Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm Darlene

Childress. I'm a life and parenting coach, and I'm the host of this podcast.

And I'm back from my 10-week

hiatus of recording new episodes. Over the

past 10 weeks, you have been listening to a

curated list of podcasts from the

archives. Designed to help you stop yelling at your kids.

I called that series the Stop Yelling Series and I

put together a bunch of podcasts from the

archives where you could learn like why you yell, how to stop

yelling, and how to repair after you've yelled.

If you have not listened to that series, you're welcome to like

go back at any time and go through and listen to those

podcast episodes. Okay, so the reason I had taken

a break and a hiatus from recording new episodes is

because I've been working on writing a parenting book that's all about

raising an emotionally healthy kid using connected parenting.

And during the process of writing it, I have realized

that the title of my signature process

that I have created, I've been calling it for the last, I don't know, 5,

7 years, The Calm Mama Process. And while I

was writing the book, I recognized that

in some ways this title of Calm Mama

Process is not fair

to moms because it really

makes it seem like we're the person, the mom is the person

who's supposed to do the parenting and being calm.

And practicing connected parenting. And

meanwhile, what about the father? What about the

dad? And I realized that in some ways,

by titling my parenting philosophy The Calm

Mama Process, I was putting pressure on

moms, on women, to be the person

who's responsible for parenting, and I was alienating

dads in the process.. And I realized that I did

not want to perpetuate these

gender-typical roles and continue to

propagate putting women in the role of the emotional and mental

labor of parenting. That without realizing it,

by naming my parenting philosophy and my

parenting process something that had the word mom in

it would inherently make it hard for men or dads

to connect to the philosophy. And also

maybe make it seem like moms are the ones who are supposed to be calm

and moms are the ones who are supposed to do this parenting process. And

it just seemed too much of a traditional role, and I wasn't comfortable

with it. And I'm really glad that I

recognized that I was

inadvertently, subconsciously perpetuating gender

normative roles and traditional roles in a way that I wasn't comfortable

with. And I decided to rename the Calm Mama

Process and call it the Connected Parenting Process

because in many ways the phrase

Connected Parenting Process is more aligned

with the actual result

of practicing what I called the Calm Mama

Process. So let me explain really quickly the process and then kind of the

switch around with the names. So the Calm Mama process, which is now

the Connected Parenting process, has always been these 4

calm, connect, limit set,

correct. And when you practice those

4 pillars, you raise an emotionally healthy

kid and you are a connected parent. I've

always struggled a little bit like with naming it, and

because there's not really a great name out there to describe what we're

doing here with this parenting philosophy. We have the— we know

it's not permissive, we know it's not authoritarian. The

best language we have is authoritative, but that's kind of a funny thing to

be like, I practice authoritative parenting. It doesn't

really resonate for most of us. When I thought about what

we are actually doing in this parenting philosophy that I

teach and that I have developed is we

are practicing connection in

order to raise an emotionally healthy kid. So

the process, the philosophy, is connected

parenting, and we do that through the 4 pillars of

connected parenting process: calm, connect, limit, set,

correct. And when you practice those pillars, the

result long term is you raise an emotionally healthy

kid.. And I love calling it the Connected

Parenting Process because it's accessible for

every parent. Doesn't matter what, if you're a mom or a dad or a

stepparent or, you know, a bonus parent or whatever

it is, any parent, grandparent even, can

practice connected parenting and do the 4 pillars

of the Connected Parenting Process. So when I

landed on recognizing that what I am titling my philosophy

is connected parenting. That's what this is called that we're doing. I'm going to kind

of explain what that is as well in a second. But what we're doing here

on this podcast and in any program and any coaching thing that I

do, any training I offer, is I am teaching

connected parenting. And the goal of that connected parenting is to

raise an emotionally healthy kid. The

pillars of connected parenting

are calm, connect, limit set, correct. So if you've been

listening to this podcast for a long time, you're like, oh, that's familiar, I know

what that is. I know what calm, connect, limit set, correct are.

That's the 4 basic ingredients of

a whole parenting philosophy. Let me break those down

real quick for those of you who are kind of new or need a refresher.

So calm is connection to self. It's where

the parent connects to themselves. So

in calm, all the tools and strategies and concepts that

I teach under that pillar of calm are all about

you as the parent, your emotional health,

your ability to self-regulate. And when

you are calm, when you are

connected to yourself, when you can coach yourself through your

big feelings, when you can process your negative emotion, when

you can switch your mindset so that you don't get so affected

by your kid's behavior, you will be

calm. Thinking about calm is really important because the rest of the

parenting pillars are hard to access unless you

are regulated. So I always start with calm. Even when I start with like

a new client or a new family, when I start

working with them, I am checking in in the beginning

of how regulated they are, how activated are they

by their child's behavior. So calm is this

like foundational part of connected parenting. It's hard

to do connected parenting unless you are calm.

The second part is connect, which is funny that it's in

the title, but connection is really connecting

your child to themselves. When I think about

emotionally coaching your child, what you're doing is you're teaching

your child the connection between what's going on

inside of them and how they're acting on the outside, and you're

giving them tools to connect how they're behaving to how

they're feeling and then coaching them to

self-regulate. So that's a big part of connected parenting that's different

from traditional parenting. In traditional parenting, we are focused

only on behavior modification. It doesn't matter if the parent is

acting out, is aggressive. We're just focused on how you

act and consequences. In this model, in a

connected parenting model, we are focused on the parent.

Are you calm, right? Are you regulated? We're

focusing on the inside of our child, the feelings

that are underneath the behavior, and we're helping our kids

learn to cope with those emotions.

So that's the connect piece. And then limit set

is really connecting to your

children the expectations of being in your family or

the boundaries that work within your family. So As

a connected parent, you need to have boundaries, you need to

communicate those boundaries, and you need to hold those

boundaries. And you're kind of using boundaries to connect your child

to the world, to helping them understand how the world

works, giving them clear

guidance and, you know, parameters in which their behavior is

okay to within. So in Limit Set, I'm teaching you

how to set limits. So we have Calm, teaching you how

to self-regulate. Connect, teaching you how to emotionally coach your kids so

they can self-regulate. Limit Set, teaching you how to

set boundaries, how to communicate effectively with your children so

that they are starting to make the connection

between the world and themselves. Then

we have correct. So calm, connect, limit,

set, correct. Correct is where you are connecting

your child from their behavior to the impact

of their behavior. So if they fail, they have to

fix it. If they make a mistake, they have to repair that mistake.

We're connecting behavior to consequences. It's

not necessarily consequences themselves that it's not

a behavior modification model. We are trying to connect

the dots for our children in a logical, neutral way that

when you behave this way, it causes these types of

problems. It creates a time problem or an energy

problem or a money problem. So you want your children to start to

connect the dots between their behavior and the

impact of that behavior. So when I thought about the Calm Mama

process and I realized really it's a connected parenting

process. And this is the paradigm that I have been teaching for

the last almost 20 years and really helping

parents understand that we want to be connected to our kids. We

want our kids to be connected to themselves, and we want

our kids to be connected to the world and

work well within the world. When you

have those 4 pillars, of the connected

parenting process, it means you raising an emotionally healthy kid

who turns into an emotionally healthy adult. Woo-hoo! That's all I have

to say. I mean, honestly, it makes me smile so big

to think about the philosophy and

how amazing it is for our children when

they are raised in this model. When you raise your

kids in a connected parenting model, they grow up

to be emotionally healthy. Like, it's

pretty incredible. And having a process when you

are worried, like, am I doing it right? Am I messing up

my kid? Like, what am I supposed to do here? What I want

you to really integrate within yourself is, am I

following the connected parenting process? Have

I— am I calm? Have I connected or

emotionally coached my kid? Have I set a boundary

here? Have I allowed my child to fail and help them fix

that mistake? If you are hitting those markers,

those pillars, pretty regularly in your parenting, you can kind

of relax, which is really what I want for parents is to

not feel like you're never doing it right, that you're always

overwhelmed, and that you have so much like to learn and so much to do.

And it's like, I wanna make it accessible in

your mind, simple in your mind so that it doesn't

feel so overwhelming to parent your children in

this non-traditional way. So that's why when I thought

about Calm Mama Process, I realized that it was

mislabeled. Like it's not a great name because it's, a,

like, say I had a Calm Mama process, I would be wanting to teach you,

like, how to be calm. That would be the only thing. Like, the Calm Mama

process would be the pause break, right? It would be, like, connect

with yourself, align with yourself, label your own emotion,

and then move your body, right? The Calm Mama process is

ultimately the pause break. And if you think about it, you can really kind of

say, like, it's C-A-L-M. Like, that would be

the Calm Mama process, right? Is checking in with yourself when you see—

when you Notice that you're dysregulated, align back with your parenting

goals, which is like being calm, being connected, labeling

your own emotion, like I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm feeling frustrated, I'm

feeling stressed, and then moving your body, managing your emotion

in a healthy way. That is the Calm

Mama process ultimately. But it doesn't, just the phrase

Calm Mama process does not really show you

all the other parts of the parenting philosophy. So

renaming it connected parenting

process will help you remember what you're doing here. Why

are you parenting this way? What's the purpose?

And it is in order to connect with

your child, connect your child within themselves, and connect your child

to the world. We're not focused only on behavior, and

we're not focused only on emotions. This

isn't a feelings-only or a

behavior-only model, right? This is a combined model where

it's not permissive, where it's just, oh, you feel sad, okay, don't clean up

your room. That would be a permissive model. It's not a

traditional model where it's like, you didn't clean up your room, so you're not going

to your friend's house. It's more of

an integrated, connected model where it's like, it makes sense that

you don't feel up to, you know, cleaning your

room. Like, I get it, I understand. And the limit is, in this

family, you can go do stuff with your friends once your room is clean, and

I trust that you can take care of business. That

is a connected model, right? It's not overly permissive,

it's not overly authoritarian.

You are considering emotion, no, but not catering

to emotion. We're not just giving in or giving up because our

child has a big feeling, absolutely not.

We are helping them regulate that emotion and having

a boundary that's firm so that they can kind of

become resilient and emotionally healthy when

they are experiencing hardship, right? And

hardship for a kid is cleaning up their room or doing their homework

or, you know, stopping playing a game or watching a show in order to go

to the grocery store with you. Like, that's their version of hardship. We can have

compassion for their emotion, but their

emotion doesn't excuse them from, you know, behaving in

the way and, and acting the way that works best for,

for you, for the family, for the community. So thinking

about what are we doing here, what are we all about, we're

all about Connected Parenting. The other thing I love

about changing the name, like I said in the beginning, is that I

don't want to be part of anything that

makes it feel like parenting should just be on the woman, that it

should just be on the mother. I don't

want to perpetuate gender normative

roles. I don't want to even subconsciously put out

in the world that Parenting is dependent

on you as the mother being calm. And it's funny

because this podcast is called Become a Calm Mama, and I'm

not inclined to change the name of the podcast. I feel that what

we are doing here, and who typically listens to

this podcast, is moms who find it and listen to it and feel attracted

to the concepts. And everyone's like, yeah, yeah, I want to be

calm. And like, I'm— I love talking to moms. I

love spending time thinking about you and your life

and your challenges and the beauty of being a mom and the hardships

of being a mom. Like, I'm in it. I'm on your team. I'm on

your side. And in that, I don't want to put any pressure on you

that this process, this parenting philosophy

is mom-dependent. Also, I really want

men and dads to feel included in

parenting, and I don't want to do anything

that alienates parents. Like, I've noticed when I

coach dads, which I do all the time, I've loved watching over

the last few years how many couples I coach

where it's two moms or, you know, a mom and a dad, and

that it's couples coaching and it's really cool. But then when I say

to a man who doesn't identify as a mom, I'm like, oh, this

is the Calm Mama process, I can feel that there's

a disconnect for that person. And I don't want to be about that

because I want them to have access to this parenting philosophy just

like anybody else. So all that to say is

moving forward on the podcast, I will refer to

the connected parenting process. And I'm

talking about calm, connect, limit,

set, correct. And it is like the Calm Mama

process, that phrase is retired. And I

actually think it was quite tired. I was tired

of it, and I'm tired of putting pressure on moms, and I'm tired

of being part of anything

that like, ugh, just kind of makes it be like it's your responsibility because

you're the mom that you have to parent your kid. Like, I'm just, I'm over

it. I'm tired of it. I'm done. I want to really

talk about parenting in a more holistic way.

And include men and dads

in this philosophy.

Ah, so it's been such a delight to write this book.

It's been way harder than I thought it was going to be. In

my mind, I'd written the book many times because I've taught

these concepts on the podcast, I've done courses, I

have written handbooks. Like, there is a lot of content

that I've created that all connects to the

concepts. But sitting down and writing one narrative and one book,

it's been, you know, it's been challenging for my brain.

I've enjoyed it so much. It's really pushed

me intellectually. It's pushed me as a coach. While I'm coaching

my current client roster, I'm just thinking like, how am I

explaining this? Is this succinct enough? Is this accessible?

I'm hearing there their challenges and their obstacles. And I'm like, oh, I gotta include

that in the book. Like, that would be so good. So I know that when

you get your hands on this book, which who knows, maybe it'll be by, by

the end of 2026, I'm hoping. But when you get your hands on it,

I want you to feel like you do have a handbook for

parenting, that you do have a roadmap, that you

have a plan, and that your partner

is also able to connect to the processes that I

teach and the philosophies and feel aligned

in them. So I'm excited about the book. And I know that

over the next few episodes, I'm probably

going to reintroduce new concepts and flesh them out a little

bit because as I'm writing them, I'm realizing like, oh, this needs to be fine-tuned.

This needs to be explained better. This needs to be more succinct

and, you know, whatever. So I'm excited to share that

with you. Also on the podcast, for those of you who

are regular listeners, there will be more interviews

over the next few months because I've just found

it very interesting to bring on experts

to talk about topics that I know about and

I've taught on the podcast, but maybe hearing

from someone else or just my conversation with that person,

my open up something new for you. So I'm gonna

mix those in. I have been mixing them in all throughout the

podcast, but you're gonna see more of that. You're gonna see, you know, a couple

episodes of me and then an episode of a, of an interview, and it's going

to be a little bit, um, more flowy

like that. So, um, I hope you like that. Please let me know if

you like, hate interviews, tell me that. If you love interviews, tell

me that. If you have any particular topic that you want me to

talk about, I am happy to talk about that. I'm

having an episode coming out called Snack Monster. So

kind of getting into some brass tacks about parenting, like how to deal

with snacks, how to deal with like sneaky food and things like that. So

that'll be a fun episode. I have different ones planned, but if you like, if

you want to hear about something, let me know and I will put that

into the rotation. Okay, thanks

for waiting for me for the last 10 episodes, 10

weeks while I've been in this hiatus, and we should be back

in action with brand new content every

week. And so thanks for listening. I hope you have a great week, and

I am excited for you to integrate

the connected parenting process: calm, connect,

limit, set, correct. Same process, new name. And

if any questions, comments, anything like that, please connect with me and I'd

love to hear from you. You can connect with me on Instagram,

you can reply to my emails if you're on my newsletter, anything

like that. All right, mamas, I will talk to you next week.