E122 - Why High-Functioning Women Struggle to Let Go of the Man They Know They Shouldn’t Want

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Speaker 10: [00:00:00] This episode is breaking down exactly why high functioning women struggle to let go of the man they know they shouldn't want.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Speaker 8: Welcome back to the podcast. Today we are talking about something that most high functioning women really don't wanna admit out loud. You are likely very successful. I know you are self-aware, and you have just likely ended this relationship because you knew that it wasn't healthy. You got to the point that it was finally too bad and you chose yourself.

You tell your friends, you're done. You tell your therapist that you deserve better, but there's something deep down that has you still missing [00:01:00] someone that you know you shouldn't want.

There's a part of you that still hopes that he's gonna come back and apologize. A part that still imagines what life could be like if he could just change and that that is the part that's killing you.

So if this is you, I'm so glad you're here. You are in the right place because today in this episode, I am breaking down exactly why you are not crazy for still wanting somebody who hurt you. The real reason that his apology gets you every single time. Okay. And what has to actually shift internally to keep you from getting pulled in to him.

And be sure you stick around to the end of the episode 'cause I always pull an Oracle card that will offer you a message that you can use this week to stay more conscious in your healing.

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Speaker 14: .

A way that I like to describe this is almost like you're living in two different realities. So if you think about the first reality, you left because it got too [00:02:00] bad, right? You're living in this reality where you made the decision. aNd this decision wasn't impulsive, it wasn't dramatic, it was cumulative.

And likely you killed yourself over and over again around believing that that was the right decision to make.

You came to that decision because you had tolerated, you had rationalized, you had tried to explain it away a bajillion times. You had tried to make it work a bajillion and one times. Until one day your body finally came to the point where the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving, and you said, I can't do this anymore.

So you left not because you stopped loving him, perhaps, but because loving him was costing you too much. So that is reality one. Pain got to you great and you left. The other reality that you're living in is still hoping that this person that you know you shouldn't want comes back. So you are imagining an [00:03:00] apology. You are imagining him actually realizing what he lost, him actually realizing how much you tried to put that relationship back together, how hard you worked,

maybe showing some appreciation for how much effort you put into the relationship and how hard you tried, because I know that you tried really, really hard. And imagining him saying, I've changed. Coming back with not just saying it, but actually living it out.

Right? I'm sure you've heard those words a lot of times from him, but you're really wanting him to actually mean it and his actions to follow his words.

So even though you are telling everybody that you're done, and again, there's this part of you that feels relief, that is a reality that you're in also a part of you that knows that if he showed up, regulated, accountable, different, stopped drinking, stopped doing the drugs he was doing, stopped partying, stopped lying, whatever was happening in the relationship [00:04:00] that you would actually consider it.

And not only that, but you're actually hoping. And really longing for this to happen

so that you can stop feeling the pain that you're in, right, so that you don't have to actually live in reality one where the relationship is over, and that is the part that you don't say out loud. Right? I know that secret shame. When you're living in reality two, when you know you should be living in reality one, it's like, oh God, why am I here?

And I absolutely can't tell anybody this because they know how bad it was. I know how bad it was. Why am I still in this place?

So what you're feeling is shame. It's shame that you still love him. Shame that you still miss him. Shame that you would open the door again. And that shame turns into thoughts like, what's wrong with me?

Why can't I just move on? Why am I still hung up on somebody who hurt me? Someone I know I shouldn't want?

So now [00:05:00] you're, you're fighting two battles, and that is a really big internal battle to have on top of grief,

so it can feel, feel, it feels so like so many things, but like you're really stuck. You're stuck between these two realities. Because the relationship was unbearable. But the silence from his absence feels unbearable too. And I know that you are too self-aware to go back blindly, but I know that you are likely to attach, to let go cleanly. So it's, it's torturous that in-between space is absolutely, utterly torturous. I've had so many clients that have experienced this exact thing, and I'm gonna tell you about one specific woman that I've worked with. She was the same as you, she left. She didn't do it dramatically. She didn't do it impulsively. She had been waging war on herself for years, getting to the point where the decision to leave felt right in her body it was after she had given him 1,000,001 chances and saw him repeat his pattern [00:06:00] 1,000,001 times.

And how it clicked for her was she was sitting on the bathroom floor one night after they were just going at it over text message, and she was staring at her phone, waiting for him to respond after he had sent a wall of nasty messages about how terrible she was and how she was ruining his life. And she realized, wow, I have been in this place for years.

I actually haven't felt peaceful in my relationship in years. So she ended it, and everybody was really congratulatory of her because they saw how painful this relationship was. They were saying things like, you're so strong. You did the right thing. You deserve better. Your life is gonna get better from here.

But what nobody saw was her living in that reality too, of every night she was checking her phone every morning, she still hoped that she would wake up to an apology text, and every time her phone buzzed, [00:07:00] her heart lept out of her chest.

So she would say out loud, I'm done. But inside she was thinking if he really changed, like really changed, which I know he can do, I hope he can do. Then I would go back

and this, this shame that she felt from living in reality too. Made her feel so weak because this woman professionally was always on point. She was running a business, she was making tons of money. She was making decisive decisions left and right about the business, really trusting her gut and her instinct implicitly in her business.

And she felt confident. But with him, that confidence and that clarity like crumbled, it was nowhere to be found. So it felt extra incongruent for her to be presenting as this way on the outside and feeling the other way on the inside.

She was in this space of feeling just torturous again for three months, and then he [00:08:00] reached back out.

He hadn't transformed. He was not deeply accountable, but he was saying just enough of the right things that she decided to reopen that door.

And because she wasn't doing the work, that actually helped her shift away from this attachment to him. She felt this nervous system relief when his name popped up on the screen with these apologies. So she went back and she did it again for three more months until it got too bad again, and she found herself reaching out to me

and she said something that I will never forget. She said,

I went back because I couldn't tolerate the feeling of him being gone. That rang so true for her and as she said it, it was like this release valve of shame. And that is what I want you to hear because you're not alone in feeling that the absence can feel so unbearable when you've been in a trauma bonded and or narcissistic relationship

that the desire for the [00:09:00] relief gets greater than anything else. It's almost like you get relationship amnesia when you look back on things. They're not as bad. Right. That starts to sort of fade the the pain that you felt or the patterns or the cycles, because you just need it to stop.

You need that feeling inside of him being gone, of you being alone. You second guessing your decision. That all feels so uncomfortable, so unbearable. You just need that to stop.

So until that shifts. Until you're able to be with that discomfort and regulate your own nervous system without him being the solution, you'll always return. You'll always go back to the thing that's gonna take away the pain.

Until that changes, his apology is gonna feel like safety. His presence is gonna feel calming when he comes back after a period of time of being away.

And his attention will feel like a validation of your worth. Even if you get back into the same cycle, that [00:10:00] feels like shit.

When you go back, when you feel pulled back to him, you don't still want him because he's your soulmate. You want him because your nervous system has been bonded to him for safety

in thinking about it that way, of course, then you want him to come back so that you can feel that relief.

So until you create the safety internally, you are always gonna remain emotionally available for a man that logically you know, you should not be available for.

So this is not about willpower, this is not about loving yourself more. This is not about repeating affirmations.

If your nervous system still believes that he fixes how I feel, then you'll always leave that door correct.

So that is why, that is why high functioning women get stuck in this, in this limbo place of in between two realities. And detachment is not about forcing yourself to stop loving him because there's gonna be so much wrapped in the [00:11:00] grief of the happy times.

Detachment is about retraining your body to feel safe without him.

When your nervous system is not relying on him anymore, then you won't need him to apologize. You won't fantasize about that reconciliation. You won't feel shame. You won't feel this strong urge for him that you are labeling as love.

You will just feel complete within yourself. And able to move forward, which is what I know you want.

When I work with clients in my becoming program, the nervous system tending has to be foundational. Because I don't just help women move on. I help them break that internal bond that is keeping them emotionally available for someone who's hurting them

and reclaim that congruency. And reclaim years of their life from going back into the cycle, getting sucked back into the same desire for that relief from him. Healing [00:12:00] from these types of relationships have to include the body. Because you have been in a dysregulated state for so long, I'm sure you feel like you have been living in survival on some level.

Women tell me all the time, I, I need to stop surviving. I need to get back to living my life. So if you have been in that dysregulated state for so long, there has to be some tending and reregulation in teaching the body how to find safety within yourself. That is the work, that is the work that will feel different than work that you may have done in the past, and the work that will actually help you find that freedom from him so that you're not still waking up at 2:00 AM missing someone that you know you shouldn't want.

I really empower you to stop relying on him to fix the pain

and start building the tools within yourself so that you can become a woman who's not reliant on him needing to do anything to make you feel better.

And if you need some support [00:13:00] and some help getting there, that is my passion in this world, is to help women detach emotionally from this narcissistic, hellish rollercoaster that you've been on. And the first step for you would be to go the show notes.

Schedule a time for an intro session on my calendar and we will connect and talk through everything that's happening where you wanna go and help make a specific plan to get there.

Let's untether you for good. Okay. Lastly, we're pulling an Oracle card. Oh my gosh, that came out quick. The card is the guides, so I'm going to find the guides in the book and read to you what it says. You are not alone. You're surrounded by the guides, angels, friends, supporters, and champions. All you need to do is open the door of your heart, ask for help, whisper your prayer, and they will appear.

Not because they have to, but because they want to. They're simply waiting for the invitation, asking for [00:14:00] their support. Help, or guidance is the key that unlocks the door to manifestation. If you're feeling alone and disheartened know that this card signals it's time to reach out. To be vulnerable, to ask for what you need and desire.

Your guides are standing at the ready. Allow yourself to fall into their collective embrace and notice synchronicities start to show up. Hmm, just as important as it is to be supported in the physical realm, and perhaps by scheduling your intro session to help with that support. Leaning on on the realm that we can't see, right?

What this card speaks to, the guides, the angels, the signs, the universe, the bigger power, whatever it is that you believe in, starting to lean on that. Lean on something to help support you as you make a really big move in your life, as you re-pattern an entire nervous system as you let go of someone who's held a specific place in your life and in your heart.

It's all really, really deep and [00:15:00] powerful and important work, and we need all the support we can get. So until I see you in that intro session or in the next episode, please, please, please know that you are not alone