Tony: Creating a level of independence and autonomy within the kid is just
about empowering them to be them.
And that's true confidence.
True confidence is not about being competent about stuff
and knowing everything.
God, no.
You know, nobody knows everything, right?
But you know, people think that they have to.
It's about just being cool with yourself and, and your foundation
and accepting it warts and all.
And it, and the best thing, the gift you can give anybody and kids and, and
the reason why I do what I do and I talk to my clients all the time is because
that's the one thing I want to give them.
I want to give them what I already see in them that they don't see in themselves.
Kat: Yeah.
Yeah.
Tony: Is the fact that they have this power.
It's incredible.
Kat: Today's guest is Tony Dufresne.
Tony is a confidence coach for women and his journey really started
when he became a single father at age 27 to his daughter, Rachel.
You are not going to want to miss this episode.
Make sure you stay tuned.
Hey, my name is Kat.
Lee: And I'm Lee.
Kat: And welcome to the
Lee: Wildly Wealthy Life Podcast.
In this show, we explore the journey of what it means to live a truly
exceptional and fulfilling life.
Kat: Each episode focuses on how a foundation of brilliant minds and
brave hearts nurtured through the arts leads to lifelong success.
Lee: Get inspired with actionable tips to foster a growth
mindset, leadership values.
And creativity and children and adults turning their potential into lasting
contributions for their communities.
Kat: We hope that you embrace the challenge to shift your perspective as we
equip you and the next generation for a
Lee: wildly wealthy life.
Kat: We had an incredible time with Tony.
And, uh, what was your biggest takeaway from that episode?
Lee: First of all, Tony, if you're watching, thank you for sharing
your story and coming on again.
I was very moved and impacted by seeing your life in full circle, almost.
The inspiration that your grandfather gave you when you were young, and
that support, and how your life has evolved to a point where now you can
be that support for your grandkids.
And, The impact that you have and all the learning that you've had, uh, for
your clients, the people that are going to be listening to you and watching you,
there is a magic that is there, and I really thank you for being vulnerable
and sharing your story with us.
Kat: Yeah, and what I really loved was he had some really amazing insight on how to.
As an, as a parent or as an educator or as a caregiver, how to raise kids
with creativity from such a young age that could set them up for success for
lifelong success and the insight that he had on that was really impactful for me.
And so we can't wait to just share this episode with you today.
Tony, thank you for being with us here today.
Um, I really love just your story about you and your daughter,
uh, Rachel, and I know that you learned a lot about confidence.
from her.
But aside from that, I know that, you know, you are the
confidence doc, which is amazing.
I love it.
And I love that you are just so boldly teaching this and empowering women in a
space where it's usually women who teach, you know, about women's confidence and
you're in this space, which is amazing, which we want to dive into later.
I know Lee has some questions about that, but what other things have
you learned from being a woman?
And, you know, especially in the leadership skill area.
Tony: All the things I've learned, you can't fit in at 45 minutes.
You can't even fit that into a day.
Right.
I mean, that's, you know, as a parent.
Kat: Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Yes.
Tony: But the, you know, the thing is, is that that was, I found it
extraordinary because at the time I was 26 or so and we had Rach, um, and,
uh, I got, it was like a hot minute.
I was divorced right after that.
And it so happened that I had her.
Like all the time.
I wasn't supposed to be like that, but it all of a sudden I was a
single dad and I had sisters, but you know, it's as any woman or man
knows, uh, so it's just a woman.
A lot of men don't realize this, but a woman's world is so much different,
completely different than a man's world in terms of just Perspective
and the way systems are set up.
And so, uh, having to navigate that as not, not only as a new
dad, but as a dad of a daughter.
And, uh, it was so nuanced and she taught me so many things.
You know, I was always very matter of fact, I was always very
linear in my approach to things.
And with a daughter, you can't really do that.
Not only because we're going to talk about art, right?
And self expression, not only was she a girl and a daughter, but she
was, she's a theater girl, right?
She's a singer.
She's, she's an artiste.
It's like a triple layer of stuff.
And, and of course I was, I mean, I grew up, uh, you know, playing guitar.
I was a musician.
I did a little bit of acting until I realized it's not for me at all.
But, uh, but I was always a musician at heart.
So I had a little bit of that, but not even close to, you know, what she has
in terms of artistic self expression.
And so through that and through seeing that and through.
Understanding the differences and the nuances in life and the perceptions that
happen because, uh, because not only as being a daughter or a girl, but also
being very artistic and very dimensional in her thinking and her approach to
life taught me so much, really opened me up to being a way better parent.
I mean, that was, that, that created everything on my foundation.
That moved me into the direction of working with women and working with
women specifically with confidence because I, because she taught me that.
And in, and in response to that, we sort of worked this out together.
I always tell my women clients, I'll never be able to empathize.
Cause I'm not a woman, but I can certainly sympathize and be as
big of an advocate as I can be, uh, from a girl, dad perspective.
And so that's my approach to my clients and my approach to my grandkids now and
my granddaughter, uh, and I'll still my approach, uh, to my daughter as well.
And we're just, we have a very great, happy tribe and, uh,
you know, every day is amazing.
Lee: Tony, one, one thing real quick here.
How are you a grandfather?
You do not.
Thank
Tony: you.
It's amazing.
I appreciate that.
. Uh, it, it, a lot of filters on the camera.
A lot . Gotcha.
Seven layers.
The foundation I learned from my daughter.
Are you real
Kat: or are you AI
, Tony: right?
Yeah.
It's, it's all ai.
Have you seen that new ai?
Not to digress, but man, that new AI is just incredible.
It's like a real person, right?
I was very lucky because genetics in my family and my
mom always looked like she was.
35 years younger.
And so I just, I'll just roll with that.
Yeah, that's good.
Lee: I did have a question though, because some of the most like beautiful
things or works that, um, we as humans like create and whatnot, usually come
from a source of, um, pain, struggle, some kind of like conflict and whatnot.
And obviously you kind of went over it real quickly, but divorce is like a
splitting, you know, a separation, uh, that not, uh, Many people really spend
a lot of time on delving into the pain that's really associated with that.
I, too, years ago, uh, was divorced, uh, after about a year change of,
of marriage, and there is just a deep cut that that, that is.
And then to add on top of that, your responsibility was raising a daughter.
Raising her, what were some of the things that you, you experienced, that
you witnessed in, in watching your daughter grow, some of the struggles
that she had, that even made this idea of being the confidence stock?
Like, what were the.
the ground level things that really shook you to help want to,
like, make this change for people.
Tony: It's so true that pain and despair and being at the bottom of the well
really brings on the creativity or the, or the yearning for expansion.
I mean, it's either you give up and you just sit there and rot away and
spin an ashtray in the corner of a dark room, or you do something about it.
And with me, it was a double edge.
It was like a double kick to the gut because not only was I divorced and
you haven't going through that, that separation and, uh, that rejection.
And of course I had just my own child trauma stuff, all of that poke that bear.
Like that was the big red button.
So it made that bad.
Plus the fact that the one thing I did not want to do as a parent was to put
my child through a separated family.
I did not.
I mean, that's the last thing, because I never knew my real
dad and I had issues with.
You know, all that stuff.
And the one thing I didn't want to do was the exact thing that now I'm involved in.
And in that process, what I did was I, and I'll, and I'll just
did, my daughter knows this too.
I, I overcompensated because I felt I had to, because not only was I dealing
with that stuff, at the same time, Rachel's mom wasn't showing up as a mom.
And so I felt as though I had to wear.
Kat: Two roles.
Yeah.
Tony: And I had, and, uh, and so, but I think that overall that really shaped me.
It shaped my mentality.
It really took me to school again, in terms of figuring out what I need to do.
And the fact that this, this other world is a lot more nuanced than 26 or
seven years that I did up to that point.
Yeah.
And with that, you know, in psychology, we call it flooding and flooding
is, you know, like if you're afraid of spiders, they put you into
room full of spiders type thing.
Yeah, that was flooding for me because it was either you, you sink or you swim.
And that shaped everything moving forward because I was a finance major.
And, you know, going through college and I, it was in doing real estate stuff.
And it wasn't until I went through that and realized and learn and had to read
books and went to therapy that I realized that that's really what I want to do.
And that changed everything.
And that got me to go when I was 29, I decided to go back
to school and Pepperdine waves, go waves, go waves, right?
So that's, that's when I went back to Pepperdine and, uh, got my
master's in psychology because I felt as though that was my calling.
And I could, and the only way I could have gotten to that point was through
my daughter and through the situation.
And so as much as, Stuff happens.
That's just crappy stuff.
You know, it does lead you to something if you're open to it.
And that's the mentality I take, you know, to this day.
Kat: Yeah.
Is there anything in your upbringing, especially like in the realm of the
arts, because you said, you know, you play the guitar, you love music.
How has creativity Kind of paved the way for you to, you know, when
you became 27 and you got divorced and now you're a single dad, you
know, uh, how does creativity play into you stepping up into that role?
And actually, instead of, you know, sinking, you actually learned how to swim.
Right.
Tony: Right.
Yeah.
Uh, creativity is one of the most powerful tools you can have.
Uh, not only is it just a tool from an ex like sharing.
Like an experiential thing, you're sharing it with other people and getting them
involved in creating an environment of self expression and self acceptance,
but it's also, you know, inner self acceptance and self expression as well.
I mean, it's, it's, it's a perfect blend of both of those and having
the creativity that I did and.
Like I said, I wasn't like the theater kid or anything.
I just, I enjoyed music and I always just had an ear for it and loved it and
was in bands and all that fun stuff.
But it wasn't until having my daughter and having her be such a theater
kid, uh, and that, uh, that I, that became a bond with both of us.
In me prepping her for her singing contest, in me, you know, us reading
lines together, in, uh, in her going over her songs ahead of, and so
me, you know, correcting her pitch and, and, you know, giving her some
feedback and thoughts and stuff.
It became a huge connector, to this day.
It's one of the biggest connectors of myself and my daughter in terms of our
relationship, because I feel as though, I feel as though creativity and, and
self expression is one of, if not the most powerful forces in this world.
And I have to tell you, I haven't met one single person that has that,
and that expresses that, and that owns that, that isn't, you know,
ahead of the curve in terms of joy.
Having a good time.
You know, everybody has their ups and downs and all that.
But, uh, tell me, tell me it's not a bad thing that, that
theater kids are like getting in groups and singing like anywhere.
You can always tell where a theater kid is.
And I just love that because it, and that's how powerful it is.
It's moving.
It's so powerful.
Lee: I was in, um, South Africa recently in Johannesburg
and, uh, flight got canceled.
Had to go to a hotel, stay overnight.
Then we came back.
But when I came back, uh, the timing was perfect.
Cause there was this like theater, I don't know if it's theater group, but
there's a performance group and they're just ripping, I don't know if it's the
South African, like, National Anthem or whatever it was, but they're just
sitting there, stomping, singing, and, like, the, the, just the, the joy that
shot through the airport, the terminal, people stopped, started clapping, the,
um, the workers, like, all the people at the cash register and everything, just
came running out, like, left the people at the counter, and came out and started
yelling and just, ah, and just that.
The energy that comes with the creativity and the voice and yeah, it's
so it's so so powerful Yeah, I love
Tony: that point.
It creates a tangible force.
It really does because you know, everything is energy everything is I
mean, that's the you know, I'm a big quantum guy and and you know, my base
is my you know Foundational stuff is based upon that and I feel as though
that that is the most powerful energy.
It's almost
Kat: Mm hmm.
Especially, I mean, there's all sorts of creativity, but for me, I may
be a little bit biased, but there's something about music, you know,
like there's obviously there's so many different types of creativity.
Of course, movement.
I love movement too, and all of that.
But man, there's something about when you put together movement and
music that is just the, I feel like that that joy frequency that comes
out of that is through the roof.
At least that's how I feel in my own practice.
Tony: The research base is the fact that it releases dopamine, I mean, it
releases the endorphins, and they've seen that music is as powerful as, you
know, working out, or, you know, being in a joyous event, or, you know, getting
married, I mean, it can move you and it can create those excited neural pathways
to get you in a really good space.
I mean, and that's, you know, that's, you know, they've researched that for years.
Kat: Yeah, absolutely.
I want to kind of go back into when you said that, you know, your
father was absent in your childhood.
What were some of the, you know, as you're growing up, you
know, without your dad, right?
Like being absent.
I grew up as well without my parents.
Not that I, they showed me that they loved me, but they were
just not there physically, right?
What were some of the, um, Limiting beliefs that you had as a child that
you had to really overcome to step into the place that you are now.
I mean, I know it's a process as we're growing up, but you
know, what are some of those?
Tony: Yeah, my situation was not to get way into it, but I had a step dad that
I didn't even realize was my step dad because nobody ever told me because that
happened when I was, you know, Two and a half or something until I was like 14.
So there's this level of, you know, base of deception that's going on.
Plus the fact that I was in a household that was, that had extremely
strict boundaries that actually restricted levels of artistic and
self expression, uh, because they didn't want to be embarrassed.
Wow.
Right.
And, uh, and then there was a massive level of perfection because if, you
know, it's one of those things where if I, you know, if I got a B plus
that, that would be very disappointing.
So it was always the carrot on the stick and you could never ever get the carrot.
And so there was a level of perfection.
The lack of it of acceptance for who I was as a kid, which always
translates because kids just always, you know, take that upon themselves
and that creates a level of, of, of lack of self acceptance of yourself.
And then, and those are the things that in growing up very much restrict you.
And I feel as though the, the music when I started doing it,
which was, I mean, it started.
playing guitar when I was eight, but it wasn't until probably in
high school, oh, it was high school where I started with the band stuff.
And then you start getting, you know, really self expressive and,
and a little rebellious and whatnot.
And I, and I realized that that was the way I was rebelling against that whole
system that I was, that I grew up in.
The walking on eggshells perfectionist, you know, self esteem stuff.
And I, and the second that I was accepted within the realm of my bandmates and
people having a good time when we went out to do gigs, that was it for me.
That was like, talk about a drug.
Oh my God.
That was incredible.
That's, that's how I got out of it.
And that's why I just, I love the fact that when you got in contact
with me and, and I knew what we were going to be talking about today, it
was this, because it's again, it's the force is extremely powerful.
And I just, I love talking about it.
Lee: Wow, that's incredible.
How often are you able to bring in that passion for music, the impact of
music into your, your sessions with.
You're the people, the women that you're working
Tony: with every time I did because one of the first intake questions I asked
them is, you know, what do you listen to?
I mean, what do you do?
What do you do for fun?
I do, you know, is it dancing?
Is it I mean, do you do anything like that?
The amount of music or the what they listen to Is a huge indicator of
mindset and if you want to be stuck in a in a bad situation Bummer mindset,
then, you know, they're going to be telling me they're listening to
some old sappy country stuff, right?
Where the dog and the pickup truck are always leaving, right?
So,
yeah, I'd say so if that, if that's the case, it says a lot.
About that, but I always, and then I used, I use, I almost do musical therapy
along with the two other things that I, in fact, I think, Kat, I think we
talked about this on the two shows about journaling and meditation that
are incredibly, uh, effective in terms of getting you You know, getting your
mindset straight and getting you aligned and getting your foundation set, I think
music is another one of them, because if you want to get yourself in the right
mindset, uh, start playing it, start getting it, start setting it up to where
it benefits you, uh, and getting you, you know, Going in the right direction.
So I use it with every single client.
Kat: Yeah, that's amazing.
And, um, when you were growing up and you're saying, you know, that you had
such a strict upbringing and all, and then finding out that, you know, the
dad that you thought was your dad was actually your stepfather at age 14, right?
All of these things, obviously there's so many range of emotions and thoughts
that can go through a child's mind.
Uh, when you go through that, um, did you have any.
Mentor that kind of helped you cope with that.
Did you have any?
And
Tony: yeah, my maternal grandfather.
Yeah,
Kat: awesome.
And what did he, how did he help you through that?
Tony: He and my grandmother accepted me and, you know, welcome me and
allowed me to, I mean, we had band practice in their garage.
They, they allowed me to do that.
They, you know, they allowed me to use their big old Oldsmobile Delta
88, uh, to haul around the amps.
He actually co signed at like, like Moody.
I can't remember the music.
It was an old music store in LA, uh, that we went up there and we bought this beater
amp, you know, main amp system with a big speed, big, huge speakers, you know, back
in the day, you know, they were just, everything was a thousand pounds and
the speakers were like bigger than me.
He actually co signed.
The, the little loan that we had with them and, you know, we had to pay him
like 40 bucks a month or something, but my grandfather drove up with us to LA
and he co signed for, so we could have our amps so we could start playing gigs.
So it was, yeah, there was, he was the saving grace, he and my grandmother.
And, uh, ultimately I ended up.
Uh, staying with them.
I moved out of my right after I graduated high school.
I actually stayed over there mostly.
And then when I ended up going to San Diego State, when I always came back up
to Orange County, which is about an hour and 15 minutes drive over the weekends or
whatever, I would always stay with them.
So I ended them.
Staying.
I ended up moving in with them because that was real.
That was really my home.
And I always considered that my home more so than my other house.
Kat: It just speaks volumes to me because my grandmother was that for me too.
Um, you know, my grandmother was the one who, you know, took me to my
ballet lessons and my piano lessons.
And, uh, Really encouraged me to, to keep with piano and when I wanted to
quit, it was, she was there for me, you know, so that just you sharing
that story just gives me that just a flashback of how amazing, um,
Tony: right?
Yeah.
How important is that to be?
Something to have that.
And that's why I want, I wanted, always wanted that to
be, you know, with my daughter.
And I always want that to be with my granddaughter.
I told my grandkids, uh, my granddaughter is 10 and my grandson is eight.
And, um, she's playing violin now, which is super cool.
But I always told him, I said, if you guys ever, ever, ever want to do music
lessons or singing lessons, I got it.
I got it covered.
Just let me know, sign up, and I got it covered.
Because it's incredibly, incredibly important, uh, to, I believe, to, for
every single child to have music in their life in some form or fashion.
Or, or, or singing, or, you know, anything like that.
Kat: Yeah.
Tony: What's it like,
Lee: sorry, just jumping in, with, um, you had the experience of, Seeing your
grandfather be this example for you, but now, you know, years later, you're
being that for your own grandkids.
What, how does that feel?
Like, what,
Tony: what are you pulling from that as, as you go through this?
It feels awesome, and I realized that now I know why he was so happy.
Yeah, because he's like, He always said, you know, both of them, my
grandmother too, she was awesome.
And they always said, you know, being grandparents the best.
I'm like, okay, yeah, whatever.
You know, you're older and you know, you're slower and you move around.
You get to, you feed, you know, you let me have more candy than my
mom and dad, but you know, what's, you know, what's the difference.
But then you get to be a grandparent and it's, it's just the greatest.
Because you're, because you're not in that position where you need to be good
cop and or bad cop, uh, you're in a position where you can be supportive
and you can also be in a position where you can be a friend, but not a friend.
If that makes sense.
You can be somebody that's, that's there and listens and ask questions and, uh,
and gets them to be involved in something where you guys can be a team on something,
uh, without having to straddle the parent.
Line because sometimes with the parent line, it's hard to do that
and keep the boundary where you need to have it because a lot of parents
nowadays are trying to be the best friend and that doesn't work at all.
I think we've seen the results of that, uh, you know, so that way, but
the grandparent can be, uh, without, without undermining, uh, the parents.
So that's, that's why I absolutely, and I take that from
my grandfather and my grandmother.
Because all I'm, all I'm doing is really just emulating and modeling exactly what
I was taught by them in terms of, here it is, the number one thing, being present.
Kat: Yeah, that's really great.
Lee: With the modeling aspect, I just was thinking back, um, after you had
your separation, you're raising your daughter on your own, not to go back
too far, but with, um, I have this TV show, This is Us, in my head.
There's this awesome scene where, uh, this mom, she takes in, um,
African American or a black kid.
And then they're at the pool, and she ends up going to these, um, black moms to
kind of figure out, like, what do I do?
You know, and just connecting, um, through that.
process.
Did you have like female mentors that were kind of helping you with
raising your daughter or what?
How did you figure some of that out?
Tony: My mom did help.
Yeah, a lot.
It just, she was, as much as I was in a very strict environment at the
time, uh, growing up, uh, she was very good at setting boundaries.
She was very good at prioritizing, you know, levels of, Discipline without being
overboard at what she wasn't the issue.
The big issue with me growing up.
Uh, she was complicit in a lot of that, but she wasn't the main gig.
It was the step dad.
So she taught me a lot.
She actually helped me a lot with my daughter.
At the time, and for me, and you know, people say, Oh, teenagers
are the worst, or, you know, they're hardest and most of it.
I felt as though the first two, three years were the most difficult, uh, with
the infant, they can't talk, uh, and it's a girl and there's different things.
And I was like, I don't know.
So my mom was really good.
And at, in the early years, she really did step up and help out a lot.
Kat: That's
Tony: awesome.
Lee: As I, um, I've got three different nieces, and they're
all at different stages.
One's, um, looking at colleges, one's in, uh, she just had her
homecoming dance two nights ago.
And then, um, The other one is in eighth grade and it's just awesome
watching them at different stages, but it's, you know, that, that outside
perspective, sometimes it's, it's great.
I haven't experienced raising a daughter, but seeing things that they do is
watching my, you know, my sister and my brother raise them and making different
decisions and trying to balance that line of being a friend, being, you
know, a parent and having to lay down the law at the same time, balancing
that with, you know, another like her.
Her ex coming and having say on different things.
It really complicates.
Tony: Yeah.
Again, that's a whole other show.
Um, yeah, with, with the, especially with an ex or a co parent and I use that term
loosely, but, uh, that is not on board.
The same page at not on the same universe as you and I found myself a lot, which is
the reason why ultimately I had reached like 98 percent of the time because we
tried to do the split thing and then every time that she came back to me,
I'd have to deprogram her or, you know, like, Set her back in terms of a solid
foundation from the absolute dumpster fire that was happening at the other place.
Because Rach, Rach as a kid, she didn't understand the differences in terms of
the way that the households were set up and the boundaries and the systems that
were or lack thereof that were in place.
And so she came back and, you know, kids just Kids just roll, right?
I mean, their whole, their whole reality is just like as far as
the nose in front of their face.
And so they just keep in, so when they get to the back to a place where
there's expectations, you know, all of a sudden it's just, you know,
it's just, it's crazy to rope her in.
It's like herding cats.
And so no pun intended, right?
Is
Kat: this where, where the book came from?
Surrounded by idiots?
Tony: Yeah, well, yeah, that was, there are, let me just
say without pointing fingers.
Yes, exactly.
That's exactly where it
Kat: came from.
That's hilarious.
Lee: I was like, it's that or maybe.
He watched Spaceballs and there's that scene where Darth Helmet is like.
Tony: I 100 percent yeah, Darth Helmet is, is a, I'm a huge fan.
For the record, that's a classic.
Young Frankenstein is my favorite, but Spaceballs is top three.
Well,
Kat: I just want to kind of go back to what you said.
Cause you know, when you, when Rachel comes back to you, right.
And you're like, well, I have to set her again in a, in a solid
foundation and all of that.
Yeah.
What do you think as, what would your advice be to parents, um, uh, when it
comes to, you know, the desire to, to raise them into children who grow up into
adults with brilliant minds and brave hearts, what does that mean to you to
grow into an adult to have a brilliant mind and a brave heart and what's that
foundation to set them up towards that?
Tony: Yeah, there's two parts to that.
And I appreciate because before the show, you did send over some like
some basis in terms of what we're going to talk about, which I love.
And I should probably do that with my with the people that on my show.
I don't I just let it wing and you know, you never know
what's going to happen, right?
But two things.
My background and my foundation is stoicism.
And from my PhD, it's always stoic philosophy and stoicism
is courage and discipline.
One.
And justice and wisdom.
Those are the four pillars that I've that I set and that I set for my
daughter to when we're growing up.
You also you asked a question, and I think this is what you're
referring to in your question.
You asked was, uh, what can parents do to nurture creativity?
I think this is like one of the most important questions, uh, and in the thing
is, I think a lot of parents, a lot of parents are so involved in the now and
so involved in the crisis and reaction that they don't, they're not proactive on
these things in terms of setting them up.
So the first thing is, First thing is easy.
It's just model the behavior, model the behavior, model,
discipline, model, courage, model, be consistent, you know, anything.
The funny thing is, you know, a lot of parents think, Oh, you know, I, you know,
do as I say, not as I do type of a thing, uh, they do, you know, they do something.
Kids are total sponges.
And they, not just consciously, but subconsciously, and they'll
pick up on every single thing.
And if they keep picking up on the parent being, you know, out
of integrity, what, what kind of modeling is that for the kids?
And so model behavior, it's really important.
And it'll make you a better person too, because it'll keep you on track.
It's like, you know, it's just like self checking yourself.
The second thing is create tangible boundaries that allow
room for self expression.
So create boundaries.
It could, again, the best friend thing and letting them run the household
is a terrible idea because they're just not, they're not set for it.
Plus kids, as much as they hate it.
Like they'll tell you they hate it.
They love boundaries because they know if they know and there's
not a level of insecurity.
There's not a level of fear of not of like what's gonna happen if there's a
safety net there that they know that they can play in like the bounce house.
All the four walls are there.
They know that they're there.
Then they're that as much as they'll whine about it.
It's a good thing for them.
But in that context, I always told my daughter.
Yeah.
And everybody in my family, and this is where we had a big blowout with the
family, because they thought I gave her way too much room for self expression.
And I said, yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.
Because we still have our agreement that there's levels of respect.
I'm still the dad.
I'm not the buddy and you've got to respect that.
And if you do step over the line, which she did, then, uh, you,
then there's consequences to that.
But the key is, is that in order for anything to happen from a
creativity standpoint, you've got to give them enough rope.
You have to, it can't be a super small bubble to live in because they'll never
be able, they'll never trust themselves in that because they don't have the room
to trust themselves and it'll just be, it'll end up being, you know, something
that it'll fester within them and then they'll have to go to therapy and believe
me, that's, you know, that's super fun.
The next thing is to prioritize being present.
With your child.
And that's the thing my grandfather and grandmother did.
And the thing that I do, I try to do as much as I can.
Be present with them.
Put the stupid phone down.
Uh, play UNO for the 27th time.
Yeah.
Right?
Which I did this morning because my granddaughter slept over.
She had a sleepover last night.
Uh, you know, be, be present, right?
Uh, color the picture with them.
Right?
Sing the song with them.
Be present is really important.
Encourage critical thinking and problem solving through
asking questions with the kids.
The study in a lot of the confidence books that I read in terms of the
basis of my education, there's, there's a study that one of the greatest
confidence creators in children is to ask them to teach you something.
Oh,
Kat: so
Tony: good.
Ask them to teach you something.
I bet, I mean, I don't know if you've done that personally, uh, Kat, with
any of your clients or something, but it, it, that's a, that's a good, I
know a lot of teachers use that, too.
It's kind of that whole thing where, okay, say it back to me type of a thing.
You know, just kind of repeat it and see if they, and then they teach
you something and, oh, okay, great.
But that's so powerful.
Those are the things, um, oh, and then the last thing is, uh, embrace failure
as a really, really important learning.
And expansive tool failure is not a bad thing.
It's the way that you learn.
It's the way that you grow.
It shows that you're taking steps because if you don't take steps,
then you're not going to fail.
If you don't fail, you don't take it.
You know, it's just so those are the things that I would say to nurture,
um, very art, you know, the art, the artistic and expressive nature and
Children and to allow them to develop into their own person, which isn't
that our job in the first place?
Mhm.
You know, that those are the steps that I would say to take.
Lee: Yeah.
And that's so many, so many different questions and statements going up to
my head because there's, there's so much in just those, those few points.
But I think the bubble, you know, if you keep too tight of a leash, just
being in higher education for the last 20 years, when they get that freedom,
they get that chance to just be on their own, whoo, the decisions that are
made because they just haven't had any.
Any freedom at all.
So then they just run until they hit a wall, you know, and then have to learn
about those boundaries and then on the other side to where they just run and
run and run and run and run and run, you know, the mom and dad aren't going to be
the ones necessary to pull on the rope.
But somebody in the community is going to have to, and that usually is a harder
yank than what mom and dad will do.
Tougher lesson.
Yeah.
Tony: There's so, yeah.
So I love, I love those statements of what you just said.
Go ahead.
It's funny you brought that up because my first year as a freshman, I was a,
I graduated seven out of 800 people.
Right.
I was like 3.
96, whatever.
And, uh, and got into Cal State Fullerton is where I went.
I was going to be an engineer.
I was there.
I was an engineer for three weeks, but that's another story.
And then
Kat: finance and then psychology.
Tony: Yeah.
And then, oh yeah.
And then biology.
And I mean, I did like eight different majors.
It was ridiculous.
So I ended up, uh, ended up getting there.
It took, you know, 15 units of typical, you know, whatever
workload, not a big deal.
You know, chemistry, because I love that stuff and I was really good at it.
Right.
So of course, just like you said, you know, getting into a university,
getting there, absolutely imploded.
First of all, joined a fraternity, worst mistake ever.
Uh, had all those classes, had, had to dump the lab, like eight and a
half minutes into my college career.
Cause there's no way I'm showing up for the lab.
Right.
And then, uh, and then ultimately I got, uh, I, I dropped classes.
I got a C and a D I'd never gotten anything less than a B.
My life.
. Kat: Yeah.
Tony: And then, and you know why?
Because the exact thing you just said, that's why, 'cause I was such a tight
little bubble that I got out there.
I was like, woo-hoo.
Right Party time.
I mean, I didn't even like beer until like 20 minutes into
stepping into the fraternity.
And then you don't have a choice, right?
They, they hand you a beer bong and that's like the rest of your semester.
So, uh, and so I completely agree with that and I bet you see that a lot.
Lee: Yeah, yeah, it is, it's, it is a parent's responsibility, but also in
the society that we live in, there's so many messages that are going out there
in social media and TV, you know, what's the right thing to do as a parent, what's
the wrong thing to do as a parent, but you really, like your point where you
have to know your child, you have to know what they need to really get those
boundaries set for themselves and not, not be, you know, Uh, a dictator over it, uh,
but also not be the, you know, foo foo, tree huggin Like, just completely free
Tony: end of things, you know?
That balance.
Exactly.
And it's not impossible.
The, the balance is not impossible.
And the way you know your, your child is to, is to be present with a child
and ask questions of the child, because not all kids, every kid's different,
as you know, because you, you know, you work with kids, every kid's different.
And, you know, they respond to different things.
They stimulate, stimulate to different things.
They, you know, some things it just, so you have to learn about your kid.
And I got to tell you, and I've told my daughter this too.
I said, you know, nowadays, I think parents have it a lot tougher.
Now they really do.
I mean, I, I brought Rach up in the pre internet stuff.
All that stuff was just kind of coming in.
I mean, shoot, I didn't even get a computer till I was in my late twenties.
So, uh, and used a pager, you know, so, uh, nowadays with social media and.
It's crazy because kids minds are very impressionable and they, more so
now than ever, they need balance and guidance and structure and, uh, you
know, expectations, like, realistic, and, uh, so, and that's the parent's job.
Lee: One thing I do appreciate with, at least with.
My brother and sisters, they, they collect cell phones at the end of the
night so they can kind of like go through a scan and make sure how, how wild, you
know, things are getting and whatnot.
And then the kids also know that that's coming.
So then they kind of restrict themselves.
Or they delete it.
Yeah.
True.
Yeah.
But then, you know, there, there is that trust though that's built up where,
like, I know I'm going to get into certain trouble if I go too far with
this research or I start going down this rabbit hole of whatever it is.
Um, when you're working with.
Uh, what women specifically, that can be a danger that opens up a lot of different
worlds, you know, how, how do you, how do you kind of navigate that with.
With the women that you're working with, or even maybe it's with your, you know,
with your daughter, with your grandkids.
Tony: Uh, you mean in terms of like creating the expectations or, or,
uh, Yeah, and creating like kind of self guidance, self regulation.
Yeah, that's, that's it, right?
I mean, that's the huge thing, especially nowadays, because the, as much as it has
been in the past to where And I won't get into the whole thing about different power
plays and people making decisions for you and really downplaying your opinions
and saying, no, we know what's right.
And, you know, that kind of stuff.
But creating a level of independence and autonomy within the kid is just
about empowering them to be them.
And that's true confidence.
True confidence is not about being competent about stuff
and knowing everything.
God, no.
You know, nobody knows everything, right?
But, you know, people think that they have to.
It's about just being cool with yourself and your foundation
and accepting it warts and all.
And it, and the best thing and the gift you can give anybody and kids and, and
the reason why I do what I do and I talk to my clients all the time is because
that's the one thing I want to give them.
I want to give them what I already see in them that they don't see in themselves.
Kat: Yeah.
Yeah.
Tony: Is the fact that they have this power.
It's incredible.
Kat: Absolutely.
I love that you're talking about like the self regulation.
I really tie it back to like piano I, I keep going back to when you're
learning to play an instrument.
It's one of the very, you know, unless you're in a band, but even
when you're in a band, right?
You still have to learn things on your own, alone, right?
It's very different than dance.
Usually dance, you go to a dance studio, you're with friends.
Sports team, you go to, you know, sports and you practice your
sport with a bunch of people.
Drama club, the same thing.
You have to, you have to run lines with other people.
There's always someone there with you, usually.
And we play a musical instrument.
You have to sit down by yourself and to just do it by yourself.
No one's keeping you accountable.
No one's, you know, when you make a mistake, no one's telling you what to do.
Like, it's almost like you have to learn how to practice by yourself.
And that's a level of self regulation that I feel like I got
as a child that I didn't know.
And as an adult, I realized, oh my gosh, the hours I was It's putting
sitting on a piano bench actually taught me what it means to like self
regulate self discipline myself.
Tony: Yeah.
That's, isn't that huge?
That's huge.
Kat: It's huge.
Yeah.
Tony: What a tool to be taught without even understanding really what you
were being taught, but that is so true.
And it's, it's something that I don't think.
Is as widespread as it used to be, because we're in this three second and then move
on to the next thing environment now, instead of putting the time in creating
a foundational, you know, process within yourself and, you know, like I like I say
with my clients when they have an issue.
And they come into me.
It's not about it's not about saving the world.
It's about taking a piece of that, like a small piece and learning
how to work through creating a solution to the small piece.
It's taking that small step to create a foundation and a plan to move on
to something else and and sitting there and learning how to practice and
learning how to maybe be frustrated.
God knows you see the you.
frustrates the heck out of me, right?
But learning that that's part of the process and then being okay with it,
especially for a perfectionist, I mean, is such a huge asset to have because
that translates into any other thing you can do in terms of expanding your
life in terms of relationships or career or, you know, building a car in your
garage or whatever the case may be.
That's a core foundational learning.
And that's why that and again, another reason why music is awesome and learning
and learning an instrument is amazing.
Kat: Yeah, absolutely.
How do you think can, aside from, you know, all of the other
things, uh, when it comes to.
Music and, uh, kind of like teaching kids leadership values.
Um, what is another thing that comes to your mind when it comes to instilling
that into kids through creativity, maybe not just music, but through
creativity in general, you know, um, another leadership value that you feel
is so important as an adult that can be instilled, uh, into a child's life at a
young age through creativity and music.
Tony: Self accountability, because I, especially, especially with music,
like you just said, practicing, you know, if you say, listen.
In order to get to a certain point, this is the sacrifice that you have to make.
And how many times have you heard, in fact, I heard Elton John say this.
He said, you know, I wanted to be the guy out there playing after school.
Outside.
Outside playing.
Like with all the other kids.
He goes, but, you know, my mom or I think it was his aunt or somebody that
he said, no, but I, I had my studies.
I had my Piano teachings and, you know, going through that, he
goes, you know, now look back.
It's like, obviously, it's awesome because the guy's amazing.
Right.
But he said at the time, he didn't realize that that's what he was being taught.
He was being taught a level of accountability in terms of doing
something that you committed to and following through.
How huge is that, especially nowadays?
Kat: Yeah.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Well, Tony, this is so wonderful.
Just talking to you about all these things.
I know we could go on and on and on and on and on and on.
Tony: Don't get us starting to talk about music or Pepperdine
because forget about it, man.
This will be like a 10 hour show.
Kat: Um, but if you were to kind of leave our audience with, uh, your idea of a
wildly wealthy life, What would that be?
Tony: I'm glad you got to this because I, I, yeah, I made some notes because I, I
love the name, the wildly wealthy life.
I just love that.
And this is a guy I'm pointing to myself for you people who are listening
without seeing that uh, that money was everything to me because we, we
were brought up with not having a lot.
And so the whole focus of my family was, you know, not having a lot of money.
That was that defined everything about us and me and my mindset.
So it took a lot to get out of that, like a lot, a lot.
And of course, it was my daughter, you know, talk about, you know, pivotal, they
call them nodal events in psychology.
Nodal events are those things that are like, Completely change your life, like
maybe not instantaneously, but definitely set you on a totally different path and
where you were and, you know, and that she did that for me and bringing her up.
So the wildly wealthy life, of course, you hear it from a lot of
people and it is what it is, right?
But the wealthy has zero to do with money.
You know, the, the, the money is a part of it, but the overall definition and
the concept is nothing to do with money.
It has to do with enrichment.
It has do with the joy.
It has to do with really figuring out why the heck that you're
here or why you want to be here.
And for me, the wildly wealthy life is a life unfolding in
alignment with my values.
If I can, if I can align my values and my foundation, my, you know, my,
my stoic value, you know, courage, discipline, justice, wisdom, you
know, accountability, all that stuff.
If I can align that with my actions consistently, which, hey,
you know, I'm like anybody else.
There's good days and bad days, right?
I mean, the older you get, the easier it gets from what I've figured out.
But the more I can do that, the, the more I feel in alignment and I feel as though
not only does that benefit me, but then I'm modeling it to people around me.
And I'm also that energy.
Is expressed.
And I think that energy is, is shown and it just creates more positive
energy in the universe because.
I believe in that stuff.
The second thing is, is that my goals also align with my values.
So if I have that and I'm aligned, then my goals that I'd set for
myself and for my family are going to align with that as well.
And, and almost take, almost pull me into the life that I want.
And the life that is, you know, that is wealthy, it's a wealthy life.
Um, a really important part about having a wildly wealthy life
is having a supportive tribe.
You cannot do anything on your own.
You can't.
I mean, you know, you really can't.
You have, you've got to have some support.
You've got to have that support.
So I think a tribe is insanely important.
And, uh, my family is my tribe.
My tribe.
You know, me and my, the little minions, all, all, all of us.
And then, um, the last but not least, and this goes back to the old psychology, I'm
a very, I'm a kind of a Maslow guy, the, the, you know, the hierarchy of needs.
So it's giving and giving to me is understanding and being
okay with all this inside now.
And now I can give it out.
And that's self actualization.
That's the top of the pyramid.
So if you can get to the point where you're cool and you're set and you're
all good and you're not worried about your own stuff and, you know,
blindsided by that and you can, you know, see through the clouds and help
people out and share not only share tangible things, but share your energy.
That's giving.
And, you know, helping people out.
And so that those are the things to me that are exemplify a wildly wealthy life.
Kat: Wow.
That was all amazing.
so much.
We are so blessed to have you today.
Um, thank you for gracing our podcast with your presence and, uh, I'm
excited to share it with our audience.
Yeah, we, we basically had this podcast, Tony, um, back in 2020, we were really
talking about like financial freedom in the podcast before, but, but with a focus
on financial freedom, actually being tied to intentional generosity, which
is exactly what you just said, you know, at the very end there, which is really,
it's all about giving of yourself, right?
Because what, what does it do to you to have a worldly, wealthy
life when you All yourself
. Tony: Right, exactly.
And those people are the most miserable, right?
Kat: Yeah, absolutely.
Um, yeah, so it's just incredible to kind of change the angle a little bit.
And our angle now it's really talking about how can we instill early
foundational values into our kids so that they can have a wildly wealthy life.
Tony: I love it.
I think it's a great idea for show.
Yeah.
Thank
Kat: you so much.
Yeah.
Where can people find you?
Tony: I have, uh, the confidence doc.
com is the website.
I've got a brand new masterclass out.
It's an hour.
It's a taped hour thing that I did.
And it's basically like two sessions put into one and it's all about
toxic relationships for women.
It's about recognizing if you're in a toxic relationship or if you already
know, which, you know, most women are insanely intuitive and they already
know they're in a toxic relationship.
It's about how to get out.
It's about steps to take and able to get out.
So I have that.
And that's at the confidence doc dot store.
S T O R E.
Kat: Nice.
Awesome.
And we'll also put it in the show links for sure.
Tony: Perfect.
Yeah.
So those are the only, those are the two places.
Then I'm on, you know, I'm on my podcast and she talks confidence and, um, that's
on YouTube and all the podcast platforms.
Yep.
Kat: Amazing.
Well, thank you, Tony.
Tony: Oh, thank you.
This was great.
Kat: All right, friends, that's a wrap on today's episode of Wildly Wealthy Life.
We hope you're feeling fired up and ready to take on the world with
your brilliant mind and brave heart.
Lee: If you love this episode, make sure you hit that subscribe button on YouTube
or your favorite podcast platform.
It helps us keep bringing you the good stuff.
Kat: And hey, while you're at it, drop us a rating or review.
It takes like what?
30 seconds and it makes a huge difference for us.
Lee: Also, if you know someone who could use a little guidance on growth,
mindset, leadership and creativity, share this episode with them.
Sometimes that one conversation can spark up a whole new direction.
Kat: Thanks for hanging out with us today.
Go out there, live wildly, be wealthy in all the ways that matter to you.
And we'll catch you on the next one.