"Expectations create a wall to hang all of my disappointments on", let that sink in for a moment. Hey, this is Erica Voell and welcome back to Unfolding. I'm so glad you're here. I am a Decision Mentor and Inner Trust Guide, and I work with smart capable women. Often those in midlife who are stuck in overwhelm and overcommitment. Human design coaching and reiki, I help them trust their inner guidance, understand their unique strengths, that they stop saying yes to what drains them, and build a life that actually feels sustainable and satisfying. My system gives them a grounded plan that works because it's built for how they're designed to operate, so then we can clear the noise. So there are no feels powerful and their yes feels true. Expectations create a wall to hang all of my disappointments on. That's a line I heard today after some really intense breathwork, and it made me pause. And I got this really clear image of all these sticky notes on a wall with all of my disappointments related to these expectations, and it's so true. I've always been one that is really big on expectations for how things will be or how I want them to be. A new job, and I set expectations for myself and the job. And then six months later when things aren't working out the way I wanted, I'm disappointed. Or frustrated. And granted many times there were other factors at play. Many of these jobs were actually not right for me anyway, and I was trying to make it work because it was my escape from another job that had gone sour. But that's another story for another day. The tighter the grip on these expectations, the bigger the disappointments and the bigger the frustrations. I'm sure you can relate. I've heard some people say that they never set goals because they always get disappointed when they don't meet them. I mean, think about how many New Year's resolutions people make that never get fulfilled. I mean, we know that by the middle of February that most people's New Year's resolutions have not been met and people have just given up on them. And I used to be in that camp. I mean, why set myself up for failure, right? And then I started to set some goals and not these crazy, like, I'm gonna lose 30 pounds this year. These were aspirational goals of what I wanted my life to look like in three to five years. Not a five-year plan. I hate hearing about five-year plans because they feel so confining and like you're supposed to follow it step by step with like no freedom. But then I bought this book called The Dragontree Dream Book and Planner. It started to help me see that setting some aspirational goals were actually helpful. These goals were like what I would like to do, but I didn't know the next step. I was just putting it out into the universe. I was writing it down and I was just going to trust because the next step would present itself. And I started answering questions like, if nothing were holding me back with no guilt, no timeline, no fear of disappointing anyone, what would my life feel like? And how would I feel when I wake up in the morning? And what kind of energy do I want to have when I've reached this goal? And what would make me feel proud about myself at the end of the day? And then what rituals or practices could I do that would like support that version of me? These were questions I never would've thought of to ask myself if it hadn't been for that Dreambook and Planner. Something that I just happened to find on Facebook. And amazingly enough, as I wrote these down, things started to come to fruition. Like I had written down that I would love to be a full-time coach at some point, but it was this like nice to have dream or a someday day dream. I never thought it would really come to a reality. And then in 2022 when things started to shift for me during burnout, I started to see, oh, actually this is a possibility for me. So fast forward to this year as I was leaving my library job this spring, I started to develop these ideas of what it would be like to work from home in my business full-time. Every day without having to fit my business into the corners around work and family like I did when I had a full-time job. It was going to be amazing. It was gonna feel so good. I was gonna get so much done and I was going to love my work every single day. Not terrible goals to have. I had ideas of what our summer would look like, but then something started to creep in and it wasn't until my daughter went back to school and I felt disappointed that our summer hadn't been as amazing as I'd hoped. And then it hit me. I had a really intense session with my therapist recently, and I realized what was happening, those expectations I had they weren't being met. And by setting them up, I was actually building a wall, a wall to hang every disappointment on. I hadn't opened the energy up for things to flow and for beautiful things to shift and change. And it's similar to those walls that are built along a river. Think about it. They are very structured. They don't allow for a lot of flow, and yes, that they're built to help protect us from flooding. But in nature, a lot of times we need these gentle banks to allow the water to ebb and flow. And this summer, and as I've become a full-time coach, I was not promised an outcome. I had just made up in my mind and I got so attached to this outcome and this is a pattern I'm noticing that is in my life and it's definitely showing up. Thinking that I'm being clear on what I want and that thinking that that meant I could create the outcome that I wanted, but really what has happened is it's just creates this greater grasp on wanting to control things. So today when I was doing breath work, this message that came through "expectations create a wall to hang all of my disappointments on," and it so clearly reminded me where I have been struggling. I have set so many expectations for myself and for my business, and I have started to build that wall. And these disappointments were actually getting quickly put up, like I said, the sticky notes. I could add a whole bunch of them. But it's a message for me to loosen my grip and not try to set these hard expectations. I can set these aspirational goals for my business for six months from now, but it's a message for me to not be so controlling and to allow more flow and to see what comes, because I've been so attached to these outcomes, I don't think I've allowed this space for things to flow. And also to not plan so tightly that I don't allow the space for what may be asking to shift. There is a lot that I'm noticing is needing to shift because I had held so tightly to these expectations. These disappointments are definitely message that something is not working and sometimes new things need to come through and new needs to come through, and I've been someone who loves to know what the expectations are of me because I'm always worried about disappointing others. It goes back to this feeling that I need to prove my worth and to prove that I'm worthy of love. And I know that that's part of my human design with my open ego center. And when I don't feel like I've met other people's expectations, I feel like I've not only disappointed them, but then I feel really disappointed in myself. And then I start to play back all the things that I could have done differently. So I'm always wanting to know the expectations of what's expected of me because I wanna avoid this sense of disappointment and I also know that setting clear expectations is actually part of having a five in my profile. I have a 5/1 profile, which is a problem solver and investigator. I want others to know that I won't be available to solve all their problems. That is a thing that has been part of my past is that people see that I am this problem-solver, and so then I started to solve problems that didn't feel right for me, and I know it gets projected onto me. So it's really essential for me to set some boundaries, and I used to really love it when people noticed that I could do things, but then those expectations would get placed on me and when I couldn't deliver up to their expectations, or I didn't wanna take on the next project because it didn't feel right, then I could start to feel that there was a fall from grace. And it actually wasn't until I learned about my human design that I realized about those projections on me and those expectations, and then why it had felt so difficult sometimes. So with clients, I try to be really upfront about what they can expect from me because I know it's easy for people to see me as this person that can give them lots of solutions, and I don't want to be the person who solves their problems. Yes, I want to offer practical solutions, but I wanna walk alongside them instead of being seen as the one with the answers. And why not isn't disappointing someone else? Not about letting them down, but maybe just realizing that it wasn't right in the first place. That reframe alone has given me so much peace because it shifts the focus from blame to understanding. And even when it's uncomfortable, having some clearness actually helps us move forward without carrying so much weight. Because those expectations can feel like lead weights on your shoulders. So if you're noticing that some of your expectations are not being met lately, I want you to pause. You're not alone in this. Everyone gets stuck in these expectations. This is something I'm sitting with too, and maybe we don't need to rush to fix it. Maybe we just need to notice it. Maybe it's a sign for us that something is ready to shift. I hope you have a great week, and I wanna leave you with this. What is one expectation you could loosen your grip on today to feel some of that flow, to feel a little bit lighter so that you're not putting another sticky note on that wall of disappointment? Thank you for joining me. And if you want to learn more about your human design, you can grab my free confidence guide, it's linked in the show notes, and then book your free coaching call with me where we'll explore your chart and what's coming up for you right now and see where things are working and where things aren't. And if you enjoy this episode, I would love it if you would tap the sign to follow the show so you don't miss what's coming next. And if you're feeling really generous. 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