Speaker: 00:00:00

When somebody says to me,

I got to stop this habit,

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I've got to break this habit,

the first question I ask them is,

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what are the benefits you're

getting out of doing it?

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Many times on my blog I get

people asking me questions about,

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you know, I've got this habit

that I can't seem to break.

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And no matter what I do,

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I keep doing it and I'm trying to get

it to change and to get it to last and

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I start and for a short period of time,

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it seems to work and then I

go back to my habit again.

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So I'd like to address about how to

break habits and get a lasting change,

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but I'm going to hit it from an angle

that you may not have thought about.

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So if you have something to write with

and write on, that would be great.

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Every decision you make is

based on what you believe,

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consciously or unconsciously,

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is going to give you the greatest

advantage over disadvantage. Now,

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when I first say that,

many people say, well,

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I don't choose to do this action

and I'm trying to stop it,

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and I confront them and say, no,

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consciously or unconsciously,

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you are perceiving that there's more

advantage than disadvantage in doing that

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behavior, or you wouldn't be doing it.

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No one's going to keep doing a behavior

unless they get some advantage out of

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it. Now, I had, I think I may have

shared in another little video

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about a woman who was eating and eating

and eating and eating and couldn't stop

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eating,

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and she was trying to break the habit

of eating 'cause she was gaining weight

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and being obese.

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But when I asked her what's the

benefit she was getting out of it,

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she found out that everybody

in her family was large.

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And if she wasn't large, she didn't

feel like she was part of the family.

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So even though she was consciously

saying, I gotta stop, I got this habit,

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I gotta get rid of it, and get

it to finally stop happening,

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she unconsciously, and we made it

conscious by asking the question,

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what was the benefit she

was getting out of it,

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she had an unconscious benefit

to fit in with her family.

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Then I asked her what's another benefit

she gained from doing this habit that

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she thought she wanted to change? Well,

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she found out that her big sister

was pushing her around and, you know,

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bigger than her and so she made a

commitment that she would always be bigger

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than her sister.

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So she was eating to make sure she

was always bigger than her sister.

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Then she found out,

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when we asked her what was another

benefit why she was keeping this eating

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pattern going, she found out that she,

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when she tried to go on a weight

reduction program and fasted literally,

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and went 45 pounds down

on this radical diet,

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when she lost a bunch of weight,

a guy hit on her, you know,

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showed affection to her. She was

new to the relationship dynamic,

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did not have anybody in her life prior,

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and all of a sudden felt that this

man loved her and she loved him,

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and the first time out and ended up

making love and getting pregnant.

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And then the guy disappeared the next

day. He was a one night stand and she,

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all of a sudden, seven weeks

later, found out she had a baby,

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and now she's sitting in

a Catholic upbringing,

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now with a baby on the way,

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deciding do I have an abortion

or do I not paradox. And anyway,

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this was one of the most traumatic

experiences of her life. And she thought,

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wow, when I lost weight,

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I had this most traumatic

experience. So she was saying to me,

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she's got to break this habit,

she's got to stop eating.

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But on the unconscious level, the

unconscious motives were different.

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The unconscious motives was,

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I don't ever want to go and lose weight

again because that last time I did,

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I ended up having the most traumatic

experience in my life. If I lose weight,

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I won't be part of my family. If I

lose weight, I'll be pushed around.

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So when somebody says

I need to stop a habit,

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the first thing I do is ask them,

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so you wouldn't be doing it if you

weren't getting some advantage out of it,

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so let's find the unconscious motives.

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Let's find an alternative way

of getting those motives met,

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that are viable and that are, you know,

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they will do the same outcome

without having to do that behavior,

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the original behavior.

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And let's stack up those new behaviors

and new viable alternatives to what their

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values are, so they increase

the probably of doing it,

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and then we'll decrease the links between

the original action and their highest

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values and decrease the probability of

doing it. So these are associations,

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neuroplastic associations made in the

brain to be able to change the habit.

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And then once they have an alternative,

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viable alternative way of getting the

same benefits that they're getting

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currently, by doing the habit

they think they want to break,

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and having a viable alternative,

and have it linked to the brain,

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the brain now takes that pathway because

it's more viable than the one before.

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We've stacked up new associations and

benefits of doing it and drawbacks of

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doing the other one. There's

a conditioned reflex.

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And if we stack up pains or

pleasures with something,

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we can decline it or

increase it in our behavior.

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And this is basic Skinner's conditioned

reflexes that have been around and

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Pavlov's conditioned reflexes.

So when somebody says to me,

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I gotta stop this habit,

I've gotta break this habit,

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the first question I ask them is,

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what are the benefits you're getting out

of doing it? And they'll usually say,

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I'm not, that's why I want to stop it.

It's, look, it's causing these problems.

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And I go, I know, I know, I hear that.

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But your actions speak

louder than your words.

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Your words say you want

to break the habit,

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but your actions are showing me that

you're still getting more advantage than

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disadvantage out of it or

you wouldn't be doing it.

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No one's going to do some action that's

not going to give them advantage.

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Even the individual who's

doing drugs and taking opium,

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they wouldn't be doing it if there

wasn't in their mind an assumption that

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there's more advantage than

disadvantage out of doing it.

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And finding out what the advantages are,

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bringing the unconscious

motives conscious,

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is one of the first steps in making a

person aware that they're actually in

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control of this.

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They have the capacity to change it by

the associations they make in the brain.

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Every time you make new associations in

the brain and stack up new pleasures or

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pains or advantages or disadvantages to

a behavior, you can modify the behavior.

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And this has been changed.

That's why if you, you know,

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you ring a bell <laugh> while

you're giving some sort of food and

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you're salivating, the ring of

the bell can make you salivate.

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An old Pavlovian response.

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I've been doing changing behaviors with

people for gosh years, decades now.

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And it's not really that difficult

once you find out what the unconscious

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motives are, because

as long as they don't,

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they'll tell you what they don't want

to do. I had people that'd say, well,

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I need to work out, I

need to change a behavior,

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I'm just sitting around and I'm not

working out. But inside their head,

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there's other things in their life that

are giving them way more advantage that

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they keep doing than

working out in their mind.

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So even though they intellectually

say, I want to go work out,

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and they've injected a value of somebody

that they've looked up to and admired

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and go, oh, I want to do that,

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that doesn't mean anything in the

brain as long as the brain still has

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associations that have more drawbacks

than benefits to the behavior you say you

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want to do,

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and more advantages than disadvantages

out of the thing you say you don't want

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to do. So the first question I ask is,

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what's the benefit you're getting out

of it and what's the motive you get?

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And people don't want to hear that. They

want to, they want to get rid of it.

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<Laugh> and I,

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first thing is I make them aware that

they are consciously or unconsciously

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taking actions that are actually

getting them something they want.

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And unless they find an alternative

way of getting those same actions,

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they're likely to continue. And

if they want a lasting change,

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the advantages of the new behavior

has to be stronger than the behavior,

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the advantages of the behavior that

you're saying you want to change.

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Because as long as it's got more

advantage than disadvantage,

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you're not going to change

it. Now we also have noticed,

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I've noticed people that go and overeat

and overdrink maybe on a weekend,

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and they've noticed that on

Friday night and Saturday night,

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they kind of blow it,

they're out of control. Well,

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that's because they don't have

anything going on on the weekend.

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But on Sunday night they don't blow it

because they've got Monday to go to work.

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If you fill your day with very

high priority, very meaningful,

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very inspiring things, you'd be surprised

how disciplined and organized you are.

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You know, when a woman's about to get

married and the wedding is in two weeks,

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and she wants to get into that nice

wedding dress, she will, you know,

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starve herself almost to get

the weight down, work out,

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do whatever it is to make sure her body

looks the best, she'll get in shape,

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but the night of the wedding, whoa,

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once she's not got that objective of

getting into that dress, that night,

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she'll overeat, she'll

overdrink, she'll party,

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she'll do whatever because she

doesn't have that next inspiring,

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meaningful thing to get up

and go and be disciplined for.

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If you're not filling your day with

high priority things that are very

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meaningful, your life will fill up with

low priority distractions that don't.

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If you're not filling your day with

high priority things that inspire you,

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that challenge you, that are,

you know, you want to tackle,

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something meaningful,

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then you're going to go into your amygdala

and your amygdala's going to want to

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avoid a pain and seek a pleasure.

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And it's going to keep going to things

that are consciously or unconsciously

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pleasureful. And so I don't

go by what people say,

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I go by what their actions are. Their

actions speak louder than their words.

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And when they say, I need to stop

this behavior, I go, well, great,

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as long as you have more

advantage than disadvantage,

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consciously or unconsciously, in

doing it, you're not going to <laugh>.

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So we're going to have to find out

what those unconscious motives are,

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find out the benefits of those,

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then find alternative ways

of getting those benefits,

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stack up the advantages of doing that

alternative until the advantages of that

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outweigh the advantages

of the current behavior.

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And then stack up the drawbacks of the

current behavior that you're wanting to

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change.

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And stack up the drawbacks until that

gets pain associated with it and the other

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gets pleasure associated with it.

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And then your brain will

move in the new direction.

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It'll stack up new associations and go

in the new direction and epigenetically

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alter the nerves and alter the pathways,

the synaptic pathways in the brain.

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So if you go through and stack up enough

advantages of the viable alternative,

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one that you believe will give

you an advantage, a new advantage,

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one that you would like to have, the new

habit, if you will, great, stack it up.

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If you got a big enough

reason for doing it, you will.

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When the why is big enough, the

how's take care of themselves.

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But if you don't have a big enough

reason for doing it, you probably won't.

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So first, identify what the

unconscious motives are.

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Find out what the advantages are and the

unconscious, and there's not just one.

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You know, the lady had 75,

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we found 75 unconscious motives

for her to keep weight on.

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It was amazing what she discovered.

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She also noticed it kept her skin

smoother and people acknowledged her skin.

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It made her, she believed,

was no proof of it,

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that her hair was thicker and shinier

when she ate and kept her weight on.

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I mean, these are things

she had in her brain.

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So as long as she had those advantages

there outweighing the drawbacks,

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she was going to continue to eat.

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But we gave her viable alternatives

and shifted her eating patterns.

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But just know that when you say you want

to stop something and break a habit and

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you want to do something that's

lasting, whatever that alternative is,

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it has to have more

advantages than disadvantages.

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And the the old broken habit that

you want to break has to have more

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disadvantages than advantages, or

you'll keep going back to the pathway.

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So you find out what the

conscious benefits are,

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you find out viable alternatives,

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you find and link those benefits to the

viable alternatives and the drawbacks

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to the original behaviors,

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and your brain starts moving

in the direction of this.

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I've been doing this for decades.

And it works if you work it.

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But most people want to fight it. They

want to, they want to well, I want to,

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there's no benefits to this thing, it's

a bad behavior, I need to get rid of it.

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I know, that's the moral ideas that you

picked up from some outer authority.

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I see this in people that are

thinking I need to do exercise more,

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I need to eat differently or whatever.

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They're comparing themselves to

somebody else that they admire.

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They have a different set of values,

maybe health conscious values,

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and then they're expecting themselves to

live in somebody else's values instead

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of their own.

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They're not aware of what their own

values and their own associations in their

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brain are. And then they go around and

going, I need to stop this behavior,

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and they're beating themselves up because

they think they're doing something

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that's wrong, or unwise.

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Instead of uncovering what the unconscious

motives are and shifting it and

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realizing that they have the power the

whole time. They don't have a weakness.

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It's not some flaw in their system.

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They are just having associations in the

brain creating the behaviors that they

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have. And you have the power to

transform those associations.

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And that's one of the things that I

teach in the Breakthrough Experience

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Program. My signature program, which

I've been doing for 35 years almost.

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That program,

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is showing people how to identify

what those unconscious motives are,

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how to balance out the perceptions,

how to stack up new associations,

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how to take command of your associations

in the brain so you can increase the

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probability of doing the actions that

you are prioritizing in your life.

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Or to honor it. Either go and

do what you really, that you,

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the stacked up new associations so you

can do the new behaviors or honor the

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ones you have.

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And sometimes in the

Breakthrough Experience I have

people that think they want

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to break it until we find

out the unconscious benefits

of it, then they realize,

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no, I really don't want to break it.

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I thought I did because I was comparing

myself to other people and having a

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contrast between me and them and then

judging myself for it instead of honoring

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that, Hey, I found a strategy

that's actually working.

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Some strategies don't need to be fixed.

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They need to be appreciated and they're

useful and they're helping you get a lot

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done. I had a woman one time that

said, I've gained all this weight.

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I don't know what I'm doing here.

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We found out the motives for it

and found out that she almost,

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when she was very thin, she was going

to the gym and she was getting all,

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you know,

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looking hot and the guys were hitting on

her and she was flirting with them and

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she almost had an affair. And the

moment she almost had an affair,

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she started to go, Hmm, that's

dangerous to go to that gym.

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So she stopped going to the

gym, stopped working out,

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putting on a little bit of weight,

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made herself a little frumpy to

not undermine her relationship.

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So even though she said,

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I need to lose weight now and I need

to do this and I need to change my

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behavior,

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she had an unconscious motive to keep the

weight on to make sure she didn't have

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a flirtation and distraction

and undermine her family.

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So don't underestimate unconscious motives

and make them conscious by asking how

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specifically is what I'm doing,

what's the benefit to me?

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And bring those from the

unconscious to the conscious.

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Then come up with viable alternatives.

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Then make the links on the benefits of

the viable alternatives and the drawbacks

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to the original behavior

and you can change it.

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I show people how to do that

in the Breakthrough Experience.

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That's why I want people

to come to Breakthrough.

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There's so many advantages of learning

the method, the Demartini Method,

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how to use values,

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how to stack new associations in the

brains so you can make sure that you can

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transform perception,

decisions and actions in life,

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and take command of your life.

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So I wanted to show you how to

break habits and, if you want to,

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and make a lasting change,

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and you will do something as long as

there's more advantage than disadvantage,

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you'll keep doing it.

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Very traits that you think you're

wanting to break have been a habit,

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because there've been more associations

of advantage over disadvantage without

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you even knowing it.

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So I look forward to seeing you

at the Breakthrough Experience.

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Thank you for joining me today. I

look forward to seeing you next week.

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And just know that you

have the power within,

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you have way more power inside you than

you may have given yourself credit.

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So don't compare yourself to other people.

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Compare your daily actions to your

own highest values and come to the

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Breakthrough Experience so I can

show you how to master your life.

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Look forward to seeing you next week.