00:00:00 Sana: Stress doesn't always scream. Sometimes it whispers through your inbox. Your tone with the people you love. Your jaw. And by the time you notice. You're already living inside it. Today, we are not doing stress hacks, listeners. We are doing truth. What stress actually looks like in real life. How to catch it earlier without shaming yourself or judging yourself for having it.

00:00:39 Sana: Hey everyone, welcome back to the Mindful Living Podcast, a space for honest conversations about mental wellness, emotional resilience, and what exactly does it mean to stay human in a world that keeps asking us to perform? I am Sana, your host, and if you are listening while doing chores, or while sitting in traffic or pretending that you are fine at work. Same. You are in the right place. And listener stress is one of those words we throw around. Like it's simple or maybe like, it's like, you know, this badge of honor. I'm stressed. I've done a lot of work this week is stressful. But then when you try to slow down, stress is not one singular experience. It is a pattern. It is physiology or it's a story your body is trying to tell you. And listeners, today's guest. She brings a rare mix of depth and clarity to this topic. She is a psychotherapist with over fifteen years of clinical experience. She has built a community of ninety five thousand people who engage daily with her work around anxiety, trauma responses, nervous system regulation, and relationships. And you know what I what I appreciate about her work is she translate translates complex psychology into language that actually learns no jargon, no complicated terms and language, no overwhelm and no pretending that there is one size fits all solution. So let's begin with our conversation and let's welcome our guest, doctor Vasilia Bienenstock. So doctor, welcome to the show. And I'm really, really glad that you're bringing up this conversation for us.

00:02:35 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: Yes. Thank you so much for having me. I'm really glad to be here.

00:02:40 Sana: Uh, first of all, Doctor Vassiliou, something once again, I'm going to repeat it because it absolutely connects with me. And this is something that, um, I don't know whether it's a coincidence or not. Many of my previous conversations, uh, we kind of realized that this is a huge pain point specifically when it comes to healthcare or pharma or medical research that a lot of the information it is there. It may be it could be credible, it could be important. But then the way it is presented, it's it's very complicated for a normal, you know, from a, from a everyday, from a, for a everyday human to understand and kind of, you know, that entire stressful experience and that dilemma, whether, you know, I should go for a, a solution which is completely related to pharma or maybe completely related to wellness. What exactly should I choose here? How can I make a make a good decision here? So I'm very glad that you're bringing up this for us.

00:03:44 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: Yeah. Thank you. That's a really good point. Um, I think that a lot of practitioners and myself included, I've done this before until I read some really interesting advice is we think that certain concepts are simple or basic concepts because we know them. And in our profession, they're kind of like the foundational concepts for something. But that doesn't mean that other people who are not studying this and practicing this, that they know those concepts. Um, I read something from a totally different kind of writer. It's somebody who writes about, uh, living abroad and how to, how to move from the United States abroad and work as a digital nomad. And he said that most of his content that did the best was some of the stuff he considered, like basic, simple stuff that he didn't think was that important. And it made him realize that that's what people are coming to us for. They don't know sometimes the foundational things, they don't know the definitions of things, and that doesn't mean that they can't know it. It just means that they're not in our profession and we have to come back to basics sometimes and explain these concepts in a way that people can actually understand and not just understand what they are, but understand like how to apply them to their own lives. Um, because then that's another translation of, okay, I can understand what it means. If my nervous system is dysregulated, I can understand that I have patterns of behavior that are shaped by unconscious beliefs that were shaped in early childhood. But now what do I do about it? How do I change it? Um, and so we also have to translate how that information can actually be useful for a person. And where, where do they actually begin? Yeah.

00:05:42 Sana: Make sense. And, uh, to begin with, uh, you know, let's, let's try to understand, you know, when stress shows up, uh, for, for us. What, what does it look like behavorial doctor? Like, you know, the the lift one?

00:06:00 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: Yeah, yeah. You know, they look different for different people. It depends on our personalities, our coping mechanisms and like our existing values. So, you know, for some people, the more stressed they are, the more work they seem to do, right? So if their value is, um, like being productive, like they find their worth in being productive and they feel themselves being stressed out or bogged down. A lot of people, especially people in early burnout phases, they actually will try to do more, um, to try to keep the stress away. Well, I, they say I shouldn't be stressed or I can overcome this and they, you might actually see them overfunctioning even more like doing more work, um, overextending themselves more, working out more, um, to try to compensate for it. So you might, and we don't always see those people as stressed out because they're functioning so well and so much to us, right? We don't see what they're going through, but other people might have the opposite reaction. They might shut down, they might feel exhausted, they might lose all their motivation and not be able to start or complete even small tasks. Um, and then there's a lot of internal things, like they might feel ashamed, they might slip back into really negative or self-destructive thinking, criticizing themselves a lot. Like whenever I've worked with clients and they really improve, um, I always do some work on what I call relapse prevention. And so we talk about what are that person's early warning signs that they might be slipping back, whether it's stress, anxiety, depression, and then what are some of the things that they've learned that they can do about it? And so the earlier you notice it, the easier it is to do something about it. So for one person, it might be that they notice they're being more critical of themselves in their own head. Um, or that they, they're saying things to themselves, like they don't like how they look or they're upset with what they did for another person, it might be overfunctioning for another person, it might be not being responsive to friends, kind of starting to not feel motivation checking out of things. So it's important that that that answer is very personalized so we can recognize it in ourselves. Um.

00:08:24 Sana: And a particular thing that you mentioned is, you know, how we react or behave towards our loved ones. I mean, I have personally, I have experienced it and I've seen my own, um, family members experiencing it because when, uh, either initially during, you know, those early phases of burnout, uh, that irritation or, um, that impatience and not having that kind of enthusiasm and, you know, having, uh, the discussions that usually we, we are having with our family members or loved ones in a very loving way. It's kind of a very gradual change or shift that we either experience or we observe experience that person experiencing.

00:09:16 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: Yeah, I think that's a good point. I've experienced that myself. You know, I think with our loved ones, the people closest to us, we wear less of a mask with them. So sometimes they get they get to know us better, but they also sometimes get the worst sides of us. Um, because if you're irritated, angry, um, and you might hold that back in public and not speak to a stranger that way or not speak to a colleague that way. And then it builds up and we feel more comfortable with our relatives, our loved ones, and then we end up taking it out on them, even if we don't want to. Um, so I've noticed that in myself too. Sometimes just being more irritable, like. Getting more irritable more quickly with people who are close to me. And that's personally a sign to me that, you know, I might, I might be carrying more stress than I realize that I was. Um, but you're right, it can it can happen gradually because we can, you know, we can write it off as something else. Like you just had a hard day or you're just tired, or maybe you just need to get through this week. And then I think we don't realize when, you know, our behavior starts being negative and it starts happening a lot more often.

00:10:32 Speaker 3: Yeah, I absolutely agree.

00:10:35 Sana: And let's move on to, um, I think exploring this one also because.

00:10:42 Speaker 3: Um.

00:10:44 Sana: As you mentioned, your own, journey as well, especially with the, the reactions in kind of that, you know, behavior. What's one stress habit you personally had to unlearn? You know, something that felt normal for a long time, but then you realize that, you know, this has to change.

00:11:05 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: Yeah. Wow. That's a really powerful question. Um, there are several, but I think that if I had to really look at one, it would be, um, like not being present. And that's very easy for me to do is to not be present. To become really disconnected from myself and from what's going on around me. So and that can look different in different ways. You know, one is to kind of live in my head and not pay so much attention to my body. So maybe miscues or not notice how I'm feeling or not take as good care of myself because of that. Another would be, um, if I'm at a place or with people that I actually enjoy. Feeling like the time went by and I was just thinking about things and I didn't really connect or didn't really enjoy it or even take in my surroundings. Um, or another example would be like scrolling like doomscrolling. Um, so letting hours pass in order to, and just, um, scrolling or watching TV or doing something where I'm basically kind of checked out of my mind. I'm not present. I might be thinking about things, but the time is passing and I'm not really engaging. Um, and so that, that has been a very hard one to let go of because it happens automatically and it's a real comfort zone for me. So, um, but I've noticed when I work against it, when I actually work to be more present, I feel a lot better. I feel less stressed, I feel less anxious, I feel happier. I actually enjoy things. So that's something that I've kind of trained myself out of it. It does still happen. It's just that now I notice it's happening, and I make a conscious effort to do something else. So that could look like, say I'm out to dinner with some friends is to look people in the eye, really listen, really notice, like take in the food, take in the surroundings, look around. Like actually not just look down at my phone or look at the plate and then go, you know, so that kind of tunnel vision, it happens to me very easily. Um, so working to be more present, like whenever I notice that happening.

00:13:27 Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.

00:13:27 Sana: So many letters. I, I connected with that and specifically two things. One is the that, you know, um, distancing yourself or your mind and getting into that doomscrolling or that self-indulgence. I mean, it can feel addictive because you feel that, you know, kind of an achievement. Okay, I've worked so much. Throughout the week. I've been so busy, I couldn't get time. So now on a Saturday morning, I'm lying down on my bed. I don't have the capacity to get up. Just lying down. Or maybe if I'm going out with my family members or friends, um, I'm still. Like my back of the mind. I'm still having that anxiety about what is going to happen on a Monday. And then kind of planning in my mind how I'm going to deal with that. And then, you know, you completely lose. Uh, that involvement, that indulgence of being in that environment with your friends or family members.

00:14:26 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: That is so true. That is such a good point. Yeah. You can spend all weekend thinking about what you have to do on Monday. And then it's like, you didn't even have a weekend.

00:14:36 Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly.

00:14:37 Sana: Exactly. Um, and then Doctor Cecilia, um. And what what do you do? I mean, you know, let's say now from weekends to the weekdays, if stress hits, let's say between between meetings, we don't have time to even have our lunch properly or maybe go for a walk. What can we do when we cannot escape the work day?

00:15:04 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: Yeah. You know, doing small things throughout the day is often just as effective or sometimes even more effective than doing the bigger things. So we always think of stress management as you have to carve out time. You have to carve out time for an hour to take a walk. You have to make a spa day appointment. You have to carve out all this time. And the truth is that if you just took two to five minutes a couple times a day throughout the day to reset, that is just as powerful as, um, bottling it all up, letting it build up and then waiting and then trying to de-stress in some amount of time that you carved out that you might not even get to. You know, you might go two weeks, three weeks before you carve out that time. Um, so what I personally do is when I notice that I'm, I'm frantic like that, like I didn't have time, I didn't have time to eat, or maybe I'm driving, I'm rushing between things, you know, I know that when you do that, that's not only when you get more stressed, it's also when you start making mistakes. Um, because you're not present, you're not mindful, you're trying to do too much at once. So I will remind myself to just stop, like literally just freeze for a second and asked myself like, okay, how do I feel? What's going on? Is there something that I can take off my plate right now? Like, do I have to be doing everything I'm doing right now? Is there something that can wait? Um, is there something that's bothering me that I can quickly try tried to calm myself down about or change my mind about. And then what do I need in that moment? And it could be honestly like stopping, not answering the phone and drinking a glass of cold water, or just closing my eyes for a minute and take a couple deep breaths and like, grounding myself. Um, or sometimes I'll get up in my office, like, I'll stand up and move around a little bit, like jump up and down or swing my arms or do some kind of little mobility thing that could take 60s. Um, but it makes me feel more grounded and a little more in control.

00:17:20 Speaker 4: MM mm.

00:17:21 Sana: And okay, let's say we, we do all these things, but, you know, sometimes there are situations or scenarios. And once again, this is something that from my own lived experience, I'm kind of curious to understand, you know, it can be very, um, Very challenging or sometimes even honestly frustrating to communicate that this is the time when at least I need just ten fifteen minutes to relax. Yeah, it can be, you know. And words, your language, it matters so much. Uh, maybe you're trying to communicate. I mean, the intention is good, but then comes out in a very different way. It's specific in a very different way. And that can also sometimes hamper your relationships. So how do you handle these kind of situations when you're trying to have healthy boundaries in there? Yeah.

00:18:18 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: You know, it's important to communicate that. So we have the time, but doing it in a way that is so respectful of our relationships. Different kinds of tips that I've given to people that I use myself. Um, the truth is, you do have to kind of talk to yourself and pause before you say something. Sometimes, because a lot of times we can just be reactive. But the more we work on that, the less reactive we typically are. Um, we can take a moment to just say something differently. So sometimes I don't tell people that I'm taking time to relax. I just tell them I'm not available. I'm busy because, you know, sometimes people respect busy more than relaxing, which is not good, but they do. If I'm like, I'm busy or I have a call and I don't, but I'm just telling them that because I know they'll respect that time. Or sometimes it just tell people, um, that you could just say, you know what, I need ten, fifteen minutes and reassure them that you will be there for them. Because what happens a lot, and I see this when I work with individuals dealing with their families or with couples, is the person who wants your attention. Sometimes they might feel really anxious that you're not going to give them that attention right now. Maybe they want to talk about something important. Maybe they need to ask you something important. And if you just say, I can't do that right now, that leaves them hanging and it leaves them feeling uncertain. And then they might push that boundary even more because they don't have they're like in space. They don't have anything to hold on to. So I would say something like, I really want to have this conversation with you. Um, give me ten or fifteen minutes and then you'll have my full attention. Usually a person will leave you alone if you, if you assure them that you will be there for them. Um, or I told the client one time, um, you know, when he came home from work, he was really exhausted. And then in the evenings, his family would want to talk to him and he was like, better in the morning. So he would just brush them off and say, you know, I had a long day. I can't deal with this right now. and that obviously didn't help. So we got him to say, I don't have the capacity to give you what you need right now. I want to listen to this and I want to be there for you fully. And I just don't have that in me right now. Um, but if we talk about this in the morning over breakfast, I can be totally tuned in to you. And, you know, there might be times where it's urgent and someone can't wait. But a lot of times, if we assure a person that we're not going anywhere, we're going to be there. In fact, if we take the time for ourselves, we're going to show up even better than they can usually calm down and be a little more agreeable to let us have the time, and then we don't feel so guilty about it. You know, we know we're taking the time because it's going to make us better in our relationships anyway.

00:21:25 Sana: You know, I think this is such a practical, uh, you know, advice that you're giving because I personally so much agree with that. Um, and it's kind of, uh, yeah, people will respect being busy than relaxing, but it is what it is. And sometimes we have to. That's exactly, you know, how the mindfulness works in there. I mean, you are acknowledging that the present circumstances and scenarios are like this. And what is the best out of the worst possible ways to get out, or maybe to solve this, or maybe to seek an answer, a solution for this?

00:22:05 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: Yeah. Right. And there, because I'm thinking like there are, there are terrible ways to do that too. And usually that's like, what happens when we, we don't have boundaries, um, or we don't do things for ourselves and then we let it build up, and then we get resentful and then we lash out.

00:22:24 Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

00:22:27 Sana: And before we wrap up, uh, Doctor Visaria, um, what's, um. I mean, it's just kind of a push back in here. Uh, but then some people say that I am not stressed. I'm too busy. This is just a phase. It will pass away. But then and, you know, and this is exactly something connected to what you just shared and what I agreed with is busy can be a socially acceptable mask for overwhelm. How how do you respond to the person who insists they are fine when their bodies. Clearly not, because that can be sometimes very challenging to, you know, kind of at least show them that, you know, it's not aligned. You need to look at it.

00:23:14 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: You know, it's interesting because a lot of times the people who are the most busy are the most productive. They, um, they're so cut off from themselves that they don't even notice that they're being affected. They don't notice how they feel. Um, like that's a little bit of what I describe when I used to feel like I, my head was kind of disconnected from my body. I'd be living in my head and not notice, like if something hurt, like I wouldn't notice if I was sitting in the same spot very for a long time and getting stiff until like, I had a lot of muscle pain in my shoulders. I wouldn't notice it earlier where I could actually do something about it. So a lot of times those people who are doing the most actually think they are fine, not only because the output is, is what they're looking at, but also because they don't even notice how they're feeling. So I would say it's really a combination. Like one would be an explanation of like what functioning really means, right? So we have our vocational functioning, the way we function at work or academically. Um, that's what we consider like really busy, really doing a lot. But we also have social functioning, personal functioning, physical health. Um, and, you know, are we able to do a morning routine? Are we able to take care of ourselves? Are we able to cook for ourselves? So once we open that up and say, okay, well, let's look at these other areas of your life. And you know, some people are not tuned in to how they're feeling, but they can look at how they're functioning. And if they say, you know what? Yeah, I have been putting something off that I really wanted to do or no, I haven't had a meaningful conversation with my friends in a really long time, or I've been not showing up in ways that I want to. They might be more inclined to notice that maybe stress is getting to them if they look at how they're functioning in all different areas. And the other piece of it is just building mindfulness. Mindfulness is like, it's like a muscle. You have to work it out. So usually what I'll tell people is to just take like, do something really easy, take a couple minutes up to five minutes every day, preferably twice a day if they can, and even set a timer and stop and just scan. So maybe emotions come up. Sometimes they don't. Some people are just they're not connected to their emotions or they don't know how to label their emotions. So look at the physical sensations. Do like a head to toe body scan, notice any tightness and then notice. Do you need something? Are you thirsty? Like are you feeling hungry? Start tuning into those little cues so you can actually start noticing how you're feeling and start noticing if stress is actually taking a toll on you.

00:26:14 Speaker 5: MM.

00:26:15 Sana: I appreciate you sharing that. Um, and I think this distinction, first of all, it is so needed because regulation, it helps you breathe not just your lungs breathing, but you yourself breathing. It doesn't replace a boundary in there. Um, so of course, before we wrap up, uh, doctor Vasilia, um, I'm very sure our listeners will be further, very much curious. Maybe they have their own experiences to share or they would seek more, um, answers or wisdom for this. So if they would like to reach out to you, what would be the easiest medium? Yeah.

00:26:57 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: So I would say, you know, if you're on Instagram, you can follow me there at Doctor Vasilia. Um, it's a good place to connect to me and see some of my content. Um, when people follow me, I do send like a free, um, Um, affirmations deck. Digital affirmations deck, which is kind of nice. Um. So, uh, that's a good way to just start getting to know my work a little more and then contacting me there.

00:27:27 Sana: That's great. That's really great. And listeners, I'll make sure to have all the links in the show notes mentioned. And as we wrap up here, I want to land this gently today on the Mindful Living podcast listeners, that stress isn't proof you are feeling. It's, it's often proof that you have been caring too much, too long without enough recovery, without enough permission, without enough truth. And if you take nothing else from today, maybe you take this. Your first sign matters. The jaw clench, the breath, the irritability, the overfunctioning, the doomscrolling Those aren't character flaws. They are messages. And you don't have to become a different person to handle stress altogether. You just have to become a slightly earlier listener and doctor. Thank you so, so much. Thank you. Because this was a very practical and not oversimplifying or not overcomplicating. And, you know, especially stress. So thank you so much.

00:28:39 Dr. Vassilia Binensztok: Thank you so much for having me. It was a great conversation.

00:28:42 Sana: Yes. And to all the listeners, thank you for giving this your attention. And if this episode brought you clarity, share it with someone who's been saying, I'm fine a little too quickly. And if you are new here, follow the mindful living so you don't have to find your way back when things get heavy. Take a breath, one honest breath before you go back to your day. Until next time. This is your host, Sana, and I'll catch you in the next episode of the Mindful Living Podcast. Thank you.