1 00:00:00,149 --> 00:00:04,770 If you live in the UK in January 2026, you will not have been able 2 00:00:04,979 --> 00:00:07,440 to miss hearing about the Traitors. 3 00:00:07,740 --> 00:00:12,135 It's basically a psychology lab disguised as entertainment, And in case 4 00:00:12,135 --> 00:00:15,105 you've never seen the Traitors, it's basically a reality game show where 5 00:00:15,105 --> 00:00:16,845 a group of strangers live together. 6 00:00:17,145 --> 00:00:19,425 They compete to win a big cash prize. 7 00:00:19,425 --> 00:00:25,125 Now, most of them are faithfuls, but a few are secretly chosen as traitors, 8 00:00:25,305 --> 00:00:29,000 and the faithfuls are trying to work out who the traitors are and vote them out. 9 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:32,630 The traitors are trying to stay hidden whilst eliminating 10 00:00:32,750 --> 00:00:34,010 the faithfuls every night. 11 00:00:34,010 --> 00:00:38,000 Now, the faithfuls don't know if anybody is a traitor or a faithful. 12 00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:40,760 The traitors know exactly who everybody is. 13 00:00:40,820 --> 00:00:44,870 So the whole thing becomes a very, very high pressure social experiment where 14 00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:49,040 everybody's watching everybody else, trying to read motives, trying to decide 15 00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:53,990 who to trust and make these calls back, who they're gonna eliminate and vote out 16 00:00:53,990 --> 00:00:56,660 based on very little actual evidence. 17 00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,560 And I think the reason it's been so popular is that we can see 18 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:05,990 ourselves in so much of it, and the behavior is absolutely fascinating. 19 00:01:05,990 --> 00:01:09,530 Now, there was somebody in the Traitors called Harriet, and she 20 00:01:09,530 --> 00:01:13,520 gives us a perfect example of assumptions, and I wanna talk about 21 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:15,800 assumptions in this quick dip episode. 22 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:19,790 Now, Harriet, very intelligent woman, she was a barrister, she was 23 00:01:19,790 --> 00:01:25,130 a crime fiction author, and she had a hunch about who the traders were. 24 00:01:25,130 --> 00:01:27,030 Now, bits of it were spot on. 25 00:01:27,030 --> 00:01:31,680 Bits of it were right, but she kept describing her hunch as hard evidence 26 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,360 when actually it wasn't evidence at all. 27 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:34,800 It was intuition. 28 00:01:34,830 --> 00:01:35,460 It was a hunch. 29 00:01:35,490 --> 00:01:37,020 It was her interpretation. 30 00:01:37,020 --> 00:01:40,800 It was the way somebody was behaving or the vibe or the sort 31 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,020 of slight pattern that I'm seeing, 32 00:01:43,422 --> 00:01:46,864 And as soon as she believed that her thoughts were facts, she 33 00:01:46,864 --> 00:01:48,514 started doing what all humans do. 34 00:01:48,514 --> 00:01:51,874 She went around looking for confirmation that she was right. 35 00:01:51,874 --> 00:01:54,574 So she filtered everything she saw through that lens, and she 36 00:01:54,574 --> 00:01:57,124 got more and more convinced. 37 00:01:57,424 --> 00:02:00,964 And then what happens was that she'd got more and more angry when 38 00:02:00,964 --> 00:02:02,554 other people just couldn't see it. 39 00:02:02,554 --> 00:02:06,484 Now she was convinced she was being rational and reasonable. 40 00:02:06,484 --> 00:02:11,734 She was convinced that she was thinking with logic, not with her emotions, but 41 00:02:12,004 --> 00:02:15,394 in actual fact she was thinking entirely with her emotions, getting more and 42 00:02:15,394 --> 00:02:20,704 more angry, and the anger just made her less and less believable, even though 43 00:02:20,704 --> 00:02:22,919 she was actually partially, right. 44 00:02:23,429 --> 00:02:26,789 So then everyone else made assumptions about her because she was getting angry. 45 00:02:26,789 --> 00:02:28,469 They thought, well, she must be a traitor. 46 00:02:28,469 --> 00:02:29,849 She got voted out. 47 00:02:30,149 --> 00:02:32,669 And as I watched it, I was thinking, oh my goodness. 48 00:02:32,669 --> 00:02:36,555 This is exactly what happens in teams under pressure, particularly in high 49 00:02:36,555 --> 00:02:39,285 stress, high stakes jobs like medicine. 50 00:02:40,987 --> 00:02:45,667 This is a You Are Not a Frog quick dip, a tiny taster of the kinds of things we 51 00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:48,337 talk about on our full podcast episodes. 52 00:02:48,637 --> 00:02:51,967 I've chosen today's topic to give you a helpful boost in the time it 53 00:02:51,967 --> 00:02:55,357 takes to have a cup of tea so you can return to whatever else you're 54 00:02:55,357 --> 00:02:57,727 up to feeling energized and inspired. 55 00:02:58,297 --> 00:03:02,107 For more tools, tips, and insights to help you thrive at work, don't 56 00:03:02,107 --> 00:03:06,067 forget to subscribe to You Are Not a Frog wherever you get your podcasts. 57 00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:11,518 In healthcare, assumptions, they just feel sensible for us. 58 00:03:11,848 --> 00:03:16,678 And the norm for most of us is, well, you trust your judgment, you trust your 59 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:21,246 instincts, you need to act quickly and you do need to decide under uncertainty. 60 00:03:21,246 --> 00:03:24,444 Because quite a lot of the time you don't have the luxury for waiting 61 00:03:24,444 --> 00:03:26,694 for absolutely perfect information. 62 00:03:26,964 --> 00:03:31,134 And a lot of us have been trained to use our clinical judgment, to use 63 00:03:31,224 --> 00:03:35,604 our intuition to, to apply pattern recognition and problem solving 64 00:03:35,604 --> 00:03:39,924 to things rather than absolutely interrogating the data of stuff. 65 00:03:40,074 --> 00:03:43,404 And in fact, a huge part of medical training is being trained to 66 00:03:43,404 --> 00:03:47,634 be comfortable making decisions when we are not fully sure. 67 00:03:47,754 --> 00:03:51,404 So we might make a working diagnosis and then test it as we go along, 68 00:03:51,734 --> 00:03:56,024 watching and waiting, just seeing, well, let's do this and see what happens. 69 00:03:56,024 --> 00:04:01,914 So we act and then we reassess, we fit things to patterns, and most of the 70 00:04:01,914 --> 00:04:06,744 time that's exactly the right skill that we need because waiting for all 71 00:04:06,744 --> 00:04:11,064 the absolute concrete evidence before we do anything could be too late. 72 00:04:11,624 --> 00:04:15,314 And so what happens is that we have a thought about something 73 00:04:15,314 --> 00:04:16,874 and then we believe it to be true. 74 00:04:16,968 --> 00:04:19,086 We believe it as a fact. 75 00:04:19,512 --> 00:04:20,622 But here's the challenge. 76 00:04:21,132 --> 00:04:26,292 Outside of medicine and perhaps inside as well, a lot of what we call evidence is 77 00:04:26,292 --> 00:04:32,202 actually, well, a story or a pattern, or a good guess or an interpretation, perhaps 78 00:04:32,202 --> 00:04:37,242 we've been mind reading other people, or we are just really worried about the risk, 79 00:04:37,542 --> 00:04:39,462 and so we default to the worst thing. 80 00:04:40,122 --> 00:04:43,692 So even in clinical medicine, what we call hard facts often aren't quite as 81 00:04:43,692 --> 00:04:48,252 hard as we want them to be, because real life is just full of incomplete patient 82 00:04:48,252 --> 00:04:53,772 histories and mixed messages and missing information, and sometimes uncertainty, 83 00:04:53,772 --> 00:04:55,752 which is disguised as confidence. 84 00:04:55,812 --> 00:05:00,162 And the problem is we apply these things that we use in clinical decision making 85 00:05:00,702 --> 00:05:05,712 into decision making about people's motivation and about team dynamics. 86 00:05:05,862 --> 00:05:09,732 And here the evidence gets even softer and we end up making a lot of 87 00:05:09,822 --> 00:05:14,082 assumptions, even though your brain is telling you, well, this is much 88 00:05:14,082 --> 00:05:16,152 more certain, we know this is true. 89 00:05:16,452 --> 00:05:19,662 That person has been acting weirdly towards you. 90 00:05:19,712 --> 00:05:22,952 And this is definitely the reason why we like certainty. 91 00:05:22,952 --> 00:05:25,742 Certainty feels safe, but that is the trap. 92 00:05:26,042 --> 00:05:29,722 Because in medicine, we might assume something 'cause we need to have a working 93 00:05:29,722 --> 00:05:34,102 diagnosis, but we do think about the differential diagnosis and we then search 94 00:05:34,102 --> 00:05:36,172 for evidence to confirm it or deny it. 95 00:05:36,472 --> 00:05:41,062 But when it comes to sort of human behavior, teamwork, conversations, 96 00:05:41,302 --> 00:05:47,092 difficult people, assumptions aren't just a way of diagnosing, they're not harmless. 97 00:05:47,752 --> 00:05:52,132 They create stress, they create anger and pressure because they actually add 98 00:05:52,132 --> 00:05:55,192 so much more emotional load to your day. 99 00:05:55,762 --> 00:05:58,882 So you're not just managing your workload, you're managing the story 100 00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:02,332 about the workload, you're managing the stories about what you think 101 00:06:02,332 --> 00:06:06,022 your colleagues think, what they meant, what that person intended. 102 00:06:06,022 --> 00:06:07,702 It's absolutely exhausting. 103 00:06:08,002 --> 00:06:11,782 And in healthcare assumptions can particularly harm us because 104 00:06:11,782 --> 00:06:13,972 we do tend to assume the worst. 105 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,304 We are trained to, to look for the most dangerous situation 106 00:06:17,304 --> 00:06:19,044 so that it doesn't happen. 107 00:06:19,524 --> 00:06:21,894 We often think things are very personal. 108 00:06:22,134 --> 00:06:25,464 We often think that we've done something wrong and blame ourselves 109 00:06:25,464 --> 00:06:27,264 and think we might be in trouble. 110 00:06:27,384 --> 00:06:30,654 We often, often feel that everything is just our 111 00:06:30,774 --> 00:06:32,544 responsibility, even when it's not. 112 00:06:32,544 --> 00:06:36,324 So we take the default responsibility and we assume that something bad is 113 00:06:36,324 --> 00:06:39,204 gonna happen unless we personally fix it. 114 00:06:39,714 --> 00:06:41,634 And I know this is one thing that. 115 00:06:41,849 --> 00:06:43,439 I take on myself a lot. 116 00:06:43,439 --> 00:06:49,109 If somebody else is upset, I assume that I must have done something, or maybe I 117 00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:53,099 have caused harm to them by a thoughtless comment or something like that. 118 00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:56,536 And then what happens is we get defensive, We get defensive 'cause 119 00:06:56,536 --> 00:07:02,026 we're already feeling bad and so our amygdala is already in threat detection 120 00:07:02,026 --> 00:07:04,786 mode and we respond badly to people. 121 00:07:04,887 --> 00:07:08,727 So over explaining, over apologizing, over helping in order 122 00:07:08,727 --> 00:07:10,467 to sort of mitigate this risk. 123 00:07:10,917 --> 00:07:14,697 Or we start rescuing people or we take responsibility that just isn't ours. 124 00:07:14,697 --> 00:07:17,307 And often we act outside our zone of power. 125 00:07:17,346 --> 00:07:20,371 We try and change stuff, we just have no control over. 126 00:07:20,371 --> 00:07:22,771 And then we wonder why we're so exhausted. 127 00:07:23,221 --> 00:07:28,321 So in the Traitor's reality TV show, assumptions just don't work. 128 00:07:28,496 --> 00:07:30,700 They need hard evidence. 129 00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:33,043 And that is true for us as well in our lives. 130 00:07:33,193 --> 00:07:37,432 Because here you have two different roads you could go down so when 131 00:07:37,432 --> 00:07:41,841 something happens at work, so maybe a comment or a tone of voice, a, a 132 00:07:41,841 --> 00:07:45,741 look, a decision or email, even just an email, you can go one of two ways. 133 00:07:46,071 --> 00:07:50,451 Path one, you can assume something, you can believe you assumptions, you 134 00:07:50,451 --> 00:07:54,201 can believe your thoughts, you can be certain about them, and you can react. 135 00:07:54,231 --> 00:07:57,891 You can decide what it meant, you can decide what their intention was. 136 00:07:57,910 --> 00:08:02,470 Act like it's a fact and then you'll either get angry and fight you'll freeze, 137 00:08:02,710 --> 00:08:07,780 you won't be able to think properly, you'll run away, or you'll go into fawn, 138 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,510 over help, over explain, and that will really lead to a lot of resentment. 139 00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:17,087 Your other option though, is to realize you're making an assumption and work out 140 00:08:17,087 --> 00:08:19,817 what your hypothesis is and check it out. 141 00:08:19,997 --> 00:08:21,257 Do I have evidence for this? 142 00:08:21,347 --> 00:08:22,607 Is this really true? 143 00:08:22,607 --> 00:08:26,057 So you've still got the thought, but you treat it like a hypothesis. 144 00:08:26,237 --> 00:08:29,867 You check it, you clarify it, and then you end up solving the right problem. 145 00:08:29,867 --> 00:08:33,845 And that is entirely within your zone of power, your control. 146 00:08:34,212 --> 00:08:37,662 The participants in the Traders make so many different mistakes 147 00:08:37,662 --> 00:08:39,072 when it comes to assumptions. 148 00:08:39,222 --> 00:08:42,132 So I'm gonna go through some of these now and work out what we can do instead. 149 00:08:42,132 --> 00:08:46,762 So the first mistake they make is mistaking certainty for truth. 150 00:08:47,092 --> 00:08:50,262 So if somebody is very certain about something, they think that 151 00:08:50,262 --> 00:08:54,222 means they're accurate, and if they feel certain, they think it's true. 152 00:08:54,522 --> 00:08:58,722 And when people are really, really stressed, often they don't look for the 153 00:08:58,722 --> 00:09:00,762 truth, they actually look for certainty. 154 00:09:01,032 --> 00:09:04,092 And obviously certainty is not the same thing as actually being right. 155 00:09:04,392 --> 00:09:08,932 So if you feel yourself a bit irritable, defensive or you are rehearsing the 156 00:09:08,962 --> 00:09:12,652 argument again and again, and being more and more certain, or thinking that, or 157 00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:17,512 they always, or they never, or you feel you've got to act really, really quickly, 158 00:09:17,512 --> 00:09:23,242 then you might be reaching for certainty without knowing the actual truth. 159 00:09:23,242 --> 00:09:27,142 So when you find yourself thinking like that, that's your cue to think to 160 00:09:27,142 --> 00:09:32,782 yourself, well, I'm having a thought here, and my thoughts are not definitely facts. 161 00:09:32,872 --> 00:09:34,445 I need to test this out. 162 00:09:34,882 --> 00:09:38,692 That leads to the second mistake that people in the Traitors make they accuse 163 00:09:38,722 --> 00:09:41,242 other people of having certain intentions. 164 00:09:41,572 --> 00:09:45,832 So they might say to them, you accused that person in order to throw the heat off 165 00:09:45,832 --> 00:09:50,962 you, or you try to confuse this person so that we wouldn't be looking over there. 166 00:09:51,607 --> 00:09:54,097 And this is where things get really, really dangerous. 167 00:09:54,097 --> 00:09:56,797 Now, I love to talk about being on your side of the net. 168 00:09:56,797 --> 00:10:00,667 This is a concept I learned from the book Connect, a fantastic book 169 00:10:00,787 --> 00:10:03,697 by David Bradford and Carole Rubin, we'll put the link in the show notes. 170 00:10:03,877 --> 00:10:07,447 And they talk about this concept of going over the net, which is very simple. 171 00:10:07,447 --> 00:10:10,987 Essentially, in any conversation, there are three things going on. 172 00:10:11,227 --> 00:10:11,572 What I'm thinking. 173 00:10:12,175 --> 00:10:16,024 My intentions, my motivation, what you are thinking, your intentions, your 174 00:10:16,024 --> 00:10:21,244 motivation, the impact things are having on you, and then the behavior, right? 175 00:10:21,244 --> 00:10:23,074 Now, we both can see the behavior. 176 00:10:23,224 --> 00:10:24,364 It's out there in front of us. 177 00:10:24,364 --> 00:10:28,564 It's what would be captured on a CCTV camera, but we can never know the 178 00:10:28,564 --> 00:10:32,974 other person's thoughts, intentions, motivations, and we are over the 179 00:10:32,974 --> 00:10:34,774 net when we assume that we do. 180 00:10:35,074 --> 00:10:39,994 So if I said to somebody, you are being very defensive, well that's over the net. 181 00:10:40,294 --> 00:10:42,214 I don't know if they're being defensive or not. 182 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:46,511 Now, their behavior might mean I think they're being defensive, but what they 183 00:10:46,511 --> 00:10:49,661 might be doing is, is raising their voice and not answering questions. 184 00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:53,861 So I could say to them, look, I'm observing that you're not answering this 185 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:56,231 question and you're raising your voice. 186 00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:58,628 That's observable behavior and we can, I could ask them 187 00:10:58,628 --> 00:10:59,648 what's going on behind that. 188 00:10:59,648 --> 00:11:02,378 But if I say, well, you're being defensive, that is over the net. 189 00:11:02,498 --> 00:11:04,148 And that will make them angry. 190 00:11:04,418 --> 00:11:06,398 They will then become defensive, of course. 191 00:11:06,398 --> 00:11:08,588 'Cause nobody likes to be told what they're thinking, 192 00:11:08,588 --> 00:11:09,818 particularly if it's wrong. 193 00:11:10,358 --> 00:11:11,888 Over the net is judgmental. 194 00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:15,128 It's likely to get someone's back really, really quickly. 195 00:11:15,158 --> 00:11:18,698 And you can see this in the Traitors show when someone else 196 00:11:18,698 --> 00:11:20,108 accuses somebody of something. 197 00:11:20,678 --> 00:11:24,503 Immediately rationale Logic leaves the room. 198 00:11:24,503 --> 00:11:28,373 They just respond with emotion, because how dare you accuse me of something. 199 00:11:28,673 --> 00:11:32,513 So being on my side of the net means describing observable behavior 200 00:11:32,513 --> 00:11:36,383 such as, you interrupted me, or I didn't get a reply, or the decision 201 00:11:36,383 --> 00:11:38,303 changed, or the rota was altered. 202 00:11:38,693 --> 00:11:42,353 If I'm over the net, I'm assuming meaning and intention. 203 00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:45,623 I might be saying, you are undermining me, or You just don't respect me. 204 00:11:45,713 --> 00:11:48,293 You are ignoring me, or you're trying to make me look bad. 205 00:11:48,323 --> 00:11:51,353 So that is delivering a judgment. 206 00:11:51,383 --> 00:11:54,493 And if that person wasn't defensive before, well, they'll 207 00:11:54,493 --> 00:11:58,033 become defensive the second you tell them what they're thinking. 208 00:11:58,633 --> 00:12:02,803 And it's brilliant to watch on TV because the more people accuse each other, the 209 00:12:02,803 --> 00:12:05,653 more everyone just starts acting weirdly. 210 00:12:05,881 --> 00:12:09,751 And one example of this might be an MDT meeting where various 211 00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:12,181 different specialists get together to discuss a patient. 212 00:12:12,181 --> 00:12:15,571 So you might have presented a plan and the consultant running the 213 00:12:15,571 --> 00:12:18,601 meeting might interrupt you, change your plan, and move on quickly. 214 00:12:18,601 --> 00:12:22,021 Meanwhile, you are stuck going, hang on a sec, they've not respected 215 00:12:22,021 --> 00:12:24,601 me, they're making me look stupid, and they think I'm incompetent. 216 00:12:24,601 --> 00:12:29,371 Well, that's really over the net, and that's a story about their intention. 217 00:12:29,371 --> 00:12:33,781 Well, the actual fact is they change the plan very quickly. 218 00:12:34,103 --> 00:12:38,573 And so rather than saying to them, you undermined me there, you could say, look, 219 00:12:38,603 --> 00:12:40,283 I noticed you changed the pan quickly. 220 00:12:40,283 --> 00:12:41,783 What was your thinking behind that? 221 00:12:41,783 --> 00:12:43,001 Help me understand. 222 00:12:43,266 --> 00:12:47,769 Because often when we assume someone's intentional motivation, we treat 223 00:12:47,769 --> 00:12:52,149 that hunch or that intuition that we think we've had like evidence. 224 00:12:52,779 --> 00:12:56,319 And that is the third mistake that the traitors make. 225 00:12:56,619 --> 00:12:59,349 And that's exactly the problem that Harriet made. 226 00:12:59,649 --> 00:13:01,179 A hunch can be useful. 227 00:13:01,209 --> 00:13:05,529 Intuition is really useful, but it's not the same as hard evidence. 228 00:13:06,069 --> 00:13:11,499 So just doing this reserve number one, what did I actually observe here, right? 229 00:13:11,649 --> 00:13:13,719 What would CCTV tell me? 230 00:13:14,019 --> 00:13:15,759 And then what is my interpretation here? 231 00:13:15,759 --> 00:13:17,499 What story am I telling about it? 232 00:13:17,499 --> 00:13:19,044 And we talk about this all the time, don't we? 233 00:13:19,119 --> 00:13:20,439 What is my story in my head? 234 00:13:20,439 --> 00:13:21,459 What's going on here? 235 00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:24,459 And then thinking, actually, what else could be true? 236 00:13:24,459 --> 00:13:27,159 What are some plausible alternatives? 237 00:13:27,159 --> 00:13:31,689 So instead of feeling your feeling and going, well, that's evidence. 238 00:13:31,689 --> 00:13:34,749 What you're doing is you are looking at that feeling and going, well, hang on. 239 00:13:35,079 --> 00:13:37,749 Yeah, I'm having that feeling, but do I actually know here? 240 00:13:38,049 --> 00:13:43,239 So in that example about the NDT, the fact is they changed the plan quickly. 241 00:13:43,779 --> 00:13:47,319 The story in my head, they were undermining me, but other possibilities, 242 00:13:47,319 --> 00:13:50,049 they were worried about the risk, they were thinking about what else they had 243 00:13:50,049 --> 00:13:52,989 to get done in the meeting, they're running late, or maybe they've got 244 00:13:52,989 --> 00:13:54,399 some information that you don't have. 245 00:13:54,399 --> 00:13:56,799 Now, it doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. 246 00:13:56,799 --> 00:13:58,929 It doesn't mean it felt nice, but it just means that you're 247 00:13:58,929 --> 00:14:00,789 not taking that second arrow. 248 00:14:00,789 --> 00:14:04,959 You're not turning that slightly difficult situation into a a courtroom 249 00:14:04,959 --> 00:14:06,876 of judgements and accusations. 250 00:14:07,299 --> 00:14:12,430 Now, if we take that example of the MDT, often the most confident person 251 00:14:12,430 --> 00:14:13,690 is the one that gets listened to. 252 00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:18,034 And this is another mistake that we see in the Traitors, believing that 253 00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:20,734 confidence is the same as competence. 254 00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:24,614 So one of the reasons they get it wrong so many times is that the most 255 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:28,394 confident person there is the most persuasive, the most believable, 256 00:14:28,562 --> 00:14:30,122 and everyone just follows them. 257 00:14:30,547 --> 00:14:33,007 In healthcare, we have our own version of this. 258 00:14:33,157 --> 00:14:36,577 We are trained to value clarity, and we are really trained to value decisiveness 259 00:14:36,997 --> 00:14:41,467 and confidence, and because we spot patterns fast and we often act with 260 00:14:41,527 --> 00:14:45,217 incomplete information, choosing our working diagnosis and committing to 261 00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:49,447 a plan, we almost treat people in the same way as as blood results. 262 00:14:49,447 --> 00:14:54,532 You know, people are not measurable like some physiology is. 263 00:14:55,012 --> 00:14:58,972 So your doctor brain, you can't do that move of saying, well, I 264 00:14:58,972 --> 00:15:00,832 feel sure, therefore I'm right. 265 00:15:01,132 --> 00:15:03,232 The problem is, the higher the stakes, the more your brain will 266 00:15:03,232 --> 00:15:06,232 really crave certainty, because certainty, like I said before, it 267 00:15:06,232 --> 00:15:08,282 feels safe even when it's wrong. 268 00:15:08,552 --> 00:15:12,242 So we do listen to the most confident person in the room 269 00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:14,156 and go with their assumptions. 270 00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:18,913 The other mistake we make is going with the most trustworthy person in the room. 271 00:15:19,153 --> 00:15:22,213 And there was a fascinating article in one of the psychological journals 272 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:26,339 about the Traitors, with one of the fascinating mistakes that the faithfuls 273 00:15:26,339 --> 00:15:30,389 make looking at someone who's kind and calm and reassuring and they say, well, 274 00:15:30,689 --> 00:15:34,889 they're far too trustworthy to be one of the traitors, completely forgetting 275 00:15:34,889 --> 00:15:38,849 that, that traitors just sort of picked randomly at the beginning of the show. 276 00:15:38,849 --> 00:15:42,999 It's not based on personality, although I'm sure that the producers 277 00:15:43,239 --> 00:15:47,229 like to throw some really, really, uh, trustworthy people into the mix 278 00:15:47,229 --> 00:15:50,979 to be traitors specifically because everyone will trust them and not think 279 00:15:50,979 --> 00:15:52,509 they could possibly be a traitor. 280 00:15:52,809 --> 00:15:57,639 So on the show, being nice is not evidence of being a faithful, it's 281 00:15:57,639 --> 00:15:59,619 just evidence of, of being nice. 282 00:15:59,919 --> 00:16:03,759 And there's a deeper point here because trustworthiness and 283 00:16:03,759 --> 00:16:05,589 motivation are different things. 284 00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:10,389 So a person can be really trustworthy, they can be decent and likable, and still 285 00:16:10,389 --> 00:16:14,409 have motivations that you don't see, or you don't know or you don't understand. 286 00:16:15,039 --> 00:16:18,024 Because in Traitors, the hidden motivation is really obvious. 287 00:16:18,024 --> 00:16:20,304 They wanna win a massive pot of money. 288 00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:24,504 In healthcare, well, the motivations are a bit less visible So a colleague. 289 00:16:24,504 --> 00:16:27,984 They might be motivated by survival, self protection, you know, 290 00:16:28,014 --> 00:16:29,784 covering their own arse, right? 291 00:16:30,174 --> 00:16:34,974 Fear of blame, their reputation, hitting their own targets, avoiding extra 292 00:16:34,974 --> 00:16:39,834 work, loyalty to a different team, or wanting to be liked, keeping their 293 00:16:39,834 --> 00:16:41,454 head down, all those sorts of things. 294 00:16:41,454 --> 00:16:44,454 And none of those motivations make them a bad person. 295 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:48,714 But if you assume that they are operating with exactly the same incentives and 296 00:16:48,714 --> 00:16:53,154 priority and motivation as you, you are gonna get confused and disappointed. 297 00:16:53,154 --> 00:16:56,334 It doesn't mean they're not trustworthy, it just means that they have 298 00:16:56,334 --> 00:16:58,254 another goal that they're aiming at. 299 00:16:58,554 --> 00:17:04,524 So the real skill here is not cynicism, you know, not mistrusting, everybody. 300 00:17:04,554 --> 00:17:05,694 It's just being really clear. 301 00:17:05,994 --> 00:17:10,164 And instead of assuming shared intent, you could ask, well, actually, what is 302 00:17:10,164 --> 00:17:12,564 mattering to them most in this situation? 303 00:17:12,684 --> 00:17:14,874 You can ask them what are they trying to protect? 304 00:17:14,874 --> 00:17:16,074 What outcome are they aiming for? 305 00:17:16,074 --> 00:17:19,704 Because if you understand the motivation, then you can stop taking 306 00:17:19,704 --> 00:17:21,461 their behavior quite so personally. 307 00:17:21,701 --> 00:17:25,478 For example, if you're trying to work out, a new working pattern and one of your 308 00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:29,935 partners who's got very small children at home, and they tell you that one of their 309 00:17:29,935 --> 00:17:34,015 main motivations for the next five years is trying to get home on time, then you 310 00:17:34,015 --> 00:17:37,585 won't assume that they're untrustworthy just 'cause they don't agree with you. 311 00:17:37,855 --> 00:17:38,815 You'll go, okay. 312 00:17:38,995 --> 00:17:41,785 Their motivation might be a little bit different from mine, 'cause they're 313 00:17:41,785 --> 00:17:43,525 valuing time at home in the evening. 314 00:17:43,525 --> 00:17:46,435 Whereas you might be valuing time at home in the morning or 315 00:17:46,585 --> 00:17:48,055 an extra day off or something. 316 00:17:48,355 --> 00:17:50,251 Different motivations, different goals. 317 00:17:50,775 --> 00:17:53,985 And another assumption that we make, which they make all the 318 00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:58,875 time in Traitors, is believing authority instead of testing reality. 319 00:17:59,515 --> 00:18:02,275 So people often don't believe people based on evidence. 320 00:18:02,455 --> 00:18:05,245 They believe people based on the credibility signals that they give. 321 00:18:05,245 --> 00:18:08,065 So if somebody really sounds convincing or has the right background, 322 00:18:08,605 --> 00:18:12,085 or claims specialist knowledge, then people assume they just must 323 00:18:12,085 --> 00:18:13,195 know what they're talking about. 324 00:18:13,195 --> 00:18:18,505 Now in the current series, someone called Rachel, she's a brilliant example of this. 325 00:18:18,715 --> 00:18:20,050 She is actually a traitor. 326 00:18:20,370 --> 00:18:24,090 She said several times on the show that she was trained by the FBI 327 00:18:24,090 --> 00:18:26,370 to spot when people are lying. 328 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,450 And when she said that something really interesting happened. 329 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:33,570 Because she said to the group, I can spot a hundred percent 330 00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:34,950 when people are lying to me. 331 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,320 So now whenever she says, well, I can tell you are lying, 332 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,090 people absolutely believe her. 333 00:18:40,450 --> 00:18:43,660 Not because she's been accurate, not 'cause they've tested whether 334 00:18:43,660 --> 00:18:47,890 she's right, but because she's told everybody that she's competent at that. 335 00:18:47,890 --> 00:18:50,140 And then she's backed it up with saying, and I have been trained by 336 00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:54,070 the FBI, the best people apparently, of spotting when you're lying. 337 00:18:54,490 --> 00:18:57,280 So this credibility becomes the evidence other people need. 338 00:18:57,580 --> 00:18:59,500 You see the same thing in teams. 339 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:02,890 So we defer to people that have seniority or confidence or. 340 00:19:03,355 --> 00:19:06,865 Impressive job titles, or maybe you've done a course, they've got the right 341 00:19:06,865 --> 00:19:11,155 qualifications, or they've got the reputation, even if the behavior 342 00:19:11,155 --> 00:19:14,065 they're seeing doesn't actually match. 343 00:19:14,365 --> 00:19:19,465 Now, of course, expertise matters, but the key point here is that credentials 344 00:19:19,555 --> 00:19:23,215 are just a clue to stuff, they don't give you proof and hard evidence. 345 00:19:23,215 --> 00:19:25,855 So just because that person with credentials thinks something, 346 00:19:26,425 --> 00:19:28,015 it doesn't mean that it's true. 347 00:19:28,045 --> 00:19:30,025 You still need to test your assumptions. 348 00:19:30,385 --> 00:19:32,845 So the question isn't, are they impressive? 349 00:19:32,875 --> 00:19:36,025 It's, well, are they accurate in this particular situation? 350 00:19:36,025 --> 00:19:39,162 Because somebody can be highly qualified and still be wrong. 351 00:19:39,475 --> 00:19:43,045 And somebody can be really junior and be totally right. 352 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:47,723 So let's stop just believing that the most confident person or the most 353 00:19:47,723 --> 00:19:52,793 qualified person is necessarily the one to totally trust, because we need to 354 00:19:52,793 --> 00:19:54,487 know what their motivations are as well. 355 00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:58,716 Now in a minute, I'm gonna tell you how you can check out your assumptions, but 356 00:19:58,716 --> 00:20:03,161 one of the key mistakes that people in the Trades are making is talking about 357 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,501 somebody instead of talking to them. 358 00:20:05,833 --> 00:20:09,973 And this gets really relevant to work, because on the TV, people are constantly 359 00:20:09,973 --> 00:20:12,883 getting into little groups, you know, in the kitchen talking to each other 360 00:20:12,883 --> 00:20:17,803 about other people, talking to everybody, probably apart from the person involved. 361 00:20:17,803 --> 00:20:22,213 And they're swapping their theories and building this shared story and 362 00:20:22,213 --> 00:20:25,783 this shared narrative, and becoming more and more convinced as they 363 00:20:25,783 --> 00:20:27,703 talk to other people about this. 364 00:20:27,703 --> 00:20:30,583 But the person they're talking about, they're not in the room, 365 00:20:30,583 --> 00:20:32,233 so they can't test reality. 366 00:20:32,233 --> 00:20:34,003 This is basically gossip. 367 00:20:34,303 --> 00:20:36,253 And we all know that happens at work. 368 00:20:36,853 --> 00:20:38,503 It has a very specific effect. 369 00:20:38,503 --> 00:20:41,353 It doesn't make you more accurate about stuff, but it does make 370 00:20:41,353 --> 00:20:43,213 you more certain about stuff. 371 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:46,093 'Cause once you've said it and someone else has said it, then gosh, there's 372 00:20:46,093 --> 00:20:49,783 two or three or four of us saying then that must mean it's right. 373 00:20:50,053 --> 00:20:54,008 But as you see very quickly on the Traitors, those stories can spiral. 374 00:20:54,163 --> 00:20:55,903 And you think, why are they all believing that? 375 00:20:55,903 --> 00:20:59,503 Just 'cause one person started it off, it has absolutely no basis. 376 00:20:59,953 --> 00:21:02,233 Absolutely no evidence. 377 00:21:02,533 --> 00:21:03,493 It's not the truth. 378 00:21:03,493 --> 00:21:07,783 And interestingly, you also saw Harriet doing exactly the opposite. 379 00:21:08,083 --> 00:21:12,731 So she basically said at the beginning of one of the episodes, I've got cold 380 00:21:12,731 --> 00:21:17,231 hard evidence against this person, and I'm not gonna tell you about it at all. 381 00:21:17,531 --> 00:21:19,241 I'm gonna come out with it later. 382 00:21:19,601 --> 00:21:23,711 So the person that was accused just didn't get a chance to respond or 383 00:21:23,711 --> 00:21:25,451 to give their side of the story. 384 00:21:25,931 --> 00:21:29,921 And then when Harriet came out with this cold, hard evidence and confronted 385 00:21:29,921 --> 00:21:33,323 in a very, very aggressive manner, the group really responded to the 386 00:21:33,413 --> 00:21:37,103 anger and the emotion, not the facts. 387 00:21:37,403 --> 00:21:39,683 So here the antidote is very simple. 388 00:21:39,683 --> 00:21:43,583 It's check with the person involved, not the group. 389 00:21:43,883 --> 00:21:46,973 And the way to do this, of course, is to share what you've observed. 390 00:21:47,003 --> 00:21:51,833 That, that CCTV camera footage, you can also share the impact on you if you 391 00:21:51,833 --> 00:21:55,176 want to, because nobody can argue with that, you know that that's your truth. 392 00:21:55,581 --> 00:21:56,691 And then check in. 393 00:21:57,111 --> 00:22:00,771 So if we use an example of that MDT meeting, you could say, 394 00:22:00,771 --> 00:22:03,561 well, when I presented that plan, you changed it quite quickly. 395 00:22:03,863 --> 00:22:04,822 I felt a bit thrown. 396 00:22:05,152 --> 00:22:06,142 That's the impact on you. 397 00:22:06,562 --> 00:22:09,112 I'm not entirely sure I understood your thinking. 398 00:22:09,112 --> 00:22:12,442 So can I check what your main concern was so I can learn from it? 399 00:22:12,602 --> 00:22:13,442 Shorter version. 400 00:22:13,622 --> 00:22:15,872 When you said that just now, I felt on the back foot. 401 00:22:15,872 --> 00:22:17,072 Can I just check what you meant? 402 00:22:17,372 --> 00:22:20,762 And when you shared your observations, remember, don't go over the net. 403 00:22:20,792 --> 00:22:24,713 No judgements, just observations, possibly the impact on you, and then your 404 00:22:24,713 --> 00:22:27,593 checking answer, what should you do next? 405 00:22:28,283 --> 00:22:29,063 Stop. 406 00:22:29,363 --> 00:22:32,423 Let them answer, because you need to find out. 407 00:22:32,923 --> 00:22:34,076 Here's another example. 408 00:22:34,316 --> 00:22:37,496 You get an email from somebody very brief just saying, can 409 00:22:37,496 --> 00:22:38,636 you confirm this has been done? 410 00:22:38,636 --> 00:22:39,626 We need it urgently. 411 00:22:39,866 --> 00:22:42,416 So your brain goes, oh no, they're having a massive go at me. 412 00:22:42,416 --> 00:22:45,626 They're thinking, I'm not pulling my weight, or I'm definitely in trouble now. 413 00:22:45,626 --> 00:22:50,231 So a lot of us would attempt to send a five paragraph apology. 414 00:22:50,471 --> 00:22:53,261 But instead of doing that check, check what's going on. 415 00:22:53,261 --> 00:22:54,191 Either thank you. 416 00:22:54,191 --> 00:22:54,401 Yeah. 417 00:22:54,401 --> 00:22:57,401 I've done it, or no, I was gonna do that this week. 418 00:22:57,701 --> 00:22:58,391 I'm just checking. 419 00:22:58,391 --> 00:23:01,001 Is there a particular deadline or risk that you're concerned about? 420 00:23:01,301 --> 00:23:08,351 Because what often happens is when we go into checking our assumptions, we don't 421 00:23:08,351 --> 00:23:14,051 actually check, we go into confessional mode instead to make us feel better. 422 00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:18,881 So this is another classic mistake, emotionally escalating 423 00:23:18,911 --> 00:23:24,156 and losing the clarity, losing the information, losing the influence. 424 00:23:24,579 --> 00:23:27,909 Because on Traitors, if someone feels desperate to be believed, 425 00:23:27,909 --> 00:23:28,989 they ramp up the emotion. 426 00:23:28,989 --> 00:23:31,239 They get louder and more intense and more insistent. 427 00:23:31,239 --> 00:23:35,619 And the problem is the more intense you get, the less persuasive you become. 428 00:23:35,799 --> 00:23:38,349 And people sort of stop hearing the message and they start then 429 00:23:38,409 --> 00:23:40,359 reacting to the emotional threat. 430 00:23:40,749 --> 00:23:44,079 You know, in the round tables discussions, people start saying, oh, don't cry. 431 00:23:44,259 --> 00:23:44,619 Don't cry. 432 00:23:44,619 --> 00:23:45,789 Please don't cry. 433 00:23:46,089 --> 00:23:49,179 And doctors and people in healthcare, we often do another version of this. 434 00:23:49,179 --> 00:23:51,339 We don't often get louder and louder. 435 00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:55,659 Well, we sometimes get louder and louder, but sometimes we get nicer and nicer. 436 00:23:55,659 --> 00:23:57,399 We go into foreign mode. 437 00:23:57,843 --> 00:24:00,743 So instead of checking, we are just confessing and trying to 438 00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:04,193 make ourselves feel better by trying to help the other person. 439 00:24:04,193 --> 00:24:07,073 So instead of just saying, well, have I understood this right? 440 00:24:07,073 --> 00:24:09,353 You go into, well, oh, I'm really sorry. 441 00:24:09,378 --> 00:24:12,383 I, I didn't mean it, and I was busy and, and it's been manic and I 442 00:24:12,383 --> 00:24:13,793 didn't go to that because of this. 443 00:24:14,156 --> 00:24:18,813 And fawning is your nervous system saying well, I'm, this is feeling really risky, 444 00:24:18,813 --> 00:24:23,523 this is, feels like a threat, so I'm gonna keep them happy so that we stay safe. 445 00:24:23,823 --> 00:24:27,543 And we do it because we wanna smooth things over and not escalate things. 446 00:24:27,543 --> 00:24:29,403 So we, we do feel really guilty. 447 00:24:29,403 --> 00:24:32,763 We've got this ridiculously overdeveloped guilt chip. 448 00:24:33,003 --> 00:24:35,594 You know, if I, if they're upset, I must have harmed them. 449 00:24:36,254 --> 00:24:39,393 Sometimes we feel that we can't be direct 'cause of hierarchy. 450 00:24:39,513 --> 00:24:43,443 We might feel the consequences, the blame and complaints, and our reputation. 451 00:24:43,443 --> 00:24:46,143 So we want to make it better before we even check the facts. 452 00:24:46,833 --> 00:24:50,253 And sometimes we confuse kindness with compliance. 453 00:24:50,253 --> 00:24:53,763 We think we need to do everything that everyone ask us to in order to 454 00:24:53,763 --> 00:24:55,533 be kind, but we know that's not true. 455 00:24:55,943 --> 00:24:58,403 So if you two feel yourself fawning. 456 00:24:58,553 --> 00:25:02,873 Instead of checking over explaining, just say, well, before I explain, 457 00:25:02,873 --> 00:25:04,523 can you tell me what your concern is? 458 00:25:04,823 --> 00:25:08,393 Or if you are automatically apologizing, you could say well, I just want to 459 00:25:08,393 --> 00:25:09,893 understand what's going on here. 460 00:25:10,193 --> 00:25:12,538 This is short, this is grounded, and this is clear. 461 00:25:13,133 --> 00:25:16,493 So, for example, You bump into a colleague in the corridor and you ask 462 00:25:16,493 --> 00:25:20,603 'em a question and they answer pretty sharply, maybe a bit offhand with you, 463 00:25:20,783 --> 00:25:25,553 and instantly your brain says, oh, they don't like me, or they think I'm useless. 464 00:25:25,553 --> 00:25:28,273 I've really mucked up here, or they're fed up of me. 465 00:25:28,573 --> 00:25:33,937 So instead of going in into Fawn or, or just shrinking yourself, just 466 00:25:33,937 --> 00:25:37,357 check it quickly and kindly saying, oh, I might be misreading this. 467 00:25:37,387 --> 00:25:38,137 Are we okay? 468 00:25:38,167 --> 00:25:39,697 Or can I just check? 469 00:25:39,865 --> 00:25:40,495 Are you okay? 470 00:25:40,915 --> 00:25:42,985 Gosh, the story in my head is, I might have done something to upset you. 471 00:25:43,225 --> 00:25:44,485 Is that right or not? 472 00:25:44,785 --> 00:25:48,145 And just to bring this into real life, I was chatting with a friend at the weekend 473 00:25:48,145 --> 00:25:53,095 and she's been asked to change her working days and work a full day on Monday. 474 00:25:53,245 --> 00:25:54,775 But Mondays don't work for her. 475 00:25:54,775 --> 00:25:57,265 She's got other roles, she's got other responsibilities, it would 476 00:25:57,265 --> 00:25:59,155 make her life genuinely difficult. 477 00:25:59,155 --> 00:26:03,595 But she's stuck not because she doesn't know what she wants, but because of 478 00:26:03,595 --> 00:26:09,925 what she's assuming they will think or it means about her if she says no. 479 00:26:09,925 --> 00:26:13,075 And she said to me, oh, I just don't want to be difficult. 480 00:26:13,075 --> 00:26:15,145 And can you hear all the assumptions in that? 481 00:26:15,216 --> 00:26:17,196 She's assuming what everyone else will think. 482 00:26:17,196 --> 00:26:20,796 She's assuming they'll judge her or see her as awkward or less committed. 483 00:26:20,796 --> 00:26:24,756 So as a result, she's just gone quiet, she's avoiding her colleagues, 484 00:26:24,756 --> 00:26:26,856 she's putting off the meeting. 485 00:26:27,046 --> 00:26:31,086 So here you can see that assumptions don't just create stress, but they just create 486 00:26:31,086 --> 00:26:35,256 silence and miscommunication and distance. 487 00:26:35,316 --> 00:26:37,776 And distance creates more assumptions. 488 00:26:38,376 --> 00:26:41,136 And I think this could be the real reason why many of us don't 489 00:26:41,136 --> 00:26:42,516 check our assumptions at work. 490 00:26:42,546 --> 00:26:46,446 'Cause we're so scared of upsetting somebody when we do or we're scared 491 00:26:46,926 --> 00:26:48,876 of being seen as the problem. 492 00:26:49,176 --> 00:26:52,356 So there are lots of different ways she could do this here, but she 493 00:26:52,356 --> 00:26:54,816 could just be clear, say, thanks for asking, but that doesn't work 494 00:26:54,816 --> 00:26:56,316 for me, this is what I could offer. 495 00:26:56,616 --> 00:27:01,036 Or she can actually preempt the assumptions without over explaining. 496 00:27:01,036 --> 00:27:05,269 So, I'm not saying no to be difficult here, But Mondays just don't work for me. 497 00:27:05,689 --> 00:27:08,479 I'm happy to consider some other solutions if I could. 498 00:27:08,806 --> 00:27:11,766 And side note, there's a fantastic book called Never Split the 499 00:27:11,766 --> 00:27:13,506 Difference by an FBI negotiator. 500 00:27:13,836 --> 00:27:18,357 And one of the techniques they use with hostage takers to use a thing called 501 00:27:18,387 --> 00:27:22,887 tactical empathy, where what they do is they put out everything they're assuming 502 00:27:22,887 --> 00:27:25,317 the other people think about them already. 503 00:27:25,467 --> 00:27:30,477 So it could be something like in a hostage situation, well here you might 504 00:27:30,477 --> 00:27:35,157 assume that we're being far too slow, that we're never going to give you any 505 00:27:35,157 --> 00:27:39,378 of your demands, that we're not listening to you, that we're being difficult. 506 00:27:39,378 --> 00:27:40,368 And they just list them out. 507 00:27:40,368 --> 00:27:43,608 And often when you do that, the other person goes, oh, no, no, I'm 508 00:27:43,668 --> 00:27:46,698 I, I'm not thinking that, and, and corrects themselves and corrects you. 509 00:27:46,698 --> 00:27:49,128 So that's a really good little tip there. 510 00:27:49,515 --> 00:27:53,325 And if you find yourself stuck in overexplaining and informing when you're 511 00:27:53,325 --> 00:27:56,295 trying to check, you could just stop yourself and go I'm just gonna pause here. 512 00:27:56,805 --> 00:27:58,665 What other options do you see? 513 00:27:58,665 --> 00:28:02,175 Or can I just check what your thinking is around this? 514 00:28:02,515 --> 00:28:03,355 Take that pause. 515 00:28:03,355 --> 00:28:06,085 We know the pause is absolutely golden. 516 00:28:06,528 --> 00:28:09,468 So two more common mistakes that I see in the Traitors. 517 00:28:09,468 --> 00:28:11,245 Number nine is they've got form. 518 00:28:11,490 --> 00:28:12,667 So this happens constantly. 519 00:28:12,667 --> 00:28:16,657 If someone has been acting a bit suspicious once, then everyone 520 00:28:16,657 --> 00:28:18,247 thinks they're suspicious forever. 521 00:28:18,817 --> 00:28:20,107 So in teams we do the same. 522 00:28:20,107 --> 00:28:24,157 So if someone snapped at us in the past or behaved not very nicely in the past, 523 00:28:24,457 --> 00:28:27,247 we think to ourselves, well, they're gonna do it again, that's just what they 524 00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:30,277 like, rather than actually the time they were doing that, they had a lot on at 525 00:28:30,277 --> 00:28:31,927 home and were under immense pressure. 526 00:28:32,227 --> 00:28:34,777 Now, I'm not saying we go around blindly trusting people and we 527 00:28:34,777 --> 00:28:37,237 ignore all their past behavior. 528 00:28:37,777 --> 00:28:41,317 But let's make allowances for people and just because they did something 529 00:28:41,347 --> 00:28:45,763 a bit underhand or not very nice, or were, or were really difficult at one 530 00:28:45,763 --> 00:28:49,663 point, let's not assume that that's what they're being like, or that's what their 531 00:28:49,663 --> 00:28:52,033 motivation or intention is this time. 532 00:28:52,412 --> 00:28:55,322 People can change and context can change, so check. 533 00:28:55,922 --> 00:28:59,702 And also remember that other people are making assumptions about you. 534 00:29:00,122 --> 00:29:04,082 So if you are really stressed, if you're really rushed, if you're a bit 535 00:29:04,502 --> 00:29:07,682 risk with people, then other people just fill in the blanks, so if you 536 00:29:07,682 --> 00:29:11,822 do find yourself doing that, then just give them a short explanation. 537 00:29:12,122 --> 00:29:16,202 Don't let them go off and spend three days making assumptions about you and making 538 00:29:16,202 --> 00:29:17,457 all those stories in their heads either. 539 00:29:17,872 --> 00:29:21,742 Just a simple, oh my goodness, I'm sorry if I was a bit snappy in the corridor, 540 00:29:22,072 --> 00:29:25,432 i'd just been with a really difficult patient and it was an over spill. 541 00:29:25,612 --> 00:29:29,782 Please don't read anything into it that can work wonders and really build trust. 542 00:29:30,408 --> 00:29:34,188 And then the final mistake here is about intuition. 543 00:29:34,728 --> 00:29:37,638 So, some people really worship their intuition. 544 00:29:37,638 --> 00:29:39,738 It's like my intuition is everything. 545 00:29:39,738 --> 00:29:41,238 I trust it completely. 546 00:29:41,578 --> 00:29:44,153 Well, you can never trust your intuition completely. 547 00:29:44,513 --> 00:29:49,343 I've learned that often my intuition is wrong at the first, but 548 00:29:49,403 --> 00:29:52,403 afterwards I really need to listen to that little nagging feeling. 549 00:29:52,603 --> 00:29:54,043 And in the Traitors we get people going. 550 00:29:54,373 --> 00:29:57,613 I just know I'm trusting my intuition. 551 00:29:57,913 --> 00:30:01,093 Or they, they're thinking something that's actually along the right lines, 552 00:30:01,093 --> 00:30:02,413 but they go, oh, I'm probably wrong. 553 00:30:02,443 --> 00:30:03,703 I'm just going to ignore it. 554 00:30:03,703 --> 00:30:05,353 And we do this too. 555 00:30:05,353 --> 00:30:09,193 We either treat intuition like gospel or we dismiss it. 556 00:30:09,313 --> 00:30:11,053 'cause we don't want it to be true. 557 00:30:11,413 --> 00:30:13,903 So that better approach is to look on it as a signal. 558 00:30:13,903 --> 00:30:15,553 It's a signal, it's not a verdict. 559 00:30:15,853 --> 00:30:18,193 Listen to it and check it out. 560 00:30:18,193 --> 00:30:22,055 Your gut feeling is probably picking up something, and it might be 561 00:30:22,055 --> 00:30:23,885 also picking up your own stress. 562 00:30:24,395 --> 00:30:27,485 So listen to your gut and check it out as well. 563 00:30:28,075 --> 00:30:31,315 Now before I wrap this quick dip up, I just wanna zoom out for a moment. 564 00:30:31,345 --> 00:30:35,335 'cause one of the reasons that Traitors is such compelling TV show Is that 565 00:30:35,425 --> 00:30:40,375 it exposes a really difficult truth, and that is that we are not as good 566 00:30:40,465 --> 00:30:43,405 at reading people as we think we are. 567 00:30:43,701 --> 00:30:46,311 We would love to think that we can spot people who are lying 568 00:30:46,551 --> 00:30:49,161 or not being a hundred percent honest with us, but we just can't. 569 00:30:49,161 --> 00:30:54,561 And under pressure, groups really start relying on confidence and likability 570 00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:56,871 and just vibes as a shortcut for truth. 571 00:30:57,291 --> 00:30:59,361 And then the errors just multiply and multiply. 572 00:30:59,361 --> 00:31:02,901 And on the TV show, people are defending their, their mates, their 573 00:31:02,901 --> 00:31:06,351 pals saying, well, they could never be a traitor, even though the program 574 00:31:06,351 --> 00:31:10,911 is literally there to prove that trustworthiness and deception can coexist. 575 00:31:11,541 --> 00:31:16,371 Once the group locks onto a story, it just becomes contagious, it becomes groupthink. 576 00:31:16,881 --> 00:31:20,301 And you see this emotional contagion and people following the 577 00:31:20,301 --> 00:31:22,091 most confident voice in the room. 578 00:31:22,091 --> 00:31:26,176 And I have seen this time and time again in teams in healthcare. 579 00:31:26,176 --> 00:31:31,726 When we are tired and overstretched, we just default these same shortcuts. 580 00:31:31,824 --> 00:31:34,374 So when someone is in the corner in their fight, flight or free 581 00:31:34,374 --> 00:31:35,964 zone, we don't recognize that. 582 00:31:35,964 --> 00:31:39,204 We just think they're a bad, nasty person for being at their end of 583 00:31:39,204 --> 00:31:41,214 the tether and snapping at us. 584 00:31:41,229 --> 00:31:44,451 And we just attribute it to some sort of personality flaw rather than the fact 585 00:31:44,451 --> 00:31:47,031 that they have just had the day from hell. 586 00:31:47,331 --> 00:31:50,871 We decide what someone really meant instead of checking it with them, 587 00:31:50,871 --> 00:31:54,591 and we make decisions about people without having that person in the 588 00:31:54,591 --> 00:31:57,561 room, and that is kryptonite for teams. 589 00:31:57,861 --> 00:31:59,421 It destroys trust. 590 00:31:59,713 --> 00:32:04,033 And there's also one really fascinating contrast between the people that you can 591 00:32:04,033 --> 00:32:08,833 see on TV that have been chosen to be the faithfuls and the people who are traitors. 592 00:32:08,833 --> 00:32:12,193 Because when the faithfuls are trying to work out who's a traitor, 593 00:32:12,193 --> 00:32:16,813 they're stressed, so they often accuse, there's emotional escalation. 594 00:32:17,223 --> 00:32:19,083 They use that certainty as proof. 595 00:32:19,083 --> 00:32:23,913 They gossip, they think they can mind read, and they have this idea that 596 00:32:23,913 --> 00:32:27,363 everybody must agree with me, otherwise they're really offended rather than 597 00:32:27,363 --> 00:32:28,983 just trying to talk things through. 598 00:32:29,283 --> 00:32:33,134 Whereas when people are traitors, they know that they're lying, and they also 599 00:32:33,134 --> 00:32:36,554 know for sure that other people aren't lying, that other people are faithfuls. 600 00:32:37,154 --> 00:32:41,084 And so these traitors, they rarely just go off accusing people. 601 00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:43,664 They only accuse to sort of distract from them. 602 00:32:43,824 --> 00:32:47,484 And I've watched them sharing their suspicions, but very respectfully so 603 00:32:47,484 --> 00:32:48,954 they're not getting people's backs up. 604 00:32:49,374 --> 00:32:51,294 They're asking questions calmly. 605 00:32:51,534 --> 00:32:54,234 They're making their cases without bulldozing anybody. 606 00:32:54,534 --> 00:32:57,744 They're rarely getting defensive in a very panicky or reactive way. 607 00:32:57,744 --> 00:32:58,884 Well, these are the good traitors. 608 00:32:59,154 --> 00:33:01,494 The bad ones do, they get voted off. 609 00:33:02,184 --> 00:33:04,614 But some of the ones I've seen, they don't overexplain. 610 00:33:04,749 --> 00:33:06,279 They don't become outraged by stuff. 611 00:33:06,279 --> 00:33:09,579 They just quietly hold their ground, and that makes them really believable. 612 00:33:09,879 --> 00:33:13,209 ' Cause here's the really uncomfortable truth, that calm people sound 613 00:33:13,209 --> 00:33:15,714 right even when they're wrong. 614 00:33:16,404 --> 00:33:21,054 So this isn't just about stopping assumptions, it's about communication 615 00:33:21,054 --> 00:33:24,564 skills and making sure that you are checking stuff out. 616 00:33:24,804 --> 00:33:29,664 And if you want to be heard in a conflict situation, the goal isn't 617 00:33:29,664 --> 00:33:33,534 to have the strongest feelings, it's the clearest language. 618 00:33:34,449 --> 00:33:38,230 Then finally, the brilliant thing that the traitors in this series are 619 00:33:38,230 --> 00:33:42,370 doing that matters hugely in real teams, is they're building alliances. 620 00:33:42,670 --> 00:33:44,890 They're building alliances between the two of them. 621 00:33:44,890 --> 00:33:45,910 They really trust each other. 622 00:33:45,910 --> 00:33:47,110 They're talking to each other. 623 00:33:47,380 --> 00:33:50,920 They know exactly where they stand for now, and at the moment, there's 624 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:54,670 no underlying mistrust, ' cause they both have the same goal. 625 00:33:54,970 --> 00:33:57,070 And that's a reminder for teams in healthcare. 626 00:33:57,370 --> 00:34:00,670 If you don't invest in getting to know each other and talking to each other 627 00:34:00,670 --> 00:34:04,270 before things get stressful, then when things get stressful, everyone is just 628 00:34:04,270 --> 00:34:05,830 gonna default to their assumption. 629 00:34:06,190 --> 00:34:10,315 And also, the more you know about someone, the less assumptions you will make. 630 00:34:10,991 --> 00:34:15,011 And the easier it is to go and check stuff out with them, which is why getting to 631 00:34:15,011 --> 00:34:19,001 know your team and building psychological safety and having a culture where it's 632 00:34:19,001 --> 00:34:23,351 really normal to check things early, it's not just fluffy and nice to have, 633 00:34:23,351 --> 00:34:27,881 it's absolutely vital and it can stop these tiny misunderstandings just turning 634 00:34:27,881 --> 00:34:29,924 into these massive conflict spirals. 635 00:34:30,238 --> 00:34:32,338 So here's the main point for this quick dip. 636 00:34:32,728 --> 00:34:37,018 In healthcare in the NHS and in other organizations where the workload is 637 00:34:37,078 --> 00:34:41,233 escalating and everybody is overworked, we don't get stressed because we don't care. 638 00:34:41,263 --> 00:34:45,943 We get stressed because we care deeply and often we're operating 639 00:34:45,943 --> 00:34:47,750 with incomplete information. 640 00:34:47,750 --> 00:34:51,650 And when that information is missing, the brain fills the gaps. 641 00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:56,769 It creates a story and we start overthinking and we make assumptions. 642 00:34:57,054 --> 00:34:59,934 And when we're overthinking and making assumptions, the danger is that we 643 00:34:59,934 --> 00:35:02,754 start treating that story as fact. 644 00:35:03,084 --> 00:35:06,264 We assume it's personal, we default to the negative. 645 00:35:06,264 --> 00:35:08,124 And that that's a protective mechanism. 646 00:35:08,484 --> 00:35:12,384 Your amygdala will always go to the negative to protect you. 647 00:35:12,384 --> 00:35:14,739 It wants to keep you, but not happy. 648 00:35:14,769 --> 00:35:17,044 So we assume stuff is personal. 649 00:35:17,044 --> 00:35:18,664 We assume stuff is our fault. 650 00:35:18,934 --> 00:35:20,584 We assume we're responsible. 651 00:35:20,974 --> 00:35:24,814 We assume the worst, and then we burn through energies, just fighting 652 00:35:24,814 --> 00:35:26,614 something that might not even be true. 653 00:35:26,614 --> 00:35:29,674 So this week, try this one simple thing, right? 654 00:35:29,734 --> 00:35:33,274 Catch one assumption, especially perhaps that one that says 655 00:35:33,274 --> 00:35:34,474 you are being difficult. 656 00:35:34,774 --> 00:35:39,069 Turn it back into a question and ask yourself, what did I actually observe? 657 00:35:39,642 --> 00:35:41,532 What story am I telling here? 658 00:35:41,532 --> 00:35:42,942 Or what am I assuming? 659 00:35:43,417 --> 00:35:44,797 What else could be true? 660 00:35:45,380 --> 00:35:48,440 And if it involves another person, don't just go off and talk to loads 661 00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:52,687 of other people about it, take it to that person and use a sentence 662 00:35:53,027 --> 00:35:59,367 When you did X, I felt Y. Can I just check what was going on for you? 663 00:35:59,663 --> 00:36:03,533 Because the goal is not to be endlessly nice, it's just to be accurate. 664 00:36:04,157 --> 00:36:08,357 When you stop treating your assumptions as evidence, you 665 00:36:08,357 --> 00:36:09,887 can solve the right problems. 666 00:36:10,082 --> 00:36:14,372 You can stay in your zone of power, focusing on things that are in your 667 00:36:14,372 --> 00:36:17,042 control, and the work will feel lighter. 668 00:36:17,428 --> 00:36:20,698 So next time you feel absolutely sure you've got hard evidence about 669 00:36:20,698 --> 00:36:24,748 somebody's motives, just pause and ask yourself am I looking at the facts? 670 00:36:24,793 --> 00:36:28,391 Or or am I stuck in an endless game of Traitors?