Today I want to talk about a topic that is very dear

to my heart, because I see at times clients struggle so much

with being in denial about it. And no matter how much I or

their friends and families are trying to convince him, hey,

something is not okay, you really should look at that. They

are just putting their blinders on headfirst saying no, you have

no idea what you're talking about, this is my life, I gotta

make my decisions. And unfortunately, they are digging

themselves more and more into a hole that often ends up in

complete depression, anxiety, low self esteem. And what I'm

talking about is the question that you may want to ask

yourself, and maybe you did, but you haven't really been willing

to go further or explore it, which is, are you in an abusive

relationship? And if so, are you in denial about it, because you

really don't want to address that issue. See, being an

abusive relationship, maybe a taboo, because it makes you feel

like you made a mistake, you may feel like, well, maybe I'm just

making it up. Or it makes you feel like a victim, and who

likes to be a victim, especially a victim of the person that

you're supposed to be in a loving, supportive connection

with. So there is a lot of confusion, an inner conflict

about even thinking that you are abused, that makes you rather

avoid it and go day to day trying to keep the peace trying

to somehow make it better, rather than really saying, Hey,

this is not okay. So today, I want to simply talk about what

are the signs that you may be in an abusive relationship? How do

you talk yourself constantly out of addressing the issue? And if

you actually will finally say, Yes, I need to really admit to

myself, this is an abusive relationship. What can you do to

deal with it?

Starting with an abusive relationship is not usually what

happens. Most people start pretty happy. That's how we

connect, there is love, there is romance, there's passion, There

is chemistry, all the good stuff. But at some point, you

come down from cloud nine, and reality sinks in, and maybe

behavior changes. Now, most of us probably would agree that

physical abuse is something that's cut and dry, not

acceptable. Let's get out of here. But even there, when

people are victims of physical abuse, more often than not, they

simply accept it. Now it's an outlier. Or it only happens when

this and this goes wrong, the stress or the environment, or

it's Friday evening, and the threshold of acceptable gets

just pushed further and further out, just like the frog in the

slowly boiling water. You know, people don't jump out

necessarily just because. And so unfortunately, that abuse

continues. And what it does to a person, which is a complete

undermining of self worth, and confidence, erodes even the

strength to eventually leave the relationship. I have seen so

many people that left only when the physical abuse was

transferred to the children, especially women. Then when it

was about somebody else, when it was about the mother instinct,

protecting the little ones. Finally, the line in the sand

was drawn, but before for the sake of the children, often, it

was a key to just be that punching bag for a raging man,

because it's still better than starting on your own. Now,

emotional abuse is even more, you know, confusing and

insidious because it's not often very clear. When does the abuse

actually start? Now, as a rule of thumb, I would suggest that

you know that you're abused when you're continuously feeling

disrespected, unsafe and controlled. And when that is

something of a normal for you now to walk on eggshells to

always wonder if you are going into a battlefield if you get

yelled at, out of the blue, if you feel that more and more,

there is the sense that everything is circling around

that person, your whole thinking how you act, what you're doing

what you're allowed to do. They're very high chances that

you are in an abusive relationship. But it may say

have started really slowly, maybe just like, you know, sugar

coated criticism, sarcasm, some snide remarks that are

undercutting and, and hurtful. And at the beginning, it's

confusing, you know, you the beginning of the relationship,

you got compliments and roses, and all sudden, I'd say you look

in the mirror and want to just, you know, appear pretty. And

then you hear this? Well, I think you're really vain you

spend way too much time looking at yourself. Or you have this

great idea of starting an Instagram account and your

partner says you're too old, you're not hot enough. No one is

interested in what you have to say. And you say, Why do you say

that? What so you know what's in your mind, and your partner just

responds. While I'm just honest, I don't want to set you up for

disappointment. This is not here to hurt you. I just like to be

authentic. And this happens more and more. And you notice that

you become more and more insecure, not really sure how to

deal with it, because it's so out of what you would do to

them.

You may also notice that there is greater disregarding of your

boundaries, let's say you live together. But somehow you have

no space for yourself. Everything that you do can be

interrupted by a question or by some kind of, hey, I want your

attention. When you meditate. When you read a book, when you

call someone, there is always your partner somehow no barging

in? And you cannot say no. You also notice that there is a

greater sense of neediness, you know, let's say you want to see

your friends, you have been doing this for years, once a

week or your parents on the weekend and and your partner

gets more and more upset about it. Why do you have to spend so

much time with other people? Am I not enough? Shouldn't we spend

all the time together? Isn't that what love is about? I want

to spend time with you, you are the most important person in my

life? Why should I not be that for you. So it's a mixture of

shaming and guilt tripping, that makes you once again, somehow

wonder if you do something wrong, if you really are not

capable of loving enough, if you shouldn't just give more to the

relationship. After all, it's fairly new, you have seen your

parents for so many years. And you make concessions, you make

compromises. And eventually you give in, you just see your

friends only once a month, or maybe just resort to calling

them instead of seeing them. Your parents, you know, just

become an affair for the holidays, and you focus more and

more your energy on your loved one, the person that seems to be

so interested in you. You give up on your hobbies, you feel

even like No, I shouldn't spend so much time on my career,

that's really selfish. I should rather focus on the hobbies that

they want to do and maybe work less because you know, it's

something that's more important to really, really deepen that

relationship. What you notice also is a greater neediness and

neediness that requires your attention. It say, you know

there is a constant anxiety heard or, or you know, a sadness

in your partner. And it requires you to really put all your

energy into it. And you tell yourself, Oh, it's just the

inner child. That really is very sad. And I want to make sure

that this inner child is taken care of. And you know, your

emotions, your needs are kind of pushed aside because there's

just this really big energy of a one to you to save me that pulls

you in. Maybe just because you already have been always someone

who is a helper, or a pleaser and so it comes natural to you.

Once you are at that stage where you're feeling your energy, your

power, your time goes more and more to that person. The next

step can be that you're trying to assert yourself you're trying

to say you know what, I think I'm not totally equally matched

here, I'm not receiving enough back, I'm giving more. And

you're taught, you're called, while you're way too selfish or

way too sensitive, or you're really egoistic. And so you're

basically when you are expressing what you feel, met

with criticism, and ultimately, a shutdown, you're not supposed

to feel this way, this is not what is right, you are crazy.

And as a result of that, pushing back from your partner, there is

also that withdrawing of love attention storming out of the

house, I don't want to talk to you, you have upset me, and you

feel punished, you feel like a child who has upset the parent

and the parent just sends you up to the room or the parent says,

you know, Don't come near me, you have done something wrong.

And this was withholding of Love feels so painful to you, because

you probably have been suffering from it many times. So now

you're really unsure on how to be an on top of it. There is

this, you know, constant sense of Jekyll and Hyde, where you

come home in a good mood, hoping to have a great evening

together, and you just already feel like, wow, there is Mr.

Hyde, this really browsing person who is upset for whatever

reason, and you are the lightning rod or you are the one

who has to listen to whatever happened horrible at work or

with, you know, in the outside world, and, and basically, the

whole evening is all about that. Or you get yelled at out of the

blue, something that you didn't even do, maybe the cat was too

loud. Or maybe the beer was not cold enough, or whatever this

is, and then you feel again, that something someone is

attacking you, and you are experiencing a mixture of

anxiety, shame, guilt, but also a frustration that never can

really be fully expressed. So you're literally imploding

internally. And that just continues like that. And what

happens is when you are deprived of your normal support system

with your friends and family, when you don't really feel that

you are proud of yourself because you're having you know,

put energy into the career and get some positive affirmation

confidence back from that. Or you're spending time on a hobby

that you love that really uplifts you, when more and more

of your time and energy is about pleasing and appeasing your

partner, when your sense of self is all dependent on whether they

are really happy with you in a good mood, maybe sharing love

with you, or whether they're in a bad mood critical withholding,

you know, just again, in a passive aggressive way, you have

been in an abusive relationship that is encompassing now, pretty

much 80 to 90% of your life. And you would wonder, wow, this is

like an imprisonment, I'm trapped. This feels horrible.

This feels dependent this fields, just, you know, as

something like that suffocating and, you know, pulling life out

of you? Why are you not immediately saying run? I gotta

get out of here. I can't live like this any minute longer.

Why? Because you're making excuses. And you're making

excuses and living in denial. For two reasons. One is that you

are maybe afraid of if you really would leave that you

would have to start from scratch, that you're basically

facing a huge waste of time that you made a mistake, and that

you're going to be single again, everyone's going to look at you

and says, Oh poor thing and you have failed big mistakes. So

you're saying no, I cannot do this to myself.

And maybe you're also afraid of if you would dare to leave, that

you would get punished for it. And that that anger that you

already feel and sometimes also maybe the violence that has been

there gets even worse. So you stay out of that. I need to make

this happen. Because A, maybe it's safer in B, it certainly is

also, for me, maybe something that I, you know, owed to

myself, because I've put already already so much energy and time

into this. So you're making excuses. And those excuses can

be something like, it's your fault, you're just not loving

enough, you're not attentive enough, there is this broken

little part inside of your partner that just needs

nourishing, that needs attention that needs love. And then

everything's going to be fine. Because you're telling yourself

when it's good, it's really good. No one ever loved you, as

much as this person, no one ever understood you as much. And you

do love each other. And you have such a, all over the charts,

energy, it's just so amazing. And the chemistry never had it

before. But of course, you're ignoring and your denial that

this really good part of your relationship only happens 10% of

the time. And then there are these 80% of the time, where

it's pretty much like walking on eggshells, and then 10 and maybe

even more present of a time. It's a war. It's it's a sense of

completely, disaster, chaos, and everything that comes with it.

But you also tell yourself, there's always hope. And maybe

you heard in inspirational talks, or in self help books,

that love should conquer everything. And if you really

love someone, you're sticking with that person, until that

person is whole, incomplete, in that that's what the duty of

love is all about. And maybe you're buying into the story

that you're just too sensitive, that you really have, you know,

a problem with taking everything personally, and you shouldn't,

you should just, you know, keep that something that is your

issue to work on. And once you work on yourself, everything

going to be much, much easier. So you can see that this denial,

even the denial of when people tell you clearly, you know, this

looks to me like a textbook abusive relationship, that

denial that says then you don't know because you're not living

with us. Don't tell me what to do. I know that person better

than anyone. And we're just in this together against the rest

of the world. That denial, unfortunately, prolongs the pain

that you're in, for potentially indefinite, until maybe one day

there is the moment where the straw breaks the camel's back,

which can be unfortunately, physical violence or a form of

abuse that do feel like is no longer acceptable. But until

then, you give your partner a second, a third 100 chains,

because somehow, you cannot really find a way out. Now what

is the way out? The way out is not necessarily saying you know,

I'm out of here and packing my suitcases. I still have Easter,

the way out, it may be for you to start looking at yourself and

finding yourself again, really asking yourself, How did I let

this happen to me? What does it say about how I'm relating to

myself? And everything that is happening to you. You can ask

yourself, do I treat myself the same way? Am I disrespectful to

myself? Am I very conditional to myself, and basically very

rarely saying anything nice to myself?

Am I having high expectations? And give very little back to

myself? What about my boundaries? Do I even have

boundaries with myself? Or do I let everyone simply waltz over

them? And when was the last time I was really kite and was the

last time I put myself first when was the last time I

listened to my body, to my heart to my mind. See a lot of people

that are in abusive relationships don't over only

feel worse about themselves. They also treat themselves

worse. They let themselves go. I just talked the other day to

someone who has been since about six months in sweatpants has

gained 3040 pounds, has a horrible haircut and just feels

in general really, really Low, has no motivation to eat right

to go to the gym to do anything that brings joy because she's so

beaten down by that relationship. And of course, the

worse you feel about yourself, the less motivation, energy or

even power, you have to push against that person who wants to

control you, and wants to put you down, let alone have the

strength to say, I'm going to leave and start something new.

So it's about starting to rebuild that relationship with

yourself with simple things.

Once a client told me, the first step for her to find herself,

again, was to have breakfast, and then take a shower, and then

just get out of the utilitarian clothes and wear something that

she actually liked. And just doing this little routine,

breakfast shower, closing, that made her feel more connected to

herself, and actually focused on herself and could a little bit

tune out that abusive person, she also found like that, wow, I

actually do find a way back to how I used to be before I was in

this relationship. And so then you discover maybe, hey, I have

needs that I completely ignored, maybe the need to go and you

know, get some exercise again, reach out to a friend, again,

just connect to the parents, again, maybe do things that you

know are about your work that you have completely ignored. In

other words, gradually starting to put yourself first. And for

that have an image in your mind, who you used to be and who you

want to be again, because you don't have to be constantly

under the shadow of the person who ultimately wants to own you

and possess you, but doesn't really want to support you or

uplift you. People that are abusive, are often very empty

inside they struggle, there is a lot of pain, there's a lot of

lack of self worth. But they do, unfortunately, use the

relationship to gain a sense of control a sense of belonging, by

force, by squeezing, whatever the person that they're with has

to offer out of them until they are so small, so little, that

they can never leave. And the abusers fear of abandonment, or

fear of being alone is this way, put at ease. Because they know

this person is under my thumb, and will never have the strength

to get away. And once you find yourself more, the abuser will

just challenge you, and will push you and will start again

criticizing you and tell you all the things that deep inside you

know are not true, you're not vain, you're not selfish, when

you take care of yourself, you're not unloving, you do have

the capacity to love. And you showed it over and over again.

Because you were over and over giving this person another

chance you were fighting for the relationship, you were giving so

much compassion, understanding energy into it. And it still was

never enough. So if there's one thing you have proven to

yourself is that you're capable of committing and dedicating

your time and your heart to a relationship, but you also know

that it is about receiving back and you haven't. And therefore,

in order for you to make a stand and say my relationship to

myself has been betrayed. I have abandoned myself by being so

focused on somebody else. And so in denial about how I feel and

what I need, that I need to heal that relationship with myself

first and then go from there. So once you feel better about

yourself gradually, you will also have more strength and more

sense of self to put down boundaries. No, is a full

sentence saying this is not okay. If you do this again, I

don't know that I can do this having really just different

levels of boundaries to establish, again a sense of self

respect. Now maybe your partner will respect you for that. And

maybe this will actually make your partner wake up and realize

wow, maybe I need to shape up maybe I need to do something

about my state of mind. And you know, quite often it can

actually happen that this you respect Acting yourself, you

waking up to your own self worth can be the catalyst for your

partner all of a sudden to say, you know, I can actually see

what an amazing person I'm with, I need to do something to get

help and to heal whatever is really troubled and broken

inside of me. But it's not a guarantee. And it's not

something that you would say, well, that's a reason why I need

to find myself again, it's just maybe an effect. But it may not

be something that will be enough for the person to really feel

it's time to change, very often, they will be more blame, there

will be more judgment, and maybe even more pushing back. So don't

engage, don't go into the conflict, don't try to make the

person even understand where you're coming from. Because you

will not make that happen. You simply need to sometimes simply

walk away, or say, you know that this is something that can

happen maybe one more time, but then you are taking a break, and

really sticking with it. And being in a place where you

understand that you cannot fix them, you cannot heal them, you

cannot make them better. You cannot even be in control for

their emotions. Because you have tried. And what you have found

out is no one is responsible for another person's feelings. And

that's really important. If you feel you're responsible for your

partner to be at ease or feel good. You're taking away too

much on everyone is responsible for their own emotions. And

therefore, when your partner is constantly stressed, needy,

angry, insecure, it is your partner's responsibility to

understand what are the beliefs underneath that? What are the

ruins that I'm carrying around? What are the patterns that get

me there. And it's not yours to be their therapist, or the

person who needs to heal them from maybe past relationship

issues or childhood issues. You're also not to blame. If

someone doesn't want to change. If someone finds that what you

have to offer is not enough. If someone doesn't really see that

your love. And the time that you're spending with that person

is sacred. It's a gift, it's an offering, it's you being willing

to share yourself if that is not enough. You're not to blame if

it's not working out. And no matter how much guilt tripping

happens, you need to remind yourself, I am enough, and I'm

doing my best. And I'm certainly not questioning my ability to

love. I'm not questioning that my love is not enough, maybe

it's not a good match. Maybe we're just not meant to be

together. Maybe this was all happening just for me to be more

clear of what I deserve, what I want, and what I made off, and

to find my power back. So with that something like this will

never happen again.

And there will be a point where you realize I need to let go, I

need to detach, I need to have a way to find the freedom again,

as that what I really am cherishing that independence,

that sense of I am my own person, and I am a choice again,

and not just having a warm body next, so that we can say we have

a belonging or we have a sense of being in a partnership.

Because as we all know, we can be in a relationship and feel

more alone than when we are on our own. See, I grew up with

parents that were ultimately in abusive relationship with each

other. It was mainly my father, who was angry and a times

violent, but my mother didn't help either because she could

also be passive aggressive and, and together, they were

codependent. And I really want it as a child to somehow make it

all better and help them and a times even fix the relationship

by being this constant intermediary, the mediator

between them going back and forth trying to make them

understand each other. And yes, they stay together. But when I

was 18 years old, and my mother for short time left with us,

because it really was too much for her, I was so happy, I felt

like my goodness finally, both have that ability and that

freedom to start in you and have a peace of mind and just finally

don't go through these motions of constant hurting and

undermining each other's sense of self. But my mother didn't

have the strength, my father came back and was begging to

reconcile and, and so that would have happened, the relationship

didn't necessarily improve, maybe it did, once we, the

children left home, and they died still married together. But

deep inside, for both of them, I really wished they had have

experienced more joy, more happiness, and more a sense of

connection and support and intimacy, then they allow each

other to have abusive relationships are not meant to

stay together. Maybe they are these, you know, again,

catalytic connections that somehow help us to get on the

right path. But they're not something that usually work out

unless both are really, really working hard, and taking

responsibility, and ultimately finding their own wholeness, not

from a place of codependency or need, but from a place of desire

to be the best version of themselves for themselves, and

then secondarily, for each other. So if you have been

finding yourself in a relationship that I described,

that just makes you feel more and more alienated from

yourself, when you more and more feel like that, you are

insecure, unloving, unkind to yourself. Remember that the

refocusing to reconnect with yourself to to get in touch with

who you are, and re building that kindness and ultimately,

belief and love in yourself. That is the first step to then

also from a place of greater clarity. Decide what you want to

do with a relationship with the person that you're with. And I

hope that helps. I hope it helps that you understand that it's

not about I have to make a decision to get out or not. It

may simply be for you the understanding that you already

have abandoned yourself. And so arry yeah