Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and I’m excited to say — it’s annual promotion time!

Now, for those of you who are new this year and may have come to us from more…ah…conventional companies, this will be slightly different from what you’re used to. On the one hand, it requires much less paperwork. On the other hand…well, the other hand is probably holding a poisoned dagger.

Or might not be a hand at all. Talon, tentacle, mechanical claw… Look, let’s not get bogged down in technicalities. The important thing is that at Global Synergy Amalgamated, we encourage healthy competition!

But for experienced employees and newcomers alike, one rule is paramount: Don’t Get Caught.

No. Seriously. Don’t get caught. Sloppiness is the one unforgivable sin. A real evildoer is always ready with an alibi, a patsy, or plausible deniability. Or as I like to put it, you need an excuse, a silly goose, or a way to get loose!

I know you don’t all love my little sayings, but sometimes they’re just for me.

Anywho, back to the point: Promotion time! Let’s take a little break here, then we’ll get back to what you’ll need to know for this year’s bloodbath.

I do love the Good Old Ones Radio Hour. Nothing cozier than curling up with my little pup Ceolacanth and a cup of tea to listen to some of those old chants. Takes me back to my days at Miskatonic.

But this is no time for nostalgia. This is the time for preparation! So let’s go over the regulations.

Just joshin’ ya! There are no regulations. Poison, abduction, booby traps in employee housing…the sky’s the limit! And don’t think you have to confine yourself to outright murder, either. Style goes a long way, and you have access to a time machine. It’s been a long time since anyone’s been really creative — try sealing someone immortal in a sarcophagus to freak out archeologists. That one never gets old. Pun intended.

Now, I do need to remind you that as the head of HR, I have to remain totally impartial about promotions. As long as you’re qualified for the position and it’s no longer occupied, my job is just paperwork. And I can’t be bribed, so don’t try. It’s just embarrassing. I won’t let you just peek at another employee’s file to see what they’re allergic to, or if they have sweet elderly relatives you can use as leverage, or what particular kind of necromantic rite summoned them back from the beyond. You have to do the legwork yourself.

And really, that’s the whole point, isn’t it? We don’t just murder for the fun of it. Well…ok, yes, some of us do…but in this case, it’s not about the killing. It’s about creating a plan and then seeing it through. About stretching yourself. About showing the Higher Ups what you’re really capable of.

World domination begins with office domination, and office domination begins with self-knowledge. This is a chance to not only differentiate yourself, but to define yourself to yourself by the caliber of your own work.

One last note, because surprisingly, even though our employee insurance covers several types of necromancy both magical and scientific, all this murdering can lead to hurt feelings. But remember. It’s not personal. And besides, you’ll always have a chance to get them back next year.

Well, not always. I don’t know why I have to keep telling you people this, but stop listening to Victor. He can’t bring you back successfully! He’s not even a doctor, you know that, right? Never finished his undergrad. Now I’m all for hands on learning, and many of our successful reanimators learned via apprenticeships. I just think that if you call yourself a doctor you should have a doctorate. No matter how many brides you build for your creation.

Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!