Morgan L. Stogsdill (00:00)

We are going to teach you two acronyms that are going to stop you from unraveling when your soon to be ex tries to get under your skin. Get ready, we're about to make your life a whole lot easier on this episode of how not to suck at divorce.

All right, so we're talking about stopping our listeners from unraveling. Andrea, what are your go-to moves when you're about to lose it?

Andrea Rappaport (00:55)

Well, thank you for asking me. I like to shop. I like to shop. Yeah. I like to look at something pretty. That kind of helps me distract. I think, I mean, everyone knows, everybody knows that I lose it from time to time. So I maybe need some better coping skills, but I'll tell you just to be totally real, I like to shop.

Whether that means I wander through a store or I'm looking at something online, that helps me. I also, I like to get myself a treat. Like, and sometimes, and I'm a coffee drinker, as you know very well, and we know that caffeine doesn't always help us. Like it tends to make things worse, but I'm that girl where it's like, well, maybe I need another coffee. Maybe I need a diet Coke and I probably don't.

What do you do to not lose it or when you feel like you're going to?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (01:51)

to move. Like I am a mover. I have to walk even when I don't want to walk because I just want to lay down and scream or kick or just my brain can't function. So it's the walking that does it for me. But I want to tell you a story of something that happened to me recently because we talk about this with our listeners all the time. And the person who was like,

the bad guy, the protagonist or antagonist maybe I should say. Yes, that was me. So let me tell you the story. You ready? So I was a little bit and I stepped back and I was like, my God, I'm doing exactly what I tell our divorced people to watch out for. So this last week, I had some family issues with medical stuff that was not fun or exciting to deal with.

Andrea Rappaport (02:15)

antagonist. ⁓

Mmm, you were the bad girl?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (02:38)

This person that I was dealing with, these medical issues, was not close to me. It was out of state. So we were getting the secondhand ⁓ relaying of what was going on diagnosis-wise and from the doctors and who was saying what, et cetera. And as a person who was getting it secondhand, what did I do? But I kind of replaced my anger of the situation. And I immediately said, well, that doesn't make sense. These doctors don't know what they're talking about. They don't know what they're doing, all these things.

So lo and behold, I go there to try to assess the situation, help out in any way I can. And what I realize is that when I'm talking to the doctors and to the staff, they do know what they're doing. It's just, I wasn't getting all the information and it's so easy to blame when you're not living in this moment in that situation. And it's exactly what we talk about with these people who are going through a divorce and it's the worst time of their life. And they come back and they're stressed and they're upset. And then they tell their family member or

loudmouth Sally from the bar or whoever, what's going on or what their divorce lawyer said. And then all of sudden that person has so many bad things. Well, your divorce lawyer must not know what they're talking about. The judge doesn't know what they're talking about. This is crazy. And so now everyone's so amped up, but if they had just been in that situation and understood what the plan was, everyone would have been more calm.

Andrea Rappaport (03:58)

Yeah, that is exactly what we talk about. And good for you for like being able to step back and say, wait a minute. ⁓ Am I the problem? ⁓

Morgan L. Stogsdill (04:05)

It was me.

I wanted actually to put like a shirt on like, I'm sorry, or I am the problem because I took a step back and I was like, my God, I was so amped up. I was amped up for, know, when you go through stuff like that, you're amped up for a good 24 hours. You're just mad, you're upset, you're stressed. And then you get there and you're like, yeah, what you're doing makes a lot of sense. And I'm the jerk.

Andrea Rappaport (04:28)

So now that we're sharing about our personal lives, I was not prepared to do this, but I'll go there with you. ⁓ We also talk about on this show a lot how you are going to have seasons where things are really hard. A divorce is one of those seasons. And just yesterday, or know what day is it? I don't know. Earlier this week, we released a mini episode. And in that mini episode, I mentioned that

You don't heal during your divorce. You're surviving through the divorce. You're not gonna feel better. You have to get through it. And I am also in a time in my life where I'm not gonna heal. I'm surviving. Things are just not good, right? And I have had this unrealistic expectation that I'm supposed to be getting better right now. And the details of what's going on are not important, but...

just know that I was in my therapy session today and I'm talking about this stuff and I'm like, so what do I do? Like, tell me what to do. What do I do to move through this? My therapist, right, my therapist looks at me and she's like, Andrea, you're literally living in a house that's on fire. All you have to do is just try not to get burned. Like there's nothing that you can, this is hard. And I got so angry and I started crying.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (05:37)

Make it go away.

Andrea Rappaport (05:54)

because that was not what I wanted to hear. And sometimes that's just what it is. And there are little things that you can do to help stop the bleeding. And that's exactly what we're gonna get into today. So no, we don't have a magic wand that we wish we had. And you guys, as soon as we invent that wand, it'll be available on our website. But until we have that wand,

that makes all the pain go away. There are these little tricks and tips of things that you can do to stop the unraveling.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (06:30)

That's right. So we promised you acronyms and that's exactly what you're going to get today. The first one is to help you not emotionally fly off the handle.

Andrea Rappaport (06:38)

That's right, and this first acronym is appropriately named STOP. The S stands for stop. Just stop. You get an email that is inflammatory. You get a text message that is threatening. Stop. Literally, and I talked about this in the mini episode this week, I want you to say the word out loud. Stop. I'm not reacting. Stop. Stop thinking. Stop feeling.

I want you to shut it down. The T of stop stands for temperature. Here's a little tip or trick for you all. When your nervous system is dysregulated, which is what happens when you are flying off the handle, that is a nervous system response. And I'm not gonna get all woo woo on us because you all know that Morgan and I are allergic to woo woo, but there is some, this is science, this is truth. The first thing that brings you back

Do you know what it is, Morgan? Temperature change. The first thing that your nervous system responds to is a change in temperature. Nine times out of 10, it's cold. Nine times out of 10, what you need is ice. It shocks your system and it helps bring you back online. So the T of stop stands for temperature. You can either get ice cold water and hold it in your mouth. You can take ice and put it to your wrist.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (07:32)

What is it?

Andrea Rappaport (07:58)

I have those like ice rollers that we all use on our face to like age backwards, but I just use it on my face just to calm the fuck down. Ice. The T stands for temperature. Take your temperature down immediately. It'll help you. The O stands for OnlyFans. No, I'm just kidding. But what if it did? Follow me. No. Dumb. The O stands for oxygen. You gotta breathe, bitch.

We all hold our breath when we are upset. It is the exact opposite of what we should be doing. But what we do, and you can't see me right now, because this is a podcast, but our shoulders go up and we freeze. Our shoulders go up, we stop breathing, and all we do in our brains is ruminate. Whatever that text message said, whatever that email said, whatever those threats were, it goes round and around and around, and then that threat gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger, right?

You have to stop. You got to take your temperature down and you have to breathe. The way that you breathe is you exhale first. Don't inhale. And here's why. When you are already clenched up like this, you're not going to be able to inhale. So what you have to do is push all of that air out first so that you are forced to bring air back in. Trust me, I am the expert on this. And the P.

It stands for priority is your mental wellbeing right now, not responding to this email. You gotta put off responding to this email for an hour. The vast majority of the time, nothing needs your immediate response. Morgan and I have talked about the fact that scientifically, it takes 20 minutes for your nervous system to reset. So multiply that times three. Take 60 minutes.

You can do this and during those 60 minutes, I want you to stop.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (09:55)

if you're one of those people that just want to respond so fast, lawyers and judges and everyone reading your email can tell when you're just amped up, when they get to you, because it's like a half put together response or a sentence that's just like shot right back. And it kind of looks like you got baited and you fell for it.

And we don't want that. So Andrea is so right. Put off responding for an hour. If you're the type of person that's like, how do I do that? I'm so amped up. Put your phone in a drawer and walk away. I know it's so hard to do, but do it if you need to do it. Because the bottom line is that we don't want you sending something that you regret later that hurts your case, that maybe the judge reads that you're like, ⁓ that's awful. That's the thing is you want to do what's going to help your case. And a lot of times this is the big thing to know.

When they're baiting you on these emails, it's all about control. When you respond fast, it looks like they've got you and they're going to put in their brain, I've got them and I'm gonna keep doing this. So if you take enough time between receiving the email or the message and responding, you even a response is warranted and that's another whole discussion, it will kind of take the control out of what they have going on.

Andrea Rappaport (11:06)

Yep, and now we're gonna move into if a response is warranted. And how do you know if a response is warranted? Somebody, your soon to be ex just sent you a crazy upsetting email or text. How do you know? How can you decipher? Do I need to respond to this in an hour or do I never respond to this? So we're about to give you another acronym and this acronym is the word threat.

because what we're doing here in this episode is we are stopping the threat. How clever is that?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (11:41)

So clever. All right, let's jump into it. The T in threat is for timing. You have to ask yourself when you get that email or that message, does this message actually need a response? And if it does, do I have to respond today? It's so important because nine times out of 10, you do not have to respond immediately. And I would say six times out of 10, you don't need to respond that same day. H of the threat, have some alcohol. I'm just totally kidding.

just trying to lighten things up over here. What it stands for is highlighting the parts of the email that really matter, if any of it really matters. And how would you know if something matters? Well, it's something related that's important to your children, related to medical decisions, ⁓ signing them up for an extracurricular. You want to respond to anything related to the children that shows that you can work together as co-parents. Most of the stuff, if you don't have children financially,

should be going through attorneys. So those should not be discussions that you're having outside of attorneys. All right, threat. The R, redline the parts that are total BS. Get those out of your head. So don't get baited. If you see half of the email is full of nonsense that you know they're just trying to get you amped up, let's remove those from the message when you're reading it. E, emotionless evaluation of the facts. Now this one's really hard.

And here's where I need you to see if there's any validity at what's being thrown at you. You have to take the emotion out of it and ask yourself, is there any truth to what's being said? That's really hard to do, but I need you to take a step back. And I will tell you one thing from a divorce lawyer's standpoint, you will not be able to do this if you are in that emotion state within the first 20 minutes. That's why Indra is telling you for good reason, take an hour.

All right, the A, ask your attorney. I mean, we are here to help you. That is why we are on board is to do our job. But we want you to ask your attorney only if there's merit to the message, which you would know at this point, because we don't want you to waste time or money expending with your attorney if it's a bunch of BS. And finally, the T, take the strategic route. Sometimes that route might look like responding the same day or responding an hour later, but sometimes it doesn't.

And here's an example.

Chad and Brenda, our favorite podcast couple.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (14:11)

So Brenda emails Chad and says, hey Chad, obviously it's my spring break this year with the kids. And guess what? Here's where I'm going to take them and I need to buy tickets right away. And Chad's like, are you serious? You're gonna take them to a war zone? I know it sounds ridiculous right now, but ladies and gentlemen, I have had this issue too many times to count.

Andrea Rappaport (14:31)

Hey, one person's war zone is another person's amusement park. I'm just saying. I, not that I would ever let my kids go to an actual war zone, but I would be more offended if somebody's like, I want to take them to a water park. I'm like, what are you insane?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (14:45)

Exactly. I mean, I make light of it, but I have had cases like this where the person wants to take the kids to a zone that really isn't safe at this point in time in the world. So anyway, Chad's super pissed. He's pissed off for so many reasons. His brain isn't functioning right. That is the time when he needs to use the threat acronym and he does not need to respond immediately. Why? Because he has to get strategic.

This is something that has to be run by his attorneys because there's reasons behind it, especially when when we're talking about a country that might be really dangerous to take the children to. That involves attorney's mind strategy and the law that goes into it. So him firing back quickly could hurt his case, could hurt the ability for him to keep the children here, and Brenda might win.

Andrea Rappaport (15:36)

And you're going to have situations come up where part of that inflammatory language is going to be like, and I need to know by the end of the day today. And I need to know because blah, blah, blah. That's one of those things that I think it's tricky when we're talking about evaluating the facts slash red lighting the bullshit. So Morgan, how would someone know, do they really need to know by the end of the day today or not?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (16:02)

where I would see it happen as if Brenda's like, I'm taking the kids for a spring break. And by the way, the tickets are going up like crazy. So I plan on buying them by the end of the day if I don't hear from you. Now, in that situation, what I would do simply is respond to Brenda and say, I need some more time to think about this and talk to my lawyer. And I would suggest that you don't purchase tickets. Simple as that. Then get the time you need.

Andrea Rappaport (16:25)

But now that we're going to go deep into this scenario, isn't that something that in most parenting agreements, these sort of international travels have to be mutually agreed upon? Like, wouldn't Brenda not have the right to take the kids without Chad's green light?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (16:41)

So it depends on your agreement. Some agreements have different protocols in there that the children shall not travel to certain zones that are level three or four, depending on what kind of level they are in the State Department. But not every agreement has that. So it could just say, OK, Brenda and Chad can take them out of the country with this amount of notice and this itinerary and those kind of things. So that's where it can get a little tricky.

Andrea Rappaport (17:08)

Is that a situation where it's worth the billable hours to shoot that email to your attorney and say, I really need to respond? Like if you said, I don't have an answer right now. Do I really need to respond per my parenting agreement Or is that the kind of thing where you should really figure it out on your own because you're about to get billed?

$750 for something that you could have really easily found out yourself.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (17:35)

Really good question. The first thing I would always say is go to your parenting agreement and read it. Read the section that relates to this and see if there's any ambiguity or anything related to the issue at hand. If there's confusion on the issue at hand, certainly it's worth the money to reach out to your attorney if it's something that's worrying you. maybe it's Mexico and one parent thinks it's safe and the other doesn't,

Go to your agreement and then if you're still upset about it, feel free to call your lawyer. these are things that at times I've dealt with and we have to head on with them. We have to take them head on.

Andrea Rappaport (18:06)

Yeah.

I dealt with it. I dealt with this kind of stuff with, you know, my kids wanting to go on a cruise and I got a lot of that same thing. I have to know right now because the price is going up. And I remember my thought was, isn't it my problem that the price is going up? You're asking me to make a major decision in a moment's notice because you don't want to pay more for tickets, but like that's not the way the cookie crumbles. Like, sorry. And I know like,

Per my agreement, we both had to agree for any kind of international travel. So without my green light, you can't book anything. So I know I remembered, I still got upset because it was like just the wording of it. But then once I was able to see through it and I could also see my ex was so hyper because he really wanted to go.

He really wanted to go in that moment and he wanted to take advantage of the price line deal and put my kids on a cargo plane or a slow boat to China and get the best deal. And I could possibly prohibit that. But then when I was able to look through it and I'm like, okay, none of this really matters, Andrea. They're getting worked up and then they're projecting all of that energy onto you and now you're getting worked up. So that's why

using these acronyms, this stop the threat will really help you not spiral. And then you can go shopping and make everything better.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (19:34)

And at the end of the day, if you are spiraling because you've looked at your agreement and that's the first place you go, or if you don't have an agreement and you're confused or concerned, don't be afraid to call your lawyer. You know you're going to pay for it. But if it's peace of mind, we always say it, if it's peace of mind and going to help you get through the day because you can't get over it because you're so upset over this issue, that's what your lawyer is there for. So that's in my mind, good money spent.

Bad money, we talk about it all the time and when you waste money with lawyers, but that is not a time in my mind that you spend bad money because good money comes when you're getting peace of mind.

Andrea Rappaport (20:11)

I thought you were going to say pizza. No, peace of mind. Also good money spent on pizza. You know what you said a minute ago that really turned my brain on? You said if there's any ambiguity in the parenting agreement, which brought me back to the brand new divorce crash course, where that is something that we outlined for you in the episode where we talk about the parenting agreement. If there is any ambiguity on any point,

then you have not gone into enough explanation. You don't want it to be worded in a way where you or your ex can say, well, I didn't take it that way. I see, I interpret it this way. That's why it is so important that you really take the time and you don't rush through this stuff as obnoxious and as painful and as frustrating as it is. And that's why I am so freaking proud.

of our new Divorce Crash Course because it literally maps out exactly what you can do. And there's something else that I think it's really important to mention here because now we're talking about tools. In addition to implementing these acronyms, the stop and the threat, there's another way to stop the threat. And yep, we're going to bring it up for the 100th time. If you are...

getting these types of messages again and again and again, and you feel like I am about to crawl out of my skin because Brenda doesn't stop, then you probably need our Family Wizard. And one of the reasons why you need our Family Wizard is they've got this really cool feature where you can program what time of day and only once a day will you get messages from your co-parent.

So let's say you know, let's say you're wired like me and mornings are when you're most easily triggered. I don't know why I wake up anxious. I just do, it's a real problem. But I'm better late morning. Late morning, early afternoon, that's my sweet spot. So I would program it to get messages at that time. I'm not good early in the morning and I'm not good late at night. Morgan, you're an early morning kind of girl.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (22:23)

I am. get up and just roll. My brain is firing on all cylinders like early, early. And at like 4 PM, I'm kind of tanking. And at 9 PM, you better not text me because you're not getting a response back.

Andrea Rappaport (22:35)

Right, so if you and I were married and had kids and then got divorced, you would program our family wizard to get all the messages from me at 7 a.m., all my stupid requests

Andrea Rappaport (22:47)

that I want to take my kids to Marshalls in a war zone or maybe find a Marshalls inside of an amusement park. That won't happen. It'll never be in an amusement park, possibly a war zone.

Andrea Rappaport (22:58)

And then you would fire back at me something that would be very smart. And I would not get that message until 11 a.m. or 1 p.m. because that's the time that I know that I...

can handle shit. So there you have it.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (23:11)

Yeah, it's so important too because if you're working or you are doing things with the kids, you don't want to be hammered all day with messages or emails. So if it's something that's causing you anxiety, do that method on Our Family Wizard. It's a no-brainer.

Andrea Rappaport (23:25)

And I'm going to go back. Let's just recap these acronyms in general, because no matter what time you get something inflammatory, you're still going to have a response. And like I said at the beginning of this conversation, when we receive a threat or when we perceive something as a threat, it might not even really be a threat in actuality. It could just be the way that you're taking it in.

Your nervous system responds and our nervous system responds immediately. It's there for a reason. It's there to protect us. It's there because back in the day, they're literally were lions, tigers and bears, my, chasing us through the woods, right? And now it's just your ex. But you have to stop, stop, literally stop. Tell yourself, I'm not gonna feel and I'm not gonna think. Then I want you to change the temperature.

I want you to put the ice in your mouth, put the ice on your wrist, put the ice roller on, just do it. Another thing that some people do in addition to temperature is they do vigorous exercise. Some people, to reset their nervous system, will start doing high intents, like tons of jumping jacks or something to really get their heart going. do it. After you do that, you gotta take in oxygen.

Push all of that air out so you're forced to breathe in and then you've got to make your mental health your priority. Okay, let's recap the threat.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (24:50)

All right, T, timing. H, highlight the parts of the email that really matter. R, redline the parts that are total BS and get those out of your head. E, emotionless evaluation of facts. And remember, this is taking the emotion out of it and asking yourself, is there any validity of what's being thrown at you? A, ask your attorney only if there is merit to this message or, I'm going to add that or there.

Or it's something that's really bothering you and you've done all these acronyms and it's still bothering you. And T, if you're asking your attorney, you're taking the strategic route. And what that route looks like is figuring out how and when to respond.

Andrea Rappaport (25:30)

And one thing I want you to know, this is a scientific study that I've done. Most threatening emails are 80 % emotional dribble drabble garbage and only 20 % actual legal issues. So once you can pull out what matters, you can respond without unraveling and without costing yourself a whole lot of extra money.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (25:50)

I agree. So listen, here's the deal. Divorce is a marathon. It's not a sprint. Every day is not going to feel like a good day when you're going through it. Some days it's day by day, other days it's hour by hour, but it's okay. Andrea and I want you to know that you're doing it. You are doing this. And that's why we do the show. So if you like our show, please rate and review us. It allows us to continue the show, bring on fabulous guests and do more guides that help our community.

Andrea Rappaport (26:17)

We have guides. We have guides coming out our ears, you guys. Go to the website. The website is being overhauled as we speak. Like I mentioned on the mini episode this week, we are so proud of it. And please just go and look at our pictures and tell us that we're pretty, because that would really help our nervous systems. ⁓ Check out the new Divorce Crash Course. Check out the guides. Join our private community. Follow us on all of our socials. we're also on Pinterest now. ⁓ no. Pinterest. Who knew?

I am making Pinterest boards, y'all. At the end of the day, you're going to be okay. You are not going to be in this same place where you are right now. Give yourself a minute. Give yourself a moment to breathe. And remember, you've got this.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (27:02)

And we, my friends, have got you.