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By now, you've probably learned
about the Polyvagal Theory, how

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your nervous system shifts between
safety, flight, fight and shutdown.

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And now you're asking
yourself, OK, now what?

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You're not alone.

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Understanding why and how your body
reacts the way that it does is really

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useful and it can be validating and
normalizing as a new piece of knowledge.

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But, the real transformation
happens when you apply that

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knowledge to your daily life.

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In this episode and the next four
episodes, I'll give you small,

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actionable things that you can do
to daily apply the Polyvagal Theory.

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By the end of this episode,
you'll better understand the

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polyvagal primary and mixed states.

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And you'll be able to identify which
state you spend the most time in.

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Knowing your state will help you
because you might know what to do

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next based on your state's needs.

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And if you have that, you have a
potential avenue for self regulation.

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Hi, my name is Justin Sonseri.

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I'm a therapist and coach who helps
you live more calmly, confidently and

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connected without psychobabble or woo woo.

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Welcome to Stuck Not Broken.

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You've learned about the Polyvagal
autonomic states, great, but identifying

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them and how they show up in your real
life, that, that might be difficult.

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Especially if you have a hard time
identifying how you feel, if you have

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a hard time recognizing your emotions.

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On top of that, can you identify which
state you spend the most time in?

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Can you spot when your safety state is
active and how much of it is active?

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It's also common to get confused by
these states and how they present.

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Like, the difference between
freeze and shutdown in particular.

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So, I'm going to lead you through all
of the official Polyvagal Primary and

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Mixed States, also, I'll add in another
one which will make complete sense, but

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it's not an official polyvagal mixed
state, though perhaps someday it will be.

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So what I'm going to do is ask you
a question, and then I'm going to

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follow it up with a brief explanation
to help you answer the question.

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Question 1: Do you feel like connecting?

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You might be ready to connect
with your environment, with

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yourself, or with others.

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You would connect to the environment
by mindfully using your senses.

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You would connect with yourself through
mindfully experiencing your inner

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sensations, and you would connect
with others through co-regulation.

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Examples of connecting with the
environment would be things like

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smelling a candle, tasting a peach,
looking out your window at the horizon,

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or maybe there's some rain falling in
your pool that you can sit and watch.

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No matter what it is, you
connect with the environment

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by using your senses mindfully.

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Connecting with yourself could be, or
could look like, noticing what you feel

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when you connect with your environment.

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When you smell a candle, uh,
what does that trigger within?

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How does your body respond when you
taste the peach or look out your window

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at the horizon or at the rainfall?

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Do you feel lighter?

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Is breathing easier?

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Are you more likely to smile?

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Do you want to mobilize or stay
put and expand your mindfulness?

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Connecting with yourself is connecting
with the inner sensations of what it

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is to be you in the present moment.

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You can also connect with yourself
by looking inwards at your emotions

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and mindfully experiencing them.

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But, this includes even
the difficult ones.

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The last way we could
connect is through others.

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Now, connecting with others can look
like hugging, smiling, making eye

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contact, or reaching out to somebody
that you haven't spoken to in a while.

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If you said yes to connecting with the
environment, connecting with yourself,

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or connecting with others, you likely
have lots of safety state activation.

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Congrats.

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That means your body has enough activity
in its ventral vagal pathways to

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open up these avenues for connection.

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In the safety state, You're not only
ready to connect or receive connection,

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but you might also be ready to play
with somebody else, um, relax with

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a book or even work on a project.

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Question 2: Do you feel
like escaping or aggressing?

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So maybe you don't have that connection
impulse that I described earlier.

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Maybe you feel like, or more like,
escaping or being aggressive.

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You might need space.

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Now, leaving a situation directly
provides you with space, right?

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But being aggressive eventually creates
space as the target of your aggression.

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They're likely going to back off.

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It may not be super obvious, but
the lingering impulses to escape

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or to aggress can show up in
other ways, like our emotions and

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our cognitions or our thoughts.

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Some examples of how escape
can show up are nervousness.

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Anxiety, um, thinking of the past,
worrying about the future, like an

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interaction that you had with a coworker
that day or one that's coming up tomorrow.

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And sorry if I just reminded you
about something that's coming up.

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Examples of aggression moving on are
anger, irritability, frustration at

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not attaining a goal, snapping at your
loved ones, apologize if you need to by

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the way, working out in the gym with no
relief, not being able to sleep because

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you're too activated, If any of this
describes you, you would likely have

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enough mobilization with sympathetic
flight or fight activation in it.

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So you, you have some level
of mobility, some level of

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sympathetic flight fight activation.

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Question 3: Do you feel like collapsing?

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Maybe you don't feel like
connecting and maybe you don't

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have the energy to mobilize.

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Instead, you may feel like collapsing.

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Just falling face first onto
your bed and staying there,

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doing nothing but breathing.

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You may feel like you need to be alone
and turn down the stimulation around you.

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The lights are too much, sounds are too
loud, people are overwhelming, and you

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can't handle another responsibility.

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This is a state of disconnection.

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So if this describes you, you
likely have some level of shutdown.

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At the extreme, this could
even look like dissociation.

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This means that your dorsal vagal
pathways, uh, are overly active, probably

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because you have some current or past life
contex- I mean, I don't mean past life.

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I mean, younger life when you were
younger context that you could

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not be safe and could not run
away from and could not fight off.

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Those are the primary states,
safety, flight, fight- both of

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those are sympathetic and shutdown.

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You likely have one of these
primary states dominant in

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your system day in and day out.

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But these polyvagal theory states, these
primary states can mix or combine to

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create mixed states like primary paint
colors mixed to create other colors

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like red and blue mix to create purple.

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Question 4: Do you feel ready
to have fun with someone else?

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So what happens when your safety
state mixes with your flight fight?

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sympathetic activation.

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What happens when you're
mobile, but also connected?

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If you're feeling spontaneous, fun,
or imaginative, and you want to

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share that experience with somebody
else, you're likely in a state

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of play, or mixed state of play.

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Play is mobile, but safe.

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It's flight and fight mixing
with safety, resulting in

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connection with somebody else.

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Um, but also competitiveness,
spontaneity, imagination.

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During play, you're mobile, you're
active with flight and fight, but

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the safety aspect allows you to stay
within the rules of the game, or

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just, you know, general social norms.

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Play feels like fun and excitement, but
it's a shared experience with somebody

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else or multiple multiple people.

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The connection with a safe other
is a really big part of play.

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It's kind of necessary.

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Question 5: Do you feel motivated?

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If you're alone, safety can still mix with
flight and fight, resulting in motivation,

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creativity, exercise, and productivity.

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All of these require energy, right?

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Motivation means you're energized
to complete a task of some kind.

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When you're motivated, you can
be creative and productive.

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Motivation feels confident.

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It feels excited.

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Motivation means you take the mobilization
of flight and fight, and you point it

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in a specific direction, like a painting
that you're working on or a project that

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you want to get done for your business.

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Motivation is not an official
polyvagal mixed state.

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But to me, it seems pretty darn obvious.

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When you remove the variable of co
regulation from play, you can still be

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in safety and you can still be mobilized.

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Motivation has some elements of play,
like the spontaneity and imagination of

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art, or the challenge of improving on a
score, like, like how many bicep curls you

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can do this week compared to last week.

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But motivation lacks the co
regulation from another in play.

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All we're doing is removing that variable.

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Play and motivation are both
safety plus flight fight.

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But what happens when safety mixes
with shutdown with a defensive state?

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When safety and shutdown mix we get
two results one that depends on a safe

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other and one that just needs you to
be alone just like play and motivation.

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When we remove the variable of a safe
other, we still have safety and shutdown

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it just results in something differently.

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Question 6: Do you feel
reflective and mindful?

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Are you curious about your inner world?

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Do you feel connected
with your environment?

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Are you aware of your senses and
how your body responds to them?

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If so, you likely have access to
your mixed state of stillness.

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Stillness is the ability to
immobilize and be okay with it.

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It comes from the connection
of ventral vagal safety and the

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immobility of dorsal vagal shutdown.

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Right now you likely have a mixed state
of stillness or some level of it as

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you lay down or sit down and listen
to me talk in this podcast episode.

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You're in stillness when you can
sit down and reflect on life.

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Uh, when you meditate, when you
go to sleep, or if you, even

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if you stand at your work desk.

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Stillness can be a deep meditative
experience, feeling tiny, but at one with

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the universe and in the present moment.

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But it can also be just sitting
down to use the restroom.

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Both of these require stillness.

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And by the way, if you're mobile
while using the restroom, I would

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argue that you're doing it wrong.

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Uh, and your life might be a lot
easier if you immobilize in stillness.

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Just a life tip.

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Stillness is safety and
shutdown when you're alone.

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But what happens when you introduce
a safe other into the mix?

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Question 7: Do you want to
connect with someone else?

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Do you feel like you could connect
with somebody else right now?

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Like, uh, could you hold them, or look
in their eyes, listen to their feelings,

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or do you feel like you're ready to
receive that and share that with another?

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If so, you may have access
to your intimacy mixed state.

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Intimacy is safety and shutdown
with a co regulative other.

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Intimacy doesn't necessarily refer
to physical intimacy, but it can,

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and it can include that as well.

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Um, like holding hands when
watching a movie or massaging your

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partner at the end of the day.

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Intimacy can also refer to emotional
connection with another, sharing personal

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stories and feelings, and connecting
on a deeper level with a safe other.

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Intimacy isn't the right word for
it, but that safe connection with

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another when immobile is also
necessary for other relationships.

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Even like a therapeutic one, or
a parent holding their child.

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I don't like the word intimacy
for those, but you get the idea.

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The co regulation aspect of intimacy
is huge, just like it is in play.

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If the person you're with is not
projecting safety cues, it's hard to exist

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in the intimacy mixed state with them.

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Uh, maybe impossible.

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Likewise, if you're not neurocepting
safety cues, even though they are

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the other person's projecting them,
it's hard to settle into intimacy.

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So, a safe other is important, but
so is your ability to detect safety

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through neuroception and then to
shift into enough safety for intimacy.

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Play, motivation, stillness, and intimacy
are all mixed states involving safety.

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But what if safety is not a part
of the mixed state equation?

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Question 8: Do you feel out
of control or overwhelmed?

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Do you feel panicky or rageful?

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Are your emotions extraordinarily intense
and you feel like you're losing it?

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You might be in freeze.

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If safety is inactive, you're
left with sympathetic flight

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fight and shutdown immobility.

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Is it possible for the body to
be both immobile and mobile.

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Yeah, that's what freeze is.

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It's both defensive states
active at the same time.

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Freeze is like having your
foot on the accelerator and

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the brake at the same time.

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It's both mobile and immobile.

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The engine's revving and ready to move
the car forward, but the brake is on too.

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Freeze is shutdown plus sympathetic.

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But sympathetic can be flight or
fight, so freeze can be flavored

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more like flight or more like fight.

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You might notice a
difference in your system.

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When flavored more like fight, freeze
shows up as a chronic underlying

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rage that explodes when triggered.

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Or when it's flavored by flight, it
can show up as chronic underlying

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panic that can also trigger
into a full on frozen panic.

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Freeze shows up not just
as anger, but as rage.

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Not just as anxiety, but as panic.

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Not just as stress, but as overwhelm.

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Freeze can also show up in milder
terms, like when your child jumps out

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of their room and yells, scaring you as
you innocently walk down the hallway.

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Question 9: Do you
placate or appease others?

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There are two more polyvagal
mixed states, though I personally

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have some questions around these.

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I will link you to my discussion on
these mixed states in the description.

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The two final mixed states
are appeasement and fawn.

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Both of these are seen when
someone is in an unending, life

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threatening scenario, like a hostage
situation or an abusive household.

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Appeasing is creating a connection
with a life threatening other.

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It's convincing the other
that you're on the same side.

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The connection acts like co regulation
or like a pseudo co regulation and

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it might get the other person, the
captor, to reduce danger enough for the

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captive's needs to be met or maybe even
to potentially escape the situation.

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It is hypothesized that appeasement
is a combination of all the

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Polyvagal primary states, safety,
flight, fight, and shutdown.

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Fawn though, or placating, I like
that word better, is similar, but

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instead of offering pseudo connection
and co regulation, the placater, or

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the fawner, is positioning themselves
as a non threat and submissive.

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They will anticipate the needs of
the dominant other and largely try to

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remain invisible and not cause problems.

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To me, they seem like behavioral
adaptations to a severe and ongoing

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shutdown or freeze mixed state.

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If you put others well being before
your own, you may have some level

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of these mixed states or behaviors.

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Thanks so much for joining
me on Stuck Not Broken.

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I hope this episode has helped you to
identify your current state and what

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state you spend the most time in.

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The Polyvagal Theory is mostly
simple to understand, but

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applying it is not so obvious.

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So I invite you to spend the
next week or so identifying, just

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practice identifying your state.

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You can do so at any given moment
or reflect on your states at the

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end of the day or the next morning
as you sip on a cup of coffee.

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After you do this for a week, check
out tip two in the next episode.

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It's not over.

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We continually build on our knowledge and
our application of the Polyvagal Theory.

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In the next episode, I'm going to be
discussing setting up passive safety cues.

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I have written two books now on the
Polyvagal Theory and what to do with it.

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The first book helps you understand
the theory deeply and apply it

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to yourself without judgment,
without shame, and without blame.

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The next one, book two, helps
you recognize and build safety.

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They're called Stuck Not
Broken, books one and two.

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I know, wild, wild titles.

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I have a link in the description
to learn more about both of these

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books if you are interested.

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Thank you again for joining me.

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Bye.