Hey all! I missed you last week! But I’m back this week with a 2 part series all about Control. This week we’re going to discuss what it looks like to be controlled in a relationship, how it affects us, and how we can heal from it. Next week, we’ll discuss how being controlled causes us to be controlling.

So let’s get to it! Today we’re going to discuss something that so many people of lived through but don’t always have the words for what was actually happening: being controlled in a relationship. Not in a “TV drama” kind of way. In a quiet, everyday kind of way. The kind that chips at you until you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. If you have ever felt like you’ve had to shrink yourself, tiptoe, or constantly manage someone else’s emotions just to feel ok, then this episode is for you!

What does control look like in real life?

Control doesn’t always look like yelling or threats. A lot of the time it’s subtle and slow. It can look like your partner getting upset when you go out without them, even if you’re just seeing a friend. It’s feeling like you have to text them constantly or they’ll get suspicious. It’s canceling plants because you don’t want to deal with their mood. Maybe they criticize your choices - your clothes, your job, your friends - but say it’s just because they care.

Or they shut down emotionally anytime you express a need. Maybe they give you the silent treatment until you apologize… even when you don’t even know what you did wrong.

It can look like

- Having to check in before making a decision - even small ones.

- Being blamed for their stress, their anger, their unhappiness.

- Feeling like you need to ask permission to live your life.

And over time, you start to feel smaller. Quieter. You question your choices. You stop trusting your gut. You’re constantly trying to avoid upsetting them - because when they’re upset, it becomes your problem.

You start losing pieces of yourself. And maybe, deep down, you know something’s off, it’s just not right… but you just can’t name it. Or you do, but the idea of leaving, speaking up, or setting boundaries feels terrifying. Or even dangerous.

That is what real-life control can look like. It’s not always obvious from the outside - but it changes everything on the inside.

Red Flags & Subtle Signs

Her ears some signs you might be in a controlling dynamic - even if you’re not fully sure yet:

- You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

- You start apologizing all the time, even when nothing’s your fault.

- You downplay your own feelings because theirs always take up more space and are more important.

- You hide parts of yourself to avoid conflict.

- You feel like your identity is fading - you’re not even sure who you are without them.

Here are some examples of how that showed up in my life.

I mentioned this before, but me smoking cigarettes. He didn’t like it, it bothered HIM. He thought it was gross. And he called me a “cigarette sucking whore” for smoking.

Visiting family or friends. I always had to give a time frame, how long I was going to be gone. It had to be the least amount of time as possible. There could be NO deviation from the plan. If I didn’t leave exactly when I said I would my phone would blow up asking where I was, what was I doing, when would I be home. Or if he came with me, he would complain the entire time. I had to be by his side the entire time we were there or he would get pissed because “I left him alone”.

Spending money, he could buy anything he wanted and always had some sort of justification for why he should be able to buy it. It was a very rare occasion when I could get something for myself. Even if it was something I needed. The only time it was really acceptable is if we were going to do something “together”. Like start a new exercise plan, or a new diet, things like that. Example, he wanted to get into mountain biking, so we both got brand new bikes. He wanted to get into running, so we both got brand new customized Nike’s. Want to start working out at home, we got a Max 5 Trainer and an infrared sauna. But getting anything for myself for any sort of hobby was a no go 95% of the time.

Anytime he would get upset about something I would wind up apologizing for whatever it was, even if it wasn’t my fault. Dinner was late? I’m sorry. Dinner didn’t taste good? I’m sorry, what else can I make you. You don’t ever cook, eating out is expensive. I’m sorry. We’d go grocery shopping & buy hundreds of dollars worth of food, he would decide he didn’t want to eat any of it & we’d wind up going out to eat anyway. Then the food would go bad. I’m sorry, I had good intentions. And he would say “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

One day we were at a casino, now mind you we had to get ready & drive over an hour to get to it. But we got inside and were there maybe 30 minutes to an hour and he tells me my sweater I’m wearing (it was a pretty Kelly green color) made me look like a leprechaun. On that specific instance, that was my last straw that evening. I left him at the casino, picked up the kids, went home and packed some of our stuff & left to go to my mom’s about 5 hours away. I was done. Long story short, that didn’t last but a couple/few weeks. I had filed for divorce, but he could sell ice to an eskimo and convinced me to drop the divorce and things would get better, he would change.

Every hare brained idea he came up with, new project, new business, I had to be involved in. 100% or I was the bad guy. I didn’t want us to succeed and make money. There was no giving my opinion about it or what I did or didn’t want to do. I just had to go along. For example, on the starting running that I mentioned, I fucking hate running. With a passion. Give me an elliptical machine & I’m all over it, I just hate running. And I don’t like working out/exercising with other people. But he wanted to do it and would make me feel fat and lazy if I didn’t want to do it with him. So I say yes. I wind up being more dedicated than him. Then when I stop, even though he’s not really doing it, I’m the one that sabotaged us not succeeding.

See, control thrives in confusion. It makes you question what is real and what’s not. You might even start blaming yourself, thinking “maybe I’m too sensitive” or “maybe I overreacted.” You’re not & you didn’t. I want you to know: if you feel drained, anxious, or afraid in your own relationship - that’s valid. Your body knows what your mind might not be ready to accept yet.

The Damage It Can Cause

Being in a controlling relationship can change you. It can leave you anxious and on high alert - like you’re ALWAYS waiting for something to go wrong. It can create this deep belief that your needs don’t matter, or that your emotions are a burden. You may have trouble trusting people… or even yourself. You might feel broken, even after the relationship ends. But here’s the truth, you’re not broken, you’re hurt. And that pain is NOT a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of what you have survived. It’s real trauma and it deserves to be acknowledged.

If you’re listening to this and hearing yourself in these words… I want you to know you are not alone. You are NOT crazy. You are NOT “too sensitive.” And you are NOT weak. You have been surviving. And that alone makes you a strong badass!

Ok, up next we’re going to say some words of affirmation that can help you retrain your brain into KNOWING that you are worthy and important.

Stick around, I’ll be right back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for sticking around, I have some words of affirmation for us to say together. When you say these I want you to believe them. Even if you have to fake it til you make it. Try to believe them. And say them often, because the more you say them to yourself the more you will believe them. And you should believe them, because they’re true!

Ok, so let’s get started.

Let’s take 3 deep breaths.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

Now repeat after me, either out loud or to yourself:

I am allowed to take up space.

I am not to blame for someone else’s behavior.

My feelings are valid.

I deserve love that honors and respects me.

I am learning to trust my intuition again.

My voice matters.

I am not crazy - I am awakening.

I see through manipulation with growing clarity.

I am reclaiming the pieces of myself I once gave away.

I am not broken - I was surviving.

I can choose myself without shame.

I forgive myself for the ways I coped in survival.

I am worthy of peace.

I trust myself more every day.

I am no longer silenced.

My needs matter.

I am healing in my own time and in my own way.

I release the lies I was told about who I am.

I am free to be fully, unapologetically me.

I love you.

As you go through your healing process, repeat these to yourself until you believe them. Because you do matter. You are worthy. Your feelings and needs are valid. You are allowed to take up space on this tiny rock sailing through the universe.

In the next episode, I’m going to talk about what happens after you’ve been controlled - how you might start trying to control everything around you just to be safe again. Because I’m there now, still battling, still telling myself it’s ok to be me, to have needs, wants, desires, feelings, and emotions. But in reality, it’s not really safety… It’s just survival by another name. So be sure to listen next week.

So my loves, thank you so very much for listening. I truly appreciate you and hope that you’re finding some healing along the way. And if no one has told you today - I love you. I love you for who you are in this very moment. Please don’t ever think you are unworthy of love, because EVERYONE is worthy of love. And if you don’t think you have anyone to love you, I will love you.

My parting words to you - Have Faith. Give Grace. You ARE Worthy. And…. I love you.