Adam

Trying to influence something that you have no physical control over, only damages you.

Alex

Today's guest is Adam Bland, a survival Equipment Technician in the Royal Navy. Adam is also a facilitator for Andy's man club, a man support group that holds meetings throughout the UK. In this episode, we'll discuss what a man does when he realises there's something majorly wrong with his health, and how he deals with it in the aftermath.

Let's travel travelled to the south coast of England, where Adam is sat on the toilet, and something just doesn't seem right.

Adam

Having some alone time away from the wife and kids, and I go to wipe myself and she sort of bright red blobs all across the toilet roll, do the double take, wipe again, same colour not sure what to do next that that sort of internal panic. Like there's not enough there that I'm bleeding out and I need an ambulance. But that's not normal. Not like a fear, I'm going to die, instantly sort of fear. But just an anxiety of what is this? What is this situation going to lead to? How am I going to fix this situation, which I think is something that a lot of men have in common, we have this need to control what's going on around us. So my initial anxiety, my initial fear of that situation was I don't think this is something I can have control over. Okay, downstairs, like a cup of tea, John comes out down Papaw in the garden for for a vape. And straight on to Dr. Google. Prostate cancer, him failure, there's so many the a list of different things that gonna kill you within weeks on top to Google and go into sort of panic mode, need to go and see a doctor about this. From there, probably the longest couple of weeks of your life when you're waiting for results for stuff like that suspected sort of irritable bowel syndrome or a stomach bug or something like that. So again, lots more tests, and over the coming months. Repeat it, but our test stool samples, urine samples trying to track down what it is that's causing these symptoms. And that's when one of the doctors obviously in at the time said, I'm going to refer you to gastroenterology department and the local hospital. I went along, had another set of tests done when for colonoscopy to get the results back eventually with a diagnosis of Crohn's disease, which is a top variable bowel disease. And the sort of questions that then raised for me, it's something that whilst it isn't necessarily going to kill you will completely destroy your life. It will walk has the potential to change the way you live.

Alex

How do you think going through this experience has helped you to become a better man.

Adam

I think the ability to recognise when I can't control something, I'm able to kind of take a step back from that situation. Being able to recognise that I don't need to control the situation is something that I'm still working on. So for instance, I need to get to work by eight o'clock in the morning. I have control over that because I can get up at a decent time, get showered, change, make sure I've got my lunch ready know that I need to be in the car for half past seven, so that I give myself enough time to get to work by Friday. I've got control over all of that. Once I get in the car, and I leave the house, there's a traffic jam. And I have control over that. Probably two years ago before I kind of found Andy's man club and spoke to guys who were having the same sort of experiences as me and I'm struggling to deal with those experiences was learning from other people that are trying to influence something that you haven't own physical control over only damages you damage anybody else, and doesn't cause anybody else any issues. So, I know there's a certain amount that I'm able to do about my health condition, I take medication that I'm given regularly, try and eat healthier diet, don't drink as much get more exercise, I know that I have control over those things. So if I don't do them, you know, fair enough, be upset about it, that there are also things that, you know, I might have a day where I'm absolutely exhausted, and I can't do something that I want to do. I don't have control over that is talking that through with the guys at AMC has really helped me to kind of let go of the tension and anxiety behind that. The way I think has helped me be a better man is just to accept that I am who I am the way I am. And the whole world is not against me. And I don't know if it's a precondition looks at the pressures of society I feel put on me. It's probably a pet for narcissistic personality trait, you know, or an only child issue

Alex

Only child syndrome.

Adam

Yeah, only child syndrome 100%. I've got it, my wife tells me I've got it all the time. I stomp my feet if I don't get the right sausage or my dinner and stuff like that.

Alex

is that what is that why you've got more than one child as well. Now, you don't have to deal with those, the only child syndrome issue

Adam

because I'd argue sometimes it's more difficult when I've got to look after the two boys. But at the same time it it helps me to put myself in the rest of the world, if that makes sense. Just to not to recognise I'm not the centre of the world, on the centre of my world, I have to I know I have to look after myself, because I can't do anything for anyone else if I'm not functioning properly. But at the same time, the rest of the world is doing the same. The rest of the world are making sure they can function should be making sure they can function so they can have everybody else. And it's a really difficult sort of thing to do if you're not used to doing it. I found it really difficult to put myself in that position. Certainly I've noticed and started to recognise as well as a lot of the guys I speak to anticline cup have recognised, they want to fix things, if something's broken, they want to fix it. Now, if you're not talking about DIY, I've got hope in how I'm absolutely terrible at DIY. But, you know, if one of the kids goes over and hurts themselves, I need to know how to repair that and fix that I need to know how to make sure this works or that works. Or if our relationship isn't quite right at that moment in time on want to fix it. Instead of doing what's right to allow it to repair, I want to fix it, I need to be in there fixing it. So being able to take a step back. One of the things I'm working on at the moment, one of the things I talk about regularly in Andy's Man group on a Monday night is I feel like I'm not performing properly as a parent at the moment. I'm not doing what my kids need me to do. They're pretty average, normal seven and eight year olds, they shout a kick off of each other they fight. They watch YouTubes they say swear words, you know, there's loads of different things that they're not. They're doing the I don't want them to do as a parent. But I find myself completely out of sort of control of that situation. And in the way I know how to deal with that is to tell them now. Tell them to stop. Ask them to separate from each other, send them to their bedroom, send them to the northeast, wherever it might be wherever we are. But right about there, that's where my qualifications end and I I try and talk to them about it. They don't want to talk and then rather than just giving them space, I'm like I need to solve this. Now I need to make them understand that they can talk to me. Well actually, that's not the way to deal with that. So on. I'm learning at the same pace that they're learning and kind of the fee packet got from one of the guys the other evening, AMC was give yourself the credit that you've recognised that, give yourself the time to

Alex

achieve it, the first step in solving any problem is to, is to recognise and be self aware is absolutely, the control thing is, is so fascinating because I have issues with that as well and a lot of men do. And I think for me, when I've kind of analysed and reflected upon it, it goes back to a lot of this stuff goes back to when you're a kid doesn't it. And, you know, if you feel if you felt like you weren't in control of a situation, you're almost subconsciously saying to yourself, when I'm older, I'm going to be the master of my ship, master of my destiny, I can do whatever I want to do, and no one's going to tell me what to do. So my whole life has been, has been kind of subconsciously or consciously. I've mapped that out for myself, so that I've got 100% freedom, I've got my own business, I can live wherever I want, etc. Because I don't want to feel that someone else's controlling me or I don't have things that I'm not able to control. And I think that's kind of related to traumas of, you know, when I was a kid or you know, and that is then brought into adulthood as well. Is that the same for you?

Adam

Yeah, I think so. I kind of had a sort of a negative relationship with my dad as I grew up, because he was in the Navy. And as I became more self aware, as sort of probably the age my kids are now sort of seven or eight. He was away for like big events in my life, you know, my birthday, Christmas, all of the stuff that a kid wants, he was often away for those really progressed, that, and I got older, and I kind of you know him and my mom got divorced shortly after he left the military. And I really struggled with that as a kid. And then I joined, I joined the Navy myself at 17. I don't really know why I joined the Navy at 17. It was kind of something I fell into, I suppose I was probably always destined to go that way with family connections to the Navy and stuff like that. But again, it was almost out of spite to my dad like, Well, you did it. So I'm going to do it all of the things that people said to me when I said I'm going to join the Navy made me go on, but I'm gonna do it, whether they were negative or positive. So I did that, and are quite quickly in the first couple of years, had a newfound respect for my dad's journey. And how his life was, when he wasn't with me, and why my childhood was the way more childhood was, we've sort of been angry at him because he wasn't there. And then quite quickly, when I had kids, I started panicking that I wasn't around enough for them. So it's, it's, you know, am I passing on the negative connotations of stuff to my kids.

Alex

So the whole thing of control, Adam, do you think perhaps I could be wrong on this, but you think it's to do with the fact that you couldn't control? The fact that you wanted your father who was sounds like your role model? You wanted him to be around all the time, but you you didn't have any control over that when you were a kid? So because he was travelling with the Navy?

Adam

Yeah, I think probably right. Or at least that contributed to it. I don't think that any of my issues that I deal with now that I've recognised that I'm trying to work on a course caused by any one significant thing. I know a lot of people that struggle with their own headspace and things that they're trying to deal with are down to one specific moment, or a specific relationship or experience. I was always raised to be honest. But I always got away with saying what people wanted to hear, rather than being honest. People pleasing. Yeah. So and again, potentially, that all I think that was probably my way of controlling the situation. So I could talk about what I wanted to talk about by pleasing the person I was talking to. So if it was my mum, I just told her the stuff that I knew she wanted to hear about that situation, and she would be happy and I would move on, and then go to my dad and tell him what he wanted to earn. And you know, are people pleased? Are people pleased? A lot of time. And I wouldn't say it made me grossly unhappy. I'd say I enjoyed my sort of formative years at school, bar, a little bit of bullying. I'd say I would I enjoyed the initial period of my naval career, you know, bar, a few negative personal experiences. But everybody has those things everybody's been through is the same or similar to what I've been through.

Alex

It's very common, isn't it? I've had that issue as well. with like, with people pleasing, and I ended up doing it for many, many years, and then only realise that after a while, that my life is worse off for overcompensating for someone else. Because I think I like to think I want to help people, but you're going so far out of your way, that it's actually at the detriment to you, and then you feel in afterwards, I don't feel great after after doing that, you know, and perhaps sometimes people didn't appreciate it anyway.

Adam

Yeah, that's one of it's kind of why like, where I am now, in terms of how I deal with my week, or go to Andy's wine crop on a Monday. And a lot of the guys who speak to a lot of the guys that go to the group Garner. And now you know how you really helped me do this, you really helped me do that. And I'm like, you've done all of the work. And I know you've done all of the work, because I've been helped in the same way that I'm now trying to help you. You know, just opening those doors and sitting down and listening to each other. properly, and giving someone the space and time to be open and honest, whether they're being open and honest to you, for your sake, or for their sake, eventually, they will do it for their sake, you know, almost like a positive peer pressure thing, you know, when you're saying what you're saying, because you think that's what people want to hear, eventually, you're going to get to a point where you just go, I need to say what I need to say, for me, what I find is a lot of guys test the water. So a lot of guys will start talking about a subject, you know, this issue, or this is upsetting me, or this week, it's this, or this week, it's that and then a few weeks in what's actually bothering them, they'll come out what's actually planned on their mind, the real thing that they've carried around with them for years, or the thing that they've really been struggling with lately will come out. Because they they've been testing the water. And I think we do it in daily relationships with people, you know, when you first start to develop a relationship with a partner, when you start to develop a relationship, whether it's as a child or as an adult with a friend, you as you develop, you test the waters, you with humour, you test the waters with a joke. And then you see how similar your sense of humour is to that person.

Alex

I want to ask you about go back to the if we kind of combined the humour and having Crohn's Can you talk about how you how you dealt with that with your mates, how you told them the first time and how you kind of incorporated humour into that because I think that's an important issue to talk about and how men try to play, play down things or make a joke out of something that actually is an important part of their life,

Adam

or use humour as a defence mechanism. If something if I need to talk about something serious, I will quite often tell a story about a situation with a humorous outcome. And normally the humorous outcome is the thing that I am most worried about, because it's the thing that the story focuses on, because that's what's in my head. Can

Alex

you take us to the first moment that you told your mates about Crohn's? And and and what was the joke that you said,

Adam

what I did was I told them a story about the pill calm. So if you've never come across a pill calm, it's a tablet that's up to three centimetres long. It looks like a like a cod liver oil tablet, like a supplement tablet. And the top path is clear and see through and it's got a camera and a strobe light in it. And you take it and they put a band around you ever receiver and the receivers got a screen on it. And that screen, you can activate it and you can watch your insights as this tablet's travelling for you. So the way I told my sort of friend group, and the people that I didn't really know how else to tell them was, I told them about this pill come and how it worked. Because it was something that not a lot of people maybe realise happens or knew existed. And then I'll get the video that off the camera. And I showed them and I made a joke about the little things that are floating around and stuff like that. And that was my out. That was my way of you know, getting them to Oh, what happened? You know, what was a result of that? That's That's weird. Or they were laughing and what happened? Oh, well, it turns out I've got current crimes is in my bar. Yeah. So yeah, I've got to take medication. I'm on these tablets now and and then I could have that almost serious conversation about it. And, you know, it means I'm gonna have to be on these tablets for for quite a long time. If not forever. It means I'm gonna have to do this. It means that, you know, I might lose my career. It means that I might so it opened the door for me to talk about all the things that I then did. unnecessarily of control over

Alex

with Crohn's and potentially having it for a long period of time, how have you been able to let go of that, so to speak, that you can't control this condition that you you have this and being able to live with it.

Adam

To be honest, letting go of other stuff, being able to sort of vent on a weekly basis means that I don't panic about stuff on a daily basis, necessarily. So more often than not, if I had something coming up, I would worry about that specific event. Now I have a chance, not even a chance I have the structure in my life where on a Monday I go, and then I tell people about things that have affected me the week before the things that I've got coming up in the next week that are worrying or concerning me. And then I also have built relationships with people from that group. So I can, I can sort of spill my guts to during the week, I've also developed, you know, less of a fear about talking openly to friends and family about stuff. So I'm a talker, anyway, I will talk to people, but I won't necessarily say the things that I need to say, for my own benefit. Because I don't want to feel like I never used to feel like I wanted to burden other people with it. But actually, what I found was when I started telling people about my real issues, they would allow me that time and space to talk about it, they would maybe even offer some of their own experience back. As you know, this is how I dealt with it or try this or that. And I said, you know, what I really understand where you are, if you ever need something, or you just need some space, you know, you know, just offers like that sometimes give you enough confidence, just get it off your chest. And then actually, I'm not having to deal with that I'm not having to carry that around, I'm not having to worry about that. That then allowed my brain to deal with the current, there's a potential that if it can't be got under control, I might not be able to stay in the military. That worries me because it's all I've done since I was 17. What do I do if I have that taken away from me? Because I'm allowed, or I've allowed myself the space and time to talk to other people about that. It doesn't worry me as much as to worries me, it still concerns me, it still puts my future and what I had planned for my family and myself. That still puts that at risk. But rather than focusing on that risk, and rather than focusing on that negative, I can go well, you know, what, if it does affect my career, if it does mean that I, you know, can't carry on doing what I'm doing now, there's a million other doors out there, there's a million other things I could go and try and succeed. Whereas probably two years ago, if I'd have had this diagnosis, and there would have been a risk to my career, it would have been the end of the world. So if you know, if someone wronged me, if someone rang me now and said, This person that you're close to has passed away, I would, it would hurt it, I'd be emotional, I'd start to go through that instant grieving process. But I know I've got lots of people that I can go and talk to about that, who would understand it. So I then don't have to disappear down the rabbit hole. I don't have to show them that way on my own. One of the things that I like about these man club, and one of the things I enjoy doing is going out to events or public spaces where we can encourage people to talk to us to stop people in the street and tell them that we're Andy's man club, and we're about men supporting other men through their storms. Because as soon as you tell someone that you're willing to listen, they open up and they start having that conversation with you, the more men can start to learn to do that. To accept that conversations happening, the better off we will be.

Alex

No one's going to say to someone in the street. Hi, how you doing? And the person replies, Well, I'm actually terrible right now, you know, you would just be I'd almost be shocked if I said hi, how you doing? I'm terrible. How are you? You don't think I've ever had that response. But what

Adam

an incredible world we live in. If a random stranger could walk past you in the street, and say are you doing and you could be open and honest with it. Yeah, do you know what I'm, I've just lost someone. I've just had this terrible experience. This is just happened to me. I'm going through a bit of a rough patch. And that person could have the ability to just go, wow, you know what I had a recent experience like that. It's really difficult that I made it through that experience on ready to have that conversation with other people are now ready to listen to other people when I ask them, Are you alright? And actually listen, not just go. Yeah, that sounds terrible. Good luck dealing with that actually sit and listen and let them say what they need to say. And then, if I've had a similar experience, or I know someone else that has I can empathise with them, I can, you know, so I kind of understand where you're coming from. I've had this situation that made me feel like that. I haven't got any answers for you. But I'm always here, if you need to ask, you know, we need to vent. A lot of people have got that skill set, a lot of people just aren't willing to give the other person the time we're too scared of a parent strange to somebody else, or parent a bit weird. We're all weird. We're all strange, because we're all individual. No two people are really ever the same. But we've all got extremely similar experiences.

Alex

I could relate a lot to Adam blondes life, especially in the area of control. Control was a big part of his life and his masculinity. Because when he was talking about being diagnosed with Crohn's disease, and initially telling his friends, he wanted to control the narrative around that, because he didn't want them to make jokes at his expense, he wanted to be able to make the joke upfront, so that they couldn't do it afterwards. And it's fascinating on this idea of control. And as men are we going to allow ourselves to release control, instead of being able to try to control every aspect of our life, which is a very difficult thing to do. Because we are influenced by many different factors going on in the world. We can't control other people's responses. Someone says something bad to us in the street, or a friend makes a joke at our expense or a family member say something that we don't like, we can't control that. But I think as men, and I'm talking about myself as well, we try to control those things. And sometimes it's about letting go in life. And I think Adam is starting to learn that and he's grown as a man. But initially getting that diagnosis of Crohn's disease, created a lot of fears in himself about what other people would think about him, hence wanting to use humour, self deprecating humour, in order to control the narrative. I can also relate to Adam when he had these symptoms. And he was on the toilet, he saw a lot of blood. And the first thing he did immediately rushed down, went to his friend Google, and feared the worst. And it's almost as a man, you feel depleted, or you feel less of a man, because you have this condition. And when he actually was diagnosed, you really had a lot of challenges that he had to overcome, to figure out that he's not less of a man just because he's got this condition. But it really does deplete us if we allow it to. And I think this goes back to the control thing as well as letting things go.