Massive Charisma, small talk, charm, likability,  and how to succeed with people, written by

Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton.

There’s something about them.

People with charisma are just so… appealing.

They’re charming, they’re likable and they  somehow make everyone gravitate towards them.

Is it magic?

Is it just a chemistry thing?

If you’ve ever wanted to be that person  in the room with the most magnetic,  

captivating aura, then this book is for you.

When we’re in the presence of charismatic people,  

it can be hard to say precisely  why we’re so bewitched.

Charisma can start to seem like something  that you’re just born with… or not.

But thankfully, this kind of allure is not  some mysterious power that only a few possess.

It’s 100% a social skill that you can practice,  even if you don’t quite see yourself that way now.

Charisma is really a collection of  different behaviors and attitudes  

that radiate a certain very  attractive mindset to others.

We’ll divide our “charisma crash course” into  two main parts in the chapters that follow.

First, you’ll learn how to develop your  own unique brand of charm within yourself.

Then, in part 2, you’ll learn to carry that aura  

out into the world and broadcast  it to those you interact with.

With charisma, you’re more  empathetic, more engaging,  

and a much, much better conversationalist.

You’re interesting and interested.

And because you’re witty and emotionally  intelligent, people like you and trust you.

It’s hard to imagine an area  

of life that isn’t improved with a little  charisma – dating, work, friendships.

Even chatting to strangers at a  bus stop becomes an opportunity  

for winning people over with enchanting banter!

Before we dive in, though, let’s  dispel one misconception - being  

charismatic is NOT about being  loud, extroverted or cocky.

In fact, by the end of this book, the hope is that  you’ll see there are many ways to be charming,  

whether that’s being flashy and larger than life,  or quietly confident and a little mysterious.

A Practical Definition

Conveniently for us, in 2018, researchers  at the University of Toronto studied  

the phenomena of charisma and  developed a working definition.

After studying over 1000 people, the team  concluded that charisma was a mix of two things -

1.

Affability

2.

Influence

Affability broadly means that people are  pleasant to be around and easily approachable.

However you define it – warmth, pleasantness,  

friendliness – this is the quality that  makes you think, “hm, I like this person!”

Influence is defined as leadership potential,  

“presence” and the ability to  influence and persuade people.

Not only did the team discover that it was  actually possible to measure these two traits,  

but also that people were fairly accurate at  rating themselves – i.e. when self-ratings  

were compared to ratings by others,  they were more or less the same.

They created the General Charisma Inventory (GCI),  

which you can basically  complete yourself right now -

Read the following statements and  give yourself a rating from 1 to 5,  

with 1 for “strongly disagree”  and 5 for “strongly agree."

The first three are about influence, while  the latter three are about affability.

I am someone who…

•Has a presence in a room

•Has the ability to influence people

•Knows how to lead a group

•Makes people feel comfortable

•Smiles at people often

•Can get along with anyone

To score, simply add up the ratings for  each, and take that value and divide it by 6.

If you scored over 3.7, you can  consider your charisma above average.

Scored significantly lower than that?

Don’t worry!

It’s not as hard as you might think to work  on these 6 criteria and boost your charm.

Did you score low in  influence, affability or both?

Interestingly, how charismatic you are has nothing  

to do with your personality type or  overall intelligence (it may have  

something to do with whether you’re male  or female, though – more on that later).

So, let’s summarize - charisma is characterized by  the ability to charm, persuade and attract others,  

and it contains two broad traits,  affability and the power to influence.

These two broad traits can be broken  down into 6 smaller characteristics,  

such as presence and good rapport with others.

Let’s take a closer look at the  basic dos and don’ts of charisma.

Being More Influential

Think of a person you consider influential.

What are they like?

Maybe you picture someone like Oprah Winfrey,  

who built a veritable empire for herself,  and influenced millions of people worldwide.

Or maybe you picture Mahatma Gandhi,  

whose non-violent resistance created an aura of  decisiveness so powerful it influenced nations.

Maybe the first person to pop into your mind is  an old-school friend who everybody seemed to love.

Whoever you think of when you hear “influential,”  that person is probably one thing - confident.

Influential people believe in themselves and  communicate the things they’re passionate about,  

so much so that other people feel passionate  and confident about those things, too!

Think of the most famous political  speeches in history and how their  

speakers could transmit their  energy and enthusiasm to the crowd.

It’s not ever about arrogance  or narcissism, though.

Instead, it’s about that person’s presence.

Picture someone walking into a room, head held  high, smile on their face, body language open.

They greet everyone in the room  confidently, and when they speak,  

their voice is sure, crisp and clear.

Immediately, they seem to take up a  certain amount of space in the room.

Compare this to someone who slinks in shyly,  

shoulders slumped, expression of  apprehension all over their face.

Without making eye contact, they  greet one person and then shuffle  

off to a corner somewhere,  speaking quietly, if at all.

It’s obvious - this person  simply takes up less room.

However, taking up more “space” is not just  about being literally larger than life.

People try to cheat with this and wear  outrageous, attention-grabbing clothing  

or speak too loudly – this will catch people’s  attention for a second, but is unlikely to hold it  

if there is no genuine confidence and  gravity in your presence beyond the costume!

We don’t automatically think that loud,  domineering people are confident or charismatic.

This proves that it’s about so much  more than who is making the most noise,  

but a kind of relaxed, open poise that  communicates a deeper level of confidence.

Do this - Before you walk into  a room or start a conversation,  

literally stand tall and stretch  your arms high over your head.

Take deep breaths.

Imagine a light at the center of your chest.

This light is who you are, the best of  you, and what you have to offer the world.

Imagine proudly and courageously shining this  light out when you move around the world,  

with open body language and a smile.

Another option is to visualize – imagine,  

for example, that you’re a proud,  regal lion or even a king or queen.

If you like, remind yourself of your achievements  or of a compliment you’ve been given.

Allow that to guide your posture and demeanor.

One final way to immediately get into this open,  optimistic posture is to imagine that the people  

you’re about to encounter are already your  friends, and that you will be received warmly.

Imagine that you’re meeting old, much-loved  friends who are dying to see you.

Carry that unguarded expectation and  optimism into any new interaction.

Don't do this - If you have a core belief that  certain people or situations are threatening,  

then this attitude will manifest in your  expression, your posture and your voice.

You will transmit an attitude (no matter  how subtle or unconscious) or fearfulness,  

reluctance or hostility – and that will  immediately destroy any chance of charisma.

So, whatever you do, don’t enter into any  

interaction where you’re quietly  thinking, “these people hate me."

This attitude will make you shrivel,  shrink and fold into yourself,  

immediately taking up less space  and losing presence in the room.

In the same vein, try not to inhabit  a mindset of force or desperation.

This can be subtle, but if you are running a  tape in your head that goes don’t let other  

people see how uncomfortable you are,  play it cool, look confident OR ELSE,  

then you are actually going to transmit  that feeling of fear and not a feeling  

of confidence (which, remember, is  characteristically calm, not frantic).

What about influencing others?

Presence is one thing, but to encourage  others to think or do certain things,  

you’ll need to have one important thing - energy.

You have to not only believe  in yourself (confidence,  

taking up space) but believe  in what you’re saying.

If you can genuinely muster enthusiasm  and optimism for your point of view,  

people will be more attracted to it.

If you’re non-committal?

Others will respond in the same lukewarm  way, if they pay attention at all.

Do this - Find your real passion,  and speak fervently about it.

You can’t fake enthusiasm.

People can tell when they’re being manipulated  or advertised to – but they love it when others  

are fired up with their own mission,  and are following their own north star.

They love that enthusiasm so much they  want to follow that north star, too!

Whether you’re trying to get  people to do something or not,  

speak out about what matters to you (even if you  will actually “lose” some people in the process!).

Passionate about animal rights?

About good food?

A sport?

Have you always been zealous about a  particular hobby, interest or view?

Then say so!

At the very least, be bold and confident  in stating what you like and want.

Don’t sit on the fence.

Do you have an unusual preference or opinion?

Share it proudly, without  diluting your true feelings.

Don't do this - “Uh, I don’t  know, what do you think?"

Not very inspiring, right?

Banish these words from your vocabulary.

Even though you might feel that way inside,  don’t second guess or self-doubt out loud.

Charismatic people are relaxed,  confident and sure of themselves.

So, if you portray anxiety, uncertainty  or doubt in the value of your ideas,  

you can expect others to do the same.

One thing to be on guard about  is regurgitating the passion and  

enthusiasm of other people… in  other words, being inauthentic.

Here’s a secret - You don’t have to conform!

If you can genuinely express a unique,  truly original perception that has  

not been heavily influenced by  whatever everyone else thinks,  

you will immediately appear  more interesting and distinct.

Plus, this communicates confidence  and intelligence – because not only  

are you able to think for yourself,  but you are strong enough to convey  

that instead of going along with  convention for the sake of it.

Finally, make a point of not complaining, whining  or expressing dissatisfaction about yourself.

It’s the opposite of inspiring passion.

Here’s another secret - people don’t really  mind if others are wrong or different,  

so long as they are confidently, authentically so!

If your unusual opinion or experience is presented  

respectfully and in the spirit of good  conversation, it will always be better  

received than if you merely parroted  the same old things people always do.

Finally, what about leadership?

If you are confident and can speak  clearly about your passions, then  

you will automatically find yourself  in the position of leading others.

The good news is that there  is really no such thing as  

a “natural” leader – if you have  a compelling and genuine vision,  

and you communicate that well to  others, they will be inspired to follow.

Do this - Speak TO people and not AT them.

What do they value?

What do they want?

How do they make sense of the world?

Speak to your audience’s highest selves.

When you talk to them, communicate so that you  center their perspective, rather than your own.

Make your vision so real  for them they can taste it.

For example, if you’re part of a  committee and you’re trying to get  

people to see the wisdom of a new plan  you’re proposing, you might listen to  

the way they speak and reflect that back to  them, using their words and not your own.

You might adjust how you speak to frame the  plan to align with their values and principles.

“I know that you’re a family man, and you’re  as concerned as I am about child safeguarding.”

Don't do this - Treat people  as objects to be moved.

Force and manipulation might work in  the very short term but ultimately fail.

You may have a brilliant idea,  

but if you force it on others with no  respect for them, they won’t listen.

Avoid appealing to your audience’s  lowest selves – the part of them  

that responds from fear or hate or negativity.

This will not be felt as  influence, but manipulation.

“Well, you have kids.

Wouldn’t you feel really guilty if  you let something bad happen to them?”

Being More Affable

Many politicians are quite  influential… but nobody likes them.

Influence is only half of charisma  – people also need to like you.

Many people who struggle with socializing fail to  

realize the most important part of being  likeable - making other people feel good.

It’s not about getting others  to think you’re great; rather,  

it’s about making sure they feel  comfortable, listened to, and respected.

When people feel that they are liked in this  way, then, as if by magic, they like you.

Being more affable is easy once  you get out of your own head.

The easiest (almost too easy) way to  be more affable is simply to smile.

Smile as often as you can.

Remember that people cannot see into your inner  

experience – they can only see what  you’re broadcasting on your face.

So be aware of your facial muscles  and what they’re communicating.

Check in occasionally and consciously  remind yourself to loosen your jaw,  

unclench your forehead muscles and  gently lift the corners of your mouth.

Do this - You don’t have to  grin from ear to ear constantly.

But encourage yourself to smile more,  

especially if you’re someone who considers  themselves a little pessimistic or grumpy!

How your face moves is a  part of your body language.

You can practice genuine smiles by  thinking of things that make you happy.

It’s a trick photographers use -  they ask their models to imagine  

someone they love, or remember a hilarious moment.

They can’t help but smile or laugh.

A smile doesn’t have to be enormous  

to have an effect – as long as it’s warm  and genuine, it will have an effect.

Making other people feel comfortable  is a big part of affability.

It’s easy to imagine why -

Person A - Good looking, intelligent,  

accomplished, fascinating,  and makes you feel at ease

Person B - Good looking,  intelligent, accomplished,  

fascinating, and makes you feel like garbage

Person A has charisma… person B is just  intimidating, or even an outright bully!

Putting other people at ease takes  emotional intelligence and empathy  

(which we’ll cover at length in a later chapter).

A certain degree of emotional and social maturity  

is required - charismatic people  don’t see social interactions as  

a chance to boast or as a battleground  in which they demolish their opponents.

Rather, they genuinely like other  people and enjoy interacting with them.

Ask yourself honestly, do you  enter conversations with a  

genuine desire to listen to what other people say?

Do you approach other people with curiosity  to learn what they could teach you?

The best way to put other people at ease and make  them comfortable is to pay attention to them.

Listen to what they’re saying (not what you  think they’re saying!) and show that you  

value and respect that perspective, rather  than just barging in to share your own.

You will win people’s trust and  admiration if you treat them with care.

Do this - Remember details.

How do you feel when people don’t spell your name  

right or completely forget what you  told them in detail just yesterday?

Unheard.

A dazzling and interesting person who  barely acknowledges your existence is  

not charismatic – they’re more like  a self-involved diva or celebrity.

Instead, make a point of listening  with care to what you’re told.

Remember facts that people tell you, and  bring them up casually in later conversations.

If you can do this and engage with others as  though they’re genuinely the most fascinating  

person on the planet (in that moment, they  are!), then you will instantly boost your appeal.

Don't do this - Interrupt.

It’s something so easy and so tempting to  do, and it so quickly destroys rapport.

When you interrupt, you’re basically  telling the other person, “What I’m  

saying is more important than what you’re saying."

Obviously, this will not  make them feel comfortable.

Wait a few seconds after they  finish speaking before you speak.

Some of us tend to interrupt  others for purely innocent reasons.

We might get excited about what we’re hearing and,  without thinking, jump in to share our thoughts,  

perhaps even trying to finish the  other person’s sentence for them.

It’s an easy habit to fall into, but just  as easy to be mindful and bite your tongue.

Beware of more subtle forms of interrupting, too.

If you continually change the  topic, ignore what’s been said,  

or deliberately steer the conversation to yourself  over and over again, the effect is the same.

Let go of any conversational agenda and let  

the other person take charge  and steer things for a while.

Finally, charismatic people  get along with everybody.

This is important – they don’t  just get along with those they  

like or those they’re similar to, but everybody.

Two things can help you get on better with people,  whoever they are - optimism and non-judgment.

Charismatic people are positive people.

They’re solution oriented, resilient,  and look on the bright side.

They live in the moment and  are flexible and adaptable.

They see the good in themselves  (self-confidence) but also the good in others.

They see conversations as opportunities  for learning and connection,  

and challenges as invitations to  improve – that is, they’re curious.

If you are constantly negative, you bring an  entirely different energy to interactions.

You have an aura of difficulty, resistance,  opposition, or just plain old dissatisfaction.

Who would be attracted to that?

The truth is that even when we think we’re  saying and doing all the right things,  

our underlying emotional frequency  can still be felt by those around us.

If you add judgment into this  mix, things are even worse.

Do this - Express gratitude often and openly.

Something magical happens when  you demonstrate appreciation,  

and you’ll instantly come across as more positive.

It can be a simple question of saying,  “wow, here comes some beautiful rain!

My garden is going to love  all this water,” instead of  

complaining bitterly about the lack of sunshine.

Even better if you can express gratitude  for the other person, instead of criticism.

Rather than dwelling on how weird  you find someone, say instead,  

“That’s what I love about you,  you’re not like anyone else I know!”

Don't do this - Judge.

That includes yourself!

Avoid gossiping or complaining about others,  

but especially avoid talking  negatively about yourself.

It may seem harmless (some people even  believe that a good gossip session brings  

people together!), but it ultimately makes you  look negative and insecure, and it gives others  

the unconscious feeling that you might apply that  same attitude to everyone else, including them.

Instead, say something constructive or  at the least keep criticisms to yourself.

Ask a question or shine the  light on the other person.

Keep it playful and open-ended.

And there you have it – we have demystified  charisma and pinned it down to six very  

practical, very simple skills you can try  today, in your very next conversation -

1.

Open up your posture and take up space;  assume that people are already your friends

2.

Speak up about your passions  and drop self-doubting language

3.

Address people’s higher selves and their  values to influence and win them over

4.

Use happy memories to encourage  yourself to smile more

5.

Show people you’re paying attention  by remembering conversational details,  

and never interrupt, to put them at ease

6.

Express gratitude rather than criticism  and judgment, to appear more optimistic

As you can see, none of the above require  any magical powers or special talents – with  

a little effort and practice, they can  all be measured, learnt and developed.

Zooming In On Personal Charisma

Ronald east Riggio is the  Henry R. Kravis Professor  

of Leadership and Organizational Psychology  at Claremont McKenna College in California,  

and he’s been studying charisma for decades,  particularly when it comes to leadership.

For Riggio, personal charisma is basically  a complicated mix of social skills that  

allows people to deeply affect others on an  emotional level, primarily using communication.

It’s not just that you possess a group of  nifty skills, but that all the skills come  

together cohesively, making a deep  impact on other people emotionally.

Whether on a social or emotional  level, charismatic people are

1. expressive

2. sensitive to other people’s expression, and

3. able to control both of these masterfully,  according to the context and their own needs

Emotional awareness and social intelligence  are key here, and with enough practice,  

you can bring both skills together  into one big, charming package.

It’s interesting to note that the things we might  associate with charisma (intelligence, being  

“right,” accomplishments, social status, wealth,  attractiveness, etc.) are not what it’s all about.

Let’s look at what Riggio calls the six  foundational building blocks of charisma.

Each is based on how well we  send messages (expressiveness),  

receive them (sensitivity), or control ourselves.

Take careful note how each of these  six can be developed intentionally.

Emotional Expressiveness

You know who isn’t charismatic?

A robot.

Stoic, restrained or emotionless people  may be read as cold and unengaged.

Remember our definition - charisma is  about making an emotional impact on people.

You don’t do that with a  list of rational arguments.

You do that by expressing emotion yourself.

Spontaneously and genuinely express how you feel.

When you’re animated and energetic, you seem  more alive, more intelligent and more engrossing.

When you demonstrate that you can be  moved, that you have an opinion, and that  

you’re dynamic and changeable, you appear  more human and more trustworthy to others.

Do this - To be more expressive… use expressions.

Allow your face to be animated.

As you talk, imagine that all the sound is muted,  

or that your audience is hard of  hearing, and you have to mime a little.

Could an audience guess your meaning  from your facial expression alone?

Communicate with all of your body  – use hand gestures and postures.

If you’re telling a funny story, inject  a dramatic pause before the punchline,  

modulate your voice, and use big, broad gestures  and facial expressions to add color and interest.

Not sure how?

Watch standup comedians with  the sound off and look at how  

they use their bodies to express themselves.

Sometimes, a whole world of  meaning can be communicated by  

a well-timed eyebrow lift or  a single outlandish adjective.

If this seems difficult, one easy trick to  remember is just to be moved by your own story.

If you’re saying something funny,  

laugh and let your face reflect the  joy you have in recounting the tale.

If you’re trying to communicate an astonishing  anecdote, literally pause and let your face  

reflect that amazement – your audience won’t be  able to help going along with you as they listen.

Don't do this - Be boring in your speech.

Instead, use colorful and inventive language.

Don’t rush to get to the end (unconfident  people do this because they’re unconvinced  

they deserve much “airtime”), and don’t  downplay what you’re saying (for example,  

“Oh, so I guess you could say it  was kind of amazing… but anyway…”).

Be a little unexpected and fresh, describe things  in unusual ways, or use unique turns of phrase.

On a related note, steer clear of swearing – not  because it’s vulgar, but because it’s uncreative!

If you must be vulgar, at least  find a novel way to do it…

Emotional Sensitivity

Being a sophisticated communicator is  not just about sending a clear message,  

but receiving other people’s messages, too.

You simply cannot connect with  people emotionally if you don’t  

even know what emotions they’re experiencing.

You need to be able to accurately perceive other  people’s emotions – and respond to what you see.

This is the ability to notice when  you’ve lost someone’s attention,  

when they’re feeling uncomfortable,  or when you’re connecting with them.

In other words, it’s empathy.

In a later chapter, we’ll look more closely  at exactly how to improve empathy skills,  

but for the time being, it’s enough  to know that empathy is nothing more  

than a heightened ability to truly  perceive another person’s reality.

You only need to pay attention.

Truth be told, many of us are bad  at this not because it’s difficult,  

but because we don’t actually take the time to  ask ourselves what the other person is feeling.

Becoming good at “reading  people” takes time and practice.

Do this - Want to know what people feel?

Ask them!

The question alone already communicates a  willingness to empathize, and that’s worth a lot.

It can be very refreshing and  attractive when someone says,  

“Can I just be really honest  with you for a second?"

Ask where they’re at  

emotionally, and then genuinely listen to  the answer you receive, without judgment.

Don't do this - Make assumptions.

Yes, empathy helps you read body language,  but often, no single gesture or expression  

means anything; if you’re talking to  a stranger, it’s difficult to find  

patterns in their behavior since you don’t have a  “baseline” and there’s nothing to compare it to.

It’s easier to just read the room!

Pay close attention to how people  respond to you in the moment,  

before you say or do the next thing.

This stops you from getting carried away in  

a monologue or being insensitive to  your listener’s emotional wavelength.

It also gives you time to  correct faulty assumptions.

Emotional Control

Genuinely charismatic people  are never out of control.

They always seem to be aware of and in command  of themselves, so they never end up losing  

their temper or indulging in emotional  displays they’re later embarrassed about.

But, this is difficult.

How can we be “emotionally expressive”  while also controlling our emotions?

Don’t those contradict?

The truth is that charm and charisma  do contain an element of artifice.

While charisma may be spontaneous  and genuine, it is never unaware.

In other words, charismatic people know how  to turn the charm on and off, as needed.

They know how to “act” to a certain extent,  downplaying certain emotions if necessary.

For example, they can smile and  relax even when they feel nervous,  

and stay quiet when they know it’s no use arguing.

Emotional control allows people to stay  ultra-calm even in the face of insults or chaos.

Do this - Get into the habit  of slowing down to breathe.

We can blurt things without thinking  when we’re flustered or overwhelmed,  

but literally a second or two of deep  breathing can center us and remind us  

that we’re in control of how we handle ourselves.

Pause before you respond  so you can gather yourself.

Don't do this - Get defensive.

Ever.

If you’re ever feeling in  over your head, use humor.

Playfully making fun of the situation or dropping  in an unexpected quip can defuse tension.

Respond to rudeness, mistakes or sudden  setbacks (your own or other’s!) with lightness.

Maintain your emotional “frame”  and remind yourself that nothing  

and nobody can make you feel  or behave in a certain way.

Be less emotionally reactive by just brushing  things off instead of getting flustered by them.

Social Expressiveness

This refers to sociability and being able to  engage and express yourself in social situations.

It could mean holding your own in a social  group, or public speaking with confidence.

Social expressiveness is most  often associated with extroversion,  

but it doesn’t need to be –  even if you’re an introvert,  

it doesn’t mean you can’t articulate  yourself confidently in social situations.

This area may feel challenging for  people who don’t find socializing easy,  

but the good news is that it  improves with consistent practice.

Do this - Yes, it’s true that everyone  says to “be yourself” and act natural,  

but for this social skill, it may work  to do the opposite - act a little.

Watch videos of talk show  hosts, standup comedians,  

actors or public personalities  you admire for their charisma.

Watch what they do and copy them.

Granted, you don’t want to base your entire  identity on this persona, but it can be a great  

way to kick start your own innate charisma  and give you some practice and confidence.

Consider signing up for a public speaking course,  

or joining an improv class, dance  troupe or amateur drama group.

Try standup comedy, an open mic night  or simply speak up more in groups.

You may be petrified at first, but  practice really does make perfect.

Frame the exercise as simply having a  laugh rather than performing perfectly.

You’ll lower the stakes and teach yourself  not to let fear of failure get in the way.

Don't do this - Be a slob, i.e., careless  with how you dress and present yourself.

Much of our communication happens  before we even open our mouths.

Think about what your clothing and  accessories are saying about you,  

and challenge yourself to take a risk and  express your individuality a little more.

It may sound too obvious, but  many amazing conversations have  

been spurred by people wearing  provocative slogan t-shirts!

Social Sensitivity

Just as you can become more masterful in  what you communicate to others and how,  

you can also improve your ability to  read what others are broadcasting.

An impressive person is nice to look at from  afar, but a charismatic person is nice to be with.

When you’re in their presence,  you feel seen and listened to,  

you feel that they’re the most interesting  person you’ve ever met… and also, somehow,  

that you are more interesting than you remember!

It's the difference between watching a perfectly  choreographed dance performance on a stage,  

versus being up close and personal with  a good dancer, who is dancing with us,  

responding spontaneously and  sensitively in every moment.

This ability to feel and respond to people  dynamically is down to social sensitivity.

When people lack this ability, it starts to  feel like you’re both in separate worlds,  

having two conversations that have  nothing to do with each other.

Do this - Practice being sensitive  to overall surroundings and context.

The next time you’re in a new social situation,  

pause and read the situation  before speaking or acting.

What is the “energy” of the room?

If the group shared one broad emotion and  intention at this moment, what would it be?

More practically, what are the social conventions  and cultural assumptions around this gathering?

Watch people.

Devote an hour or so to (unobtrusively)  

observe others passing by, and just  notice what’s going on with them.

Especially try to read their emotions,  

and how those emotions are reflected in  their bodies, faces, voices, everything.

It may sound odd, but meditating  can also make you a better listener,  

which can improve your communication and empathy  skills, which can make you more charismatic.

Often, we rush into conversations with an agenda  or assumptions about who the other person is.

However, if you’re mindful, you can stop and  just look at what is actually in front of you.

Drop your expectations,  

judgments and preconceptions and just  neutrally observe what is happening.

You may find yourself so much  more in tune with others!

Don't do this - Avoid talking about yourself.

Even if you’re not bragging or boasting,  constantly turning the conversation to  

your ideas, your experiences,  and your opinions is boring.

Instead, next time you’re tempted  to say something about yourself,  

deliberately choose to ask  the other person a question.

Most people don’t actually conceal themselves;  

there’s a world of fascinating information  right there, if you only care to ask!

Social Control

Finally, the social role-playing skill that  charismatic people are especially good at,  

which non-charismatic people never  even consider - social control.

This can be difficult to describe, especially to  

people who think of social interaction  in terms of authenticity and honesty.

The truth is, however, that all human  social interaction is deliberate,  

purposeful and rule-bound.

In other words, we all play roles  – even when we’re ourselves!

If you have above-average social control,  

you’re able to skilfully switch roles  depending on the situation and your goals.

You may play up your artistic,  carefree side when on a date,  

but switch to hard-nosed taskmaster  at work, where it matters.

You may be very aware of how others perceive  you, and choose to gently present a particular  

version of yourself to them, according  to what you’re trying to achieve.

Now, for some people, this  skill can look dishonest or  

manipulative – and taken too far, it can be!

But you only need to see  someone who doesn’t possess  

this skill to understand why it’s so important.

Do you know “blunt” people who  insist on speaking their minds  

regardless of social context  or the negative ramifications?

Using a little poise, grace and etiquette is  

actually an intelligent way to control  social situations to your advantage.

Don’t confuse rudeness, roughness or lack  of social awareness with authenticity.

At the same time, don’t assume that  “wearing a mask” is always disingenuous.

Do this - Learn to love small talk.

Many introverts loathe small talk,  and prefer deep, meaty topics.

But this is no different from going on a first  

date and taking your clothes  off before you’ve said hello!

Small talk is not small – it’s  an important, necessary part of  

creating trust and rapport with people, so  that you can build connections over time.

To get good at small talk, just practice more.

Chat to waiters, people in supermarket  lines or the guy on the help line.

Don't do this - Don’t avoid strangers.

Challenge yourself to speak to  new people as often as you can.

Most of us tend to steer clear of  interactions with people we don’t  

know, but they can be a rich source of  insight and practice for social skills.

Don’t worry if you encounter  awkwardness – charismatic  

people are unfazed by this and just keep going!

When you encounter a charismatic person,  they can initially appear to be outside of  

the ordinary somehow, as though they are breaking  the social rules or doing something very radical.

Truthfully, they are playing by the  rules; they’re just playing very well!

People can make the mistake of thinking  that charisma and magnetism are fixed  

personal qualities that belong  to people, like attractiveness.

But really, charisma is relational –  it’s something that emerges in context,  

in conversations and dynamic  interactions with people.

That’s why we cannot be more charismatic by simply  

working on ourselves, for  example, by dressing nicer.

Charisma only happens when we know how to play  

the social game – and that means it’s  not about us but about other people.

Let’s go back to our definition  - a charismatic person is one  

who is likeable, and one who can influence others.

And according to Riggio, they’re people who are  good at impacting others on an emotional level,  

because they know how to express themselves,  

how to perceive others, and  how to control the situation.

How do you compare to this description?

In the next chapter, we will look at  concrete ways to become more charismatic,  

but before we do, let’s take a personal inventory.

In a journal or notebook, try to  answer the following questions  

to pinpoint which areas you most need to work on -

To Measure Your Influence

Do I have presence in a room?

Am I able to persuade,  convince and influence others?

Am I comfortable with and able to lead a group?

To measure your likeability

Do people generally feel comfortable around me?

Do I smile genuinely and often?

Do I get along with all kinds of people?

To measure emotional skills

Am I emotionally expressive?

Am I able to read, listen to and  empathize with the emotions of others?

Am I good at emotional self-regulation, and can  I control my feelings (hiding them if necessary?)

To measure social skills

Am I comfortable expressing myself  in public, such as in groups?

Am I in tune with social rules,  etiquette and cultural contexts?

Do I know how to play a role, wear a  mask and control how others perceive me?

If you answer each of the above honestly,  you’ll start to see a clear picture of  

where you are currently, and get an  idea of what to focus on and improve.

Perhaps you discover that you’re an  emotionally intelligent person with  

enormous empathy and sensitivity, but  you lack confidence in social rules.

Maybe you’re good at leading and inspiring others,  

but miss out because you’re  not likeable – or vice versa!

However you measure up, though,  remember that anyone can be charismatic,  

and by understanding your own unique  strengths and weaknesses in this area,  

you’ve taken a real step towards becoming the  most likeable and magnetic version of yourself!

Summary

•Charming people may seem to possess  a mysterious quality nobody else does,  

but charisma is a knowable set of social and  emotional behaviors that anyone can learn.

•Charisma can be defined as a  blend of likeability and influence.

Charismatics have presence in a room,  can impact and persuade others, can lead,  

but also know how to put people at ease, are  warm, smile often, and get along with anyone.

•Practice taking up more space in a  room, and examine any core beliefs  

that may negatively impact  your posture and expression.

Believe deep down that other  people are not a threat and  

that you have something worthwhile to communicate.

•Speak openly about your passions, and when you  address others, speak to their highest selves.

Smile often and remember the  details of what people tell you.

•Don’t interrupt, judge, complain,  gossip or express negativity.

Instead, express gratitude and optimism.

•Ronald Riggio broke charisma into 3 social  and emotional functions - expressiveness,  

sensitivity to other people’s  expressiveness, and self-control.

•To be more charismatic,  

express yourself emotionally with colorful  language and dynamic facial expressions.

Pay attention to people’s nonverbal expression,  

but don’t be afraid to ask  directly about how others feel.

•To improve emotional control, slow down,  

breathe and become present,  rather than reacting mindlessly.

•Acting and improv can help  you improve social skills,  

and the ability to consciously wear a social mask.

Pay attention to how you’re physically presenting  yourself and dress with care and deliberation.

•Finally, learn to “people watch”  and get into the habit of asking  

more questions instead of talking  about yourself in conversations.

This has been Massive Charisma,  Small Talk, Charm, Likeability,  

and How to Succeed with People, written by  Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton.

Copyright 2023 by Patrick King.  Production Copyright by Patrick King.