Welcome back! I hope you’ve had a great week! Last week we started our discussion on The Duality of Control and what it looks like to be controlled in our relationships, and how it quietly steals pieces of who you are. This week we’re doing a 180. And we’re going to look in the mirror and see how being controlled, has turned us into trying to control everything.

So here’s what I’ve figured out in my own life, that after living that kind of experience of being controlled in every little thing we do, every step we take, when we get out of that situation, we often swing to the other extreme.

We start trying to control everything - our schedules, our relationships, our feelings, and yes, even other people. Not because we’re controlling people, but because we’re scared. Because after having been controlled for so long, we never want to feel that powerless again.

So let’s look at that. What the need for that control really is, how it shows up, and how to start letting it go.

The Illusion of Control

After living in a controlling or abusive situation for any length of time, our nervous system becomes wired for survival. You might feel like if you’re not on top of every detail, something bad will happen. So you plan everything. You make backup plans for your backup plants. You try to stay one step ahead of everyone’s emotions, needs, or reactions. You overthink conversations, decisions, the past, the future - everything. And it feels like this control is keeping you safe.

But underneath? You’re fucking tired. You’re disconnected. You’re constantly on edge. This control is a way to avoid feeling helpless again. But the truth is, it can’t protect you from life. It just keeps you from living it.

Control can show up in soooo may ways.

- Overplanning every minute of every day.

- Needing constant reassurance in relationships.

- Trying to fix other people’s problems.

- Avoiding emotional conversations because you can’t control how they’ll go.

- Telling yourself to “stay strong” because falling apart feels dangerous.

- Creating routines so rigid that any change feels like a crisis.

- Perfectionism.

It can even look like keeping everything together so no one sees you struggle. We do this because at one time, losing control meant pain, fear, abandonment, or worse. So now, we try to manage everything to avoid being vulnerable again. To avoid be “wrong” or “too sensitive”. To avoid having to apologize. But here’s the thing: that version of “control” doesn’t give you freedom. It gives you a different kind of hell than what you were in before.

Let me give you some examples of how this has looked in my life the last almost 8 years…. And I preface this by saying, that I still battle with this. It is an ongoing pep talk with myself to let things go.

So at first, I showed no emotion. Everything was fine. I was good. I was going to therapy, I was moving forward in my life. At least that’s what it looked like on the surface. In my head, I was fucking freaking out. I went from being at fault for everything and basically needing permission to any and everything to being responsible and in charge of everything. Literally overnight. Which has been bad and good. But I didn’t know what I was doing. So I planned everything. From start to finish. If I had to go somewhere - it takes this long to get there, I can spend this much time there, it takes this long to get back. I’ll be done by this time and then I can start on the next thing.

I honestly don’t know who actually saw me cry after my first husband died. My girls have a couple of times during talks we’ve had, but I really think that’s it. My mom probably did. But I was “strong”, I could handle it.

Another way, I mentioned in a previous episode that I trained for & did an indoor triathlon. I basically obsessed over it. I “had” to train everyday, in all 3 events or almost every day. It consumed my life for 6-8 weeks. I had to do it right. I had to be good. I had to not come in last. This experience was a blessing and a curse. It fueled my perfectionism but showed me what I was capable of on my own.

Then when I started working retail, I had (and still have though at a different company) a very detail oriented job. Meaning I deal with Federal Forms and tracking and details that can’t be fucked up. Boy oh boy did that fuel the perfectionism. This was something I was good at. Find every little thing that was wrong and make it right. Make sure no one else messed up. “Control” the situation at all costs. Even now, I am a compliance manager and have even more responsibility with federal forms and tracking that “can’t be fucked up”. But….. I have realized that it’s not as much of a life or death situation as I let it be before. While I think I will always strive for perfectionism, I also have learned to give myself grace when I make a mistake. It’s not always pretty grace (I.e. Nicole that was fucking dumb, why did you do that?). But I own up to it, correct it, and move on. I don’t dwell on it. I don’t let it freeze me or ruin my day (most of the time). Because please show me 1 single person who entirely perfect? There isn’t one. - I’m going to get controversial here - but not even Jesus was 100% perfect. Remember that table he flipped when he was angry??? There are 18 years or so of his life we don’t know about… I can assure you, he made mistakes.

I’ve become the fixer as well. I mean I was already kind of that before, you know, the whole “I’m sorry, let me fix that, let me correct whatever is wrong.” But now, it’s trying to fix other people’s problems. (Not me over here making a podcast on how to help heal other people?!)…. LOL In reality, this podcast is coming from a different place though. Because I know that I can’t fix you. Only you can fix you. You have to put in the work. I am hopefully just giving you some hope, encouragement, and tools to help you along your path. I learned this the hard way with my current husband and his health issues & subsequent transplant, and on going complications from that.

When he was in the hospital for 3 months, his blood work would come back within like 30 minutes of them drawing it. I was on it like flies on shit. I knew the results before the doctors and nurses. If a test came back not normal, I was Dr. Google and consumed as much information as possible, so when the doctors made their rounds, I knew what they were talking about and could ask the proper questions. There were minor daily things that were going on with him that I even tried to control. What he ate, how much he could drink, if he needed this, or that. This was one situation that was 100% OUT of my control. But I did any & everything possible to give myself the illusion of control. And damn, that was exhausting. I think I’m still recovering almost 2 years later. I’m still on his test results like flies on shit, but I don’t obsess over them like I used to. I trust him, that he knows his body better than me, and his medical team. If I see something way out of the ordinary, I’ll dig in, but that control I thought I had over the whole situation, was one giant illusion.

Here’s the thing…. Letting go of control doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop gripping everything so tightly that you lose yourself in the process. But how do you learn to let go?

Start small. Let something go. A plan, a decision, a conversation. Let it be imperfect. Let it unfold. I promise you the world will not come crashing down.

Notice the urge. When you feel that you need to control - pause & ask yourself “What am I really afraid of here? Why am I so hellbent on controlling this situation or outcome? Does it really matter in the long run??”

Create safety within - remind yourself that you can handle what comes your way - I mean look at what you’ve been though to get to this point. You got this, no matter how it goes. Relax a little.

Feel instead of fix. If you feel anxious, overwhelmed, angry - let yourself feel it without immediately trying to change it. Or stop an ask yourself “why are you so angry, or anxious?”.

Practice surrender. Whether it’s through prayer, writing, breath work or just saying it out loud - say “I’m letting this go. What is meant for me will find me.” The more you do this, the more you come back to yourself. Your power isn’t in controlling everything, it’s in knowing and trusting that you’ll be ok, no matter what happens.

I want you to know, that you’re doing amazing! Healing isn’t linear. It’s messy. It’s brave. It’s a never-ending process. And every time you choose softness instead of control, you’re coming back to the real you. The one who is powerful, not because you hold it all together - but because you know how to let go.

Up next I’ve got some words of affirmation that you can use to help you through your times where you feel out of control or you need a reminder to let go. Hang tight, I’ll be right back.

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Welcome back! I hope you’ve found some comfort and knowing that you are not alone in this process. Where ever you are in the process is right where you’re supposed to be. Healing is happening, all day every day. So I’ve go some words of affirmation to help you through the process a little more.

First let’s start with 3 deep breaths.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

Now, repeat after me, either out loud or to yourself:

I don’t have to control everything to feel safe.

I trust life to unfold for my highest good.

I allow myself to rest without guilt.

I release perfection and welcome peace.

I trust myself to handle whatever comes.

I am safe, even in uncertainty.

I don’t need to fix everything.

I am worthy, even when I let go.

I soften my grip and open to flow.

I am learning to surrender with grace.

My worth is not tied to how much I do.

I let go of what is not mine to carry.

I am allowed to feel peace without a plan.

I give myself permission to be still.

I let go of urgency and choose patience.

I do not need to know everything to be ok.

I no longer need to control to feel powerful.

I trust myself to let go and receive.

I can release without fear.

I am free when I surrender.

I love you.

Say these words whenever you are stressed and feel like things are “out of control”. Because remember, control is an illusion. And life is so much simpler and peaceful if you just let it happen.

So my loves, if no one has told you today, I love you. I love you for who you are in this very moment. I am so grateful you are here and a part of this world and a part of MY life. So thank you for being here.

My parting words for you - Have Faith. Give Grace. You ARE Worthy. And…. I Love You.