E069 - How Narcissistic Relationships Mirror Cult-Like Control & Trap You In A Cycle of Addiction With Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde
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[00:00:00] In this episode, you will discover how narcissistic relationships, mirror, cult like control to keep you trapped.
Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.
Hello. And welcome back to the episode today. We are talking about the cult like control dynamics that are clearly present in narcissistic relationships.
So in this episode, you will discover how narcissistic relationships mirror these cult dynamics in order to keep you trapped. You'll discover how these toxic bonds actually rewire your brain to keep you dependent on them. And you will discover the steps that you need to take to detox from this addictive cycle and begin to break free from the manipulation. This [00:01:00] conversation is going to blow your mind.
We have Hillary buck, Walter wild back on the show today. Who is one of our absolute fan favorites on this? Heartbreak. To wholeness podcast. She's done several episodes. And
This episode is going to be for you. If you have felt like it was, or is impossible to leave a relationship. And if you're really seeking that exit or seeking the healing from those types of relationships. And if you are in that space, I have an interest form linked in the show notes. If you want to explore deeper support.
And be sure to stick around to the end of this episode, where we will pull an Oracle card. That will offer you a specific message this week that you can use as inspiration and grounding in your healing.
Bre Wolta: Welcome back to the podcast, Hillary.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Thank you. It's fabulous to be back again.
Bre Wolta: So tell us, tell the listeners how you came about this understanding of a parallel [00:02:00] between narcissistic relationships and cult dynamics.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah. So, um, like many of you who've probably been through this, the gauntlet of the healing process, I was experiencing so much confusion and cognitive dissonance and trying to make sense of my experiences, and it was really, really difficult. Perhaps one of the most challenging Things I've had to heal from in, in my life.
And I happen to be watching this Netflix documentary called Dancing with the Devil. It's about, , a TikTok dance cult, um, young people getting wrapped up in a narcissist reality and him exploiting them and taking advantage of them. And it's really a beautiful story of Survivorship and what the survivors of this cult had been through and a friend recommended it.
And as I was watching it, I couldn't believe how much [00:03:00] their stories were resonating with me and my experiences. And it was at that point that I realized there were some parallels between being in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits and, um, the complexity of the healing process.
particularly where our self worth gets intertwined with this toxic individual but where we're also like held captive in a reality of their creation and we don't realize it and like that's where the manipulation and the betrayal and exploitation and all of those things happen so it like Really validated my experiences, but also totally blew my mind that for two and a half years, I had been like lost in a, in a cult of one.
Bre Wolta: Yeah. Which is such a cool, well, I don't know if cool is the right word, but it's such a fascinating way to look at the experience because I know for me when, when I think [00:04:00] about. Occult dynamic, right? That to me is very serious and very real. And sometimes when we're in these relationships where it's a cult of one, we can gaslight ourselves into thinking that it's not that bad or it's not that even in the healing process, like, yeah, I went through a bad relationship.
but we're not necessarily labeling it as abusive or manipulative or narcissistic. That typically comes a little bit later once we've accepted more of the reality of what is, but the word cult to me, it, it shines such a significant experience, which is true of a cult of one or a cult of many.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah, that word holds so much weight. And I have a friend from grad school who did her dissertation on healing from cult dynamics. So when I had this revelation, I reached out to her and she gave me some resources where I really started to deepen into those parallels and [00:05:00] And understand my experiences and, and really the gravity of the impact of, living inside of a reality that somebody else creates for you, and you're not aware of it, and your physiology is being impacted, your brain, your heart, your body, your psyche, the way you think, the way you see the world, you're being isolated.
You're being manipulated and exploited and have no idea, and in fact are often like exalting the person who is causing the harm or putting them on a pedestal. Even if there's those little inklings that something is off or not quite right, because of the nature of what happens physiologically, it almost completely blinds us to what we are actually.
Living inside of, and like that to me is like the biggest mindfuck, right, of healing from these narcissistic relationships is having [00:06:00] to unpack that you've been living in something that wasn't real, that was being intentionally stewarded by someone who was using you to get their needs met. It's, it's horrifying, really.
Bre Wolta: It is. It is. And when we start to piece out how somebody can be capable of that, it's really disturbing. And I'm, I'm curious for the listeners who maybe haven't listened to your, the episode about your story yet. Tell us a little bit about what that false reality looked like for you. What was the, what was the creation that he was inserting you into?
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah. So, you know, as a person in the healing arts and, you know, I have a big yoga background, I work with clients one on one. I live a pretty holistic lifestyle. Spend a lot of time in nature, you know, eat well, he's sort of, Emphasized those things or made it seem like he was also into [00:07:00] those things. And, um, you know, showed me that he was in therapy and was taking these healing classes and told me we could lead retreats together.
We could work with clients together. We could build a retreat center together on his land. It was, it was like creating this fantasy of everything I wanted in a partner. And I believed it. Like I really, truly thought that I had found the love of my life that the rest of my life was going to unfold in this magical fashion with this person who really saw me and understood me and was meeting me as a strong, powerful, intelligent woman, but none of that was real.
Um, In fact, I think he was actually just mirroring my best character traits and shining them back to me. And I was actually falling in love with the best parts of [00:08:00] myself, um, not with who he really was.
Bre Wolta: They're, they're creating a persona, like they're putting, putting on the mask and playing the part, right? And we talk about being further into the relationship, that mask starting to fall. Where that persona starts to come off. But in the beginning it's, it's so tempting and intoxicating to believe the reality that they're creating, especially if you haven't had great relationships up to this point and you're like, Oh my God, this is what love is supposed to feel like.
This overwhelming flood of desire and this person matching me perfectly. Um, it's hard to, to see beyond. And I think part of us doesn't want to see beyond because it feels so absolutely, specifically perfect.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yes, absolutely. And I think maybe there's even parts of us that can't comprehend that someone would, [00:09:00] actually lie so extensively and create a false reality to get their needs met. And it's so disturbing on a fundamental level to me now to know that people like this exist in the world. It shattered some, some innocence.
I think that I had where I used to give people the benefit of the doubt. Of the doubt and I always think, you know, highly or the best of people. Um, and that's a highly sensitive person and an empath, um, which aren't, you know, we're often the targets for these individuals, it just never occurred to me, never in a million years, would it have occurred to me that someone would create a false reality for me to live in.
So they could extract what they needed from me while also causing trauma, you know, in my body, mind. Heart and soul and, um, just extracting and [00:10:00] taking and manipulating, lying, betraying. It's, it's like so diabolical. And I think if you haven't been through it, it's really difficult to understand what it feels like, what the experience of that really feels like.
Bre Wolta: The complete self serving nature of it and them in the beginning really, really putting you up on this pedestal and creating your self worth and really amplifying you as a person and then slowly starting to chip that away because they know exactly all of the right buttons to push and strings to pull.
And as you're talking, I'm wondering, like, I've not been in a, in a cult, a cult of more than one, but I'm wondering when you're in a cult of multiple, where there's multiple people that are experiencing the same thing. If that is easier to understand how one person can manipulate so many people, almost because it [00:11:00] depersonalizes that it was about you.
But I know one thing that I struggled with and that my clients struggle with is How could he do this to me? And it feels so personal because you have, you have invested your love in this person and they've told you that they love you too. So there's like a intimacy. I don't know. I'm just curious. I'm just sort of talking through this out loud.
If there's that same sort of intimacy that cult followers feel towards The leader as a one to one narcissistic relationship.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah. I'm curious. I'm curious about what creates that distortion and attachment. You know, the trauma bonding process of what happens in our physiology that creates that addiction to the abuse cycle of the highs and lows, like I imagine, because many people in cults get stuck. In them, that they are experiencing some level of the same felt sense [00:12:00] experience of being bonded to the person that's causing them harm insofar as like they can't leave. It's almost actually easier to stay, I think, in either case, like whether it's a cult or it's a one on one relationship because the pain of the detox. From the trauma bond, the pain and the grief of the loss of the relationship, of the fantasy, going through the process of healing your physiology and your brain and your heart and your body is so difficult and confusing and painful, especially in isolation, that it's, it's easier for it to stay.
It's easier for people to stay oftentimes.
Bre Wolta: Yeah. I, I really believe that we cannot heal this in isolation. Like we, we have, Because of the nature of what's happening and the false reality we've been living in and the lies that we've been fed and the gaslighting that we're doing to ourselves too, we need the outside person to [00:13:00] help us get back into what reality actually is.
And you touched on the addictive cycle. So let's talk about, let's talk about that on how addicting these relationships feel and why they feel so hard to let go of and detox from.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah. I don't know about you, Bre, but like, I have a, like a, almost like a living memory of what that felt like, the intoxication, of the highs. in my system that I can still sense into, and I know what it is, and I know that it's toxic, and I know that I can never have it again, and I know that I confused it with love, but it's so powerful and so intoxicating.
Um, like what happens to us physiologically when we are love bombed and then [00:14:00] devalued and there's conflict and then coming back together and we're love bombed and devalued and there's conflict. It's like very similar to what happens to somebody who is sitting at a slot machine they keep losing but they win once and then they keep losing and losing and losing and losing but they keep.
Trying again, um, to their own detriment. The, the physiological experience of, of the addiction cycle in my narcissistic relationship is one of the craziest, most absurd, awful, horrifying experiences of my life. And the craving that we experience for the person who's harming us. Wild.
Bre Wolta: Yeah. And really the, the drug part of this for me, if we break this down, it's the, it's the, the holding back onto that I'm worthy that we're okay [00:15:00] because we're, the love bond phase is really meant to put us in a state of euphoria. It's too much, too soon. It's overwhelming. Our, our nervous system, our, our dopamine is firing, our oxytocin is firing, right?
We have a lot of brain chemicals that are aiding in this process, too, and we're in this place of I'm chosen, I'm worthy, I'm loved, and then to your point about the devaluation, then they start to pull away in whatever way that's happening. We start to feel abandoned. We start to lose confidence that we are chosen and lovable and wanted.
So then we're freaking out, right? That's sort of the low point of, Oh my God, I need that hit again to validate that I'm okay in this relationship, that I'm okay in the world. And then, and then we seek, we seek the way to create the experience to get the validation. And that is, it's coming from such a panicked place. [00:16:00] I think back to the former original point about our self worth, when your worth is really low and dependent on the other person validating that, then that puts you in a, in a very out of control place. Because if they decide to take that away, then you're fucked.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yep.
Bre Wolta: And you have to claw your way back, whether it be through sex or walking on eggshells or biting your tongue or choking back your needs.
Like it's, we learn how to survive in survival, meaning stopping the fighting so we can get the validation so we can feel okay.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Absolutely. Yeah, it's so
Bre Wolta: exhausting. I'm exhausted talking about it.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: And even more complicated when you don't realize that there are parts of you who feel unworthy and that's why you are trapped there in the first place. Because I was under the impression that I was, um, [00:17:00] had already done my work. And, um, was meeting this fully formed human who was going to walk beside me.
And that was absolutely not the case. Um, but so confusing and so excruciating to, to heal from when you can no longer have that hit. you know, finally, that the fix is what is causing harm and you start looking within, ending the relationship. Doing the healing work that's required. It's excruciating.
Bre Wolta: And I think it's important to name that these relationships chip away the self worth even further. So you might've come in having done some work around this stuff and not having been like totally at your lowest of your self worth point, but through their manipulation and their expertise with really narrowing in on it.
[00:18:00] What are our pain points? What is our wounding? How can I specifically make her feel a certain way? Right? They, they are experts at reading people and knowing what to say to get them to do what they want. So it's a combination of having lower self worth and then being, being manipulated and, and extracted from and like pushed down even lower.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yep.
Bre Wolta: So, I don't want women to think that the only reason they got into a narcissistic relationship is because their self worth is low. That's not, that's not true. It's a both and situation, but them picking away at it puts us further into this addiction hole where we become more dependent on just them to validate, to get us out of that feeling of, of abandonment and worthlessness.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yes. And the research shows now that, you know, narcissistic personalities actually [00:19:00] target competent, intellectual, high achieving, successful, high level, high value women to devalue, to take us down,, which is likewise diabolical and horrifying. Um, but it's
Bre Wolta: it really is sick.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: It's not our weakness or, um, Some of those other myths about people that end up in these relationships that that's not, that's not the real reason all the time.
Bre Wolta: And let's talk about the detox period because I spent previous to being a relationship clarity coach, I spent almost a decade in the addiction world. And in the way that I focus my program, I talk about a detox and what it feels like to come out of these relationships because it's so fucking similar in when we're letting go of a physical substance or a behavior or a relationship.
Yeah. [00:20:00] Especially one that's feeding this, hormone cycle in our brain, it's working with our dopamine receptors in the same way that cocaine is, or another drug is, and taking away the pain in the same way that those things are. What did that detox feel like for you?
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Oh, it was really one of the most awful, excruciating experiences of, of my life. And I feel like I can't overstate that. And I know that people who have been through it know what I'm Talking about, uh, it's not something I would have understood had I not experienced it myself. Could intellectually understand what was happening and I did a lot of psychoeducation and research trying to find helpers and guides and educators and books and films, anything that I could to help me make sense of my experiences.
But, you know, at that point I had already lost like 20 pounds and a half of my [00:21:00] hair. And that sort of continued that I wasn't able to feed myself properly. I wasn't sleeping. I was using cannabis every night to sleep. Um, the pain in my body, my physical body, in my heart, in my head, it was like nothing I've, I've ever experienced.
And in order to move through that,, aside from, you know, finding support and therapy and books and those pieces, I really had to dig deep, into my toolbox and, you know, I started meditating every morning, which was basically me sobbing and convulsing on the floor, like processing the feelings, processing the things I was learning.
Um, I had to get rid of everything. That he had given me. I had to get rid of all digital photographs. I had a couple of burning ceremonies with friends, like sobbing and convulsing. Um, it was really awful [00:22:00] and traumatic. Like I sort of fell apart publicly. I was like walking around with. hanging out of my body, dragging, dragging on the ground behind me.
And, I did this pretty publicly on social media too, because I was trying to make sense of my experience and also be a lighthouse for others who maybe had experienced something else similar. Um, but I, you know, I went so far as like, I tried it in my car. So I had a car that. He hadn't written in or driven.
I, you know, scrubbed my body. I bought new sheets. I got rid of the couch we bought together. Like anything I could do to remove any triggers of the, of wanting the hit, of, of wanting the craving, you know, blocking his number, blocking him on social media, blocking him through email, blocking all of his family, like complete expunging of his essence, his person [00:23:00] from.
from my world, was required for me in the no contact phase in order to even begin to get a toehold on the healing process.
Bre Wolta: Because we anesthetize the pain in the relationship with the seeking of the validation from them when you take away Them there's no more person that can make that pain go away and just like a drug, right? We're we're using drugs in addictive ways In an addictive scope to take the pain away.
So when you take the drug away, you're just left with the pain. And oftentimes, depending on how long we've been in the relationship and our, you know, our previous childhood and history and wounding and all the things, we may or may not have the resources to be able to be with that pain without seeking the next relationship or seeking the next whatever to, to try to just make it go away. And I talked to my clients about the importance of replacing. [00:24:00] something that can make you feel safe or seen in that experience because you feel very raw and vulnerable when you take away all of your coping mechanisms and that's why working with somebody is vital during this period of time because otherwise the pain can get too great and you are like I'll just text him and tell him I miss him or I'll just text him to make sure Nothing has changed.
I'm not missing out on anything, right? We start to talk ourselves back into reaching back out and why that's an okay decision when we know that that's not an okay decision on some level, but the pain is, is taking over our, our decision making. So to have somebody that you can text instead,? I do this for my clients where they, they text me or they come on Slack and they're like, I really want to reach out to him.
The pain is unbearable. I don't, I'm not going to get through this. And they just say whatever they need to say that they would have otherwise texted him. And it's a different, it's a different type of support [00:25:00] so that you can feel like some padding around the jaggedness of that experience of going through the detox.
Right.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: It's so critically important to have that support and validation and affirmation from others. I run a similar WhatsApp support group where women can share what they're going through and we can be there for each other. And it's, it's vital because of the isolation that's experienced in these relationships.
And then the difficulty with the detox and even understanding what, what you've been through when you're still in it. It's so, so challenging. Um, and in my case too, it's like it got to the point twice where I even experienced suicidal ideation, which is not something I have experienced before in my life, but the pain and the overwhelm.
Of having to put one foot in front of the other. Like I'm, I'm in grad school for the third time. I'm a single mom. I'm running a business. I'm seeing [00:26:00] clients, you know, I'm doing all of these things while trying to go through this healing process. And I think because of like the work I do in the world that people sort of think like, Oh, she's got it. Like she's okay. But one thing I learned through this was like, There actually aren't a lot of experts out in the world aside from people who have been through this. It's still like a burgeoning thing in the psychotherapy world. And the experts, the de facto experts are people like you and I, who have been through it, who have been able to metabolize it and then offer it.
And so I'm so grateful for all of the people who have healed out loud, who have a social media presence, who are showing up in these spaces. to offer tools and skills and, and reflection on narcissistic abuse because it's so, so, so needed and so important because the, the depth of the detox can get, [00:27:00] can get really dark.
And if you don't know what you're in or what's happened to you and you don't have that support, that's, that's when it can get really scary for people.
Bre Wolta: It's not uncommon to experience depression for the first time or to, in my experience, like I had never felt grief like I had felt, heartbreak is not even , it doesn't even do it justice. It was like he ripped my heart out and was driving back and forth over it was just running back and forth over it and it was a continual re herding, like it wasn't just a one break , it was just total like trampling of my.
Of my heart. And I know for me, my situation was, it was easier to go no contact because the narcissistic abuse really escalated and his masks totally shattered and his behavior was no longer justifiable. But what would you say to the woman who has left and is like, well, [00:28:00] I'm not with him anymore, but I still just want to peek in on his social media every now and then.
I still want to, Maybe not send him a text directly, but I just want to, I just want to know what's going on in his world. What would you say to her?
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: I would probably start with some internal family systems. Reframes on like, who is the part of you that is, is wanting to reach out because I know in myself when I feel those feelings or cravings that that's a signal in my system that there is a part of me, a younger part, most likely, that is seeking some connection or validation or affirmation of some kind that is maybe locking adult self, me, Out of the room.
And so I would explore that with them with some curiosity and, and, um, ask some questions around what does that part of you need, like, how can we meet her needs so that you can let go [00:29:00] of, of seeing them on social media or checking up on them, getting that hit.
Bre Wolta: And, and, my favorite thing is to just ask myself, like, what, what is my intention, right? It's like, if I'm going on social media to look at his page, why? Is it because I just want to see what he's doing? Okay, why? Because I want to know if he has a new girlfriend. Why? Because then that will confirm that he is a piece of shit.
Why? Why is that important? Then it will validate my experience. Oh, well, can you validate your experience without having to have all of that other things happen? And, and I take my clients through that exercise of , what, what is the intention and why, why, to your point, to get to that younger part of us, it's like, I just want to know that I was cared about.
I just want to know that it was real. I just want to know that he's not a sociopath because we're seeking Again, to take away some of that [00:30:00] pain. That younger part of us is like, I don't know how to be in this. And it needs, it needs that loving parent to come in and be like, it doesn't matter what he's doing.
It doesn't matter what stories we make up about what he's doing. You're lovable, you're worthy. Whatever, again, whatever it is that that part needs to, to hear.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah, I love that. And it's, those opportunities are always a chance to turn back towards ourselves and get curious about what's needed here. And, and to continue doing that healing work so we don't repeat these patterns again.
Bre Wolta: Yeah, and it takes away the judgment. I think when we can look at everything like, we're doing everything for a reason. I'm wanting to look at his social media for a reason, because there's a part of me who needs something. Instead of, I'm, I'm sucking at healing, I'm failing at healing, and I just keep going back to his [00:31:00] social media page.
therefore puts me in judgment, therefore pushes me backwards in my ability to be curious about myself and to actually find the healing. So the more that you can meet yourself with compassion and have helpers in your field, in your, orbit that are helping you remind yourself that this is normal and we're just trying to figure out, you know, what part of you needs what, that will help you progress in your healing so much faster.
than trying to strong arm this on your own and getting swirled in your own thoughts and taken back into the, the rabbit holes of isolation and darkness.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah. And I think, you know, to your point earlier that it's really impossible to do in isolation, to do it well. Um, it's so important to have people who can reflect back to you, your experience and normalize what's happening physiologically and psychologically. [00:32:00]
Bre Wolta: Yeah, because we do have that physiological component in these types of addictive relationships, just like we do in an addiction to a substance. So your body has gotten very familiar with this cycle of lack and then seeking the dopamine and then getting the hit and then lack and then seeking the dopamine and getting the hit.
And so we have to, we have to aid the body with the mind and a lot of that comes into the nervous system regulation piece of healing. Because if we're just trying to analyze our way through these relationships, we're neglecting the whole other side of ourself that was impacted by this. The cycle and the experience,
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yes. We've got to go back to the body.
Bre Wolta: is the more painful part. Like, again, it's easier to stay in sort of the, the analyzation of things as opposed to the feeling of things. I, in my experience, I was trying to, betrayal was a part of my [00:33:00] story, and I was trying to understand how someone could betray somebody, how someone can cheat.
And I thought by understanding that, it would take away the pain of the experience. But knowing what betrayal was versus feeling betrayed are two different, completely different experiences. And the latter is a lot more painful because you have to be with yourself and what you experienced and what is coming up in your body because of what you experienced.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yes, I absolutely relate to that. 100%.
Bre Wolta: Oh, any last words you want to leave the listener with around the addiction cycle or the cult dynamics or hope and healing?
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah, I think for listeners out there, if you are in the midst of a healing process, wherever you are at, to just know that healing is possible. And in fact, is probable. And I believe our bodies have innate wisdom and they know what to do when we have the right [00:34:00] containment and support to heal from something like this.
And I can say with a fair amount of certainty that after a year of some deep reflection and healing work and therapy that I now have a flexible, nervous system that I am living within and it is a beautiful magical thing and I am so grateful and it's, it's possible. It's possible for, for anyone with the right support.
Bre Wolta: I love that. We just have to learn how to be with the pain just like we have to learn other skills in our life. If we're not, if we hadn't been taught that previously, then that's just a skill that we don't yet have, but we can learn. And once you can dive sort of headfirst into that pain and be with it, you will move through those waves with more ease as opposed to [00:35:00] half diving in, half getting pummeled by the wave for several years at a time,
people always ask me like, how long is this going to take? I'm like, It's dependent on how willing you are to, to go into the wave, to be with, with the pain of what, what happened to you.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: And that's really the beautiful piece of something so horrifying, is, is learning to love yourself is generating that self compassion, learning to be with yourself in a different way, learning to show up differently in the world, it's such a gift and such an awful way to get to it. Um, but there is a gift, I think, at the end for many of us.
Bre Wolta: It's like the, um, gems, you know. Gems are, on the outside they look like rocks, a lot of them. And you have to break open the rock in order to see the beauty on the inside. And that process of, of breaking it open [00:36:00] is, is not pleasant in a lot of ways. But the, the beauty that you can gain on your, for yourself from the other side is, is amazing.
Worth it. Like, I would, I would go back through my experience exactly the way that it was because it's led me exactly to this place. And when we can find purpose in what that was all about, like not, not just personally, but professionally, like I wouldn't be here on this podcast if I didn't go through, I would be able to hold beautiful space for women.
Like there's, there's so much that you, the listener might not be able to see yet, but to trust and have some, some sort of faith in that there's gotta be, there's gotta be a bigger purpose for this. And that purpose might be that this is the final relationship where you don't Put yourself first or where you don't have boundaries or whatever.
There gets to be so many little beautiful shifts if we allow it to happen.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah. The [00:37:00] trust.
Bre Wolta: Yes. Okay. Let's pull an Oracle card. You can help me get a message for the listeners here. So go ahead and close your eyes. We'll just tune into the deck, tuning into what the listeners need to hear today. And I'm starting to shuffle, so whenever you feel like the shuffle's complete, you just let me know when to stop. Flow.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Ah.
Bre Wolta: So it looks like honey dripping off of a What is it called? A honey scoop? Or like a
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: I think we got this card the last time, or the
Bre Wolta: Did we get this?
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: I think so. Yeah.
Bre Wolta: And I was trying to figure out the name of thing. Oh, this is hilarious. Okay. I don't pre pull these cards. This is awesome. So Flo says, listen to Mother Ocean. She has a story to tell you.
It's a story of movement, of motion, of flow. Allow yourself to rest [00:38:00] in the gentle rise and fall of the tides now. Life's natural rhythms. Even if you find yourself lost in the raging sea or swept into the riptide, relax into it. Fighting the tides only puts you at risk of drowning. Trust the universe is holding you afloat like a sweet gentle waves of the ocean.
Notice where you feel stuck. Move your body. Drink water. Soak in a tub. Water is your teacher. Learn from her all you need to know about finding your flow. Expand, contract, swirl, fill, ripple, gurgle, ebb and flow.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Beautiful.
Bre Wolta: That's been an important message if we keep getting it, Hillary.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: It's so apt.
Bre Wolta: All right. Remind the listeners where they can find you and your work if they want to get connected.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Yeah, you can find me on Instagram at indwellingduluth or on my website, indwellingduluth. com.
Bre Wolta: Beautiful. And we'll link your past episodes because you share your story in detail [00:39:00] in part two episodes. And then we go into even more depth in a third episode, around narcissists using sex as manipulation and what that, what that looks like. Beautiful. Thank you so much, Hilary.
Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde: Thank you, Bre.
Thank you for being with me through this conversation with Hillary. I know that some of the things that we touched on are pretty intense and very, um, serious. As we talk about cult dynamics and being in a cult of one in a narcissistic relationship. So thank you for being here. Thank you for allowing yourself to receive this information.
And just to recap what we talked about so that you can really sit with what we went over in this episode. You now know how narcissistic relationships. Mirror that control like dynamic in a cult and how that keeps you trapped.
You also know how these toxic bonds actually rewire your brain. And keep you dependent and addicted on them, which is why it [00:40:00] feels so hard to leave.
And you now know the steps that you can take to start to detox from this addictive cycle and really break free from this manipulation.
As I mentioned in the beginning of the episode, Hillary is one of our fan favorites here on the heartbreak to wholeness podcast.
So the show notes have her other episodes that are linked there.
And I want to point you towards the free resource called the three ways to recognize a love bombing guide. This is a free guide of mine that I put together to help you be able to see those red flags and to have some awareness around. If you're being loved, bombed. Especially, because that is the beginning of these types of addictive narcissistic, abusive relationships cycles.
So click through the show notes for that free guide. And as always, this podcast is for you. You are not alone. And I will see you in the next episode. [00:41:00]