A mother grew up feeling completely invisible. Her accomplishments were never celebrated. Her report cards went unnoticed. Her mother never showed up to a single one of her school events. She felt like she didn't matter so when she has her own daughter, she's determined to do it differently. She celebrates everything, every single achievement. Big or small. She's at every event, every practice, every performance. She posts constantly on social media about her daughter's accomplishments. She tells everyone she meets about what her daughter is doing. Her daughter wants her to stop. She wants her accomplishments to be celebrated more quietly. She wants to know her mom is proud of her, but she doesn't want the show that comes with it and slowly without realizing it, her daughter starts to feel like her worth is tied to her achievements. Like she only matters when she's accomplishing something like her mother's pride is conditional on her performance. The mother broke one pattern. Her daughter doesn't feel invisible, but she created a new one. Her daughter now carries a different wound. The pressure to constantly achieve, to feel valued. This is emotional inheritance. And today we're talking about how to prevent your mother wound from becoming your child's. Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Your brain learned about parenting from your own mother whether you realize it or not, how you process emotions, how you display them, how you understand them. That's what you're teaching your daughter too. The mother wound you carry wants to be passed down, not because you're a bad mother, but because patterns repeat until they're consciously broken. In this episode, we're going to talk about how those patterns get passed down through repetition and through overcorrection. I'm going to help you recognize when you're parenting from your own wound instead of parenting your daughter and how to break the cycle. Let's start by defining what I'm actually talking about when I say emotional inheritance. Emotional inheritance is emotions, trauma and behavior patterns that get passed down through generations. It's not genetic. It's learned and modeled behavior. This can be good things. It can be negative things. It doesn't have to be trauma, but it's emotional. You're inheriting the emotional capacity or. Emotional behaviors of the generation before you. When we talk about mother wounds being passed down, we're talking about daughters needing something from their mothers that they never got. Either the mother caused direct harm or there was an absence of good, an absence of emotional support. Love being truly seen and heard. As that daughter grows up and becomes a mother herself, unless she's done the work to heal and become aware, she will pass down some version of what she experienced. It's just part of how the brain works. When mothers repeat the pattern, they do exactly what their mothers did because that's what they know. That's the blueprint for motherhood. If your mother was emotionally distant, you might find yourself being emotionally distant with your own daughter, even though you hated it as a child. If your mother was critical, you might catch yourself being critical of your daughter, even though you remember how much those words hurt you. If no one taught you about emotions and emotional intelligence, you might struggle to give that to your daughter. These are not things that are happening on purpose, but when that's all your brain knows because you haven't given it new information, it could only pull from what it learned and what it learned about parenting and motherhood is how you experienced parenting and being mothered. When mothers do the opposite, they're so determined to not be like their mothers, that they swing completely the other way, like a complete pendulum swing, but doing the opposite isn't always right. It's still a reaction to your wound, not a response to your daughter's actual needs. When mothers overcorrect, they try so hard to give their daughters what they didn't have, that they create a new problem. This is what we talked about in the opening. She overcorrected trying to fix it. Didn't want her daughter to feel invisible, but it still wasn't the right thing. All three of these come from the same place. Parenting from your wound instead of parenting for the child that's in front of you. Let me give you some examples of how this plays out. If you felt invisible as a daughter, you might hover over your own daughter. You're present for everything, but your presence becomes suffocating instead of supportive. If you felt like no one cared about your goals or accomplishments, you might make your daughter's accomplishments feel like your own. You post about them constantly. You talk about them to everyone. You basically are centering yourself and her achievements, and your daughter starts to feel like she's performing for you instead of living for herself. If you are physically punished or overly disciplined, you might under discipline. You might try to be your daughter's friend instead of her parent. And this can create a measurement where boundaries blur and your daughter doesn't have the structure, she actually needs to grow. Now, none of this makes you a bad mother. These patterns exist because you're trying to protect your daughter from what hurt you. And that's just a loving instinct. That's what any mom wants to do. But love isn't always enough. You have to be intentional. You have to ask yourself, am I giving my daughter what she actually needs, or am I trying to heal my own childhood through her? Because you cannot parent yourself through your daughter. You have to give her what she needs, not what the little girl in you needed. So how do you know if you're passing down your mother wound? How do you recognize the pattern in real time? I'm gonna give you some things to watch out for. First, if you're being dismissive, the clear sign is when you dismiss your daughter's feelings, needs, or request, your daughter asks you not to tell anyone something and you tell your sister anyway, because it's just family. That's just your aunt. Some excuse like that. Your daughter says she needs space and you show up unannounced to her house because mothers should always be involved. Your daughter tells you something, hurt her feelings, and you respond with you're being too sensitive, or, you know, that's not what I meant. When you dismiss your daughter, her feelings, her boundaries, her experiences, you're repeating a pattern. I'm willing to bet at some point in your life you are dismissed too, and I'm sure you remember how that felt. Another example of signs to watch for is your parenting from fear. Ask yourself. Are my parenting decisions driven by what my daughter actually needs? Or by my fears of repeating what happened to me, are you hovering because your daughter needs that level of attention or because you were neglected and you're terrified of making her feel invisible? Are you pushing her towards certain activities or achievements because that's her passion or because you never got those opportunities and you're living through her? Are you being overly permissive because that's what she needs? Or because you are over controlled and you're reacting against that, when your fear drives your parenting, you're not seeing your daughter clearly, you're seeing your own childhood And the last pattern you can look out for are your daughter's needs, taking a backseat to your healing. This one can be subtle when it shows up. Sometimes mothers use their daughters as emotional support systems. They share too much about their own struggles. They lean on their daughters for comfort. They expect their daughters to understand and accommodate their healing journey. And while it's beautiful to heal, and you should be doing that, your daughter's not your therapist. She's not responsible for managing your emotions or making you feel better about your past if you find yourself regularly turning to your daughter for emotional support that should be coming from other adults, that's a sign. Here's the question I want you to start asking yourself in parenting moments, is this because I didn't get it or because my daughter needs it? When you're about to make a parenting decision, pause and ask yourself that question. If the honest answer is because I didn't get it, that doesn't mean the decision is automatically wrong, but it does mean you need to think more carefully. You need to consider what your daughter needs at this moment, not what you needed as a child. You may be spot on and can proceed and you've got it right and this is what your daughter needs, and it was also what you need, but maybe you also need to adjust a little bit. Pay attention to that. Along with that question, I wanna give you some more questions to think about. Did I connect with my daughter in that moment or did I react from my own past? Have I dismissed anything she's told me recently? If I talk about my motherhood, are there parts about my behavior I would hide or not share? Am I parenting the daughter in front of me or am I parenting the child I used to be. These questions will help you create awareness. Don't use 'em to feel guilty or shame yourself just as information so you know what to do next. Once you've recognized the patterns, you see where you're repeating what your mother did or where you might be overcorrecting. Now what? How do you actually break the cycle? How do you parent differently without just doing the opposite? This is what I tell moms that I work with. Connection before correction. Before you can change any behavior, before you can discipline differently, before you can show up better, you have to connect with your daughter. Connection creates emotional support. And emotional support is what prevents a mother wound. When you've connected to your daughter, you know her, you know what she needs. You're not guessing based on what you needed as a child. You actually know what this specific child in front of you needs. You need to get to know your daughter at every stage of her life. Who she was at five is not who she is at 10. It's not who she'll be at 15 and it's not who she'll be at 25. These are all different stages of life and they're gonna bring up a different girl. If you're parenting based on who she used to be or who you think she should be, or who you were at her age, you're not actually parenting her. In order to get to know her, you should ask questions. Spend one-on-one time with her. You pay attention to what lights her up and what shuts her down. You notice her patterns. You listen more than you talk. You create space for her to show you who she is, and you do this over and over again at every stage because she's always evolving. Next, you need to decide what kind of parent you want to be based on your values and your daughter's needs. What do you want your daughter to feel when she thinks about you as her mother? What do you want her to remember about her childhood? Write it down, revisit it regularly. When you're intentional about who you want to be as a mother, you can catch yourself when you're falling back into old patterns. No two children are the same. Your daughter's needs will be unique to her personality, her temperament, and her stage in life. But there are some things all children need. First is emotional support. They need to feel safe bringing their feelings to you. They need to know their emotions. Won't be dismissed, punished, or made all about you. They need structure. They need boundaries, consistency, and to know what's expected of them. Not rigid control, but loving structure that helps them feel safe and helps them figure out what to do. They need trust in their parent. They need to trust that you'll show up for them, that you'll keep your word, that you'll protect them, and that you'll admit when you're wrong. If you're providing these three things, emotional support, structure, and trust. You're on the right track, even if you make mistakes along the way. But what happens when you catch yourself in a moment when you realize, oh, I'm doing this because of my past, not because it's what my daughter needs. Just ask yourself, what does my daughter actually need right now? Sometimes she needs you to listen. Sometimes she needs a boundary. Sometimes she needs reassurance or space, or she needs to trust that you're gonna keep your word just because you messed up. Doesn't mean you can't fix it. When you pause and ask the question, you can usually feel the answer. Your intuition will tell you, trust yourself and the mother you desire to be. Now, awareness alone won't break the cycle. You need behavior change. If you notice you're being dismissive, but you keep dismissing her, nothing changes. If you realize you're hovering, but you keep showing up uninvited to her house, again, nothing changes. If you see that you're making her achievements about you, but you keep doing it anyway, nothing changes. Do you see the pattern here? Awareness is a great step, and it's the first step and it means a lot, but action is what's gonna break the cycle. If you're finding that you can't change the behavior, if you see the pattern but can't stop it, that's when you need to seek help from a therapist. There's no shame in that. It's one of the most loving things you can do for your daughter and for yourself. Healing yourself is how you stop passing down wounds. And sometimes behavior change is actually the hardest part. There's a lot of people that are aware of what's happening. They know what's going on. They can see the patterns, they can spot the wounds and they can talk about it. But when it comes to actually changing the behavior, they get stuck. That's when you seek out support. As you heal, you naturally show up differently for your daughter. When you're processing your own emotions in healthy ways, you can hold space for hers. When you're not triggered by your past, you can respond to her present. When you're healing your wounds, you stop bleeding on her and all the other people around you too. Your healing and your parenting go hand in hand. They support each other as you feel better and heal parts of yourself. You connect with your daughter differently. You ask more questions. You're more patient, you see her more clearly. So don't let guilt about the past keep you stuck. Let it go. Just heal now you have today. So use it. Okay? Let me shift for a little bit and talk to those who may recognize they've been doing things wrong. If you think you have already passed down a mother wound and are wondering if it's too late to change things, I want you to know it's not. It's never too late unless your daughter is an adult and she says it is okay. It's not too late with kids. It's never too late with teens. I don't think it's too late with adult daughters if they're still open to it, unless she specifically just tells you that it's not. Now the repair process is going to look different depending on her age and where she is in her own healing. But the potential for repair is always there as long as she's willing to engage with you. If you're realizing you've been doing the wrong thing. You need to start with connection, not with explaining all the reasons you did what you did, not with defending yourself. You may have to start with an apology and asking for a chance to show behavior change. You start by genuinely connecting with your daughter. Get to know her. Where is she right now? What's she feeling? What does she need? You can't repair what you don't understand. And if you've been parenting from your wound instead of connecting with her, you might not actually know her very well at all. So get to know her. Here are some questions you can ask to start rebuilding the connection. Is there any part of my parenting you would change? And if you're gonna ask that question, you need to really listen to it. If you're not ready to hear it, don't ask it. I feel like we're not connected and I don't know you as well as I want to. Let's change that. This is a statement of intention. You're acknowledging the disconnection and you're taking responsibility for changing it. Then follow it up with questions that help you actually know her. What's been hard for you lately? What do you need from me that you're not getting? How can I support you better? If there are specific patterns you need to address, specific ways you've heard her, or specific mistakes you've made, you can have repair conversations. Make sure any repair conversation you start with your daughter includes these things. Acknowledgement. Name what you did. Be specific. Don't minimize it. This can sound like I've been making your achievements about me instead of celebrating you. I see now that I've been hovering in ways that haven't given you room to grow. I haven't been listening to you when you've asked me for boundaries. Next, make sure it includes an apology. Say you're sorry without excuses, without explaining all of your reasons. That can sound like I'm really sorry that wasn't fair to you. Next, asking what she needs. Don't assume you know how to fix it. Ask her. That can sound like, what do you need from me moving forward? How can I repair this? What would help you feel supported next? That needs to be included is commitment to change. Tell her what you're going to do differently and then actually go do it. That can sound like I'm gonna work on stepping back and trusting you more. I'm going to start asking before I share things about you, I'm going to listen without getting defensive. When you tell me something hurt you and last that needs to be included is following through. Repair isn't just about conversation. It's about what you do after the conversation. Do you actually step back? Do you actually listen without defending? Do you actually ask permission before sharing her business? Because if you apologize and they keep doing the same thing, you're teaching her that your word doesn't mean anything. It's just a performance. Real repair changes behavior. It rebuilds trust through consistency, and it takes time. Your daughter might not trust you immediately. She might be skeptical. She might be testing the waters and seeing if you really mean it, and that's normal and okay. It takes time to rebuild trust. It's not gonna happen overnight. You just stay consistent. Keep showing up and connecting. Keep doing what you said you would do, and if you mean it, she's gonna see that over time. As we wrap up today's episode, I wanna make sure I leave you with this. You don't have to be a perfect parent to prevent passing down your mother wound. You don't have to be a perfect mother to prevent passing down your mother wound. In fact, perfection is impossible. There's not a mom on this planet that can say she got it all right? You will make mistakes. You'll have moments where you parent from your wound instead of from connection or what your daughter needs. You will hurt your daughter sometimes, even when you're trying your hardest not to. You're human after all. This doesn't mean you failed The mother who prevents a wound and keeps a relationship with her daughter is not the mother who never made mistakes. It's the mother who acknowledges her mistakes, apologizes and changes the behavior. I've spoken to many daughters, okay, many. I don't just talk on this podcast. I actually meet with clients in real life, and I've talked to many of them. And what they want from their moms is acknowledgement. They want their moms to believe their experience. So if you can do that, you're gonna keep her. Daughters want their mothers, they always do. Doesn't matter what age I speak to a daughter. She wants her mother. What she needs is to feel important, supported, and cared for inside of the relationship with you. Mistakes don't prevent those things. Making a mistake doesn't mean she's not important to you. Getting it wrong sometimes doesn't mean you don't support her. And being imperfect doesn't mean you don't care. Denying her experience is what breaks the relationship and creates the wound. It's dismissing her feelings and refusing to acknowledge when you've hurt her. It's defending yourself instead of repairing. Mistakes can be repaired, denial cannot. So if you take nothing else from this episode. Please know that the cycle of passing down mother wounds can be broken. We can stop passing down emotional inheritance, full of trauma and broken relationships. It just requires you to take a honest look at your parenting. Ask, am I connecting with my daughter? Am I seeing her for who she is? Am I giving her what she needs, or am I trying to heal my own childhood through her? It just requires you to notice when you're repeating patterns. And when maybe you need to change your behavior, your daughter is not your opportunity to heal what happened to you. She's her own person, with her own needs, her own experiences, and her own life to live. Celebrate that and then go have a beautiful and flourishing relationship with your daughter. You both deserve it. You both want the same things. So go make it happen. And that's all I have for you today. I hope you enjoyed the episode and are taking something away from it. And I will catch you in the next one. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.