Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Hey, welcome back to the Mother Daughter Relationship show. It's your host, Brittany. Today we're talking about when you're trying to heal from your mother wound, but your siblings act like you're making it all up. you might be the one who sees the dysfunction clearly while your brother or sister. Defend your mom. Maybe you're carrying all the pain of what happened in your childhood while your sibling says, mom wasn't that bad. Or you could be the eldest daughter who bore the brunt of your mother's issues while your younger siblings had a completely different experience. If you've ever felt crazy, dramatic or alone because your siblings don't validate your experience with your mom, this episode is for you. Siblings can grow up in the same house with the same mother and have completely different relationships with her. I'll discuss some of the different reasons why this happens. Birth order does matter. The eldest child often gets a different version of the parent, maybe younger, more stressed, less experienced. Or the eldest can get parentified and has to take care of everyone else By the time your younger siblings come along, your mom might be more mature, more financially stable, or more emotionally regulated, or the opposite can actually be true. Your mom was more patient and present with you as the first child, and by the time your younger siblings came along, she was burnt out or checked out or just tired. Different children trigger different wounds in their mothers. Your mom might see herself in one child and project all her insecurities onto that kid. Another child might remind her of someone she loves or maybe someone she resents. These unconscious reactions create completely different experiences for each child. Gender plays a big role in this Have you heard of the Golden Child? Sons can have very different relationships with mothers than daughters do. Your brother might not have experienced the same criticism, competition, or enmeshment that you did as a daughter. Or if your mom had unresolved issues with men, maybe your brother got the worst of her pain while you were treated better. Personality differences matter here too. One child might be more sensitive and deeply affected by your mother's behaviors while another child has thicker skin, or simply doesn't internalize things in the same way. This doesn't mean one person's experience is more valid, it just means that the two people process this very differently. The child's role in the family system can make this experience different. Maybe you were the scapegoat or your sibling was the golden child, or you were the caretaker, or your sibling was allowed to just be a kid. These roles dramatically shape each person's experience and relationship with their mother. And lastly, maybe your mother changed over time. The mom who raised you might be very different from the mom who raised your younger sibling. Maybe she got therapy, got sober, worked through some of her issues, or maybe she got worse, more bitter, more depressed, more checked out. These will create different situations and experiences for each child Leading each of you to view your mother in completely different ways. As an eldest daughter myself, I'm gonna spend some more time here because this is real and it's often invisible to younger siblings. Eldest daughters often carry a unique burden in the families. You the one often parentified, taking care of younger siblings, managing your mother's emotions, being responsible for things that weren't your responsibility. maybe you were the Guinea pig, the first child, her first shot at this. Our mothers made their mistakes on us because we were first, we didn't get the benefit of a mother who had learned from experience and oftentimes the eldest daughter. Carries the weight of the family dysfunction because we're old enough to see it and feel it and feel responsible for fixing it. Younger siblings might have been protected from some of this because we absorbed it. Our younger siblings often don't see or remember what we went through because we them from it. Maybe you made sure that they were okay and now they don't understand why you are making such a big deal about mom, but it's because you made sure they didn't see it. It can be very isolating when you try to talk to your siblings about your mother and they defend her instead of supporting you. Maybe they say things like, mom wasn't that bad. You're being too sensitive. You need to let it go already. Mom did her best. You know, you're just being dramatic. Well, I don't remember it that way. All of those phrases can make you feel so crazy. Maybe you start questioning your own memories and experiences. You wonder if maybe you're being too harsh or hoarding on to things you should just let go of or release. Your siblings different experience doesn't invalidate yours. Their relationship with your mother is not the same as your relationship with her. You can both be telling the truth about two very completely different realities, and both of these truths are valid. Okay. I have the perspective that all behavior makes sense if you understand the context and the more you understand about behavior, the easier it is for you to process it and then know what to do with it. So with that, let's talk about why siblings might defend. Your mother when your experience with her was maybe the complete opposite of theirs, they may genuinely had a different experience. Maybe your mom really was better to them. This doesn't mean they're lying or that you're lying. It means you both experienced different versions of. They may not be ready to face it. Acknowledging that your mother caused harm requires a level of emotional work than not everyone is ready for. It's easier to defend her than to sit in the pain of accepting that she failed you. They may benefit from the current dynamic. If your sibling is still in mess with your mom still receiving financial support or still playing the role of the golden child, then they have something to lose by acknowledging the dysfunction and they may not wanna lose that. They might be afraid of losing her. Some people defend their mothers outta fear. If they validate your experience. They might have to set boundaries too, and they're not ready to risk losing that relationship. Maybe they genuinely don't remember if your sibling was significantly younger, they literally might not remember what you experienced. Their memories start from a different point in the family's timeline. And they might just be protecting themselves. Sometimes defending the parent is a defense mechanism. If they admit mom was harmful, then they actually have to face their own pain, and that might be way too overwhelming for them. when your siblings don't validate your experience, it can feel like a second betrayal. first, your mom hurt you, and now your siblings are telling you that it didn't happen or it wasn't that bad. This can be triggering, and it can trigger deep feelings of isolation, feeling like you're the only one who sees reality. It can trigger deep feelings of self-doubt, questioning your own memories and perceptions. It can trigger anger. Maybe anger at your siblings for their denial or their blindness, maybe anger at your mom for everything that she did. It can trigger grief for the sibling support you wish you had, and also the parent support that you wish you had and probably not receiving. And it can also trigger shame. I'm wondering if something's wrong with you for not being able to just get over it or to just let it go or not make it a big deal like they are. Please know that those feelings are valid. You know, this is painful. it hurts to not be believed by the people who were there, like they were literally in the same house, and they don't believe that this was your experience, or they don't trust that your emotions and your experience are real and valid. So here are some strategies to navigate this. If this is something that you are experiencing first, stop seeking validation from them. This is hard, but it's necessary. If your sibling isn't going to validate your experience, continuing to seek their validation will only hurt you more. You need to find validation elsewhere from a therapist, from friends who understand, from people who've had similar experiences. Number two, accept that you had different experiences. Your siblings experience is their truth and your experience is your truth. Both can be real. You don't need them to have the same experience for yours to be valid, and you guys also don't have to talk about them together. You can keep your siblings in your life and talk to someone else about this. Number three, set boundaries around the topic. If talking about your mom with your sibling consistently leaves you feeling invalidated or hurt, stop talking about it with them. Say something like, I know we see mom differently and that's okay. Let's not discuss this anymore, and then when they bring her up. I tell them again, I thought we agreed to not discuss this anymore because we see it differently. Let's just focus on our relationship. Number four, maybe you need to lower your expectations. Stop expecting your sibling to suddenly understand or validate you. They may never get there, and that's not your responsibility to change, and you don't have to be the one to help them heal. Number five, find your own people. Connect with others who understand mother wounds, whether it's through therapy, support groups, or online communities. You need people who get it. And if that's what you want to talk about, then you need people who are gonna understand that this is real and has happened. Some people may not even believe in a mother wound, so find the right people. Number six, grieve what you don't have. You might need to grieve the sibling relationship you wanted. One where you could process your childhood together and support each other's healing. Feel it. Let yourself get through it, grieve it, and then accept what you do have. Just because your sibling doesn't validate your mother wound, doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with them, but it does mean you need some boundaries. Focus on what you do. Share. Maybe you can't talk about your mom, but you can talk about your kids, your careers, your hobbies, your friends, Build your relationship on what does work, not what doesn't. Don't try to convince them. You're not gonna argue your siblings into seeing what you see. Save your energy. Put that use to something else more productive. Protect yourself during family gatherings. If you're both at events with your mom, have a plan for how you'll handle if your siblings sides with her or invalidates you publicly. You could also talk to them ahead of time that, Hey, I'm coming and I plan on being here. Let's not talk about our childhood or the past. Let's just make this gathering joyful. Be honest about your limits. Say something like, I love you, but I can't discuss mom with you, because we see things too differently and it hurts our relationship. Okay. And that maybe the relationship might be more distant and that's okay. Not all sibling relationships are close, and that doesn't make you a bad sibling. Sometimes our best friends are more like siblings than our siblings, and that's okay. If you're listening to this and you happen to be the sibling who didn't see it, and you had a good relationship with your mom while your sister struggled, just believe her. She isn't making it up. Your different experience doesn't mean hers didn't happen. Your mom can be both the loving mother you knew and the harmful mother your sister experienced. You don't have to fix it or even fully understand it, but you can validate it. You can say, I believe you had a different experience than I did. I'm sorry you went through that. That validation might be one of the most healing things you can offer your sister. You don't have to fix it. You don't have to figure out how to make her feel better. You don't even have to talk to your mom about it. Just validate her bottom line. You grew up in the same house, but you didn't have the same childhood. Your mother could be different people to different children, and because every child is different, your mom had to parent each child differently. That doesn't excuse that one child felt pain and maybe another didn't. But your sibling's denial or different experience doesn't make your pain less real. You don't need your sibling to validate your mother wound for it to be valid. You don't need them to see what you see for your healing to be legitimate. Your experience is yours. Your pain is real enough, and your healing matters. Whether you have support from a sibling or not, navigating different mother wound experiences with a sibling is one of the lonelier parts of the healing journey. You're not crazy. You're not dramatic, and you're not alone. If you're an eldest daughter, you're also not alone. There are many out there who carried the weight while their younger siblings were protected. There are thousands of scapegoat children whose golden child sibling still can't see the dysfunction and probably never will. There are thousands of women whose brothers just don't get it. You're in good company, even if it doesn't feel like it in your own family. That's all I have for today. If this resonated with you, I hope you were able to take something away. Don't put too much focus on getting your siblings to believe you or trust you. Just put that energy into your own healing and know that your relationship with them can still happen. You just don't have to talk about your mom. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.