and welcome back to this week's episode of the Wedding Lounge podcast. Today we're going to
talk about the roles of bridesmaids and made of honour. I've got a bit of a, I know she does
listen, my mother in law listens, but I remember I was not a bridesmaid ever before getting married
myself. And the first time I got asked via bridesmaid, I remember her saying to me, she's just like,
"Wow, you can't be a bridesmaid now because you're married." Via bridesmaid, because I'm married,
and obviously very traditional now, it was a failure. Wow, not so much. I saw as a metron,
and I was like, "No, I'm a bridesmaid." I will. Yeah, bridesmaid, day in my life. It's technically
made of honor as an unmarried one and a matron of honor as a married one. Married one, yeah,
exactly that. You didn't have married her son so young if you knew that you wouldn't be able to
marry Bridesmaid. That's what she didn't tell you beforehand. No, it's so important to me. But I think
the role of a bridesmaid in a made of honor changes quite a lot, and I think it depends on how much
you rely on that person. I think you've got to pick those people quite strategically. Like,
it's all one of good picking your best mate, but is that the most sensible person to actually
choose to fulfill a role if you need the support? Definitely. I think you've got really got to
consider that, because it's not just about standing next to you and being in a pretty dress,
like how I'm punching outfit, sort of the other bridesmaid. There's the prep and the lead up to the
wedding, and it does depend on the bride, how much she needs to rely on them. I did rely on my bridesmaid,
but I don't think it's heavily as some people, because I'm not organized. No, I don't mean that. I don't
think I've really relied on... I mean, obviously I relied on them to think about things, but I
didn't rely on them to do jobs. But the bridesmaid and a made of honor, or bridesmaid and made of
honor, they would usually, in the lead up, they'd probably tend to dress fittings, dress fitting,
like triangle and sessions. I would advise a small number, but... Yeah, I think that's the same.
Another thing, so not necessarily everyone. Hendo. That's one of the biggest things that they help
organise the Hendo. They organise the Hendo. Unless you're a bit of a control for it. Did you organise
the Hendo? I did organise the Hendo before, I think, because one of my bridesmaid had just had a
baby. So she had a baby in April, my hench is in the July, so all the organisation was happening,
well, she was at home the newborn, and my other bridesmaid lived in Wales, which is a different country,
but, you know, the far end of Britain, to where we are. So it just wasn't practical, and I was
dealing with some sort of politics on Jamie's side of the family that I just felt was easier for
me to deal with being involved. Yeah, it caused me a lot of stress, but I didn't want that stress to go
to my friends in the situation that I was in. So I did, I did probably not really rely on my bridesmaids
at all, for like practical, like, organising things. They did do bits on Hendo, like I organised it,
the accommodation stuff left the group, and they organised some fun things, like they did some
surprises for me and stuff, which was... Yeah. But, you know, I got the ball rolling, because I just
didn't want them to have to deal with that stress. Yeah, but at the same time, like, obviously you
in that situation is very unique, but it should be an occasion that's there to celebrate you,
that it's one thing you shouldn't have to stress about when you're stressing about all the wedding,
and I do feel like those people that you surround yourself with, you're tribe, essentially,
yeah, should be the ones that you can lean on and rely on and ask to do things. So you need to think
about that really carefully when you're choosing them, to make sure you are choosing people
that will be a support to you. Yeah. I'm not going to cause you more stress because they don't like
the dress or they don't like the hair or they don't like something else. Like, that's not part of it.
You know, they should be the one standing by your side. Yeah. Because you want them there. Yeah.
And you need their support and you need their help. Yeah. Rather than it necessarily being
because they're your closest friends. Yeah. And they should be. Yeah, I don't think we've talked
about wedding parties before and you shouldn't think that you're so and so should be in my bride or
wife because you don't need to worry about offending people. No, you just do you. Exactly. But there's
the balance isn't there between having people who obviously are going to be practical and helpful
and like an emotional support for you as well as people who enjoy their company and stuff.
And I think that comes down mainly like the main role where you've got to think about them being
sort of practical is with organising a henry. Yeah. You know, most other stuff most people can do.
Yeah. Yeah. And those saying that I was assisting at a wedding recently and the bridesmaid hadn't
met each other before. They turns up at the wedding. One bridesmaid was two minutes late. So
like the bride was like sort of waiting outside because the bridesmaid hadn't turned up to the
London venue yet. And it all seemed very it's jointed. Whereas I do feel like, you know, you
went in bridesmaids to mingle before. Yeah. And then it should be like that's what you spend your time
with the one in getting ready and things like that. I think through the course of the day as well,
your bridesmaid should be the ones looking out for you. 100%. Making sure you've eaten, making sure
you've got a drink in your hand, making sure you're having a nice time. Yeah. And that you're not the
one people are coming to. If you haven't got that person there who is the coordinator organiser,
then you need to that's where your bridal party come into play. Yes. They are the ones that should
be going and checking that everything's okay. You know, the band arrives or something goes on with the
band. They can come to one of your bridesmaids instead of coming to you. Like that's the kind of thing
you need to be able to rely on these people. Helping gather people with photographs, you know,
everything like that. Obviously making sure your dress is okay. Yeah. You haven't got a twig stuck in
your hair or, you know, carrying your face. Yeah. Things like that. There's loads of practical things
that bridesmaids do. And I think just sort of stepping back ever so slightly, what you were saying
about looking ready together, but your bridesmaids are there. They're like hiked crew on the morning
of your wedding. Yeah. They're there, start the celebrations, make it all about you. Yeah.
Just be there to all you have ever enjoyed any part of a wedding as much as I have the morning.
And they're getting ready like that. Although the whole wedding day, my whole wedding day felt
special to me and it just, there is something special about that time in the morning with your friends.
Yeah. And it was the same when I was a bridesmaid for my friend, like that time in the morning was so
special on the wedding days as well. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a really nice thing to be a part of.
You're also there to be the one to get guests together. Yes. And we got sat on a table with no one
we knew at all. And it was kind of like us down to bring these people together. Yeah. Because,
you know, we're part of the bridal parts. Yeah. Yeah. We're there with other friends who are
there nearest and dearest, but don't necessarily know each other and you're kind of like thrown into
situation. Yeah. You've got to sort of help keep the party and keep the help, keep the other guests
and join the experience as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's that's interesting to think about
sort of how it's not just stand there looking pretty in a dress like there are things to help with
the whole wedding. Yeah. I mean, obviously, depending on how you're doing it, walking down the aisle.
Yeah. Be either fluffing a dress, grabbing your bouquet at the end, holding it during the ceremony.
Often, I don't know about you, but I get bridal part of your groom's men to hand out confetti.
Yeah. The aisle, so there'll be jobs like that. They'll be making sure that your
Jews have come back from the church or, you know, or something if you had something in the car with you
that that, you know, you're looking out for you really. Because you're not going to be as you say,
hold it both. No, you don't want to be thinking about any of those things. You want other people
around you to be thinking about those things before you. Yeah. Before you've even had to think about
it, essentially, definitely. Well, that's essentially what your wedding planner is. Is it someone
that you're planning to do that on your wedding days, and it's like, we're there thinking of everything
before it needs to be thought about so that nothing gets worried. That's how I came up with the name
for my full plan. I know. It's the unofficial bridesmaid because I've seen something in the
states where the lady in the state, she was a secret bridesmaid planner. So she would go incognito.
So there'd be some story made up that like, well, the bride was traveling in Cambodia when she was
20, like she'd met this person. Then how you go about convincing people, because especially
of social media nowadays and everything, like it would be weird that I'd never mentioned someone
called like Sarah before or something. But then she goes incognito. So she's there being like the
super organized bridesmaid, but she's a wedding planner. But if someone wants to pay for me to be
stirred in the dress, have my hair make up and run the day, I'm all up for that, like seriously.
But that's why I went for the unofficial bridesmaid. Because you know, I think when you're full
planning, you're there just to support with whatever's needed. That's exactly what I'm
not in the dresses. And like you said earlier, there you'll hype crew, but not necessarily just your
hype crew on the morning. No, there you'll hype through through the whole process. When you are
getting married, all you want to do is talk about, well, not everyone, 90% of people, more so brides,
because they tend to be the ones that do the majority of the organisation. Not all the time,
but they want someone to talk to you. Yeah. And your bridesmaids should be the ones that they're
willing to listen. Yeah. Like that time should feel fairly centred around you. Like you should be able
to talk about those things and have those moments with someone. And it's tricky with life, because
everyone else has their own life going on around it. Yeah. But finding that person here, you can just
have all those conversations with, have someone to bounce the ideas off. Mone about things.
Mone about things. Like make suggestions and say, is this a stupid crazy idea? And you're
bridesmaid going, yes, or your bridesmaid going, no. Yeah. You want someone honest? Yes. That's not
going to tackles for that. And that might not be your best mate that you've had since you were five.
No. But you can find another role for them that means just as much, if they're going to cause you
stresses of bridesmaid, because something's not exactly right for them. It's not worth having them on
your bridesmaid. No, you don't want someone who's going to add more stress. You absolutely do not.
I ended up with Colesaw's like this weird rash on my face, very stressed of a bridesmaid.
The bridesmaid, she was my wife. Oh, she caused you the stress when you had it.
So you meant when you were bridesmaid, you were so stressed. Oh, no, because she just kept
like it was all about her and I was just like, this isn't how it's supposed to be. It was the one
this is the one time it's about you. I'm afraid like the bridesmaid. One stressful thing I had was
the questions and thoughts around her. Yeah, which was awful. I'm really bad, but you know, and I was
just like, "Oh, what do I do in this situation?" Yeah, it was rubbish anyway, but on the day it was fine,
and I didn't actually see you hear much from her all the days. Yeah, it wasn't too bad, but yeah,
that was the one thing I found stressful about planning my wedding was one of my bridesmaids.
You don't need that. No, you 100% do not need that. They should be there reducing the stress for
you. Yeah, dealing with awkward people, things like that, you know, helping you change into your second
outfit on the day, going to grab your jacket, bringing your lipstick to the bathroom so they can
talking, you know, all those sorts of things, they should be there for you, holding your dress,
we're going to the Lou, like anything like that. They shouldn't be adding stress to your day. No,
they are the people that should be 100% there for you. And if that means, you almost have to create
a job description for them. You're on board with this or not, I can't decide if you're looking
on like a limited color. I mean, you love a job description, because didn't Chris's ashes get
some job description. Of course, they did, on day, they all got them. I was gay, but I laid back
to my thing. I invited in a colour for them. Yes, I had 13 different colours. Oh my goodness.
But you could say like, right, I'd love you to be my bridesmaid, but what I need help with is
X, Y, Z. Can you do that? Which is, you don't want to just say, oh, will you be my bridesmaid
where I'm pretty dressed and walk up the aisle with me? That's literally what I did. But that's what most
people think. I was actually, you want to be able to rely on these people. So think about it before
you ask them all. I don't think I went into that much thought. No, I didn't either. I think I'd
think about it more now. Yeah. And having seen some of the parties as well, like it actually is
worth considering. I mean, this is not saying that the bridesmaid I chose were not up for the job,
like mine were. But I just didn't like my friends. Yeah. But and that's how people go into it.
Yeah, they're best friends. Yeah. And they pick that and yes, that's great. Don't get me wrong.
But also consider, have you got one friend who's always a bit wild enough on the left field?
Like, is she actually going to be any help on your way to go? Or are you just going to be making
sure she's not too pissed to walk up the aisle? Yeah, that is true. I mean, I don't have that situation,
but no, I can say yes. That's the kind of thing you need to think about. And like, here's that
going to be like, are they going to hype you up on the morning if you're wedding and make you feel
great? Yeah. Or are they going to be the person that brings down the morning because it's gone too far?
Yeah. That's how you need to look at it. And sometimes maybe it's worth not upsetting a friend.
Yeah. But there may be have a word with one of your other bridesmaids and just say, look,
when I make her your responsibility. Yeah, not very trusting of people in a show.
That's because I'm normally the one like her. No, joking, I'm obviously not especially not when it
comes to weddings. But I think I think I'm a pretty nice lady. The lunatic drowsy on the table,
they're like, I am that person, but I'm also very organised and very controlled. And like, when my
best makeup made her wedding could not have been more different from mine. Yeah. But I was on the end
of the phone. I asked her every question under the sun. She's amazing. And she knitted all her own flowers.
That is incredible. And it looked really, really cool. I couldn't picture it in my hair.
I'm not picturing it. I'm totally and utterly bananas. But the hair, it was something that was so
important to her. And she's massively into it. It was actually crocheted, not knitting. But yeah,
for her, that was what she wanted to do. And I was like, asking her, can I learn how to do it? So I can
help you. Is there anything I can do? Like, oh, but I'm not that. I do. I helped her stick them all
together. She let me help her do that. But like, I was there, yeah, willing to help. Then I was dancing
on the tables at two o'clock in the morning. So I did the dancing on the tables at two o'clock in the
morning. But I was there for her, I can tell that. Yeah. That's why I've not learned a new skill to
be bridesmaid. I'm gonna be absolutely honest. But like, when we spoke to Kelly about the different DIY
guys, the bridal parties all sit there and they craft together and things like that. Like,
that's the kind of people you want in your corner. Definitely. So what is the difference between
made of honour and bridesmaid? Oh, yeah, we kind of just discussed it as a rock. It's like chief
bridesmaid, really, isn't it? Uh, it's, I think that is the person who, it's like the shepherd.
Uh, the sheep. Yes. But like, that's the one that you want to be able to go to in any sort of
situation, any kind of like crisis, any moment. Yeah. They're the ones you want to have in your corner
looking out for you and making sure you've got, you know, that your dresses, that your prayer looks
right. You want someone who's going to think of all those things and someone who is going to be
honest with you. Like, your bridesmaids don't necessarily have to go to all those buildings and
stuff. Yeah. That made of honour. That's the person you want to do that. I mean, traditionally,
you had a maid or matron of honour and that was your one adult. Yeah. Like your lady waiting almost.
And then the bridesmaids were all children. Yes. Yeah. Have you had a maid of honour? Yes, I did.
And I was her maid of honour. Thank you. But we were 20. Yeah. Like, I don't think she had the first
she was brilliant. Like, there's a photo of her walking in the church behind me and the concentration
on her face looking at the back of my dress is the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. Like,
honestly, she wouldn't take her eyes off the bottom of it. I think she felt the pressure so much.
It was unreal to make sure it was looking better. Yeah. Yeah. But I had my mum. My mum and I did the
organising in my wedding and I had it all under control. Yeah. So I didn't need that person.
I think if I was doing it now, you'd rely on a friend so much more than you would. I think,
going by the criteria that you would now choose your bridal party, I think I would be number one choice.
Yeah, you would not. I mean, we've only been friends for a couple of years or whatever. I would be
number one choice because I would be the most innocent person I've ever seen. I do things that
are so important. And you don't realise until the fan that we don't really socialise together,
I would be out there. But you don't like, I use someone. Yeah. Calling grey. Yeah, to have
an official bridesmaid, wouldn't I? But, you know, like, you choose from your friends. You look at
your friends and then you go, right, who's going to flip the bill? Yeah. I didn't actually have a
maid of honour in the end, because I only had two adult bridesmaids. I just felt like, I don't think
there's really like, don't think a maid of honour or a chief bridesmaid is really a thing anymore.
I think people kind of want to, one of my brides has got two maid of honour this year.
And then what are they doing? Five bridesmaids. We are recording this a little bit for the wedding.
But I'm really not going to go out to the wedding. What are two maid of honour? That's basically giving
them a title because you want to make them think slightly more important than the rest of the
bridesmaids. That is, that's essentially what that is doing exactly. Which kind of feels a bit
silly. Yeah. It should have just had two bridesmaids and then the others could do something else.
Nice. Yeah. I only had two bridesmaids or I didn't have a maid of honour, but I guess my friend
Jess kind of took over that role because Neil was living in Wales. And although Jess had just had a
baby, she came to my dress fitting, actually, heavily pregnant. I'm going to found my dress and
came to fittings because we live about half an hour from each other. Yeah. But then at the time,
because Jess was with her baby, you don't want to leave him too many nights, understandable,
for the wedding. Neil came down from Wales a few days before, so she actually was there on the
Friday helping set her up. Yeah. And was very much hands-on, whereas Jess actually didn't come,
oh, we had dinner and she stayed with me, but we didn't, she didn't come to the venue until
the judge hurt herself. Yeah. And then like the venue the next day, whereas Neil had spent all day
with me. So they, we kind of had a cover between both of them, but it was just they was,
yeah, it was just obvious Jess was there. Other kind of people you want. 100%. Not just, yeah.
But then I guess I picked my friends because they're both like that, quantities.
I know you're saying about, like, would you have a disorganised friend, if I have disorganised friend?
I don't know if I have disorganised friend. I don't know if I have disorganised friend. Why do you?
Then it's like the least organised person in my life, I guess.
But he's become worse since he's been married. Yeah, they do that. Yeah.
Leponised in competence, I think. Yeah, I think you've got, you've obviously got
to have people that you like. Yeah. So as a part of your life, but yeah, you've got to think practically.
And I actually think this, maybe this is just about fair, but I actually think this is more important
when choosing a stag, like epsilon stag, when choosing your groomsman and your best man,
because I feel like best man going off slightly has to do a speech, like organising a stag.
And I feel like your friend who you go for points, if down the path, may not be the best person for that.
I do feel like as a man, that's maybe because I'm not being very polite about the rest of the men.
Whereas I'm with women most picked. What I was supposed to be able to do that, I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. I think some women can be as feral as some men.
Feral? Yeah. It's my favourite word at the minute. I think both sides. And some made of
honours make a speech. Yes, sure. That's far more common. A bit, yeah. I see what you mean.
The speech thing and the stag do. I don't know. I just feel like there's a bit more pressure
on men to pick the right, like the sensible person for the best man job. Yeah, but that doesn't mean
that your stag's aren't going to be as terribly behaved. No. And the most chaos.
But I just think there's a few things to think about, and it's mainly just who you like to be there,
because you like them. Yeah. And who also brings good qualities that you need in the lead up and
on your wedding day. Yeah, you just need to have a slight edge of practicality. Yeah, picking these
people. It's not, don't just go and willy nilly. And don't pick too many. Yeah. I know it's so hard
to narrow it down, but depending on how you're choosing to spend your budget as well. Yeah.
Like it would pay for some part of these people on the day as well. Like just keep that in mind.
Like if you're budget conscious, that's quite an area where you can make a saving.
Less flowers, less makeup, less hair, less dresses etc. Exactly. Let's see.
So just to recap, the role of the bridesmaids and the maid or patron of honor,
the maid of honor is normally just sort of that extra.
The sheep, the sheep, I think you know, is a really tough one for her to keep perfect.
And so like their job in the lead up is to support you through dress fittings, any decisions
getting involved in crafts, doing like helping, helping set up the week off then normally there if you
are okay. And then on the day, helping it to take you to the loop, looking after your lipstick,
they're there to help organize photos, move people around, maybe hand out confetti at the end of
church, the kind of roles, the organisation roles that just need to get done without you needing
to be in charge of. Exactly. So hopefully that's given you a bit more insight into what
bridesmaids and maid of honor meant to do on a wedding day. Evie, what would be your top tip when
thinking about your bridal party and how to make it cost effective? I think cost effective would
definitely just be, have fewer people. Simple, just have fewer people. Yeah, just because you don't,
I mean in America, a lot of bridesmaids are made of one as they're expected to pay for things
themselves and it's different here in England. Yes. In England we tend to pay for at least something
if not everything and I think you've got to be really clear with your bridal party, what you're paying
for and what you're not and what the expectations are from the off. And if you want to pay for your
bridesmaids for things, then and your tight on budget then obviously just have fewer people.
But also I stick by the rule that if you want someone to wear something specific on your wedding
day, you have to buy it. Yes. So if I'm going to say you have to wear this gold dress, this gold
shoes and have this bracelet, then I need to pay for that for you. Or if I'm going to say you have
to have your hair done, but I have to pay for it. A lot of people say, you know, we'll buy the dress
wear a shoe like a nude shoe. If you've got one that's fine, if you need to buy something new,
that's fine. Just wear what you want. Yeah, it will do hair if you want to do your own makeup.
That's fine. You know, I think just have the conversations that definitely to sort of budget
for your bridal party, especially in England where we do tend to pay towards them, and I would just
think reducing the numbers, you know, you can't have 10 bridesmaids and then go like £10 a person
to buy dress. Yeah, I was going to say like that's going to be at least £2,000 worth of like when
you've taken into account, okay? Yeah. Usually like 30 to £50. Yeah, yeah. Easily. Yeah.
Wear a makeup, all of that, you know, it's a lot of money and it's a big proportion of budget.
It is. It really is. Lovely. Well, make sure you're following, subscribing, downloading,
and... Oh, I've listened. And we'll see you on the next episode.