on communicating

your values in terms of other people's

values,

so you can see their existence and who

they are and how they work and function,

how it's helping you fulfill what you

want so you can be grateful for them.

And they turn around and it increases the

probability of being grateful for you.