Hey, guys.

Welcome to the Upside of Grief.

My name is Story, and I am your host.

And my name is Erica and I'm your co host.

And today we are going to be doing one of our segments that we're going to have on the podcast here.

It is called qgds.

What are qgds, Erica?

Qgds Story are questionable grief decisions.

And Story is actually going to share one of hers.

Questionable grief decisions.

So I don't have one in my story necessarily.

Not like I've heard shared before.

But they're basically decisions that you make that are kind of questionable where, like, maybe you may not feel like you're in your quote unquote right mind or you are doing something that maybe people are telling you you shouldn't do, or just any of those kind of like, derailing type of decisions.

And Story is actually going to share one of hers because hers is a big part of her story.

It's great.

It's a whole ass thing.

Yeah.

And I mean, like how you said you're not in your right mind.

Right.

Like, when I made my questionable grief decision, mind you, I have a few.

Oh, a few.

But I'm just gonna share, like.

Okay.

The biggest one, the most questionable one that I think.

The most questionable.

The most questionable.

Okay.

So I just.

I'm just gonna.

Yeah, Dive right in.

Dive right in.

We want to hear it.

Okay.

So when.

It was about four months after my husband passed and I was in a constant state of disassociation and pretty much like not living inside of my own body is how I look at it.

I thought that the best thing for me at that time was that I needed a baby.

A baby, like, to birth a human and take care of them.

Yeah, when you.

Damn.

When you put it like that, yes, very much so.

And I was in no place to be doing that.

I was not.

I didn't have a job, I was in school, but I had no source of income.

I have no family here.

But in my head, I was like, I'll figure it out.

I always figure it out.

So who is the lucky donor?

So is my friend.

Questionable friend, but still my friend.

Yeah, we're all human.

Anyways, I went over to his house and we were hanging out and I said, I need to talk to you about something.

I want to ask you something.

And he was like, okay, what's up?

And I said, I think we should go under the covers.

And he's like, oh, this is serious.

I was like, yeah.

So we get under the covers and he's like, what's up?

And I said, I feel like, you know what?

I'm gonna ask you.

And he straight up looked at me and he said, are we talking about babies?

He just said that?

That's what came out of his mouth.

Mind reader.

Yeah.

I was like, yes.

He felt the baby wanting energy off of you.

That's how.

That's.

That's what we're talking about.

And so I said, but listen, I don't want a relationship.

I'm not looking for a baby daddy.

I think, like, quote, not looking for a baby daddy, just looking for a baby.

And he said, so wait, like, I can't be a part of the kid's life.

I said, listen, I mean, you can if you want to, but I'm not asking you to do that.

You be there as much or as little as you want to.

I just want a baby.

And, like, looking back at that now, it's really kind of like a selfish decision, you know, like, financially but questionable.

Yeah, questionable.

I think it really stems from, you know, that unconditional love that.

That I no longer had.

And this was my solution because in that time of my grief, I wouldn't say that I wanted to die, but I didn't feel like I had anything to live for.

And I was kind of just like.

Like, kind of what I said a second ago, like, living not in my body.

I don't know what the fuck I said, but I was.

I don't know, I was like.

It wasn't like watching myself live, but, like, it's very hard to explain.

Almost like a sims.

Like, you're like, I'm gonna make this decision for them next, and maybe it'll turn out okay.

Yeah, yeah, pretty much you're, like, watching.

From above and just controlling your body and.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was very much, like, separated from my soul, if that makes sense.

So it was like, I guess, kind of when you're on autopilot in simple terms, but, like, with really crazy choices.

Right.

So what happened then?

Like, you.

Did you.

Did you get pregnant?

Did you have a baby?

I did.

I did not.

Okay.

Which now, looking at it, I'm like, that.

Thank God, right?

And I'm still friends with this person.

And we can laugh about it now where I'll be like, you remember that one time when we were trying to have a baby?

Because I thought that was what I needed.

Well, thank you so much for supporting me through that.

But I'm really glad that it didn't happen and we laugh about it now because.

Yeah, I don't know, it's just something.

Something that happened.

And so, like, what did you do, though?

Like, did you, like, how, how did that go about, like, do you guys just like, you know, you went under the covers and you made this agreement, this verbal contract with each other and then what happened?

Like, so then like I was taking ovulation tests, I was tracking it, like.

We were doing the whole thing.

You're like, expectant mom duties.

I have a checklist.

Like, these are the things I need to do.

All of it.

We did it for about four months and I wasn't getting pregnant, so then I thought something was wrong with me.

I went to the doctor.

Like, I went and got ultrasounds to make sure, like, everything was okay.

Like, I went through this whole ass process and turns out I'm fine.

But the universe did not fucking will that for me at that time.

Yeah, it sounds like you were.

It just wasn't meant to be at that time.

Yeah.

And that's okay.

Yeah.

But I don't know, like, the people in my life, they did support me through it because I think too, it's like, how do you not support somebody through.

I mean, even like, there's things that happen in life that it's like, okay, like, you know, somebody's making like a questionable decision, but like, they're also like going through some fucked up shit right now.

And like, how do you be like.

Yeah, it's kind of hard to balance, like, how do you support somebody like that?

Because like, maybe in your mind, you know, or think that they are spiraling because of their grief.

So how do you tell them, like, you're fucking up or how do you be supportive in a loving way and just be there for them and just let them fuck around and find out?

I mean, I feel like that's kind of what you have to do.

And actually, so I remember I had a conversation with my mom is she had just recently come back into my life at that time and she had come to visit me in California.

Well, it turns out that one of the times that she had when she had come to visit me, I was also like ovulating at that time.

So I was like, like, my mom's visiting, but like, I have my baby appointment.

I have my baby appointment.

I need to go take care of business.

But like, I also had a curfew and like all this stuff and.

Why'd you have a curfew?

As I was on probation, but so we had like, we had went to fit camp to like go work out one night and One of my friends was there from San Diego, and my mom was tired, so she was like, dropped me off at the place in North County, San Diego.

And I was like, okay.

And then I will drive down to, like, San Diego proper, drop my friend off, and then I'll come back.

So in my head, I'm like.

And I'm also gonna stop and, like, do my thing.

And my mom knew that I was trying to conceive a child at this time, but she was supportive.

But I didn't feel like she was fully supportive, so I didn't tell her that that's what I was doing.

And so, you know, all of a sudden, it's like an hour and a half.

An hour and 45 minutes passed by, and she's like, where is she?

And so I'm over at this guy's house down in San Diego proper, and.

And she's calling my phone, and I'm like.

I was like.

Like, I was almost done, but I'm like, I can't answer the phone right at this second, you know?

And then I, like, felt bad, you know, so I'd, like, hurry up and leave, get in the car.

And then I call my mom, and I'm like, hey.

Like, I'm on my way back.

And she's like, what's going on?

And I was like, I stopped, and I. I stopped at my friend's house.

Like, I'm.

I'm on my way, and I'm ovulating.

Pretty much.

And so the next morning, you know, we had a conversation about it.

And, you know, I said, hey, like, I wasn't trying to, like, worry you, because, you know, like, I said, we were kind of, like, rebuilding our relationship at that point.

So she was, like, concerned about, like, what I was doing.

And, you know, I just said, I didn't share with you last night where I was going, because I don't feel like you fully support me.

Like, I know you say you do, but I don't feel that.

And I was, like, tearing up, and my mom sat down on the bed next to me, and she was like, I will support you with whatever decision you make.

Aw, Mommy.

Right?

And so that was a big thing for me.

That was, like, a really big thing in her and I.

Rebuilding our relationship.

But it's funny, because when I just.

I just saw her recently over the fourth of July, and she didn't remember that conversation that way, and she's like, I don't remember what I said to you, but she's like, do you know how hard it was to support you through that.

I knew what you were doing was not the best decision, but we had just started talking again and I was not about to not support you and be there for you.

Even though I was like, she, her words were like, I knew she was like, this is not, this is not the right thing.

But like, you know, I don't know.

I think that's like, I'm not a parent, so I don't know.

But I imagine that's probably difficult to be like, what's your kid?

Yeah.

Do what they're gonna do.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a good thing for most relationships.

Like you give that person autonomy and they're gonna do what they're gonna do and maybe you can express your opinion lovingly or you can just support them wholeheartedly.

Genuinely.

Yeah, I mean, I, I feel like it goes a long way to do that because even if you express your opinion, like, do you think something's gonna change, you know?

Yeah.

Especially in that mind state.

Because like we talked about at the very beginning of this, you were in a state of dissociation and many people kind of are.

It's like an out of body experience when you go through grief and like, what are you supposed to do?

You're not really who, you're not really yourself anyways right then and there.

But how are you going to react to somebody closest to you saying that they don't support you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's a pretty crazy one story.

And I still want a baby, but now I'm in a better head state.

Mind state.

Okay.

I'm gonna wait until I can afford one on my own.

I'm still gonna go to the.

I'm gonna go to the baby store.

Oh, yeah.

Instead of asking a friend.

You know, I just, I couldn't afford the baby store at that time, so it wasn't like a viable option.

Right.

You're gonna get the brand name baby.

Yeah, pretty much.

Well, thank you so much for sharing that because I feel like when you, you shared parts of that with me and it's really cool to hear like even more like tiny little aspects of it because I feel like we all go through that in some way or another.

I don't have like the big questionable grief decision type of story, but like, I've heard friends and family share stuff like that or even been witness to it, which, yeah, it's really hard to be witness to something like that.

But.

But I feel like what is the biggest thing that you could suggest to people?

Like if you Know, you know, somebody you love, a friend, family member who is going through something, a loss, grief, and you see them making those questionable decisions, like, what would you do?

I feel like you're a really good person to suggest something just because, you know, you've been in those shoes and you're super empathetic.

So what do you think that you could advise people if they notice that a loved one's doing that?

I mean, it's probably not going to be that answer people want, which would be, like, a solution to it.

Because my answer is going to be is I would.

I would support them.

Because what's true for me is that when that was happening, that was very much what I truly believed in my entire being, that that was what I needed, and that was what was best, best for me.

And I was in no place to hear anybody tell me what they thought was best for me with how much, like, anger and sadness and everything in between that was going on.

There was just no way.

And so, yes, I look back at it, I'm glad that it didn't happen.

But I'm also like, it's pretty badass that the people that I do, the people that were there through that, they are all still in my life.

That's amazing.

And they all supported me through it.

Like, they were like, yeah, Baby Story, let's go.

I was like, yeah, baby Story.

Yeah.

You know, and.

And now we all kind of laugh about it.

Now we're like, whew.

I know it's different to, like, future trip, but, like, that actually is super comforting because, like, if that had came to fruition, like, Baby Story would be having babysitters and aunties, and, like, they'd have a family.

So that's actually kind of a. Yeah.

Support people, because, like, they could get through it on their own.

But what if the worst, or, you know, the quote unquote worst, the questionable decision actually came to fruition then.

Then what?

Yeah.

Cutting off a person, especially one that you love, is really hurtful and harmful.

And they were there for you the whole way.

The whole way.

The whole way.

The whole way.

Yep.

Riders for a Baby Story.

Wow.

Okay.

So, yeah, that's a.

That's definitely one of the questionable grief decisions that I feel like it can definitely help other people, too, because this kind of thing is normal.

We are not in our usual headspace.

And it was very real for you.

That's what I heard you just say, like, it was very real for you.

It's not like in your head, you were going like, I know that I'm doing this because I am grieving.

No, that's not what I thought.

Absolutely.

I was like, I need a baby.

Yeah, that's.

That's what I need.

And I wasn't tying it to that.

No.

But I really fully believe that.

And, like, it's so crazy to think about, like, it feels like when that was happening, because, I mean, that was less than two years ago.

And then I think about, like, how I am now, and I'm like, that's so.

I feel like a totally different person.

But I loved that person, too.

Yeah.

You know, she was gonna do shit.

She was gonna have a baby.

She was gonna be bad.

Oh, yeah, she was.

Yeah.

She had a schedule for ovulation and baby making appointment tires.

Like, she was on it.

Yeah.

So.

But anyways, I share it because I want other people to know that they can share these things.

They don't.

You don't have to hide them.

So in a closet away, like it's some taboo thing.

Like, it's normal and we should talk about it because we're all human, like, having a human experience.

And I think a lot of these things get tied to shame and guilt.

And, I mean, if you're fucking grieving, you're already probably having enough of that.

So, like, let's not add more.

Exactly.

Make it a little bit more of a soft landing place for people.

Yeah.

So if you guys have QGDs, we would love to hear them.

Yes.

If you could reach out to us on all of our social media platforms.

If you want to share those moments.

Feel free to comment your QGDS below.

Yes.

We'd love to hear them.

Absolutely.

Well, thank you so much for sharing that with us.

Story.

Absolutely.

It's definitely going to help people.

I hope so.

Yeah.

All right, well, thank you guys so much for tuning in, and we will see you next week.

We'll see you next week.

Love you guys.

Love you.

Bye.

Bye.