1 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:15,620 Hello, listeners. Welcome to Social Skills Coaching, where you learn to be more likable, 2 00:00:15,620 --> 00:00:23,500 more charismatic, and more productive. Today is April 10, 2024. 3 00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:29,390 Today we dive into the world of better conversations. Based on the book, Improve Your Conversations 4 00:00:29,390 --> 00:00:37,340 by Patrick King will be uncovering strategies to go beyond what's literally said and truly 5 00:00:37,340 --> 00:00:46,770 connect with others. Thanks for joining us today. 6 00:00:46,770 --> 00:00:52,940 Rule of Improv Comedy: Whatever someone is communicating, they did for a reason, so react 7 00:00:52,940 --> 00:00:56,480 to further that reason.  8 00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:02,320 One of the biggest challenges faced by neophyte conversationalists and improv players is reading 9 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:06,430 people accurately. It’s definitely a skill that requires practice.  10 00:01:06,430 --> 00:01:12,299 I distinctly remember an instance of speaking to a fellow attorney at a networking event 11 00:01:12,299 --> 00:01:17,510 years ago. I had said multiple times that I needed to find the bathroom, and that I 12 00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:23,759 needed to go soon, but he just didn’t take the hint. Every time I would say it, he would 13 00:01:23,759 --> 00:01:30,080 launch into another story about himself. I eventually realized he couldn’t read people; 14 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:36,220 it was like trying to read Chinese for him, and he was not Chinese. Finally, I interrupted 15 00:01:36,220 --> 00:01:42,780 him mid-story and waltzed away gracefully. Learn to hear between the lines 16 00:01:42,780 --> 00:01:50,480 It didn’t take a mastermind to read me in that situation, but rarely is reading people’s 17 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:57,770 emotions and state of mind so clear and obvious. Players in improv comedy have to do the impossible 18 00:01:57,770 --> 00:02:04,000 on a daily basis—ascertain what someone is trying to communicate based on very few 19 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,670 cues.  20 00:02:05,670 --> 00:02:10,580 At first, you might not catch the cues. Once you learn what they are, you’ll start to 21 00:02:10,580 --> 00:02:15,530 spot them more and more. As you get better, you’ll be able to see them coming before 22 00:02:15,530 --> 00:02:21,110 they even emerge, because there are certain patterns that always arise. That’s how it 23 00:02:21,110 --> 00:02:25,610 is with improv comedy and that’s how it is with conversation. 24 00:02:25,610 --> 00:02:31,910 For instance, an eye roll can mean many things in isolation, but when you pair an eye roll 25 00:02:31,910 --> 00:02:38,880 with bored body language and a scoff, it probably means that someone is bored with you. 26 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:43,280 Getting better at reading people is the first step to this chapter’s rule of reacting 27 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:49,380 to everything, as it allows you to know exactly what you are reacting to. You wouldn’t react 28 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:54,319 to a story about a friend’s death with laughter, so it’s important that your read and your 29 00:02:54,319 --> 00:03:02,209 response are congruent with each other. Sometimes we instinctually just know, like when we laugh 30 00:03:02,209 --> 00:03:06,659 when a friend tells a bad joke, or when someone shows you a video and you know that you’re 31 00:03:06,659 --> 00:03:09,440 supposed to laugh when they do.  32 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:15,209 How can you read people better? It starts with what they talk about, and how much they 33 00:03:15,209 --> 00:03:21,160 talk about it. In fact, for the purposes of this book, that’s the most important part. 34 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,650 Just listen to them. 35 00:03:23,650 --> 00:03:27,909 Sounds easy, but many people mess this part up because they’re simply not paying attention 36 00:03:27,909 --> 00:03:33,590 to the information right in front of them (kind of like that attorney I mentioned). 37 00:03:33,590 --> 00:03:37,880 Once you understand that conversation is actually about so much more than the words coming out 38 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:42,520 of people’s mouths, you start to notice all the things you never paid attention to 39 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,200 before. 40 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:50,140 People drop hints in conversation all the time. There’s a reason they bring up what 41 00:03:50,140 --> 00:03:54,709 they bring up, and a meaning behind what they seem to want to dwell on.  42 00:03:54,709 --> 00:04:00,750 It’s a useful thought to keep in the back of your mind: why did they do such-and-such? 43 00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:07,150 Why did they say this and not that? What is the point of this story they’re telling? 44 00:04:07,150 --> 00:04:12,989 There’s a reason people speak in deeper, specific detail about some things, and will 45 00:04:12,989 --> 00:04:18,579 continually steer the conversation back even after they go on a tangent. The subject is 46 00:04:18,579 --> 00:04:22,240 important to them and they want to share it with you.  47 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:27,380 For example, if someone keeps talking about their dog, or seems to mention their pet in 48 00:04:27,380 --> 00:04:33,160 an offhand manner multiple times, this is a breadcrumb for you to follow, Inspector 49 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:39,389 Holmes. Rarely will people say, “I want to talk about my dog, listen to me now,” 50 00:04:39,389 --> 00:04:44,009 as opposed to shoehorning it semi-organically into an existing conversation.  51 00:04:44,009 --> 00:04:49,949 You’re looking for these breadcrumbs that others want you to pick up on so they can 52 00:04:49,949 --> 00:04:53,600 talk about what they want. 53 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:58,990 Let me backtrack and reiterate. People will literally tell you what they’re interested 54 00:04:58,990 --> 00:05:04,310 in by what they talk about. They’ll either bring it up spontaneously and on their own, 55 00:05:04,310 --> 00:05:10,199 or speak about a subject with a measure of excitement and joy. Those are your indicators 56 00:05:10,199 --> 00:05:15,630 for how to read people, but they require you to really pay attention to the other person 57 00:05:15,630 --> 00:05:21,880 and above all else, stop speaking so you can hear them.  58 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:26,220 If your conversation partner doesn’t have energy or excitement about a topic, or they 59 00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:31,340 appear to switch topics spontaneously, then it’s clear that they aren’t interested 60 00:05:31,340 --> 00:05:37,241 in it. People won’t outright say that they want to talk about certain topics, so it’s 61 00:05:37,241 --> 00:05:40,100 up to you to pick up on their hints and react accordingly.  62 00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:46,680 Of course, there is also the non-verbal portion of reading people. For the purposes of this 63 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:53,569 book, we’ll keep it simple. You have to know only one thing: the baseline of body 64 00:05:53,569 --> 00:05:58,860 language of the other person. In other words, what are someone’s facial expressions and 65 00:05:58,860 --> 00:06:03,440 body language when they feel normal and aren’t expressing a strong emotion? 66 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:09,009 For example, some people might naturally be bubbly and speak with their hands, and others 67 00:06:09,009 --> 00:06:14,889 might be as still as a wooden doll even when they’re ecstatic. This baseline can let 68 00:06:14,889 --> 00:06:19,600 you know when someone deviates from it, and then you can interpret their body language 69 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:25,130 accordingly. If the aforementioned person who is incredibly still even when happy shows 70 00:06:25,130 --> 00:06:32,050 a hint of motion and emotion, you can safely assume that they are overjoyed, or upset, 71 00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:33,360 by something. 72 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:39,300 Again, these are the breadcrumbs that people want you to find, and this is especially true 73 00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:46,139 the better people get with conversation. Conversation at the highest levels becomes all shades of 74 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:52,690 gray and subtlety because both parties pick up on the signals being exchanged. Much of 75 00:06:52,690 --> 00:06:58,229 what it is said during an exchange of witty banter is subtext and between the lines, so 76 00:06:58,229 --> 00:07:01,970 to speak, because both parties operate on multiple levels. 77 00:07:01,970 --> 00:07:05,690 Here are some common breadcrumbs: 78 00:07:05,690 --> 00:07:11,490 The excitement, or lack thereof, in someone’s voice when you bring up a topic.  79 00:07:11,490 --> 00:07:16,849 If someone keeps trying to bring up a topic, this means they want to talk about it. 80 00:07:16,849 --> 00:07:20,770 If someone keeps looking away, this means that they are bored. 81 00:07:20,770 --> 00:07:25,470 If someone’s feet are pointed away from you, this means they want to stop talking 82 00:07:25,470 --> 00:07:27,460 to you. 83 00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:32,110 If you interrupted someone right as they were about to speak, ask them about it after you 84 00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:36,310 finish speaking to see what direction they were interested in going. 85 00:07:36,310 --> 00:07:37,310 See if you can tell if their smiles and laughs are fake or real, depending on how big they 86 00:07:37,310 --> 00:07:38,310 are and how quickly they fade or stop. 87 00:07:38,310 --> 00:07:41,400 If someone ignores what you say and goes back to what they were talking about before you 88 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:46,639 spoke, they feel strongly about their point and want to expand on it. 89 00:07:46,639 --> 00:07:52,030 If someone leans their head on their hand, this means they might be bored with the current 90 00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:54,669 flow of the conversation. 91 00:07:54,669 --> 00:07:59,889 Look for how strongly someone nods in agreement with you, and on the flip side, how little 92 00:07:59,889 --> 00:08:08,129 excitement or emotion there is in their reaction. Listen for emotion 93 00:08:08,129 --> 00:08:13,690 The final aspect of getting better at instantly reading people is to think in terms of emotions. 94 00:08:13,690 --> 00:08:19,420 Whatever someone says or demonstrates to you through their body, they are doing it to create 95 00:08:19,420 --> 00:08:24,800 an emotional response. People talk to each other for a reason—they want to make some 96 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:30,569 kind of impact on the world, or influence your opinion somehow, or simply get you to 97 00:08:30,569 --> 00:08:32,519 like them. 98 00:08:32,519 --> 00:08:37,289 A story about their dog feeding a kitten? They want a happy smile. 99 00:08:37,289 --> 00:08:42,419 A story about being cut off in traffic? They want shared agony. 100 00:08:42,419 --> 00:08:46,810 A statement about their foot being run over by a bike? They want a laugh. 101 00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:51,850 These are all emotions that people want to evoke in you, so give it to them! That’s 102 00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:57,089 the final aspect in a nutshell: proactively think about the underlying emotion people 103 00:08:57,089 --> 00:09:02,430 want to evoke in you, and then give it to them. It sounds like it would be incredibly 104 00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:07,120 difficult to do in the spur of the moment, but it’s easier than you think since there 105 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:11,810 are only so many emotions that others might want back from you. 106 00:09:11,810 --> 00:09:18,110 Joy. Anger. Humor. Annoyance. Amazement. Curiosity. 107 00:09:18,110 --> 00:09:22,510 If you think about most of what people have told you in the past week, and what you have 108 00:09:22,510 --> 00:09:28,370 told others, that short list covers almost all the bases for the emotional responses 109 00:09:28,370 --> 00:09:33,600 that were sought. They encompass the bulk of the reasons that we share stories about 110 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:41,050 our lives. It’s a simple switch in perspective, but look beyond the story to see the reason 111 00:09:41,050 --> 00:09:43,380 for the story. 112 00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:48,520 A story about their dog feeding a kitten—what is the reason that someone is telling you 113 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:56,339 about this? Is it so you can feel annoyance? Amazement? Joy? It’s probably a combination 114 00:09:56,339 --> 00:10:01,420 of humor and joy. Show them that you understand and give them the reaction they expected.  115 00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:08,440 In fact, exaggerate your reactions. Not by too much, just enough so that the emotion 116 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:14,170 you’re feeling is unmistakable. Just like that, you’ve communicated with someone, 117 00:10:14,170 --> 00:10:20,390 and made a connection. You’ve made someone feel heard. That special something that makes 118 00:10:20,390 --> 00:10:24,890 good conversations feel so satisfying? This is what it’s made of. 119 00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:31,210 There is a thin line between being emotionally touched by somebody's shared information, 120 00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:36,980 and mocking that person by caricaturing their emotions. If you go overboard, you may seem 121 00:10:36,980 --> 00:10:42,760 like you're mocking and patronizing your conversation partner. They will feel judged and insulted.  122 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:49,160 Instead, jump on board with them and their emotion. If they come to you with a story 123 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:54,380 about how they were slighted, first show the appropriate matching emotion in a way that 124 00:10:54,380 --> 00:11:01,511 will make them feel acknowledged and validated. That’s what matters first in reacting. What 125 00:11:01,511 --> 00:11:07,630 you do next can be any mixture of asking questions or validating their experience more thoroughly, 126 00:11:07,630 --> 00:11:12,490 but the initial reaction makes the biggest impact. 127 00:11:12,490 --> 00:11:17,089 People have different levels of emotional intensity, and the middle of the bell curve 128 00:11:17,089 --> 00:11:22,630 as far as emotional expression is concerned can be quite wide. This simply means that 129 00:11:22,630 --> 00:11:29,470 people perceive and experience emotions differently, so what you think is an indulgent and overboard 130 00:11:29,470 --> 00:11:35,971 reaction may not register at all for someone else. This is the case for most people. They 131 00:11:35,971 --> 00:11:42,200 think they are conveying a message, but in reality have only managed a frown or smile. 132 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:48,240 It therefore pays to be slightly dramatic and overboard with your emotional reaction, 133 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:53,769 just to ensure that you aren’t being too subtle for your own good. Some of us have 134 00:11:53,769 --> 00:11:59,730 poker faces far more than we realize, so exaggeration is sometimes necessary to get our message 135 00:11:59,730 --> 00:12:05,079 across. Plus, a big reaction makes people feel good, as if they have bestowed us with 136 00:12:05,079 --> 00:12:10,399 valuable information.   Be generous with your attention 137 00:12:10,399 --> 00:12:13,830 A conversation is a two-way street. 138 00:12:13,830 --> 00:12:18,460 You can't just say what you want, wait while the other person is talking, and then say 139 00:12:18,460 --> 00:12:24,070 what you want again as if they merely interrupted you. It's not just a simple matter of waiting 140 00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:27,230 for your turn to speak.  141 00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:31,910 Conversation is about mutual sharing that leads to mutual listening and learning, otherwise 142 00:12:31,910 --> 00:12:38,459 it’s just two monologues being directed toward each other. Hopefully, if you can acknowledge 143 00:12:38,459 --> 00:12:43,410 the importance of what the other person is saying when speaking back to them, then they 144 00:12:43,410 --> 00:12:51,100 will do the same to you because they’ll feel heard, validated, respected, and important.  145 00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:56,420 This is going to feel unnatural and uncomfortable for some, but if you want your conversations 146 00:12:56,420 --> 00:13:03,001 to go deeper and last longer, you need to play this game. Reactions aren’t natural 147 00:13:03,001 --> 00:13:08,490 to all of us, and we may not even care about most of the things that people say. However, 148 00:13:08,490 --> 00:13:13,290 the goal is to improve our conversations, and you can’t improve if you don’t investigate 149 00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:17,850 new things that are outside of your comfort zone.  150 00:13:17,850 --> 00:13:25,399 One final thing: React to everything. This includes stories, gestures, the person looking 151 00:13:25,399 --> 00:13:30,579 at their phone, taking their jacket off, stretching their arms, questions about the same topic, 152 00:13:30,579 --> 00:13:36,050 a puzzled facial expression, tilting their head, an eye roll, an uncomfortable smile, 153 00:13:36,050 --> 00:13:37,870 and so on. 154 00:13:37,870 --> 00:13:44,139 There may not be a flashing emotion to demonstrate, but they still did these things for a reason, 155 00:13:44,139 --> 00:13:48,790 and if you react to everything, you will show yourself to be one hundred percent present 156 00:13:48,790 --> 00:13:54,100 with the other person. You’re paying attention. You’re listening. The conversation matters 157 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:55,170 to you. 158 00:13:55,170 --> 00:13:59,180 Here’s a good exercise to practice your reactions: 159 00:13:59,180 --> 00:14:04,060 Pretend that you are mute while watching a television show, and react non-verbally to 160 00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:10,339 express the emotions that you interpret from the characters. Exaggerate these non-verbal 161 00:14:10,339 --> 00:14:16,639 reactions. Be sure to pause occasionally. You may be surprised at how easy this is to do—once 162 00:14:16,639 --> 00:14:22,190 you forget about the verbal communication for a second. We’re all born to feel and 163 00:14:22,190 --> 00:14:27,649 express emotion, but ego can sometimes get in the way. 164 00:14:27,649 --> 00:14:34,079 Rely on facial expressions, body language, gestures, and eye contact. Make sure that 165 00:14:34,079 --> 00:14:40,230 your true message is getting across. This is practice for you to respond to others, 166 00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:45,791 and see what the range of reactions can be to demonstrate that you’ve heard them. You 167 00:14:45,791 --> 00:14:50,019 may also discover that you have to exaggerate your reactions a bit to be understood, and 168 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:56,690 that something that seemed so obvious to you actually was not. 169 00:14:56,690 --> 00:14:57,690 Takeaways 170 00:14:57,690 --> 00:15:04,180 • People generally talk about things for a specific reason. If you can hear between 171 00:15:04,180 --> 00:15:09,810 the lines and find out what that reason is, you can have deeper conversations with others 172 00:15:09,810 --> 00:15:15,351 that are enjoyable for both of you. • Doing this isn’t especially hard; all 173 00:15:15,351 --> 00:15:20,740 you need to do is pay attention to what is being said. People organically bring up topics 174 00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:26,290 they are interested in, and their body language will very obviously indicate excitement or 175 00:15:26,290 --> 00:15:31,649 happiness while talking about that subject. With practice, you’ll be able to spot these 176 00:15:31,649 --> 00:15:38,959 telltale signs better and use them to have more fun and engaging conversations. 177 00:15:38,959 --> 00:15:44,660 • When someone is telling you something, try to determine what emotion is being conveyed. 178 00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:49,160 People are generally looking for some specific emotional reaction from you when they say 179 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:56,730 something. It could be anger, a smile, amazement, curiosity, or something else. If you can figure 180 00:15:56,730 --> 00:16:01,720 out what emotion they’re trying to convey and what they’re expecting in return, you’ll 181 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:06,199 make the other person feel understood and appreciated. 182 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:10,970 Remember that conversations aren’t all about you. It’s an activity that involves mutual 183 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:16,540 sharing and listening. Reacting to the other person’s emotions appropriately shows that 184 00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:21,100 you’re paying attention and actually care about what they’re saying. This is why you 185 00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:27,230 should react to everything. don’t ignore or let comments or nonverbal gestures just 186 00:16:27,230 --> 00:16:42,240 pass with no response. All right, listeners, that's all we have for 187 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,190 today on the art of conversation based on 188 00:16:45,190 --> 00:16:51,949 insights from Improve Your Conversations by Patrick King. Remember, strong communication 189 00:16:51,949 --> 00:16:59,000 skills are the foundation of all successful relationships. By truly listening and responding 190 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:04,169 to what people are saying, both verbally and nonverbally, you can have more meaningful 191 00:17:04,169 --> 00:17:05,339 interactions 192 00:17:05,339 --> 00:17:10,880 and build stronger connections. If you want to dive deeper into this topic, check out 193 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:11,880 the book by 194 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:18,740 Patrick King, Improve Your Conversations. And for more tips on social skills and building 195 00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:19,740 charisma, 196 00:17:19,740 --> 00:17:27,569 head over to our author's website at bit.ly-pk-consulting. Thanks for joining us today. See you next 197 00:17:27,569 --> 00:17:27,639 week.