This is an AI transcription, apologies for any typos.

[00:00:00] Luke Bligh: It's like you are fighting reality. It's like you're kind of having an argument and a battle with what you know and what you've known. Not for seconds, but for years.

[00:00:12] Alex Melia: Welcome to Stories of Men Beneath the Surface. I'm Alex Melia. Join me as we discover what it means to be a man in the modern era.

There are many emotions that we struggle to deal with in day-to-day life. Anxiety, sadness, embarrassment, that can all creep up on us and catch us off guard when we least expect. Dealing with these emotions is hard and not as harder than dealing with grief. Luke was having a day like any other when he was walking to the shop and suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion.

[00:00:54] Luke Bligh: It felt like I walked into like a different plane or like a different timeline or the parallel universe. It felt really odd to me, and I remember seeing the car, I'm walking up this street and there's a street. Opposite me going like from left to right. Okay. And that's where the car's going left to right in front of me.

It just drives past, there are all these details on it that seemed really, really, really familiar. And I don't know, I just don't see that model of car from that year, that color. That often, this is such a stereotype that everything's slowed down and there's almost this reaction in my whole body from mind to heart to I think even how I was walking.

It was like I panicked and maybe my breathing changed. It was a weird, weird. Sensation and I just kind of zoomed in and locked into the number plate to double check that, you know, this car didn't belong to who I thought it belonged to. This is a car that I don't see every day. It's a combination of like a lot of things, like the right color, the right wheels, the right trim, the right everything.

You know, it was like the right uh, body language. And there's a lot of emotions, you know, going through your head when this is all unwrapping in a matter of seconds and you know, you're trying to step forward and rush to check the number plate and you're convinced it's the right color of the car and you're convinced that, oh, that could be.

And it felt like, well the only thing missing is this, is this number play. And it's like you are fighting reality. It's like you're kind of having an argument and a battle with. What you know and what you've known. Not for seconds, but for years. You've known this for years. You've dealt with this for years in your head.

You know that's not possible that she's in that car and that she's here, and yet you still do it despite knowing in reality, a, she couldn't have been my mum because. She died in winter 2019, but for those few seconds it felt like all of a sudden it's feasible that she was, she was back and she was just driving near my new house.

Maybe she's coming to visit my house, that she's not seen, and she's just like taking a wrong turning, which would be classic my mum, you know? But that's just not the reality.

You

[00:03:42] Alex Melia: really made me think about my granddad who, who died maybe like 10, 11 years ago, and think about all the imaginary scenarios that I created. After you saw that car, were you creating these imaginary scenarios? Because you mentioned in the story about how. You were, you know, imagining that your, your mom had taken this wrong turn towards your house and that was the kind of thing she'd do.

And Yeah, I was just curious because we do do that when we lose people, there's certain things that remind us of that person. I. Certain things that they did. Little idiosyncrasies as well.

[00:04:19] Luke Bligh: You fill in the blanks. You know, I've only, I've not long moved here as well, like I said, and I think to myself, oh, mum would like that.

And even, even, you know, my Mrs does it when Mrs goes, oh, that's so, you know, Karen, that's so this, that's so that, and yeah, you can't help but kind of. Make those assumptions because if anyone can make those assumptions, it's you, right? It's you. You have the authority to say what they liked and what they loved because you kind of knew them best.

So, yeah, but I, in, in a lot of ways it's, it's, it's, it's nice things. It's nice things to go, oh yeah, mom would love that.

[00:05:02] Alex Melia: And this is how, this is how, it's so interesting because this is just everyday life. This is just so relatable. I. And I'm sure people who are listening might have had those scenarios that you went through that day when you saw that car.

And it's the exact same car that, that your mom and Karen used to drive. And we, this is sort of thing we underestimate, I think, and the sort of thing that pe it doesn't really get talked about. And I think that's why this story was an interesting one to share. It's like, for example, when we hear about people who've died in the public eye, you're not.

You're not then hearing stories about how their children, or their, their spouses or family members are creating these imaginative scenarios as they're walking down the street, going to the supermarket, or they're in a particular, they're in the, the house that they're. Their, their family member or friend lived in, and they, certain things are reminding member of that.

You don't hear that?

[00:05:52] Luke Bligh: I think to, just to expand on that, I think you are, you are spot on, but I think it's normal and I, I'm not bitter about it at all. At all, but it's normal for people to move on quicker. Yeah. If it's not your parent, if it's not your parents, if it's not your grandparents, if it's not, you know, your family then.

The people around you, they feel for you. Of course they do. You know, they, they, they might have empathy or sympathy, but they've got their own issues. They've got their own problems. They've got their own worries, haven't they? For me, it was something that I struggled with that it's like, hang on, you guys have all moved on you.

It feels like you've forgotten. You know? And yet this still feels very real to me. Sometimes it feels like it was far away. Other times it still feels like it was last week. It's, it's a very odd thing, especially when you know, big moments like, you know, my dad not being at my wedding, or my mom not seeing my new house, or not being there when, you know, my, my niece was born last year, you know, that would've been her first granddaughter.

Things like that. That's where it's like, oh man. Yeah. It, it feels like there's a piece of the puzzle missing here a little bit.

[00:07:07] Alex Melia: Yeah. We have a, an interesting attitude towards, Towards death in the uk. It's different to perhaps some other cultures. I remember living in Sulford maybe seven years ago, and right outside my apartment block, there was this massive celebration going on.

I've, I don't know why, but I just felt like it was a celebration of someone's life. I don't know which country it was in Africa, but they were all wearing these incredible, incredibly colorful, uh, extravagant. Kind of, uh, head headdress clothing and they were dancing and singing around the church. They were just constantly going, making these, uh, these, these loops and white English people were just stood outside this church just looking at them in this kind of strange way.

But I've started to hear more about funerals in the uk, um, being more of a celebration of their life rather than. Okay, we, the rules are that you have to cry, you have to have these sort of, uh, you know, these negative emotions and feelings and, and it seems like when you see, when you see images or, or you think of your, your parents, you are, you're just filled with happy memories.

It sounds to me. I

[00:08:19] Luke Bligh: didn't cry either. In my parents' funerals, I cried like before and after, but at the time, Particularly with my dad's one, and you know, so many people came out to it. He was a really popular guy, my dad's and so many people came to it and, and part of me, of course, it's sad, of course it's difficult, but part of me was like, how can I be like crushed?

I can't be crushed that much because of how much love I'm feeling here from other people and how much my dad was loved. And you could, you could feel the love. In the room, you know, and, and I think what is maybe harder are the times afterwards when people aren't there. When you are on your own or you're with a spouse or you know, like what I said earlier, maybe there are moments where you just expect, or maybe you're programmed to think, Hey, a parent should be around now, or a grandparent should be around now, and they're not.

Those I think are the times where it's harder. I don't look back at. My childhood and my life with my parents, with any sort of anger or resentment because I had such a good upbringing. They were so good. They were so good. And I've got friends, very close friends who loved my parents as well, and maybe they've not been as fortunate as I have been with their parents.

Maybe they've got, you know, just the one parent who, who, who maybe has struggled with their own. Challenges and or maybe they've had a parent who's just not that nice to them sometimes, and that sucks to see that that is, you know, I've seen that with my friends. And you think, man, like how can you treat a kid like that?

A young man like that, you know, you're completely changing their mind, their headspace and their personality. Maybe it's because they were treated badly and I don't know, I think my parents just kind of bucked that trend a bit.

[00:10:19] Alex Melia: It's something that I spoke about in a, in a recent, uh, other podcast episode as well, is about do we, do we repeat the cycle, the vicious cycle of our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents?

Or do we, like you say, book that trend? Do we break that habit? We have these, this internal programming, these subconscious. Programs that our parents have built into us, and we can repeat that easily if we're

[00:10:45] Luke Bligh: not self-aware. I think that is something that is present in a lot of families, maybe even some of my friends, maybe even some of my family, you know, generational trauma, right?

That's, that's a real thing. And to think otherwise is, is you know, completely stupid and, um, It takes a strong person and a special person and a loving person to buck. That doesn't mean, doesn't mean everyone's perfect, doesn't mean any, you know, doesn't mean my parents are perfect, but generally I'm a bit biased.

But I felt like my brain was pretty perfect, really,

[00:11:23] Alex Melia: you know. It's about the quality of time that you spent with your parents. Quality for me would always outdo quantity every day of the

[00:11:34] Luke Bligh: week. Absolutely. Because if it's just about quantity, then it becomes just a task, doesn't it? It becomes difficult, and I think this is the same with any relationship, that there has to be that quality there and you need to put in the quality.

But when you're a parent, and I'm not a parent yet, my, my brother's just become. Uh, a parent and I'm really close to my brother and actually through all of this, I've got very close to my brother and we do look out for each other, and he's just had a a, a baby. I've got a niece, and even I. Uh, when she was born last year, my wife and I, who, who, who are so close with my brother, um, with my sister-in-law, you know, we're a really tight-knit family 'cause of all this horrible stuff.

We've been bonded. We've, we've kind of taken on the role as defacto grandparents. She'll, we're probably gonna embarrass her as she gets older, but we take that responsibility really serious and we feel like it's a. In an absolute privilege to be so present in her life already, even though she's just turned one.

It's. It's lovely. It's beautiful.

[00:12:41] Alex Melia: Well, this seems like an interesting theme of this episode is about rules and who, what are the rules to say that you should be in your fifties, sixties, seventies, to be a grandparent? Why not be a grandparent at 28 like you?

[00:12:53] Luke Bligh: Yeah, exactly. I spoke to a friend of the other podcast, I do stole Sessions, styles podcast, and he basically is the father to his little brother.

And this, this, this lads like 25, 24, maybe even, you know, younger than that. And he's raising his boy. But on social media and you know, in real life at events, when I see him, he'll always sell my son, this is my boy, this is, you know, and I dunno, the whole details. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not super close. I only really got to know him last year.

And yet that has really stuck with me that this gentleman. Is raising this little baby boy because that's his brother, but really it's his. It's his dad, really. You know, that's a father and son. And I, I love that. I'm a sucker for it. And I think this is why I love Star Wars so much is Star Wars isn't about lightsabers, it's not about war.

It's not about magical force abilities. It's about family and it's about love. Right? And even with, you know, really, really pop become a really popular show. The Mandalorian, it's about. An adopted father, isn't it? Yeah. A father who's gone. Yeah. I'm, I'm gonna look after this little green alien kid. And this, he will be my baby.

That's it. That's, that's what the story's about. Everything else is kind of like a footnote. It's a nice to haves, and even with the main Star Wars saga, it's about Luke and Anakin. It's a and layer. It's a, it's a family story. I think

[00:14:29] Alex Melia: that's probably why one of the. The, the tenets of why Star Wars has become such an institution around the world.

I mean, I can't say that I'm a massive Star Wars fan, but I did watch it as a, as a kid. But it's got those ingredients, it's got the family, it's got the relationships, it's got the friendships, the, the bonding, all of those things.

[00:14:48] Luke Bligh: Yeah, because ultimately that's what it's about. That's what it's all about.

And I think that's what good stories are about. Good stories have. Meaning depth to them. And sometimes it doesn't have to be super complicated. It doesn't have to be super dark and depressing, you know, and, and, and there's a lot of nuance. There is, there is some complexity in Star Wars, but ultimately it's uh, it's a feelgood.

Franchise, you know, return of the Jedi, 1983. Luke is looking over and he can see, you know, force Ghost dad right for the first time. And his dad's committed to like atrocious things. He, he's a villain. Darth Vader was a bad, bad guy. And yet Luke, Luke knew there was good in him. Luke knew that there was.

There was still light. You know, Luke's the only one at his funeral. He's the only one, and no one else is going. He's on his own. And yet, because Luke has that insight, he has that knowledge. He understands there're still loving him, but this guy made a lot of mistakes. And that's the redemption arc, isn't it?

I think there's always room for a redemption arc for everyone in, in every family, maybe.

[00:16:06] Alex Melia: Upon reflection, Luke's story has really brought into focus how grief can manifest in different ways in our day-to-day lives, the things we see, the things we hear and interact with can trigger all sorts of responses and memories within us. For instance, I don't know, walking past someone with a loved one's perfume or a TV program that a loved one used to watch.

It's interesting how something seemingly irrelevant or innocuous. Can activate thoughts and feelings, or sometimes even a fight or flight response. Sometimes we as men try to conceal these feelings for not wanting to seem overly attention seeking or overly emotional. Let's say for instance, you had a fight or flight response to a particular model of car as Luke did, would you have felt embarrassed in that moment as he did?

In a book that I've been reading for over 10 years, seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. Habit five is Seek First to understand and then be understood without jumping to judgment. Luke's story reminded me of this because I can imagine that a lot of people might not be able to understand his response to seeing this particular model of car and its significance to him.

I think maybe the right response for anyone who might have been accompanying Luke would've first been empathy. For instance, if I was with a mate, Who suddenly panicked because of an outside stimuli that I didn't understand. My first reaction immediately would be, oh, get over it. Or it's just a car. But realistically, I think this story serves as a reminder that we don't always know the reason why people act in a certain way.

And I think I've got better with this over the years to not quickly jump to that conclusion about someone or something, but to actually think about it first. Surely it's worthless learning as men. Why seek first to understand and then be understood is a really valuable skill to learn.