[Ambient music]

WINIFRED:

Good morning, evildoers. This is Winifred from HR, here to help your descent into darkness with this guided meditation courtesy of Global Synergy Amalgamated.

Take a moment to find a comfortable position. Maybe on your back with your hands crossed over your chest, or possibly suspended from the rafters by your talons. Dismiss the distractions of the day. Give yourself permission to take this time, to be in the here and now, and to focus on yourself.

Ready? Let’s begin.

Close your eyes or the equivalent, no matter how many you have. And for those of you who still breathe, take a moment to sit with your breath.

Inhale deeply, hold, and then release. Again. Inhale deeply. Hold. Release. Again. Inhale. Hold. Release.. Now, on the inhale, visualize breathing in the suffering of your foes, hold as they grovel and writhe, then exhale any trace of self-doubt or mercy.

Bask in that image. Let it fill you with confidence. Let it fill you with joy.

Now turn your focus to your body. No matter your augmentations, additions, or reanimations, this body is yours, and it is beautiful. Repeat these affirmations.

My bite is strong.

My claws are sharp.

My gaze strikes fear in the hearts of the weak.

My monstrosity is mine. I own it. It is me and I am it and we together are beyond mortal ken.

You are your breath. You are your body. And you are your mind. Turn your attention to the innermost workings of your psyche. Repeat these affirmations.

My will is indominable.

My plans are nefarious.

My rise to power is inevitable.

The inner workings of my mind are hideous to behold, and would slay those weaker than myself. By strength alone, if nothing else, it is my destiny to succeed.

Take a moment to return to yourself. Feel the reality of your physical form. Embrace the aches and pains and the pressure of gravity as fuel for your global ascension.

I’m proud of you for taking time for yourself. This isn’t just good for your professional development, but for your personal growth. Make sure to drink some water or Type O Negative to refresh yourself. After all, health is wealth, and we want you to be wealthy.

Bye-bye now!

Hey y’all. This is Steph. I hope you enjoyed our little bonus meditation.

As we get ready to drop the new season, I wanted to tell you a little bit about the plan for Good Morning Evildoers’ Season Two and beyond.

Not to be melodramatic, but I’ve been thinking a lot about why we do this. Why we listen to audio dramas. Why weirdos like me and your other friends make them. And about what it means to make art in times like these. My friend and fellow Texas horror weirdo Rook Riley recommends Never Say You Can’t Survive by Charlie Jane Anders if you’d like a good read on the subject.

I’m not saying that this silly little podcast is 100 Years of Solitude or To Kill a Mockingbird. Maybe it’s just some escapism on a shitty day. Maybe it’s a ham-fisted critique of corporate oligarchy. Maybe it’s just appealing background noise while you wash your dishes or walk your dog.

But I’m happy to be escapism, or ham-fisted, or appealing background noise for you. Because things right now are grim. Comedian Jackie Kashian says, “Not the end times, just terrible times. Try to help someone if you can.”

So I’m going to do three more seasons of ham-fisted escapism, and then we’ll see where we end up.

Good Morning Evildoers is going to be divided into A+ Seasons and O- Seasons. A+ Seasons, like Season 1, will start on Halloween and run 13 episodes. O- Seasons, like the upcoming Season 2, will start on Midsummer and run 6 episodes. And full disclosure so you can weigh your wants accordingly, A+ Seasons will lean into the comedy, and O- Seasons will lean into the horror.

And since we’re disclosing? I really am proud of you. Even if all you managed to do today is get out of bed long enough to scoop the litter box. I do want you to take time for yourself. I do want you to succeed. And I do believe your bite is strong.

So. See you at Midsummer, friends. We couldn’t be evil without you.