Marriage is not working for a good percentage of the population.

What is happening?

What is it about marriage that that ruins our sex life, if you will, or that, like, makes it kind of go away for many people?

Welcome to the Taboo to Truth podcast.

Unapologetic conversations about sexuality in midlife.

I'm your hostess, Karen Bigman, certified life and menopause coach and sex educator.

Whether it's a dwindling libido, a dry vagina, a challenging erection, or the emotional ups and downs of mid life, we're here to talk about it all.

I'm going to bring the often quiet into the light to create a safe space where no question is too awkward or taboo.

Together, we're creating a community of support and education where you can learn, share, and laugh about the intricate beauty of sex in midlife.

So grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.

Today I want to ponder the question, is marriage what's wrong with your sex life?

I'm not anti marriage, so let's not start with that.

I believe marriage is right for some people and it was right for me for 26 years.

So I'm not, I'm not dissing marriage, but I just want to talk about, you know, how did marriage come about?

Marriage came about as a financial contract.

So she had a dowry.

He married her to take care of her, and it was a contract between families.

We didn't live that long.

So when you were marrying somebody, maybe in your teens or your early 20s, maybe you lived into your 40s.

So we probably didn't have the divorce rates that we do today.

But today, as we all know, divorce rates are really high.

They're over 50% for first marriages over 60 per second, and they're over 70 for third.

Marriage is not working for a good percentage of the population.

What is happening?

What is it about marriage that that ruins our sex life, if you will, or that, like, makes it kind of go away for many people?

Well, when you meet somebody, right, what's the first thing that you think about?

It's that physical attraction, right?

It's like, oh, I really this person.

And then you get physically attracted, and as you get to know them better, you get an emotional attachment, and then eventually you want to spend the rest of your life with them because you fall in love with them, right?

But once you're in that kind of safe, comfortable space, you're never going to get that kind of new relationship energy, that, like, tingly feeling.

Maybe not never, but it's not gonna be the same kind of tingly feeling that you had when you first started the relationship.

Now marriage has these kind of.

I don't know if they're arbitrary, but there's certain shoulds in marriage.

We should be monogamous, is one, we should be having regular sex and we should make babies.

That's just a couple of shoulds about marriage right now, that maybe those shoulds are good for you.

Maybe they're not shoulds, maybe they're have tos, maybe they're want tos, but they are kind of the rules of engagement, if you will, some of them.

And as these things happen, as you start having a family, as life goes on, as parents age, as work, et cetera, sex can become a chore.

It becomes something that is less spontaneous and it's not something that you like, jump into bed with each other.

And eventually what I hear is that many couples just stop having sex now.

Whether it's because they, they lack the new energy or they have physical issues from menopause, from anthropos, but that starts to fade.

And so your sex life basically becomes either non existent or as I have one friend who dubbed it, husband's sex people.

It's a chore that you do as a favor to your partner.

I actually have friends that do it so their husband will kind of take out the trash.

It's like, I'll, I'll give you sex if you do this for me.

The very things that brought you together now are that, you know, that made you really want your partner physically so badly, they're not there anymore.

So sex is, is not something that it used to be.

However, there is hope.

So in all doom and gloom, doesn't mean you're never going to have sex life.

Is it work?

Not necessarily.

You can make it kind of fun to, to fix things up.

So research shows that couples that have good sex lives have better relationships that last longer.

You ever see those couples in their 50s and 60s and 70s holding hands still?

I.

I had a neighbor that, you know, they were five kids and they held hands as long as I can remember.

They were always holding hands.

Like, I bet they had some really great sex.

But the hardest thing to do is to start to get back into sex after you've not had it for a really long time.

When you've gotten into a rut, if you go to a marriage counselor, I know they said this to me, I even had, when I went by myself, they say, why don't you try dance lessons?

I get the idea of dance lessons because like it's very intimate.

You're moving together and all that.

But like really, I mean my ex had two left feet.

Like there was no way dancing was happening.

But you need to start to get a conversation going or you're never going to have sex again.

Right.

And we're all sexual beings and sex can be a lot of fun and if you love your partner, you can get it back.

I would start by having the conversation in some way that is, is sort of easy.

Oh, I was listening to this podcast.

Or send a link to the podcast or send a link to something that was kind of interesting or an article.

Try not to look at them when you're talking.

If it's uncomfortable for you, like washing the dishes in the car, turned around, hey honey, how about.

Is it okay?

Can we.

And plant the seed.

Plant the seed of having the conversation and then you can kind of co.

Create a list of possibilities.

There's something called the yes, no, maybe list.

So maybe each of you create a list of possibilities.

And it doesn't have to be crazy wild sex parties.

It can be something very simple.

I like to suggest sexual snacking.

So this is a combination of terms I, I've heard and I put them together because I think sexual snacking is the best way to reignite a new, some more sexual energy in your, in your relationship if it, if you haven't had it for a very long time.

So one idea, it's super simple, touch the small of her back or his.

Another is to have really, really long hugs when you are leaving each other.

Or you know, we just come in the room, just hug.

The Gottmans actually their, their relationship famous relationship therapists and they say a six second kiss and a 20 second hug and nose release all the oxytocin that make you really feel good.

So that's what you want to aim for.

You can try sexting your partner.

Like maybe it's just a funny meme or maybe it's something like hey baby, like will you meet me in the bathroom at 6:00?

I don't know, whatever.

Something, something that is not usual for you.

Or how about we you decide to try to get intimate in a different place in the kitchen.

That's always been a sexy place for me.

I always like doing it in the kitchen for some weird reason I love to cook.

Maybe that has something to do with it.

Order something new and surprise your partner.

Or you can order like sensory play hot wax or a feather or a new vibrator.

Or maybe just greet them differently like wearing something different.

Greet them in your underwear.

Or maybe if the kids are home, you kind of say, hey, honey, come in the bedroom for a minute and you give them a taste of what they might get later.

There's plenty of opportunities to be able to kind of just slowly get that spark back.

No?

Is it ever going to be the same as it was when you first started?

No.

But to quote Esther Perel, she says you can have different relationships with the same person.

So the key is to create a new relationship with an old partner.

Thanks for joining me on the Taboo to Truth podcast where I'm spicing up midlife one episode at a time.

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And until next time, grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.