ShaVaughn Elle (00:00.942)

Hello, hello, hello and welcome to the Muses Lab podcast. It's your girl, ShaVaughn Elle And I have some thoughts on my mind that have nothing to do with pop culture. They have nothing to do with what's going on in today's world. Well, you know what? Maybe it might be slightly adjacent to what's going on in today's world. I am having challenges.

with being active in my local community.

Yeah, I'm not going to tell you where I'm not going to say here where I'm from, but just I'm going to say I'm having challenges being active in my my local community. If you are a if you if you follow me one, if you're part of the Muses Lab community and if you have been listening to this podcast since its inception in twenty twenty two, I cannot believe I've been doing this for three years. Shout out to myself.

If you have been just immersed in this community in some way, then you know where I'm from so For for the context of this episode. I'm not going to identify where I'm from Because I want to speak freely. I Mean I would speak freely anyway, but I want to speak freely and I want my my thoughts to Be

removed from any external bias and I really want to just speak to this because I'm not I may not Depending on where my thoughts go. I may not give direct examples However, I I am going to speak from a very personal place, right? So I want to be I want to be candid I Guess in my mind without throwing

ShaVaughn Elle (02:02.53)

without throwing my city under the bus. But we live on earth, right? So there's always going to be a spectrum of things that are great and a spectrum of things that are adverse. And I want to start off by saying that I have always been active in my community ever since I was a kid, right? So y'all know I'm from Jersey, so that much I'll give you. Most of you know that I am a Marine brat.

I was born in Norfolk, Virginia. I traveled. My father was stationed in Buffalo, New York, San Diego, California. Unfortunately, San Diego is where the end of my parents' marriage began. And my mom is from Jersey, so we moved back to Jersey. And this is where I've been ever since. Separation, then soon divorce, right? So I was raised in New Jersey, so I claim Jersey as my home, even though Virginia is...

my origins. I always have connections there. I have connections up state New York. I have connections to California because those are the places where I spent most of my time and where parts of me exist. Right. But I'm essentially homegrown here in Jersey. So I'm a Jersey girl. So since I since I've been a kid, I've always been in my community. It started off in the church as with most Black children.

I was very active in the church. My grandfather actually is the one who brought me into the church and my mother, even though she was not ready at the time to be active in the church again, she made sure that I had a spiritual development and she allowed my grandfather to be the conduit of that spiritual development. So my activism, if you will, or being active, volunteerism, all of that for me started in the church.

Most churches have community events. You do outreach. You do some type of pantry. There's some type of volunteerism, activism that's happening in the community to uplift the community because the church is supposed to be the cornerstone of the community, right? Whether it's from a spiritual perspective or a community perspective, the church has a very intricate part of the fabric of Black communities in general, right?

ShaVaughn Elle (04:25.198)

So that's where I began. And then when I transitioned into school, started going into grade school, we had volunteer opportunities. I volunteered there. I was a part of a lot of youth programs growing up. So that also provided opportunities for me to be active in my community. So ever since I was a kid from grammar school through college, I have always been active in my community. was a-

heavily active in my college community and in the broader community of the city of Atlanta as I was matriculating at the illustrious Clark Atlanta University, I was active in my community then. I've always been a leader. I've always been someone who is in service of, that has always been me. I've always been some sort of mentor, some sort of guide. I've worked with youth.

I've worked with adults, I've taught, I am a teacher, I am soon to be a working professor, an active professor. So I've always been a teacher, an educator of some sort. And I've always used that as my entry point to be active in the community, to share my knowledge and to give back. Because that was one of the things that they instilled in us as a young person.

to always return particularly as Black people to turn around and give back to your community because your community gave to you and it is your duty, it is your duty as someone coming from an urban community to turn around and give back to the youth what your elders and your community and your village gave to you. So I was very, how do you say, I was very adamant about pouring back into my community.

I was definitely part of the alumni association of my alma mater for a very long time, recruiting other students, going to different festivals, events, college tours, college events. I was there. I was a representative of my community, of my academic community and the community that raised me. I was a judge for luck.

ShaVaughn Elle (06:44.374)

Lincoln Douglas debates for the National Forensics League. A lot of people don't know that about me. I did that for four years. I was an active judge and not just a judge, I was also a coach for one of the debate teams. So I've always been active. And then life hit me. Life hit me so fucking hard and some people tend to...

despite the fact that they're going through, they still find a way to give back to their community. They still find a way to be active in their community. I did not. I retreated. I retreated because I needed to get myself to get, I did not know how to show up for other people without being able to show up for myself. My brain doesn't work that way. My brain does not know how to properly show up for people without.

Properly showing up for myself and in the moments that I have compromised myself Because I didn't want to deal with my own shit and I just poured into other people I lost myself. I lost parts of myself that I'm not able to get back I was able to recover some things, but I lost parts of myself that I was unable to get back But I want to talk about Or what I want to focus on for a second or

for however long my brain is gonna allow me to stay here. I wanna talk about giving back to the community and not getting anything in return. And I know those of you who are listening to this is like, well, that's not the whole point. Maybe.

Maybe, but you cannot deny that as a human being, that when you give, there is a hope. It may not be an expectation. There is a hope that there's reciprocity, that there is acknowledgement. And if anyone who's listening to this podcast episode says, no, that's not true, you're full of shit. You're full of shit. There is.

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There is nothing in our human DNA makeup that makes us give without the hope of reciprocity. We may, yes, give selflessly. We may give without expectation, but hope and expectation are not the same thing. You hope. You receive something that something circles back to you.

that there is something reciprocal that happens.

In the form of compensation for those whom which you give freely to, there's always a hope. And in the community where I was raised, I gave all, if I may say, I gave a large part of myself and got

nothing.

barely even a thank you. In fact, because I did not navigate my career, my developing career, and I was young at this, I was just out of college, giving back to my community, working in social services, teaching. I used to work for a welfare to work program. You're not gonna know which one it is, because it's 11 of them in Jersey. So I worked for a welfare to work program and

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I was an educator, wasn't an official teacher. I feel like there's a certification that you get. There's K through 12 and other types of certifications that you have to become what we label as a teacher, right? Or maybe I classify myself as that. But what I can say is that I'm an educator and I was operating as an instructor, as an educator, facilitating education in a social services program for adults.

And they were all older, majority of them were older than me. So I am teaching adults who have been on this earth longer than I have, I'm teaching them how to transition or develop, I should say develop skills, business skills, business communication skills that will allow them to be employable in the workforce, whether it's corporate or whether it's some other form of traditional nine to five. I am teaching.

These adults, me, fresh out of college and fresh out of undergrad, I'm teaching these adults job skills, business communication skills, and I created the class myself. So not only am I an educator, I'm a curriculum developer. There's so many things that I have done in my career and just in my work career, not specifically in a particular industry, but just in my working career where

I can claim that I am this because I did it and I implemented it, right? So here I am giving back to my community in the means of education. I'm instructing, I'm preparing those to go to return back into the workforce to help them be more employable. And I dove deep into that. I dove deep into that. And in the midst of that, I found my path. There are two things, there are two.

careers, I would say that are, maybe I could call it a dream deferred, but a calling missed. I don't know, I mean, you can always reinvent yourself, right? But I don't know if those two paths are or will be available to me at this stage in my life. There are two paths that I could have taken where I would have thrived.

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because I operate in those spaces without proper training now. I had an HR path, which is essentially why I back to get my master's degree in the first place. I have an HR, there's an HR path that I could have taken, and there is a licensed clinician path that I could have taken. I could have taken any of those two career paths and been amazing because I operate in those spaces.

very lightly, very loosely, I operate in those spaces now in my current life in what I do right now. So in the midst of me working as an instructor, giving back to my community as an educator, I found myself on the HR path and I wanted to explore that. But because the people who thought they were steering my career,

didn't want me that way. They wanted me to stay in the educator, on the educator path, but I did not want to do that. They wanted me to stay on the educator path. And I wanted to move in HR. When I made certain decisions to move into more of an HR employee, employee services, employee engagement type of role, I received backlash. I received...

negative reactions. I then became blackballed I'm giving you the abridged version. I then became blackballed because I didn't follow the instructions and the path of the adults who thought they were mentoring me. I did not follow the path that they wanted me to take. So because I did not follow the path that they wanted me to take, they sabotaged me.

and left me without resources, left me to learn how to be resourceful for myself, and left me in general. They distanced themselves from me because I became a liability to their plan. So when people are pontificating on social media about

ShaVaughn Elle (15:26.882)

Are you active in your community? Do you do this? Do you do that? Because if you're on social media saying people shouldn't do this and people shouldn't do that, and you're not in your community doing the things that you are saying that people should do, that makes me feel away. It makes me feel away because I was that person. I was the person who was very active in the community. I was the person who was becoming very well known with dignitaries in the community.

finding myself around and way in the political sector. I was that person. People now still know me. I'm old as hell and so are they, but they know who the fuck I am. People can't say, people can't act like they don't know me. People know me. They still do. So I started in my younger years, in my twenties, I started to...

create notoriety with myself where people would come to me and ask me to assist them with specific projects or ask for my expertise. And I wasn't even in my 30s yet. I was in my early to late 20s and people were coming to me and asking me for my expertise on things in the nonprofit sector. When I went back and got my master's degree, which I was again supposed to take an HR path.

I did my master thesis on nonprofit sustainability, so I was very much entrenched in the nonprofit world. I've helped people find and write grants. I've helped people build community programs. I was a program developer. I've done all of those things.

So now, in my later years, as I'm trying to figure out what my entryway is back into the community that took from me, I find myself not necessarily at an impasse, but I find myself in a very awkward space. Because there are things that I am trying to do.

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that require me to be visible in my community. And it's becoming very challenging for me to step back into that role.

ShaVaughn Elle (17:48.578)

I'm triggered, if you will.

because I see that not much has changed.

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Not much has changed. It's just new faces carrying out the same agenda. And that bothers me. That bothers me because the spaces that I am looking to occupy do not have disruptors. And I, my friends, am a disruptor. I am the person that comes and flips everything on its head because I see

what it can be, not necessarily potential.

I see what it can be. I see what it needs. I see the ways that it can grow. I see the ways that it can be beneficial to the people who are in use of it, in need of it. I see how things can work, can grow, can flourish. And I want to get it on that path. But unfortunately, 95 % of the people don't see it that way.

they're comfortable in the antiquatedness, if you will. And that 5 % who see my vision are too set in their ways to buck up. So then it leaves me by myself trying to flip everything on its head, which means I have everyone against me and no one with me. That is a lonely path to walk.

And quite frankly, I'm tired of walking that path.

ShaVaughn Elle (19:36.782)

I'm tired of being a disrupter. Well, I'm not tired of being a disrupter. I'm tired of being a disrupter by myself. I'm never gonna get tired of being a disrupter because that's genetically who I am. That's just who I am. My mother's a disrupter. That's in my DNA. My mother's a disrupter. My father in his own way is a disrupter. My grandmother is a disrupter. That's just how, that's just my lineage. That's who I am.

So that's something that's never gonna change, but I'm tired of walking that path by myself.

Folks talk about being a community and asking people to help you, which I don't disagree with. I agree that we need to be a community. I agree that we need to ask people to help. I agree that we need to ask people for resources. We need to ask people for support. I agree. I agree with all of those things. But folks got to be on your timeline in order for that shit to work. And when you got too many people that's going against you and not willing,

to take a chance and to take a risk to support you and to follow you and to be in the space with you, it makes trying to ask for help challenging. Especially when you ask for help and now you got people wanting to poke holes in the shit. You trying to show people your vision and you got people questioning, over questioning your vision. Like, yes, sure, we need to test it to make sure.

That it's not too aspirational, that it's doable, that it's timely, that it's actionable. I get that. But there's a difference between asking questions about how seamlessly this can be executed, how efficient this could be, the efficacy, the longevity, the plan for long-term growth. There's a difference between asking for that and then it's, well, why you gotta do blah, blah, blah.

ShaVaughn Elle (21:39.928)

Well, what's the point of doing X, Y, Z if ABC is one, two, three? So there's a different type of questioning that people ask. And a lot of people are the latter, the why you gotta. Well, what's the point? I don't understand. I don't see why. And when you have too many people that have that type of negative, adverse-like energy, that leaves you again walking this lonely road. And then you feel defeated.

start asking yourself, well, what is the point? If I got to do this by myself and we're supposed to be in community, what's the point? How do I expect, how do I expect to show up and be in community with people when they don't actually want to do the true community work?

when they don't actually want to impart change.

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when they're comfortable complaining and saying that we need to do things different, but it's just lip service. There's no implementation. There's no strategy. There's no vision. And when someone comes with the strategy and the vision, they're always poking holes in it. Is it because it wasn't your idea? But it doesn't have to be your idea because you said you wanted change. So here's someone coming with an idea for change.

but because it's not your idea, because for whatever reason you just refuse to create it, now that can't live. So it's too many variables that's happening when someone is trying to advance the community, hold people in the community accountable, shift.

culture, shift the energy, shift the dynamic, there's too many variables that go against that. So when

ShaVaughn Elle (23:58.52)

You're here.

Trying to be who you say you are. Trying to put your words into actions. And the environment around you has been designed by others who have set certain things in motion. The environment has been designed to go against you. How do you then show up for your community? Do you then...

abandon ship and pivot to a community who's receptive.

Or do you just keep kind of beating the dead horse in the mouth?

Like, what's the solve for that? And that's kind of where I'm at. I wanna be active. I wanna show up. I'm tired of complaining and not putting my words into action. I wanna be visible.

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but I also don't want to burn out at the same time.

I don't wanna have a self-fulfilling prophecy and be like, this is why I don't do this shit in the first place. I don't want to do that. I wanna have the perseverance. I wanna have the resilience. I wanna have the fortitude. I want to start to do and then magnetize others who want to do with me and develop a coalition, a cohort of us who are actively making change.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to get started. And then sometimes I feel like I need to bust up the place and just flip everything on his head in order to shake the fucking table.

Maybe I am at an impasse with what I want to do and what I have capacity to do. Because whilst I am desiring to be active in my community, I'm also trying to preserve myself. I'm also trying to show up for myself. I'm also a caretaker.

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I a less hyper-local community that I've built, that I'm trying to maintain. And while I know there are so many women in particular who manage so many different parts, so many different things, the thought...

of actually implementing all that I'm seeing in this vision for myself, all that I am desiring in this vision for myself, it toggles me between already feeling burnt out, but also feeling energized.

ShaVaughn Elle (27:03.15)

I don't really know which way to go.

Because how do you still show up for a community that is in so many ways turned its back on you? How do you still give?

It's like America. It's like being Black in America. For Black people in the United States, we constantly show up for this country and it constantly turns its back on us. It is a very, it's a very toxic relationship that Black people have with the U.S. We are constantly showing up for people every single time. And every single time, dynamics of this country

gives us its ass to kiss. So how do you continue to show up for a culture, for a community that is constantly giving you its ass to kiss?

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We're like desperate parents trying to ensure our child continues to grow and develop into the best version of themselves.

That's gotta be exhausting. It is exhausting.

But it's, what do you do?

I wish I knew what the steps were. Particularly if you are trying to advance yourself in the name of community service. You're trying to be visible and connect with certain groups and organizations and you have a path and you have a vision and you feel like you can really do this. You can be an intricate part.

of these organizations and these groups and these community service groups, you feel like you can be a great asset to it. But because you've been out the game for so long, you gotta reestablish yourself. And the thought of reestablishing yourself, knowing that the landscape hasn't really changed much, it's just really giving you pause.

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We see so many things that can be of benefit to those who need.

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But it is a challenge to execute that when there are so many internal forces that are designed to either keep things the way they are or to ensure their faves are the ones who lead the charge.

There's a lot of orchestration happening in a lot of urban communities, communities in general. I'm pretty sure it's like that in non-black communities, particularly in Black communities. There's a lot of orchestration happening. There's a lot of people that are constantly trying to position people who they favor, whether they be family or friends of family or persons that they have established long relationships with. Matter of fact, we see it in our government, right? We have...

People who have been put in place that are not qualified to do certain roles But that orchestration keeps a power dynamic in play We can see those same type politics in our local communities We are asking for change But we have people in positions of power That are not going to change the way things need because if they change the way things need then they lose their power

then they lose their control. So in order to do that, they only go so far. They make small little divots of change, enough to kind of shut people up just a little bit, but they bring in people who have no idea how to maintain that change, who have no expertise or qualifications on how to push that forward. They put them in position so that they can just continue to remain in power and remain in control. So,

Those divots of change, those pockets of change that happen become null and void because who's able to keep it up? Like it was enough for you to be quiet and move on with your life, but two, three years down the line, you're wondering why these pockets of change have somehow disappeared or dissipated. Like what happened? Y'all said y'all was doing this. I saw this happen for three to six months, but here we are two, three years later.

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And nothing has moved past what you did three to six months when you first said you was going to do what you said you was going to do. And then the cycle begins.

It's literally a cycle. And you have one person that wants to be disruptive, that sees that the community can be better, that we can be better, that we deserve better. But that goes against the power structure that's been created. And the moment that you go against the power structure that has been created, you've put a target on your back. And those people will do anything to shut you the fuck up.

As a disruptor, is that something that I want to experience at this stage in my life? Is that the energy that I want to have to go up against every single time I'm trying to do the right thing? What is the right thing? What does the right thing even look like? How do I even know it's right? I can say that I'm divinely guided. I can say that I'm following my intuition.

but I'm So unfortunately, that muster seed of doubt is very, very strong. I would prefer my muster seed of faith to be a lot stronger than my muster seed of doubt, but there's always a moment of questioning of whether or not, is this what I'm supposed to be doing?

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Did I just make this shit up in my head? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to be pushing the needle in this way? Am I supposed to be rocking the cradle in this way? Am I supposed to be shaking the table in this way? Is this my job? Maybe I'm just supposed to see that the table needs to be shook, but maybe I'm not the table shaker.

Maybe it's not me. I cycle through that. I don't know if any other people who are disruptors and or persons who want to implement change cycle through that, but I cycle through that on a daily basis. Is it me? I see it. I see what needs to happen. And I know the divine doesn't give you a vision just for nothing if there's a purpose. But I also know that sometimes they just let you see things just so you could be aware.

Right? know some things, some visions are for action and I know some visions are for awareness. What I am having the challenge with even in my season-ness of being in communion with my intuition and being self-aware even then because I'm not perfect, because I'm human. Even at this stage in my life, I'm still challenged with what is awareness and what is action.

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Some of that could be fear, my internal fear. Some of that could be overthought. Somebody posted a TikTok. I think it was Shelah Marie. She posted a TikTok the other day. She posted a TikTok about this person, because I don't want to misgender them. This creator said, I'm getting aggravated.

Cuz it pissed me off. I'm getting aggravated just think about it You you overthink so much. Why don't you overthink positive thoughts? I didn't even get through the whole video. I just closed my fucking phone

Cause how dare you?

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How dare you yell? The gall.

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fucking gall. Why don't you overthink positive thoughts? Shut up.

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Piss me off.

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Damn that shit piss me off, it's pissing me off right now.

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know how to switch. I don't know how to get my brain to overthink positive thoughts. Like, how does that even happen? I mean, it's genius. It's freaking it's fucking genius. But I don't even know how to do that.

But that, you have overthought. Like, so I don't know.

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And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being comfortable saying I don't know. I'm okay with being comfortable saying I am often cycling through overthought because I overthink everything, just not positive thoughts. I'm comfortable saying that as a person who is a natural disruptor, I am hesitant with moving forward in that space and that persona and that archetype.

in my community because I am afraid that I'm going to pissed off

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I'm afraid these people gonna piss me off and I'm gonna stress myself and I want my hair falling out. I have gotten my hair into a great space. I have done the work. I have gotten my hair into a great space. Even in the midst of my life falling apart, the one thing that I was successful at doing is maintaining my hair grew so much. It grew voluminous, voluminously and thick with volume. My hair look great because the first thing to go.

when I'm under immense stress, chronic stress is my hair. The thinning out that I have experienced over the last 15 years with my hair is insane.

I don't wanna go through that. I wish I, well, I shouldn't say that, but I am not, I'm not the person who loses weight with stress. I actually gain weight with stress. I gain weight and then my hair falls out. I don't have the wherewithal to recover, to put myself back together again from that as a result of.

putting myself out into a community, trying to be of service, trying to show up in activism. I don't have the capacity, at least that's what I'm telling myself right now. I don't have the capacity to put myself back together again from disappointment. I want to avoid certain type of disappointment as much as possible. Disappointment is essentially inevitable, but I don't wanna put myself in the line of fire.

I'm afraid to do it. I do not trust that once I put myself out there that I am going to be safe. I do not trust the safety in showing up for my community the way that I am required, that I am being required to show up in my community in order to be seen. Because those are the instructions from the divine for me. I have to now be seen. I have to come out of the shadows.

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have to allow myself to be perceived. It's hard. But I have to allow that because there's a greater purpose behind that. So to baby step that outside of allowing myself to be seen on the job, I have to allow myself to be seen in the community and I have to allow people to magnetize themselves to me. I have to allow people to get used to my face, to get used to hearing my name, to get used to seeing my name.

to be like, I seen you before. I have to get used to that. I have to allow myself to be that person because the vision requires me to do so. Who I am at the highest version of myself requires me to be seen. For me to be able to magnetize the people on my journey, in this human experience on my journey who are supposed to help me, support me, be in community with me, be in love with me. I have to be seen.

have to let people see me.

And I recognize that my entry point is community service, activism, being visible in my community, speaking up in my community, allowing my voice to be heard.

allowing myself to be recognized. I recognize, I see, I'm aware. That is my entry point. But doing that here, in the city where I live, man, that's hard.

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It's hard because how I see community service and how community service is defined in a lot of these spaces are totally different things. I cannot be performative. I cannot go, I'm just go to the nearest soup kitchen and just feed people. That's performative. I was working in soup kitchens when I was 10. That's performative for someone in their 40s.

Like what is the real change? What is the real activism? What is the real shift that can really be impactful? What is the impact at this age, knowing what I know, the wisdom that I've acquired? How can I take that wisdom and be impactful? The service has to look like that. The activism has to be that. It needs to be me taking

what I know and all the information and the knowledge that I've acquired. It has to be me taking that and re entering it, recycling it, recycling it back into the community.

I mean, soup kitchen is cool, that's great. But that's not me taking my skills and recycling it back into the community. All this knowledge that I have.

And I'ma just be like, I'ma go to the nearest food pantry and work.

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That's easy.

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How do I help these small businesses market themselves? Because that's what I do when I'm not doing this podcast. That's my corporate life. So how do I do that? How do I help these young people create a personal brand? How do I help these young people write the perfect college essay? Those are my skills. So how do I re-enter, re-incorporate myself back?

into the community and utilize my skills that allow me to be impactful. If I can't do that, then everything else is performative. Because what do I have all this knowledge for? If I don't use it in other ways. So.

Yeah.

That's where I'm at.

That's where I'm at. If you listen to this episode and you have some thoughts, DM me. If you're on Spotify, there's comments. If you're listening on any other platform, you can find me at The Muses Lab on Instagram, threads, and Tik Tok And message me, hit me up. Let me know how you feel. Even if you want to...

ShaVaughn Elle (44:10.614)

If you have thoughts and you actually want to do an episode with me so we can talk about that in real time and really discuss that, hit me up. Let me know.

But yeah, showing up for a community that hasn't been nice to you, that hasn't been in community with you, that has taken from you, that has strained you, that has tossed you aside, that has discarded you is really hard. That feels like a very nasty, toxic relationship that I'm not in a place at this time to reopen.

despite knowing that I need to heal that, despite knowing that I need to heal that, I'm very indifferent about it.

ShaVaughn Elle (45:03.33)

Maybe this will be a part two. Maybe I'll allow myself to see where this goes and I'll circle back to this and it'll be a part two. Anyhow.

Thank you for listening to me. Work through these thoughts in real time. And again, if you resonate, hit me up, let me know. You can also email me at hello at themuseslab.com.

ShaVaughn Elle (45:32.376)

Thank you for tapping into the Muse's Lab podcast. Until we meet again.