This is one of, if not the most listened to episode of my podcast since I began last September, and I decided that it would be a good one to replay and put back in front of you because it is something that people are really curious about and I think certainly those of you in long term relationships, or maybe some of you in short term, or people who are just out there dating want to try something different.

I give you a rundown on what actually non monogamy is and how you might introduce it extremely high level.

If you have any questions, you're more curious or there are things you want me to explore even deeper, please go to my website and check out the form that allows you to ask me a question and I will address it anonymously on the air.

So grab your favorite drink, put me on speaker, and enjoy this replay of can non monogamy save your marriage?

Welcome to the taboo to Truth podcast, unapologetic conversations about sexuality in midlife.

I'm your hostess, Karen Bigman, certified life and menopause coach and sexual explorer, your trusted guide through the realms of dry vaginas, hot flashes, and the enigmatic orgasm journey.

I'm here to bring the often quiet into the light to create a safe space where no question is too awkward or taboo.

Whether you're experiencing changes in libido, concerned about navigating your menopausal life, or simply seeking to understand your body better, we are going to share this journey and it will be brave and open hearted.

And yes, it's okay to talk about it.

And yes, it's okay to ask.

So grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.

Today I'd like to talk to you about non monogamy as a possible paradigm for a relationship that is different from marriage or single partnered relationship, but could be something that will save your long term relationship.

Now, it can also destroy your long term relationship if it's not done properly or if it doesn't work for one of the parties.

But it is something to entertain, and it is something that has intrigued me a little bit as I've done some of the research and learned a little bit more.

I do think there is something to be said here for considering a different paradigm for your marriage.

Monogamy, as we well see, does not work.

Over 50% of first marriages end in divorce, over 60% of second, over 70% of third.

So the monogamy model is a tough one to adhere to.

Now, many religious teachings say that this is the way it's supposed to be or those are the beliefs of many people who are very religious, and it's completely understandable.

But actually, marriage was not, or single partner relationship was not always the norm.

It was something that became the norm over time as the roles of women changed.

And that actually goes back all the way to the agricultural age, where women went from being the person who took care of the family, who foraged, who also bore the children and may have had many mates, to being the primary caregiver for the children and the household when the plow was developed.

So men, because men had the body strength, they were out in the fields, and the women went into the home.

And that actually became the slow unraveling of the matriarchy to the patriarchy, or whatever you want to call it, or label it.

But basically, that was the beginning of the shift of women's role and women's place, being in the home versus being part of a different paradigm.

So let's leave that aside.

Time passes, and eventually marriage contracts get put into place as a way of securing a dowry or financial security for the man, and also to make sure that there'd be a single mother for the male partner's children.

And it was a contract that became very stringent over time.

And it was also created as a contract when we weren't living as long.

So perhaps you were embarking on a relationship with your husband, but you were only going to live to 40.

So if you had 20 years with the person, it might have been easier than it is today.

I am not espousing one way or another.

I have my personal beliefs.

But I'm going to just let you know how this new paradigm that is emerging and becoming more common is actually becoming part of the way that relationships are starting to go, particularly for those that are a little bit younger.

They're wondering, why do I have to stay in a relationship with just one person?

Why do I have to stick to my gender?

Why do I have to only pick a lane?

Either I'm straight, I'm gay, I'm bi, why can't I be fluid?

Why can't I do what I want as long as I am consenting and not hurting anyone?

And that is a bit of a different conversation.

But today I'm going to talk to you and explain to you what this idea of non monogamy is, how it can work, how it.

Why it may not.

And I've also got some interviews coming up with some really interesting couples and people who have entertained different lifestyles and are doing very well at it.

I'm not endorsing one way of being in a relationship or another.

I'm saying that there is room for different paradigms of relationships and consensual non monogamy.

And I'm going to leave out the word ethical because ethical implies that monogamy is ethical and anything outside of it is non ethical.

And let's just say that we may want to live a monogamous life with one partner for life, or we may want to open up in some form and I'll talk about the different forms in non monogamous relationship.

Or we might want to have relationship diversity.

Again, whatever term works for you doesn't really matter whether you decide that staying in a long term relationship is working for you, that's great.

If you decide you're in a long term relationship and you'd like to consider other options, that's what I'm here for.

Or maybe you are in one of those relationships and you're just not sure how to navigate it because it is very complicated.

It's very different than embarking on a long term marriage.

I will say that because you are doing, if you do non monogamy in a planful way, you're really negotiating a lot of the guidelines or rules, if you will, upfront, which is not something we do in marriage.

And perhaps we can take a lesson, whether or not we choose to open our relationships, it might be a good lesson to learn for those of us who do want to get in long term relationships that you may have an option to really negotiate these things upfront.

And it is a living, breathing negotiation or document because you may change your rules over time, but that's what happens in relationships.

And maybe your marriage would last, would be better if you did have those expectations set up front.

But again, the original reason that marriage was created was that the woman was to be owned by the man.

You were property.

They knew that the children belonged to him.

Expected to live that long.

I hope youre enjoying this episode of Taboo to truth.

Do you have any burning questions about sex in midlife menopause, dating after divorce, or exploring the spicier side of things like polyamory or kink?

I want to hear from you.

Head over to my website, taboototruth.com and fill out the form with your questions.

Ill answer them anonymously in upcoming episodes so you can get the scoop without revealing your identity.

It's like having a secret hotline to all your midlife sex questions.

Whatever it is, I am all ears.

So jump over to my website, tabudatruth.com and let's keep the conversation going.

Now back to the show.

Now let's go to modern times, and let's do from the research, basically what has been found is that the sparks typically fizzle anywhere from six months to three years after the initial relationship.

So in the beginning, everybody's gaga.

You're, you know, that, that, that mystery, all of that is great.

And then you bond, you get married or you commit or you live together.

And over time, you become sort of inter.

Whether it's independent, interdependent, codependent, hopefully not.

But your life is not as exciting anymore.

And where you may be very much in love with your partner, those sparks are probably a little bit harder to come by in the way they were early in your relationship.

Also, when you get married, you may feel very tied to someone, and you may feel that you're fated to be together, but then you're stuck in that relationship.

There are a lot of relationships, certainly ones that have been going on for 20 plus years or however long, let's call it whatever you determine or define, long as where the intimacy has basically fizzled, you're living as roommates, and oftentimes it leads to cheating.

So when you're married or when you're in a committed relationship and you have any sort of extramarital or extra out of the partnership sexual relationship with someone, it becomes cheating.

So what if there's a way that you can remain in a partnership with somebody?

Perhaps you still love them, and you may even be in love with them, but you really don't want to be intimate with them.

Or perhaps you've kind of played out your relationship in every way that you can, and you might want to change it up a little bit.

It could be that you have mismatched libidos.

One of you wants more sex than the other.

And by the way, that is not always going to be the man.

There are women who have just as strong libidos as men.

We just go about sex in a different way.

So I don't want this to always be the right of the man.

But there may be times when you can actually figure out something that works for both of you.

Now, don't balk and say, no matter how you slice it, he's cheating, she's cheating.

I could never do that.

And maybe you couldn't.

But there are ways that you can start to think about introducing new partners to your relationship.

Now, I want to start by busting the myth that says that everyone who opens a relationship is, by definition, kinky and going into dungeons and having all sorts of bdsm experiences.

While that is a possibility, that is a way to act out your sexual expression, that is not a way of being in a relationship.

So what I'm talking about here really is adding another partner or many partners or many relationships together.

You can also.

There are opportunities if you want to spice up the relationship.

There are other ways.

Introducing kink is one way, being voyeurs is another way.

Introducing different types of play another way.

Today we're going to talk about consensual non monogamy, and that is where you have a primary relationship.

In this case, I'm just going to use example.

You are married or living with somebody who has been your partner for some extended period of time, and you decide that you want to introduce others into the relationship.

Secondary partner.

There are different ways to do that.

You have a primary relationship and then secondary partners.

Swinging is when you introduce one or more couples and you swap.

Now, that may be something you do privately, it may be something that you do at parties.

It may be you have one couple that you date together.

There are many ways to do that.

You can also vary it up.

Go to parties, have some couples that you swing with.

Typically at the end of the night, you go home with your primary partner.

You may bring in an extra play partner.

So that is a third party that maybe you have one person in particular, whether it's bringing in another woman to the mix, or it's bringing another man into the mix, and you just.

Or you change it up so you can create love relationships which are polyamorous.

So that would be when you have multiple partners and you're all on just about equal footing in terms of love and relationships and sharing responsibilities.

And that probably is the hardest of all, because you're trying to maintain love relationships with several people.

And it can be very exciting because each person offers each other different pieces, or it can be very difficult where you start to compete for each other's love.

This is not something very simple that you want to jump into right away.

All these things, a very complex set of emotions associated with them.

The other term I'm just going to bring up, which was coined by Dan Savage, who is a journalist.

He calls it monogamish.

So he has a primary partner.

I believe they even have kids together, but they have an agreement that if they're out of town, if they're somewhere where the other one wants to have an extra relational experience, they have permission.

Sometimes the two of them together go and have group relationships.

All that at the end of the day they come home to each other and they're the primary relationship.

So those are the different paradigms that you can think about.

One is this primary relationship bringing in a secondary partner.

Another is swinging, where you introduce other couples.

A third is polyamory, where you are all in loving relationships together.

And it's not just the occasional hookup.

Then there's this monogamish.

You don't need to label it, you just need to understand that it is not as straightforward if marriage, one could consider marriage even straightforward, as embarking on a single partner relationship.

The next thing I'm going to say is that is really important.

This is super, super important.

If you and your spouse want to open the relationship, you want to make sure as you can that you guys are very secure together because it can put a very big strain on your marriage.

If you haven't thought this through, if you have, if you don't trust your partner, if you're being coerced into doing it for one partner wants it, the other one doesn't.

You really want to communicate and think these things through.

And if you think of different attachment styles where there's secure, avoidant and anxious.

If you have someone who has an anxious attachment style, which is someone like me, I would always be very anxious, wondering if that other person were prettier than me, better in bed than me.

If he offered, he may fall in love with him or her.

There are all kinds of things.

So you want to really understand yourselves and each other.

The other thing you want to do is you want to have a medical consultation.

Because no matter what, you introduce new partners into the mix, you could introduce the possibility of STI's.

That is really important.

And not all doctors will be open to your decision.

So you want to find an open minded doctor that is not going to judge you based on your choice, but is going to give you good medical advice on how to go about this safely.

The obvious one is condoms, but there are more layers to it in this case.

The next thing you want to do is you want to think about what are the guidelines by which the two of you are going to have this relationship.

Are you going to introduce one person for the two of you?

Are you both going to have separate relationships?

Are you going to indulge in group experiences?

Are you going to tell each other?

If you go on separate experiences, are you always going to be with each other in the same room?

When these experiences are going on, you really want to think about it.

You want to think about what are the different levels of play that you're going to be comfortable with.

And again, you only want to do what you both agree to.

And if anyone is uncomfortable, you have to also be ready to say, I'm not comfortable, and the other person needs to be ready to say, I understand, I love you and I want us to be good, so let's step back and figure out what makes us comfortable.

I just wanted to introduce you to these different styles and some of the things you want to think about if you do want to entertain the possibility of opening your long term relationship to other partners.

Thanks for joining me on the taboo to Truth podcast, where I'm spicing up midlife one episode at a time.

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And until next time, grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.