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Fear is the devil that lives inside of us during a divorce process. So how do you tell that fear to get out of the way so you can do your damn job? Well, you're gonna find out on this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce.

So I'm gonna give you a little historical quote, first time for everything on this show. So Eleanor Roosevelt was famous for saying do one thing every day that scares you. And that is going to be the antithesis of what we're gonna talk about on this mini episode of our show. So do one thing every day that scares you. The best way for our

Bodies for our nervous systems to calm the fuck down and allow us to function through the fear is evidence that whatever it is that we are scared of isn't going to take us down. We need that evidence of I was scared, I did it, and I'm still here. And better yet, I'm scared, I did it anyway, and

The worst thing didn't happen, and maybe I even succeeded. So that is what you have to do when you are going through a divorce. You've got to think about what are things that I'm really scared of. You write them down. Now I'm not saying you go and tackle those major things, but the way that you build up that confidence is to do other smaller things.

andrea (02:13)

So let's say that you're afraid of talking to strangers. You wouldn't start conquering this fear by walking into a room of 500 people and giving them a speech, or maybe starting a podcast about divorce. You could start this by talking to a barista, ask them how their day is going. And then maybe the next step is you make small talk with another parent at your kid's soccer game. And then maybe you would introduce yourself to a person at a party.

Although for me that's sort of like jumping into the deep end, so maybe don't do that. Each time you do something, your nervous system collects evidence. Wait a second, I thought that this was going to be awful, and I survived.

That is exactly what happens in divorce. You are not trying to convince yourself that you're fearless, you're trying to collect

Evidence that you are capable. Every difficult phone call, every meeting with your attorney, every document that you complete, every boundary that you set, you are teaching your nervous system. I survived so far 100% of the things that I did not think that I could survive. I can survive this too.

andrea (03:28)

It starts to reduce the fear in your mind about the big things, about going up against a very controlling.

spouse against having a scary conversation like your first consultation with an attorney. You have to start doing small things. The other thing that's so important that really calms that part of our brain, the amygdala, is knowledge. Knowledge and information will help us understand what we're afraid of.

In such a profound way. A lot of you know that I suffer from a panic disorder. My panic attacks are absolutely horrible and incredibly scary. I don't talk about them a lot, but I, you know, I still suffer. recently I decided

I wanted to understand what happens more from a physiological standpoint in my body, in hopes that that would reduce the fear of these attacks when they occur. And it's working. It's not a perfect pill, but the more that we get curious, the more that we can learn, the more that you can learn about the divorce process, the more that you can learn, okay, I'm up against this big.

issue with my ex? This is the big problem. The more that you can get curious about, okay, well, let me try to take the fear out of this and look at all of the different options. And let me start turning on the strategic part of my brain and start looking at this as if maybe it's not my divorce. Maybe I'm a neutral person in this. What could all of the players do differently?

To get to this outcome. You're not going to be able to do that all the time. There are going to be times where it's going to feel really, really emotional because guess what? It is your life and it is your kids. But if you can grab those moments where you're like, okay, what would I do if this weren't me? You will be able to see things so much more clearly. We get in our own way.

Of making good decisions. And even if you are not at a point where you have to make a decision, which that's a lot of the divorce process. Those of you who are already in this know it's a lot of waiting. The waiting is hard. The waiting is draining. And our brains start to run with all of these ideas and all of the all of the bad things.

We tend to not daydream about good things when we're waiting. We tend to catastrophize. Well, what if we switched it? What if as soon as we recognized that our brains are running a mile a minute with all of the bad things that could be happening? What if you said to yourself, stop? You know I'm a big fan of saying stop. I am going to think about three crazy good things that can happen.

You are allowed to daydream, my friends. Maybe you daydream that you come into a ton of money. Maybe you daydream that you get this amazing job or this phenomenal promotion, and it makes all of the problems go away. Maybe you dream that your ex gets run over by a Zamboni machine and a freak.

Hockey game accident.

I don't know. You're allowed to dream. The judge cannot call you on the stand and say, but what did you dream about last night, Andrea? Nobody gives a fuck about your dreams. Your brain needs to be lit up in a positive way. My God, when I, before I went through my divorce, I used to daydream about what it would have been like if I would have married a

My boyfriend, ⁓ I think from college or maybe high school. I don't ⁓ I think both. I dreamed about all the old boyfriends. But I totally did. I sat there, was one day in my car, and I my brain just went off into Lava Land

it was great. It was fun and it lit up that part of my brain that calmed the scary part of my brain, that fear.

Center that was telling me all the things like Andrea, you can't do this. Andrea, don't do this. My divorce was so scary at times. And thank God I found ways to quiet that part of my brain. Now, you all know, almost famously, that I made a ton of mistakes. So what I was lacking was the knowledge piece.

And that's why we focus so much on the knowledge piece in this podcast and in our guides and the divorce crash course and in the private community. But it's really important to recognize the other side of this, the mental and emotional stuff, because you could have all the knowledge in the world. But if you can't quiet your brain from telling you terrible things, you're not going to be able to apply it. You got to calm down first, then apply.

the tools.

It is so important that you give your body and your brain the evidence that you can do something that's scary. Don't jump in and tackle the big scary right off the bat. Do small things.

Maybe it's even posting something in in our the private community that you're that maybe you've just been lurking in the group for a while and you've been a little shy and haven't wanted to post something. Post something. Do one small thing.

Every day that scares you, and you will grow. Get the information, get the knowledge that you need, calm that scary part of your brain, and then apply the tools. And my god, give your brain a break. Daydream, even if it's ridiculous, especially if it's ridiculous. That

Is what you need, and that will help you get to the other side of this ocean because it is a marathon, it is not a sprint, and yes, your arms and legs are going to get tired from doggy paddling. That's just the way that it goes. But keep going, you will be just fine, you will be better than fine. We are here for you.

Please listen to other episodes of our show. We are bringing you episodes twice a week these days because we know that it's important to get in your ears as much as possible. I don't want you to suffer the way that I suffered. I don't want your kids to suffer the way that my kids suffered. There is a better way of getting divorced. And that's exactly what we're here to help you do. You have got this, my friends, and we have got you.