1
00:00:50,910 --> 00:00:53,170
Craig is someone who has really turned his
life around.

2
00:00:53,170 --> 00:01:00,500
In his early twenties, he suffered terribly
from depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

3
00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:06,040
But that was before he joined a community
yoga class and felt so much better that very

4
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,620
same day.

5
00:01:07,620 --> 00:01:12,750
Within a few years, he was reading countless
fascinating New Age self-help books, taking

6
00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:18,290
classes on the law of attraction manifestation,
and had become a vegetarian.

7
00:01:18,290 --> 00:01:25,920
He grasped what he felt was an unavoidable
truth: As you think, so shall you become.

8
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:32,170
To Craig, the universe was pure consciousness
and love—if you could match that frequency

9
00:01:32,170 --> 00:01:38,010
of trusting and generative positivity, then
you would always align with the good that

10
00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:40,810
was flowing all around you at all times.

11
00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:44,710
If you’re negative, though, the universe
will mirror that negativity straight back

12
00:01:44,710 --> 00:01:45,920
at you.

13
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:51,660
In time, Craig starts to understand all the
adversity that he’d experienced as a manifestation

14
00:01:51,660 --> 00:01:56,659
of his own lack of self-love and his own doubt
in universal abundance.

15
00:01:56,659 --> 00:02:00,280
And thinking this way worked for him.

16
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:02,210
Until it didn’t.

17
00:02:02,210 --> 00:02:08,770
When his sister died, Craig was completely
bowled over by an unmanageable mass of negative

18
00:02:08,770 --> 00:02:10,950
feelings that caught him off guard.

19
00:02:10,950 --> 00:02:16,430
He told himself that there are no mistakes
in life, that she was somewhere better, that

20
00:02:16,430 --> 00:02:21,470
it was all okay, and that there was no need
to mourn since energy never disappears—it

21
00:02:21,470 --> 00:02:26,810
only changes form ... And yet, he still felt
devastated.

22
00:02:26,810 --> 00:02:30,410
He hid these feelings of devastation, even
from himself.

23
00:02:30,410 --> 00:02:36,980
He couldn’t admit that part of his new conversion
to the light meant obsessively guarding against

24
00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:39,319
any experience of the dark.

25
00:02:39,319 --> 00:02:45,099
He put on a brave face, and when people asked
how he was doing, he responded with speeches

26
00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:50,739
about the transcendental nature of mortality
and the Tibetan Book of the Dead and how he

27
00:02:50,739 --> 00:02:56,220
was ecstatic to receive this lesson in non-attachment.

28
00:02:56,220 --> 00:03:01,830
In response to the mourning of his other family
members, he remained aloof and occasionally

29
00:03:01,830 --> 00:03:06,569
sent them “inspiring” quotes that actually
upset them.

30
00:03:06,569 --> 00:03:15,130
One day, he makes his mother cry when he not-so-subtly
suggests that her continued upset is evidence

31
00:03:15,130 --> 00:03:20,819
of her poor spiritual development, and that
she should meditate more instead of moping

32
00:03:20,819 --> 00:03:22,569
around.

33
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:26,680
It sounds cruel, but it’s only a natural
conclusion of the very same philosophy that

34
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,209
had helped Craig up till that point.

35
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:34,660
Craig’s only crime was that he sincerely
wanted to be good.

36
00:03:34,660 --> 00:03:36,349
Only good.

37
00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:39,410
He saw himself as strong and wise and happy.

38
00:03:39,410 --> 00:03:41,860
Who wouldn’t want the same?

39
00:03:41,860 --> 00:03:47,239
And when he instead felt weak and foolish
and desperately sad, he didn’t know what

40
00:03:47,239 --> 00:03:49,830
to do with those feelings.

41
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:55,150
When he spoke to his fellow New Age friends,
and even when he consulted a local counselor,

42
00:03:55,150 --> 00:04:01,360
they only gave him pithy Zen koans or said,
“Everything happens for a reason,” or,

43
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:08,739
“Try to remember the good times,” unconsciously
affirming this fear that negativity was unacceptable,

44
00:04:08,739 --> 00:04:14,220
and to indulge it to any degree meant that
you were a bad person.

45
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:21,440
For Craig, “bad” meant unenlightened,
unevolved, and unintelligent.

46
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,979
Things he really didn’t want to be.

47
00:04:24,979 --> 00:04:31,680
One day, a few months after the death of his
sister, Craig is at rock bottom again.

48
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:33,880
How did this happen?

49
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,220
What about all that positive personal growth
and development?

50
00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:42,370
What about all that positivity and enthusiasm—where
did it go?

51
00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:48,250
He goes online to all the social media accounts
that once gave him so much motivation and

52
00:04:48,250 --> 00:04:54,270
inspiration (did you know that Instagram has
over fourteen million posts with the hashtag

53
00:04:54,270 --> 00:04:59,060
goodvibesonly?), and he only feels worse.

54
00:04:59,060 --> 00:05:04,139
He again falls into a depression, not because
he is mourning his sister’s death, but because

55
00:05:04,139 --> 00:05:09,040
he sees his own mourning as something to be
ashamed of.

56
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:14,440
Everything feels worthless, imperfect, wretched.

57
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:19,540
Craig looks at himself with hatred and thinks
that he would be able to pull himself out

58
00:05:19,540 --> 00:05:25,759
of this misery if only he were more enlightened,
more aware, more spiritually wise.

59
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:30,240
But the truth is, Craig is in this mess because
he sought out all these things in the first

60
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:37,630
place—at the expense of acknowledging his
authentic experience.

61
00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:42,930
The Positive IS Powerful, But ...

62
00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:47,930
Toxic positivity is an overgeneralization
of a positive and optimistic attitude.

63
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:53,729
In a way, it’s a cognitive bias because
it refuses to acknowledge states of mind,

64
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:59,010
events, thoughts, or feelings that are deemed
“negative."

65
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:00,570
Positivity is a wonderful thing.

66
00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:06,130
This book would not exist unless there was
some belief in positivity’s power.

67
00:06:06,130 --> 00:06:11,940
Some would say that the most successful among
us are not the pessimists or the realists,

68
00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:16,889
but those who encounter life with a slight
glass-half-full approach.

69
00:06:16,889 --> 00:06:23,430
However, if you’ve encountered the “positive
vibes only” brand of positivity in the self-help

70
00:06:23,430 --> 00:06:29,610
world, you’ve probably wondered whether
this overly rosy view of the world is really

71
00:06:29,610 --> 00:06:32,639
the best approach to take.

72
00:06:32,639 --> 00:06:37,580
Toxic positivity is actually pretty negative
if you peek under the hood—it’s about

73
00:06:37,580 --> 00:06:42,440
denial, minimization, and invalidation ... of
your own experience.

74
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:48,819
So, it’s not positivity itself that is toxic,
but our insisting that our genuine and real

75
00:06:48,819 --> 00:06:52,710
experience be something else.

76
00:06:52,710 --> 00:06:59,720
Toxic positivity has us wearing masks, silencing
our real feelings, and extending this invalidating

77
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,320
attitude to others, too.

78
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:07,849
As we see in Craig’s case, the results are
often the exact opposite of what we want.

79
00:07:07,849 --> 00:07:12,849
The truth is, human beings are complex wholes.

80
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,690
They contain both good and bad.

81
00:07:15,690 --> 00:07:21,169
Carl Jung once said, “I’d rather be whole
than good."

82
00:07:21,169 --> 00:07:26,199
As the originator of the idea of the human
shadow, Jung was fascinated by the psychic

83
00:07:26,199 --> 00:07:33,660
material we ignored, repressed, and disowned—where
did it go?

84
00:07:33,660 --> 00:07:40,949
In Carl’s case, the disidentified emotions
just went underground until all that depression

85
00:07:40,949 --> 00:07:45,320
burst out and caused him to fall into a deep
sadness.

86
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:50,690
•There are lots of reasons we deny the “negative”
parts of ourselves:

87
00:07:50,690 --> 00:07:55,030
•We don’t want others to think we’re
boring or unpleasant downers

88
00:07:55,030 --> 00:07:57,310
•We don’t want to cause others pain

89
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:04,670
•We don’t want to admit that we are confused,
mistaken, or flawed—i.e., our egos!

90
00:08:04,670 --> 00:08:09,530
•We don’t want to admit that we are frightened,
weak, or vulnerable in any way

91
00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:15,889
•We are worried that once we acknowledge
negativity, it will flood us and we’ll lose

92
00:08:15,889 --> 00:08:16,889
control

93
00:08:16,889 --> 00:08:24,720
According to renowned shame author Brene Brown,
these negative feelings are cultivated in

94
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,460
silence, secrecy, and judgment.

95
00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:32,070
In Craig’s case, his “positive thinking”
came with a set of unspoken rules:

96
00:08:32,070 --> 00:08:38,550
Silence: Don’t admit that you are feeling
distraught, even to yourself, and don’t

97
00:08:38,550 --> 00:08:40,409
talk about it.

98
00:08:40,409 --> 00:08:47,070
Secrecy: Hide the facts of this experience
from everyone so it becomes your private torment

99
00:08:47,070 --> 00:08:56,290
Judgment: Criticize yourself harshly for feeling
this way

100
00:08:56,290 --> 00:09:00,269
Craig cultivated a particular image of himself
that he takes pride in.

101
00:09:00,269 --> 00:09:05,950
But secretly, he tells himself, “If they
only knew what a total toxic and negative

102
00:09:05,950 --> 00:09:12,399
mess I really am, and if they really knew
what a phony fake I am, they’d reject me

103
00:09:12,399 --> 00:09:14,600
for sure."

104
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,400
Have you told yourself something similar?

105
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:23,810
That you couldn’t ever really reveal your
true feelings to others for fear of the repercussions?

106
00:09:23,810 --> 00:09:27,480
Understand that this is a judgment you have
already made of yourself.

107
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:36,130
The costs of denying our full experience (both
positive and negative) are high.

108
00:09:36,130 --> 00:09:42,880
We live inauthentically and lose touch with
what we really want, think, and feel—i.e.,

109
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,950
with who we really are!

110
00:09:45,950 --> 00:09:48,850
We feel isolated from others.

111
00:09:48,850 --> 00:09:54,800
Because we cannot open up in genuine vulnerability
and truth with them, we never really connect,

112
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,769
and so we feel even more alone in our shame.

113
00:09:57,769 --> 00:10:02,180
What’s more, we carry that attitude to others.

114
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:04,810
We tell others to, “Think happy thoughts!”

115
00:10:04,810 --> 00:10:09,709
and what they actually hear is, “You can
only be around me if you are also pretending

116
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:13,810
to be this fake, eternally happy person."

117
00:10:13,810 --> 00:10:19,210
After all, if you can’t bear your own negative
feelings, how could anyone trust you to handle

118
00:10:19,210 --> 00:10:22,880
theirs with any care and tact?

119
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:26,390
We end up attracting more inauthenticity.

120
00:10:26,390 --> 00:10:33,450
Our world gets increasingly more curated and
controlled and looks happy, but feels emptier

121
00:10:33,450 --> 00:10:36,080
and emptier.

122
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:41,610
In the preceding chapters, we’ve worked
hard to identify and root out distorted, unhealthy,

123
00:10:41,610 --> 00:10:43,700
and self-defeating thoughts and beliefs.

124
00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:47,360
But that doesn’t mean you should replace
all these with their polar opposites, glibly

125
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:52,240
believing instead that everything is awesome,
you can do absolutely anything you put your

126
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:57,670
mind to, and that a fully actualized person
is just brimming with joy and enthusiasm twenty-four-seven.

127
00:10:57,670 --> 00:11:06,290
Let’s not allow the pendulum to swing too
far in the other direction!

128
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:09,870
Good Versus Whole

129
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:15,680
Make your goal to be a person who accepts
their complete, full selves, both dark and

130
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,000
light.

131
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:23,389
It takes maturity to embrace what is, even
though that may be imperfect, flawed, uncomfortable,

132
00:11:23,389 --> 00:11:25,240
or confusing.

133
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:29,380
No human being is one hundred percent invulnerable.

134
00:11:29,380 --> 00:11:34,890
“Negativity” is built into the fabric
of life itself—without it, we would never

135
00:11:34,890 --> 00:11:39,860
understand gratitude, we would never learn
what we valued, we would never be challenged

136
00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:45,690
to improve, and we would never face the natural
consequences of our behavior and the fact

137
00:11:45,690 --> 00:11:49,579
that not all choices are good for us.

138
00:11:49,579 --> 00:11:51,040
We are mortal.

139
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:58,589
We can be hurt, we can make mistakes, and
we can even be the “bad guys” sometimes.

140
00:11:58,589 --> 00:12:03,940
To acknowledge all this is NOT to be negative
any more than to deny it means we are positive.

141
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:09,190
The following sentiments are common whenever
toxic positivity is in full swing.

142
00:12:09,190 --> 00:12:13,459
Notice if you use these phrases on yourself
or with others, and gently challenge yourself

143
00:12:13,459 --> 00:12:18,550
to find room in there for your real, full
experience instead:

144
00:12:18,550 --> 00:12:25,230
“Stay positive!”—“How are you feeling,
exactly?

145
00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:27,480
What is your experience like right now?

146
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,140
I’m listening without judgment.”

147
00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:35,260
“Failure is not an option.”—“Failure
is learning.

148
00:12:35,260 --> 00:12:37,300
It’s a part of life.”

149
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:43,330
“It’ll all be okay.”—“What is happening
for you right now?”

150
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:50,480
“Every cloud has a silver lining/Everything
happens for a reason.”—“Sometimes, bad

151
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,329
things happen.

152
00:12:52,329 --> 00:12:54,880
What do you need to feel supported?”

153
00:12:54,880 --> 00:13:00,210
“You got this!”—“I’m here for you
no matter what.

154
00:13:00,210 --> 00:13:04,500
You deserve kindness and support even if you’re
having difficulty.”

155
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:12,480
“Good vibes only.”—“Ancient Roman
Playwright Terence puts it best: ‘Homo sum,

156
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:16,519
humani nihil a me alienum put,’ which means:
‘I am human, and I think nothing human is

157
00:13:16,519 --> 00:13:18,459
alien to me.’

158
00:13:18,459 --> 00:13:23,329
In other words, all vibes are allowed because
they are part of the rich, three-dimensional

159
00:13:23,329 --> 00:13:27,079
fabric of human experience."

160
00:13:27,079 --> 00:13:32,010
Keep reminding yourself that toxic positivity
does not have any benefits.

161
00:13:32,010 --> 00:13:38,079
It does not make life easier to bear, it does
not guarantee more favorable outcomes, and

162
00:13:38,079 --> 00:13:42,860
it does not give you a kind of cheat code
that allows you to bypass all the messy and

163
00:13:42,860 --> 00:13:44,320
uncomfortable parts of life.

164
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:50,800
In fact, if anything, it makes the hard parts
of life more difficult to bear.

165
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:55,310
What we shove out of conscious awareness doesn’t
disappear.

166
00:13:55,310 --> 00:14:00,730
It only festers somewhere else, where it doesn’t
get the benefit of our compassionate awareness

167
00:14:00,730 --> 00:14:02,459
to help process it.

168
00:14:02,459 --> 00:14:08,860
Thus, the negativity that we don’t acknowledge
never has the chance to teach us or enrich

169
00:14:08,860 --> 00:14:17,570
our lives in any way—what is “positive”
about that?

170
00:14:17,570 --> 00:14:20,070
Letting Go of Toxic Positivity

171
00:14:20,070 --> 00:14:24,760
Step 1: Make friends with discomfort

172
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:29,100
Toxic positivity is, at least at first, the
easy way out.

173
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:33,290
Facing your discomfort head on takes courage
and honesty.

174
00:14:33,290 --> 00:14:40,199
If you notice yourself leaping in to reassure,
dismiss, invalidate, or soothe a negative

175
00:14:40,199 --> 00:14:43,570
feeling, stop and notice what you’re doing.

176
00:14:43,570 --> 00:14:47,310
Try to instead “sit with” your unpleasant
emotion.

177
00:14:47,310 --> 00:14:54,269
Don’t try to destroy, fix, dissolve, or
triumph over it ... but don’t succumb to

178
00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:55,269
it, either.

179
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,750
Just sit alongside it.

180
00:14:56,750 --> 00:15:01,139
Put a name to your feeling and leave it at
that.

181
00:15:01,139 --> 00:15:07,050
Watch your mind try to run around everywhere
to escape it, and bring it back to the present

182
00:15:07,050 --> 00:15:09,209
and to the truth of reality.

183
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,449
“I’m sad.

184
00:15:11,449 --> 00:15:16,230
I feel a deep, deep sadness about my sister
passing away.

185
00:15:16,230 --> 00:15:18,800
I’m so confused and hurt."

186
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:26,320
Then don’t judge, interpret, or rush to
fix what comes up.

187
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:31,600
Just let that emotion be what it is.

188
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:35,410
Step 2: Be patient

189
00:15:35,410 --> 00:15:40,010
Toxic positivity can feel like a quick fix
and an instant relief.

190
00:15:40,010 --> 00:15:42,490
But working through your emotions takes time.

191
00:15:42,490 --> 00:15:48,699
Don’t rush and be overly keen for a happy
resolution, or barge ahead wanting to skip

192
00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:52,829
over the difficult bits so you can get to
the happy ending where you’ve learned your

193
00:15:52,829 --> 00:15:55,459
lesson and can move on.

194
00:15:55,459 --> 00:16:01,350
Seeds sprout when they’re ready, wounds
heal as best as they can, and emotions come

195
00:16:01,350 --> 00:16:03,940
and go, but on their own schedule.

196
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:11,180
Take it as your duty to give them comfortable
passage—don’t hold on to them but don’t

197
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:15,140
be too eager to rush them on, either.

198
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,930
“I’m sad right now.

199
00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:18,920
I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow.

200
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:24,360
I know this won’t last forever, but I’m
willing to let it last as long as it needs

201
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,670
to.”

202
00:16:27,670 --> 00:16:35,019
Step 3: Distinguish between productive and
unproductive negativity

203
00:16:35,019 --> 00:16:38,899
Finding a balance between positive and negative
is not complicated.

204
00:16:38,899 --> 00:16:45,339
If there is a negative side to positivity,
then there is a positive side to negativity.

205
00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:51,089
You can navigate your way through them both
by framing it all in terms of productivity

206
00:16:51,089 --> 00:16:54,600
or usefulness:

207
00:16:54,600 --> 00:17:00,639
Productive negativity – pure, authentic
emotion that does not contain judgment, shame,

208
00:17:00,639 --> 00:17:03,310
or resistance to that emotion.

209
00:17:03,310 --> 00:17:10,179
Negativity that promotes insight, learning,
resilience, or inspired action.

210
00:17:10,179 --> 00:17:15,010
Unproductive negativity – the secondary
negativity that emerges around an authentic

211
00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:21,419
emotion and serves to prolong and exacerbate
it without any benefit.

212
00:17:21,419 --> 00:17:27,810
Negativity that limits options, inhibits action,
and leads to passivity, despair, and loss

213
00:17:27,810 --> 00:17:29,180
of agency.

214
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:32,490
Let’s go back to Craig and his example.

215
00:17:32,490 --> 00:17:38,480
When he looks at his second big bout of “depression,”
he can ask whether it’s unproductive or

216
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:39,480
productive.

217
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:47,059
He may see that there are actually two emotions—one
is sadness, and the other is a mix of shame,

218
00:17:47,059 --> 00:17:51,640
anger, and irritation about that sadness.

219
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:56,190
The secondary emotions don’t seem to go
anywhere—in fact, they only seem to make

220
00:17:56,190 --> 00:17:57,260
him feel worse.

221
00:17:57,260 --> 00:18:04,210
But he also notices that when he focuses on
the primary emotion—the initial sadness—it

222
00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:10,090
hurts, but if he doesn’t heap judgment and
shame onto it, it doesn’t feel as bad as

223
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,180
he thought it would.

224
00:18:11,180 --> 00:18:17,370
In fact, once he fully acknowledges how he
actually feels, he notices with surprise that

225
00:18:17,370 --> 00:18:20,150
he doesn’t feel that way for long.

226
00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:28,360
His sadness, once acknowledged, actually spurs
him on to feel new, different things.

227
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:33,950
After a few weeks of “sitting with” how
he genuinely feels, something else stirs in

228
00:18:33,950 --> 00:18:36,620
him: He wants to act.

229
00:18:36,620 --> 00:18:40,990
He feels compelled to do something meaningful
in his sister’s memory—something he wouldn’t

230
00:18:40,990 --> 00:18:44,960
have dreamed of if he was still pretending
that everything was okay!

231
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:50,990
Like so many people who learn to let go of
toxic positivity, Craig understands that the

232
00:18:50,990 --> 00:18:57,140
remedy for depression is not happiness, but
authentic sadness.

233
00:18:57,140 --> 00:19:02,010
Toxic positivity doesn’t help, but neither
does stagnant depression and despair.

234
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:08,581
Instead, Craig finds a way out through the
middle: by accepting what is so that it can

235
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:12,480
be processed and released.

236
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:20,919
Step 4: Reconnect to your values and shift
to problem-solving

237
00:19:20,919 --> 00:19:22,809
Emotions exist for our benefit.

238
00:19:22,809 --> 00:19:29,530
They are there for a reason and have evolved
to keep us safe, help us to connect, and allow

239
00:19:29,530 --> 00:19:32,340
us to live a life of meaning.

240
00:19:32,340 --> 00:19:40,710
Emotions—all emotions, even the awful, inconvenient,
or embarrassing ones—can teach us something

241
00:19:40,710 --> 00:19:42,100
if we are willing to listen.

242
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:46,970
It is not necessary in life to suffer needlessly
just for the sake of it.

243
00:19:46,970 --> 00:19:53,650
Rather, you are a human being who is tasked
with finding meaning and purpose in your experiences.

244
00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:59,730
If you can invoke your values and principles,
you can imbue your suffering with meaning—and

245
00:19:59,730 --> 00:20:02,800
transform it into something beautiful.

246
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:09,330
As you accept and sit with uncomfortable emotions,
try to look for the hidden blessing.

247
00:20:09,330 --> 00:20:12,110
Not in a “everything happens for a reason!”

248
00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:17,960
way, but in a way where you graciously make
the best of everything that comes your way.

249
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,270
Compare experiences against your values.

250
00:20:20,270 --> 00:20:27,299
For example, if you value independence and
autonomy, allow a frightening cancer scare

251
00:20:27,299 --> 00:20:31,880
to teach you the value of interdependence
and the power of asking for help.

252
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:37,630
On the other hand, you might find that negative
experiences with someone who keeps violating

253
00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:43,179
your boundaries confirm for you values that
you never knew you had before—the principles

254
00:20:43,179 --> 00:20:44,690
of dignity and self-worth.

255
00:20:44,690 --> 00:20:52,890
The trick is that you cannot be inspired and
taught by negative emotions until you feel

256
00:20:52,890 --> 00:20:54,120
them fully.

257
00:20:54,120 --> 00:21:00,260
You cannot skip over the painful part and
rush to the blessing in disguise part—the

258
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:05,990
blessing is only revealed by enduring the
negative emotion in the first place.

259
00:21:05,990 --> 00:21:12,380
Craig, for example, values intellectual mastery,
truth, and spiritual development.

260
00:21:12,380 --> 00:21:17,900
But if he acknowledges his real emotions,
they may teach him that, ironically, the best

261
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:23,180
way to move forward sometimes is to go backward,
and the best way to grow is to be willing

262
00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:28,679
to let go of your ego’s idea of what life
should be like.

263
00:21:28,679 --> 00:21:32,870
Identify your personal values and the principles
you hold most dear.

264
00:21:32,870 --> 00:21:38,450
And then let them inspire you to take action
and solve problems.

265
00:21:38,450 --> 00:21:43,380
If you are going through a difficult time,
remind yourself of what makes life meaningful

266
00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:44,630
for you.

267
00:21:44,630 --> 00:21:50,679
Then take action that incorporates the way
you feel but brings you closer to what matters.

268
00:21:50,679 --> 00:21:55,580
For example, you may face the fact of deep
regrets you have about your past.

269
00:21:55,580 --> 00:22:01,540
But you remind yourself that you value who
you are today—and that person is who they

270
00:22:01,540 --> 00:22:05,760
are because of those past experiences.

271
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:11,380
You take action and forgive yourself, vowing
also not to act today in ways that you might

272
00:22:11,380 --> 00:22:14,299
regret tomorrow.

273
00:22:14,299 --> 00:22:21,110
Think of negative emotions as a pathway into
more deeply understanding your values—and

274
00:22:21,110 --> 00:22:24,120
bringing them to life in action.

275
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:52,440
Ask yourself, “How does a person who values
what I value behave when they experience 

276
00:22:52,440 --> 00:23:04,090
what I’m experiencing?"