[00:00:00] Dr Renee White: Knowledge is power, and we are all about empowering the mamas of the world. In each episode, we will unravel and interpret the latest research and evidence-based practices for pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood. As mums and researchers ourselves, we have experienced firsthand the overwhelming complexity of information myths and those classic old wives tales. I'm Dr. Renee White, and this is the science of motherhood.

[00:00:30] Dr Renee White: Hello and welcome to episode 203. This is The Science of Motherhood. I'm your host, Dr. Renee White, and in today's episode, we are tackling how to protect your peace and set healthy boundaries during the holiday season as a new or expecting parent.

[00:00:51] Dr Renee White: Now I have to ask, have you ever felt your stomach tighten when you see another? Can't wait to hold the baby text in the family group chat. Maybe you are already dreading Aunt Jane's inevitable commentary on your feeding choices or you're lying awake at night wondering how to politely tell your mother-in-law that no, she cannot kiss your baby's face.

[00:01:19] Dr Renee White: If you are preparing for your first holiday season with a baby or bracing yourself for another one, and you're feeling that familiar mix of excitement and absolute dread. This episode is for you. Now, today I'm walking you through some practical, kind, but firm strategies for protecting your boundaries This silly season.

[00:01:41] Dr Renee White: You'll discover specific phrases that let you exit gatherings gracefully without guilt. Learn how to set up your home for easy departures and find out why no really is a complete sentence, and stick around for when I share the exact words to use when someone won't stop giving unsolicited advice. It's a game changer, I swear, and that will save your sanity at every family gathering.

[00:02:11] Dr Renee White: Now this episode is proudly supported by Fill Your Cup, Australia's first doula village. If you are pregnant, congratulations. If you have a new Bubbie. Oh, congratulations. How beautiful. We have birth and postpartum doulas ready to look after you, nurture you, nourish you all across Melbourne, Geelong, Sydney, Newcastle, Brisbane, gold Coast, Hobart, and Perth. Alright, let's dive into today's episode.

[00:02:42] Dr Renee White: You know, the holidays are supposed to be this magical time, twinkling lights, delicious food, family gathered around. And let's be honest, they can be magical. But if you're a mum, especially a new or expectant one, the holidays can also feel like running. A gauntlet, unsolicited advice coming at you from every direction.

[00:03:08] Dr Renee White: Now your baby being passed around like a parcel. Someone commenting on how you're feeding, how you're dressing them, whether they're sleeping enough, are they a good baby? And through it all, you're just trying to find a moment to breathe. I have been there. I get it. I really do. And here's what I want you to know right from the start.

[00:03:33] Dr Renee White: Ready. Protecting your boundaries during this season isn't selfish. There you go. There's your permission slip. It's essential mamas. So let's talk about how to do it first. First strategy keep your baby close. Now, one of the biggest challenges at family gatherings I've found is managing everyone's expectations around holding the baby.

[00:04:00] Dr Renee White: And let's be honest, everyone wants a turn, aunts, uncles, cousins, family, friends you haven't seen in years, and they all mean well. Okay, let's, let's be honest, we're not gonna throw them all under the bus, but you know what? If you are not comfortable, that's reason enough to say no. Again, another permission slip to you.

[00:04:21] Dr Renee White: Here's something I love recommending, baby wearing. It's such a gentle but firm way to keep your baby in your arms without having to explain yourself. Your baby gets the comfort and security of being close to you, and you get an easy, wordless way to decline those outstretched arms. You're not being difficult.

[00:04:43] Dr Renee White: You're being a mum and that's exactly what you should be. Now, one of my favorite things about baby wearing is that it also sends a really clear message without you having to say a word, like your baby is literally attached to you. It's the perfect and polite shield. I love it. Okay, strategy number two, handling unsolicited advice.

[00:05:08] Dr Renee White: Ugh. God, we've all been there, haven't we? Let's talk about that relative. We all have one. I can see you picturing yours in your brain right now. You know exactly who I mean. The one who always has an opinion about what your baby needs and how you should be doing things differently, and why you are making it harder than it needs to be.

[00:05:31] Dr Renee White: Yeah, we know that person. Look, let's be honest, they usually mean well, they're coming from a place of love, but that doesn't make it any less exhausting when you're on your third lecture about sleep training at the Christmas dinner table. Okay, so here is my go-to phrase and I want you to practice saying it in the mirror.

[00:05:55] Dr Renee White: Whatever you need to do to your best friend. Here we go. Ready? Thanks for sharing. I'll keep that in mind. That's it. Simple, polite. It acknowledges what they've said without inviting further debate. And here's the key. You don't own a, you don't owe anyone an explanation for your parenting choices. You really don't.

[00:06:18] Dr Renee White: You don't need to feel pressured to justify yourself and get drawn into an argument about whether breast is best or what your baby should, you know, be going to bed at what time. All you need to say is, thanks for sharing. I'll keep that in mind and then change the subject. Excuse yourself to check on the baby, or simply smile and walk away. You're allowed to do all of that okay.

[00:06:49] Dr Renee White: Alright. Strategy number three, setting up your space for success. Now, this is a big one. It's very undervalued. Let me share something that makes a huge difference how you set up your physical space during visits. This is one of those practical tips that seem small.

[00:07:07] Dr Renee White: Can really transform your experience. First, designate a specific visiting area in your home. Keep the action in your living areas and make bedrooms completely off limits. Now your bedroom, baby's nursery, these are sanctuary spaces. They're not part of the tour. They're not available for just peeking in to see where the baby sleeps when you keep visits contained to one or two rooms.

[00:07:37] Dr Renee White: You maintain that control. You know where everyone is. You have a private space to retreat you when you need to feed or change a nappy or just take a breath, babe. Like honestly and psychologically, it helps you feel, I guess, less invaded, less people in your space. So here are some other strategies that work brilliantly.

[00:07:59] Dr Renee White: Schedule visits between feedings when possible. This gives you a natural start and end time for visits. So like you could say things like, we'd love to see you between two and four, that's right after baby's feed and before the next feeding or, you know, plan shorter visits initially. You can always extend them if you have the energy.

[00:08:20] Dr Renee White: And it's much harder to cut a visit short once it's started. So think, you know, 45 minutes to an hour is perfectly reasonable for a first visit with a newborn. Now that's, if you're feeling up to it. If you wanna cut that down to 20 minutes, go, go for it, mama. I also want you to consider like porch or veranda visits for some people.

[00:08:42] Dr Renee White: Now, I know this might sound quite extreme, but for those relatives who you're less comfortable with, or for anyone who's recently been unwell, meeting outside or at the door is a legitimate option. Now you're protecting your baby's health and really no apologies needed okay. I would also recommend like a visitor calendar.

[00:09:04] Dr Renee White: Now this is brilliant for preventing overwhelm. So instead of saying yes to everyone whenever they want to come, you coordinate visits so there's breathing room between them. So for example, like, you know, you wanna be saying like, we'd love to see you. The 23rd works for us does 3:00 PM suit. So you dictate when they are coming.

[00:09:26] Dr Renee White: The fourth strategy is the art of the graceful exit. I love this. Now let's talk about something that makes so many new mums anxious. How to end a visit when you've reached your limit, because you will, you will reach your limit. Your body will start sending you signals, fatigue, overwhelm. That touched out feeling.

[00:09:47] Dr Renee White: You know what I'm talking about? You need to be able to respond to those signals without guilt. Now here are three fa phrases. Here are three phrases I want you to memorize. Practice them in the mirror. If you need to have them ready, put them in your phone so you can like have them on you. Phrase one. I hate to cut this short but my body's telling me I need to rest while baby is sleeping.

[00:10:13] Dr Renee White: Now this one is perfect because it's honest and it's about your needs, which are just as important as babies. You're not making excuses, you're listening to your body, which is exactly what you should be doing in those early months.

[00:10:26] Dr Renee White: Phrase twobaby's getting hungry and I'm still getting comfortable with feeding. So we need some privacy now. So whether you're breastfeeding or bottle feeding, this phrase works. It's clear, it's kind, sets a boundary around feeding times Phrase number three. I've really enjoyed seeing you, but I'm finding I get overwhelmed more easily than expected.

[00:10:49] Dr Renee White: I really need to start winding down. Now, I love this one because it's vulnerable and honest. It acknowledges that you're still adjusting, which is completely normal, and it gives you permission to end the visit on your terms. Now, the key with all of these is to say them warmly, but firmly. You're not asking permission.

[00:11:08] Dr Renee White: You're stating what needs to happen. I need to rest now. We need privacy. Now I need to wind down now and then, and, and this is important. You start moving toward the door. You stand up, you thank them for coming. You don't linger in the explanation phase because that invites negotiation. You're allowed to end visits. You're allowed to protect your energy okay.

[00:11:35] Dr Renee White: Strategy number two. Here's your holiday mantra, and I want you to say it with me. No is a complete sentence. You don't have to attend every gathering. You don't have to host if you don't want to. You don't have to stay for the entire event. You don't have to bring a plate if you're exhausted.

[00:11:53] Dr Renee White: You don't have to explain or justify your decisions at all. Can you make it to dinner on Christmas Eve? No, we are keeping it quiet this year. Are you hosting Boxing Day? No, not this year. Can we pop by tomorrow? No, that doesn't work for us. See how simple it's, and when you say no to something that doesn't serve you, you're saying yes to something that does, whether that's rest, time with your immediate family or simply, you know, space to breathe.

[00:12:24] Dr Renee White: Now before we wrap up, I wanna tell you about a free resource we've created that's going to make all of this so much easier. It's called the Holiday Baby Boundary Letter Template, and you can download it right now from our website under the resources section, www.ifillyourcup.com and you can see in the banner, resources. That's where you'll find the template.

[00:12:47] Dr Renee White: And here's the thing, sometimes the hardest part of setting the boundary isn't knowing what they are. It's finding the right words to communicate them, especially to family members who might not understand why you are being difficult or overprotective. This template is a pre-written letter that strikes the perfect balance between warmth and firmness.

[00:13:08] Dr Renee White: It helps you clarify your expectations around baby's care, like no kissing, minimal handling, respecting baby's comfort. Gives yourself permission to say no or cancel plans without guilt. Communicates your needs for flexibility around gatherings and overall, I really think it strengthens relationships by helping loved ones understand your perspective.

[00:13:31] Dr Renee White: Now, whether you're preparing for your first holiday season with a baby, or you're dreading another round of boundary pushing relatives, this letter gives you the exact words you need. You can personalize it for your family and send it out before the holiday. Chaos begins.

[00:13:51] Dr Renee White: So let's bring this all together. The holidays can be as calm as they are chaotic, and I know that sounds simplistic, but it's true. By setting clear boundaries, embracing your instincts, and letting go of guilt, you can create a season that feels as magical as it's supposed to be. Not just for everyone else, but for you too. So keep your baby close.

[00:14:15] Dr Renee White: If that's what feels right, shut down. Unsolicited advice with grace and set up your space strategically master the art of a graceful exit. And remember, no is a complete sentence and please, please find moments to care for yourself.

[00:14:31] Dr Renee White: Take a deep breath. Mama, you have got this. I am cheering you on every step of the way. And remember, if you need some extra support this season or really any season, fill your cap. Doulas are here for you and we are across all of Australia. Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Motherhood. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another parent who needs to hear it, and don't forget to grab that free holiday boundary letter template from our website. Alright, see you next episode.

[00:15:04] Dr Renee White: If you loved this episode, please hit the subscribe button and leave a review. If you know someone out there who would also love to listen to this episode, please hit the share button so they can benefit from it as well. You've just listened to another episode of The Science of Motherhood proudly presented by Fill Your Cup, Australia's first doula village.

[00:15:28] Dr Renee White: Head to our website I fill your cup.com to learn more about our birth and postpartum doula offerings where every mother we pledge to be the steady hand that guides you back to yourself. Ensuring you feel nurtured, informed, and empowered so you can fully embrace the joy of motherhood with confidence. Until next time, bye.